Alienated Grandparents

[gwraigty]

Then he shouldn't have told you and your wife out of respect for his wife.

+1

I can relate to how growing up with an abusive mother can leave emotional scars, but that alone doesn't account for the friction in this situation, IMO. Even so, I'd have been delighted if my FIL & SMIL had ever been so generous in their gifts to my kids. But I'm guessing none of this is really about a bike.

 

[troutnut1]

1000 Mile Rule

Give the counselor a fair chance. If that doesn’t work, feel free to invoke my 1,000 Mile Rule. It used to be the 500 Mile Rule, but when speed limits increased from 55mph that wasn’t far enough.

 

[HGTVFanatic]

Sympathy

Great post and the sad fact is there might be absolutely nothing the OP can do to make this better.

Frankly there could be a mental health issue on both sides. Maybe the GP don't realize or can't realize that their behavior is unacceptable and can't/won't manage change. Is it possible the son asked them to move closer because there was already some stress in the household?

Perhaps the DIL is struggling with mental health issues and has made the GP the source of her rage and stress. It happens...depression and anxiety coupled together can lead to feelings of rage and this type of bullying behavior.

The husband/son might be stuck between a rock and a hard place. I have an acquaintance who has 2 grandkids living 10 miles away that she hasn't seen in almost 10 years. I know enough about the family from other sources to know the DIL has mental health problems and has turned a perfectly normal pair of grandparents into the devil personified.

Good luck going forward OP

This really hit home for me. My mother had mental health issues and kept us from our grandparents who lived blocks away. I found out years later that my grandparents thought we didn’t like them. My grandmother was a force to be reckoned with. I think my mother didn’t want her finding out that we were being emotionally and physically abused.
The other thought I had about OP’s situation that no one has mentioned is I wonder if there’s favoritism going on where one grandchild gets more than the other and the DIL finally had enough. I don’t think we’re getting the whole story.

 

[morriss003]

Being a grandparent who moved close to grandkids, this is something I’m always a bit concerned about. I feel very bad for you. I’m not sure about support groups, but if it were me, I’d get started on planing my next move. Not sure where you live, but I wouldn’t stay in my current location were it not for the proximity to DD and grandkids.

Many times in situations like this, there is nothing you can do. Counseling will tell you that you can only control the things you do, not what others do. In that sense, pain as I suspect it will be, you need to get back to a drawing board and chart out the rest of your life which very sadly appears will be with limited interaction if any with the grandkids. I’m sorry for you. Hopefully there will be a change of heart soon but you must do something productive in the meantime.

Unfortunately, what he said.

 

[HGTVFanatic]

Here's an example.

I told the story of the wife of my BIL. Her attitude now spreads to my BIL.

They bought a new car. The other BIL, his own brother, saw the car and asked "Was there something wrong with your old car?", and he got offended.

He told me, "Did they think I did not have money to buy another car, just because I wanted to? They thought we were so poor? I did not ask him for money, did I?"

I was flabbergasted. I knew the other BIL has the tendency to say dumb things, but I would not take offense so easily. I would just say "No, I just wanted a new car".

Another reason we try not to talk to them about much, because anything could be misinterpreted. There's little to gain from just making conversation.

Unfortunately, this is what I have to deal with with one of my daughters. She has depression and anxiety. I cannot say anything without my words being twisted to mean something else. It’s exhausting walking on eggshells all the time.

 

[gnawbone]

For starters, why not just sit down with your son only and find just what the heck is going on. Get all the details.
Then you can probably make an informed decision about going forward.

This ^^^^

 

[RobLJ]

Great movie, btw. Recommended.

There's a good French movie called Le Papillon (The Butterfly) (2002) about a lonely eight-year-old girl who befriends an initially reluctant old widower who lives next door.

 

[RobLJ]

No good advice since as many note, we don't know the details or dynamics.

Counselling, however, is a good step. And, personally, I would apologize and indicate to the DIL that she is in control and that whenever I/we overstep, just let us know.
DIL pretty much lets me be the indulgent grandparent, and I try to be careful not to give any advice and follow any rules, proactively or reactively.

I "taught" the grandson (now 2&1/2) to roll over and stand up using the couch when I played with him, so I was treading on thin ice.

Basically, the parental units are in control; we just exist by their (hopeful) indulgence. I was raised pretty much as a boomer as an independent; her and her mother are pretty much believe in observation and control, but I can't say my inclinations are better. She's an elementary teacher, so I defer to expertise (and her way seems to work quite fine). It's their kid (thankfully), not mine.

I also had a really good relation ship with all 4 grandparents (and 2 of my greatgrandfathers), who were super indulgent.

