After you are gone ! Any concerns ?

[frayne]

A comment in the life insurance thread struck a cord with me;

What I do worry about is some money grubbing low life putting on a song and dance to marry my beautiful, loving and trusting wife and then leaving her a year or two later, after he's emptied the coffers.

Anyone else have this same concern ? From a personal standpoint I have always taken care of the investing and long term money management in our marriage and my DW pretty much takes care of the day to day/ week to week stuff. In the event of my untimely demise I do worry as to what may happen. My DW has no desire to be concerned with the long term financial planning picture and doesn't currently show any inclination to understand the method to my madness from an investment and growing a portfolio standpoint. Anybody else have this problem concern or better yet answer to this dilemma ?

 

[SteveR]

A comment in the life insurance thread struck a cord with me; 

What I do worry about is some money grubbing low life putting on a song and dance to marry my beautiful, loving and trusting wife and then leaving her a year or two later, after he's emptied the coffers.

Anyone else have this same concern ?  From a personal standpoint I have always taken care of the investing and long term money management in our marriage and my DW pretty much takes care of the day to day/ week to week stuff.  In the event of my untimely demise I do worry as to what may happen.  My DW has no desire to be concerned with the long term financial planning picture and doesn't currently show any inclination to understand the method to my madness from an investment and growing a portfolio standpoint.  Anybody else have this problem concern or better yet answer to this dilemma ? 

This was a very real concern for me when I started dating again after my wife died. My kids and my family were all concerned about a Golddigger showing up and taking off with the family forture (such as it is). It is a natural concern for anyone that is on the FI and ER path. That much money on the table could be a major attractant for the leaches in this world.

All three of my wives hated dealing with any part of money or bills except spending it. : It would have been nice to have had some help along the way but I guess this is not all that uncommon.

We addressed this through our trusts to make sure each of our respective kids and families will receive a portion of our pre-marriage estates and a pro-rated portion of any remaining estate once we are both gone and the specific values in our trusts have been paid out.

Since my DW glazes over when I try to show her the various accounts and plans I have set up for our stash, it makes me feel a bit concerned about her if I go first. I have consolidated a lot of stuff into just a few institutions to make things easier to find. Also, I have created a document that is in my trust that details out every account but location with contact names, account numbers and phones numbers. I also included a general overview of the "Plan" so someone else can follow the logic of what is where and when to move it etc.

I hope she never has to use it but if so it is there for her. She at least knows where the list is and how to get into the safe. That is about all I can get her to do right now. She trusts that I won't lose the nest egg and that she will have $$ in her checking account when she needs it to be there. Other than that, she does not want to be bothered with the details.

 

[Nords]

Anyone else have this same concern ?

Um, no. I'll be dead. I don't think I'll have any concerns then.

If our spouses were smart enough to marry us, and persistent enough to put up with us, and creative enough to get rid of us without being indicted to get to ER with us, then I think they'll be able to figure the rest of it out without us.

We should be asking ourselves how we got hoodwinked into managing the finances for all of those decades. Who's really the superior being:
- the one who's watching the pennies, crunching numbers, filling out tax forms, & figuring out which way the yield curve is going, or
- the one who has to put down the beer & bon-bons to read the annual summary and say "Thanks, that's nice, dear, when will dinner be ready?"
I think my spouse knows how to manage our retirement portfolio better than I do and feels that I just need more practice...

Now I may be going out on a limb here and it's even possible that I may (*gasp*) offend a poster or two, but I'm a little jaded on this subject after having read dozens of similar threads over on Vanguard Diehards over the years. I wonder if some guys (and I do mean guys here in the word's pejorative sense) affect concern for their widowed spouse's well-being in much the same manner that they're concerned about who's gonna take care of their Harley or their boat or their other toys when they're gone. IOW there could just possibly be an anachronistic tendency to perceive their spouse as more of a possession than as person with a will & a mind of their own. I'm not accusing anyone in particular, mind you. But if this paragraph evokes annoyance or outrage and you're already stabbing the "quote" button, then go take a look in the mirror first.

Or it's possible that I'm being too harsh about male objectification. Perhaps our real concern for our spouse's well-being is just founded in a deep sense of foreboding over our post-mortem fate if we die before we clear all the porn off the bookmarks & hard drive without leaving behind a comprehensive login/password list. Maybe hell really hath no fury.

But, hey, our opinions are irrelevant. Ask your spouse what they want to have done in the event of your untimely demise. But you have to make the financial management look boring, complicated, & fraught with danger or they'll realize, if they haven't already, how easily we're replaced.