We also contributed a bike when the 1st grandson was 1&1/2 (we won it in a raffle), but luckily (in retrospect) we told them to give them to a needy kid if they knew one; there are a lot of needy kids in the Central Valley.

I'm trying to observe better boundaries with the new grandson (4 weeks old); I'll try not to teach him anything new. Although I planned to buy a wiffle ball for the older grandson and was delighted to see he already had a similar wiffle TBall; I tried to teach him the right bat grip, but he kept trying to use a cross hand grip (Hank Aaron started out with a cross hand grip, then switched to the regular one later in the MLB career). Next time we'll try switch hitting (he's a lefty).


Good luck to you and I hope things work out, even if only minimally. This would be horribly distressing to me.

 

[PoorOldCountryBoy]

Good a professional is involved in case an intervention is needed if DIL needs help with bipolar issues in the future. If not an issue, DIL sounds like she's modeling what she saw as a kid, so don't be too hard on her, it's what she's been through.


That said, have seen a lot of blowups with grandparents and children moving close. The GP aren't ready for role reversal or feel entitled to do what they want, especially for a "tiny thing like a gift". Sometimes the kids have other ideas on how the GK should be raised. The usual flashpoints between MIL and DIL, but not always. Just curious, when you got the bike for a gift did you specifically discuss it with the DIL? Discussing with your son doesn't count.


Sorry if you've answered this one before did not read every single post on the thread.

 

[jayanu]

Not sure where to post this concern. Wife and I both 69 are retired. Retirement life is a dream except for one problem, grandchildren alientation. Son and daughter in law live 5 minutes from our house. Son encourgaed us to move close by so we could enjoy and help with the two granddaughters.Everything was good around Christmas 2018. We bought a bicycle for six-year-old grandaughter. Daughter in law was furious that we bought her a bicycle.


Had a meeting with son and daughter in law in April with wife and I. Daughter in law blasted my wife for supposedly something she said at wedding fourteen years ago and blasted us for buying six year old granddaughter.


No visitiation with grand kids since Christmas. Do you all know of any support groups for alienated grandparents? I found a group,Alienated grandparents anyonymous, on the internet.


Any help or suggestions would be apprreciated.
Thanks!

Don't know about the support group but I am sure thre are some around. Check with local county's Ageing services. They may have some answers.

We looked at CCRC near our duaghter to be near the grandchildren. We decided against it. For several reasons:
1) Tomorrw she may get a job somewhere else and then what!?
2) At our age (75/73) we should be focused on ourselves - Numero Uno. Have done enough for last 40 years for the children and now the focus should be on us and use the money for ourselves.
3) We do not buy any gifts. We ask them to give a list of things that they want to give to the children and we buy and send to them and they are given as gift from grandparents - both sides are happy. They have their own life to live and we don't want to interfere or give any unsolicited advice. They have the right to make their own mistakes!
4) We send $1,000 on both grand children's' birthday to their bank account for future use.
5) We love them all but we want to be detached from them - distance is useful. We can alwyas fly and visit them and they can do the same. Failiaraity can breed contempt too!
6) We moved to a wonderful 5 stay CCRC in Lancaster (Willow Valley Communities) and are rejuvenated with all the wonderful activities that we di, not hae time for before. Plus this will take care of our Long Term Cae needs, if and when we need in a very comfortable and expert care setting.

 

[Markola]

The best wisdom I ever received from a talented HR person. 'There's three sides to every story: yours, mine, and the truth".

Well, that’s a keeper.

 

[bucktheherd]

And let's say that the grandparents did in fact purchase a first bike for their grandchild without prior parental knowledge - is alienating the child from his/her grandparents an appropriate response?



We are talking about a bicycle.

People are generally incapable of making wise decisions

 

[Rianne]

I'm responsible for my happiness and peace of mind. If I do/say something that offends anyone AND I have good intentions, I can't worry about it.

The old saying "the road to hell is good intentions" has plagued my life with my family. I'm now old enough to realize I do the best I can with what I have. Simple as that.

 

[Hyper]

Our oldest GD is 11yo. One of 3 of DS we've seen maybe 2 times a yr only for the last 3 yrs maybe, even when living in the same town. Never got to see them when they were babies. DIL has always resented us for reasons we've never known. I put a lot of blame on DS as he was never raised to act this way and shouldn't be ok with his spouse acting this way. We finally just accepted that was the way it was going to be until the GK were old enough and out on their own. We went to putting $ in college accounts and just bought small gifts we were never sure they even got. Things have drastically changed since our DD had a baby a yr ago. We absolutely adore GK and have spent a lot of time with DD baby. We think DIL has seen this and is jealous now as she wants to be part of family things now (we've always asked them) which is very uncommon. Whatever the reason we're ok with it. We had the best day this past Sat. pumpkin patchin with all our G babies! Was a blessed day so we'll see. Oh, the DS is also in the process of setting up a home and has asked for help installing all the utilities which I've done much of. Hopefully that's not the reason for the sudden interest to be part of family?