When we had this conversation my spouse got this long, faraway, speculative look in her eyes (and a little smile on her face) for about 20 seconds. Then she shook herself & came back to the conversation, gave me a long, loving look, and said "Yeah, yeah, get rid of the evidence, retitle the IRAs, spend down Tweedy first, rebalance, redo the wills & POAs, blah blah blah. I get it. Party on, Wayne!"

 

[Leslie]

I don't worry about a money grubbing gold digger--I wonder who will remind him to take his medicine, go to the dentist, and eat a vegetable once in a while!

 

[johnlw]

I had this concern for my Mother. After my Father died, she started seeing this guy who began to pressure her about getting married. He even tried to get her to marry him on a cruise while they were down in the Bahamas.

Thankfully, she asked my brother, my sister, and me what we thought about it. Independently, we all answered her question by asking: "At your age, why would you want to get married again?". The other reasons for concern was that this guy had nothing, he was living off of his Social Security, he was also 10 years younger than her.

Fortunately, some years before, my parents had the foresight to put almost all of their assets into a trust. Mind you, there's not a fortune there, so she could very well wind up needing all of it to help take care of her before she dies. Accordingly we were all concerned because we didn't know where this guy was coming from and what his true intentions were, but they sure looked questionable.

To make a long story short, she didn't marry him, so he got pissed off and left. The last we heard was that he found some other woman and they are now married.

John

 

[sgeeeee]

. . . What I do worry about is some money grubbing low life putting on a song and dance to marry my beautiful, loving and trusting wife and then leaving her a year or two later, after he's emptied the coffers.

Anyone else have this same concern ? 

I'm trying to understand the reasoning here. Do you figure that if your wife was gullible enough to marry you, she might be gullible enough to marry some other shyster? Or is it that you think her years with you have dulled her mind?

No, I don't have this concern. And anyway, like Nords says, "I'll be dead."

 

[Jarhead*]

We should be asking ourselves how we got hoodwinked into managing the finances for all of those decades.  Who's really the superior being:
- the one who's watching the pennies, crunching numbers, filling out tax forms, & figuring out which way the yield curve is going, or
- the one who has to put down the beer & bon-bons to read the annual summary and say "Thanks, that's nice, dear, when will dinner be ready?"
I think my spouse knows how to manage our retirement portfolio better than I do and feels that I just need more practice...

 

To quote Clint Eastwood, "A man's got to know his limitations."

By the way, what are you fixing for dinner tonight.?

 

[MooreBonds]

I'm trying to understand the reasoning here. Do you figure that if your wife was gullible enough to marry you, she might be gullible enough to marry some other shyster? Or is it that you think her years with you have dulled her mind?

No, I don't have this concern. And anyway, like Nords says, "I'll be dead."

Being a widow(er) with 3 kids and mourning the loss of your loved one could put you in a different state of mind than when you were 25 and single....

 

[Ginger]

Don't think the gender of a person really matters. Males and females both have to take responsibility for their financial well-being and street smarts. I have always made it my business to know where my (our) money is invested, what returns are being generated, create financial reports, etc.
A co-worker here met someone on Match.com. five weeks ago, and already she wants to sell her home and move in with this fellow. Trying to talk 'common sense' to her, but hitting a brick wall. Sad!!

 

[haha]

A co-worker here met someone on Match.com. five weeks ago, and already she wants to sell her home and move in with this fellow.  Trying to talk 'common sense' to her, but hitting a brick wall.  Sad!!

I just heard on NPR today that female Drosophila Melanogaster mate with the males with the biggest spots on their wings. Have you checked this guy for size?

Ha

 

[Nords]

To quote Clint Eastwood, "A man's got to know his limitations."

By the way, what are you fixing for dinner tonight.?

Ironic that you should quote Clint, a man with eight children by five different women, only a few to whom he was married. And I haven't kept tabs on him in this millenium, so the numbers could be higher... it's a good thing that I like my Oscar-winning actors for their subtle dramatic skills, their intricate cerebral plots, and their sensitive natures instead of for their morals.

Spouse is standing midwatches this week so the kid & I had to fend for ourselves.
Kid: "Dad, what's for dinner?"
Me: "Leftover Hamburger-Helper beef stroganoff! Yummy!!"
Kid: "Eeeeeeeeew!"
Me: "Hey, you made it last week. You don't like it?"
Kid: "No, that was an experiment that didn't work out."
Me: "Well, how 'bout a more constructive suggestion?"
Kid: "Hot dogs?"
Me: (Thinking that I can cook that just as quickly) "OK".
Kid: "Great, I'll get started."