 

[Chuckanut]

Things have drastically changed since our DD had a baby a yr ago. We absolutely adore GK and have spent a lot of time with DD baby. We think DIL has seen this and is jealous now as she wants to be part of family things now (we've always asked them) which is very uncommon. Whatever the reason we're ok with it. We had the best day this past Sat. pumpkin patchin with all our G babies! Was a blessed day so we'll see.

Regardless of the reason, treating all the GK's equally is a good plan as you have found out.

 

[TappyGee]

.....I cannot say anything without my words being twisted to mean something else. It’s exhausting walking on eggshells all the time.....

My sister!

 

[dadu007]

For those here that have decided that the OP is an innocent victim here and their DIL is a horrible selfish shrew that has "turned their son against them" or their marriage is doomed... you don't know the whole story. We never will.

You don't know what the OP did actually. The fact that the OP states that all they did was buy a bike for their granddaughter... still lends itself to the likely scenario that they stole a first from their DIL that may have been one of many oversteps they've made since the DIL/son first married.

Simple thing would have been to ask "can we buy granddaughter a bike?" and accepted a no if she had plans for her daughter already. But if they didn't ask permission, then they overstepped.

The OP may be completely innocent. But you and I don't know that. They should seek counseling and mediation if they hope to patch up their relationship with their extended family and do some serious soul-searching if they had ANY chance of causing some of this rift. But treating their DIL as if she is the main/only cause and a horrible person is a guarantee that they'll never have a close - or possibly any - relationship with their grandchildren or son.

Yes to this. I really get tired of the sentimentality surrounding grandparents. Some are good, I am sure. But not in my family. My mother is a complete judgemental you-know-what to all my brothers and wife and sister-in-laws... My father was was also hardly involved, but now deceased. My wife's parents: her mother was a selfish attention-hungry alcoholic credit-card abuser with a victim complex, and wife's father sped away to a distant state to live a carefree retired life (both are dead now). He did send a check every Christmas. That was his penance, I guess.


So let's not all believe the grandparents right off the bat.

 

[candrew]

I really get tired of the sentimentality surrounding grandparents. Some are good, I am sure. But not in my family. So let's not all believe the grandparents right off the bat.

I can understand your cynicism, however, it would be a mistake to believe that only "some" grandparents are worth a toss based on anecdotal evidence.

 

[Teacher Terry]

I had 2 wonderful grandparents that I spent a lot of time with and great memories. The other 2 were indifferent. My parents were awesome grandparents. Out of our 5 kids only the youngest wants kids and I look forward to it someday. I feel bad that his mom probably won’t live to see it happen. Of course some people don’t make good grandparents. But kids shouldn’t be used as pawns.

 

[RobbieB]

Kinda amazing eh? My Mothers side of the family were warm welcoming and fun. My GM on my Father's side was aloof and distant. She felt her son had married beneath him and every time we visited she would write him a report of all we did wrong. I found these hideous letters hidden away when I was moving him in with us after Ma died.

Needless to say we spent a lot more time with my mothers side than my fathers side.

 

[Chuckanut]

Grand parents are like parents, most are great, a few a jerks.

As a middle school teacher I never got used to the number of students in my classes who were being raised by one or both grand parents. Usually, dad was out of the picture (often in jail), and mom was on drugs and/or had run off with her latest boyfriend.

Many years ago I dated a woman who complained a lot about how her daughter-in-law was keeping her away from her son and grandchildren. After a few months I noticed she had an abrasive side to her that came out from time to time. The longer I knew her the more often it came out. I started to have some sympathy for the daughter-in-law. And I stopped seeing her.

 

[Chris7]

Kinda amazing eh? My Mothers side of the family were warm welcoming and fun. My GM on my Father's side was aloof and distant. She felt her son had married beneath him and every time we visited she would write him a report of all we did wrong. I found these hideous letters hidden away when I was moving him in with us after Ma died.

Needless to say we spent a lot more time with my mothers side than my fathers side.

Had a similar experience. Really sad.



Our oldest son did various drugs and many of his memories are jumbled. He does come around more now, but it will be interesting to see what happens if he starts having kids. His SO has some issues and has spent too much time with GMIL.