Thank goodness for child labor! It must be getting close to Hanukah Christmas happy holidays.

Disclosure: Our family does our own breakfasts & lunches, spouse & I each cook two or three meals a week, we usually eat out once, and our kid does the rest of the week.

Kitchen cleanup, OTOH, is mine. All mine.

 

[uncledrz]

Kitchen cleanup, OTOH, is mine.  All mine.

One of the reasons why I still go to the office to view this forum, read the stock page, have coffee, ah, work.

Uncledrz

 

[Mr._johngalt]

Concerns after I am gone? Not really. I agree with Nords and SG (for once)
That is, I'll be dead.

I get stuck with kitchen clean up too. Not quite sure how that
happened.

JG

 

[haha]

Concerns after I am gone?  Not really.  I agree with Nords and SG (for once) 
That is, I'll be dead.

I get stuck with kitchen clean up too.  Not quite sure how that
happened.

JG

Hmmm..maybe because your wife goes to work every day?

Ha

 

[Ginger]

It has been much easier for me working full time since DH is retired. He has been doing more barbecuing lately plus yard work is all done before the weekend, errands are all taken care of before the weekend. First pension check should hit the bank tomorrow. Things are falling into place. We are still researching the big TV purchase.

 

[Beowolf]

No concerns at all. My lovely wife is one tough cookie. Besides, she'll still be working as a professor and scientist long after I'm gone. Hardly a temptation for a "golddigger" type.

Beowolf

 

[Eagle43]

DW and I have a standing joke (committment).  If I die first, she gets all the IRA and other financials and does as she pleases.

OTOH:  If she passes first, I'm going to Thailand; to get a massage.   She promises to outlive me.

 

[MJ]

DW and I have a standing joke (committment). If I die first, she gets all the IRA and other financials and does as she pleases.

OTOH: If she passes first, I'm going to Thailand; to get a massage. She promises to outlive me.

I understand a Thai oil massage could be a sensuous last meal.
Could be worth knocking off the DW.
Just send $5k to my overseas account RIP12345.

xxx (mary jane)

 

[Nords]

I understand a Thai oil massage could be a sensuous last meal. 

We did our best to give the masseuses all the practice they could handle...

 

[MJ]

We did our best to give the masseuses all the practice they could handle...

"We"

 

[Nords]

"We"   

Spouse & I, just about every evening, and occasionally the rest of the group of military people she was working with!

Why, whatever else could you have been thinking? Am I missing out on something?!? I'm going to have to go ask my wife... or maybe Neil Bush...

 

[Martha]

I do think that many elderly have a very hard time after their spouse dies. Death of a spouse is often number one on a variety of "stress scales." http://www.teachhealth.com/#stressscale

A friend of mine's father died and his mother, in otherwise good health, had a heart attack on hearing the news. My father had a minor heart attack right after my mother died.

In the retirement community my FIL lived in, you would often see surviving spouses struggle both with their health and financially after a spouse died.

 

[MJ]

Spouse & I, just about every evening, and occasionally the rest of the group of military people she was working with!

Why, whatever else could you have been thinking? Am I missing out on something?!? I'm going to have to go ask my wife... or maybe Neil Bush...

Nord, I am assuming you are a somewhat normal couple so I think we may be talking about a different type of oil massage that can be gotten in LOS.

 

[Mr._johngalt]

I do think that many elderly have a very hard time after their spouse dies.  Death of a spouse is often number one on a variety of "stress scales."  http://www.teachhealth.com/#stressscale

A friend of mine's father died and his mother, in otherwise good health, had a heart attack on hearing the news.  My father had a minor heart attack right after my mother died. 

In the retirement community my FIL lived in, you would often see surviving spouses struggle both with their health and financially after a spouse died. 

I don't doubt that this is the norm, but I'll bet there are a fair
number who "blossom" after the shock wears off. I think that is a pretty
cool outcome, especially for a spouse who "hung in there"
to the bitter end. That would never include me, as much as I admire it. Too selfish...........too self centered. Still, I can
appreciate seeing it from afar.

JG

 

[haha]

I don't doubt that this is the norm, but I'll bet there are a fair
number who "blossom" after the shock wears off.  I think that is a pretty
cool outcome, especially for a spouse who "hung in there"
to the bitter end.  That would never include me, as much as I admire it.  Too selfish...........too self centered.  Still, I can
appreciate seeing it from afar.

JG

Not sure what you are saying here, but if it is what it sounds like, you really must being trying to soften your image here and make all the girls love you. I'll add Empathy Man to Mensa Man in your list of monikers.

Ha