Alienated Grandparents

[MRG]

The best wisdom I ever received from a talented HR person. 'There's three sides to every story: yours, mine, and the truth".

 

[NW-Bound]

Simple thing would have been to ask "can we buy granddaughter a bike?" and accepted a no if she had plans for her daughter already. But if they didn't ask permission, then they overstepped...

Does this faux pas deserve a capital punishment to cut off the grandparents? If it were me, I might get offended a bit, then got over it after telling the grandparents what I felt.

The way you act towards other people, your children will observe it and learn from you. If you are so difficult, wait until your children are grown up and punish you for your own little mistakes.

Well, if you are never going to make mistakes, then this will not apply.

 

[NW-Bound]

And here's another thing. I may not agree with my inlaws on everything, but they genuinely love and care about my children. I never let my feelings about them interfere with the relationship between them and my children. I never badmouth about people and let my children hear it. I would discuss with my wife privately about things that I do not like.

 

[kimcdougc]

I agree with Aerides above, I'd be pissed if my parents or parents in law bought my kids their first bike as well. That is totally robbing the parents from a very special purchase in a childs life. Now if it wasn't the first bike then I would say she is acting inappropriately.

I disagree. My parents bought our son his first bike for Christmas when he was six. We were overjoyed. We couldn't afford him a bike at that point. We always looked at anything the grandparents bought for our kids was a gift to us as we didn't have much money then anyway.

I hope you can get all the problems worked out. Give it a little bit of time and you took a good first step by setting up a meeting with a counselor.

My DH and I will never be grandparents. Both our kids have stated they are not having kids. That was a hard one to accept, but alas, it is their life and if they are happy, we are happy.

 

[ivinsfan]

Does this faux pas deserve a capital punishment to cut off the grandparents? If it were me, I might get offended a bit, then got over it after telling the grandparents what I felt.

The way you act towards other people, your children will observe it and learn from you. If you are so difficult, wait until your children are grown up and punish you for your own little mistakes.

Well, if you are never going to make mistakes, then this will not apply.

+1 a million times over...but you'd be surprised by how many people in this world think they are perfect and could never put a foot wrong. I'm not one of them, I realize I'm imperfect and liable to stay that way.

 

[ivinsfan]

And here's another thing. I may not agree with my inlaws on everything, but they genuinely love and care about my children. I never let my feelings about them interfere with the relationship between them and my children. I never badmouth about people and let my children hear it. I would discuss with my wife privately about things that I do not like.

Both my sibs have bonus children thru remarriage. I treat them all the same. It's not on the children that anything happened. I'm thinking about my DM today as she set the path for my DB's remarriage by saying "Kids can never have too many people to love them."

 

[ivinsfan]

I disagree. My parents bought our son his first bike for Christmas when he was six. We were overjoyed. We couldn't afford him a bike at that point. We always looked at anything the grandparents bought for our kids was a gift to us as we didn't have much money then anyway.

I hope you can get all the problems worked out. Give it a little bit of time and you took a good first step by setting up a meeting with a counselor.

My DH and I will never be grandparents. Both our kids have stated they are not having kids. That was a hard one to accept, but alas, it is their life and if they are happy, we are happy.

Yep, it's a bicycle for crying out loud.

 

[FrankiesGirl]

Does this faux pas deserve a capital punishment to cut off the grandparents? If it were me, I might get offended a bit, then got over it after telling the grandparents what I felt.

The way you act towards other people, your children will observe it and learn from you. If you are so difficult, wait until your children are grown up and punish you for your own little mistakes.

Well, if you are never going to make mistakes, then this will not apply.

If this was the straw that broke the camel's back then yes. I can't believe for one moment that they had a great relationship up until they bought the bike and then KABOOM. The fact that the DIL told them something about an incident years earlier means that for her, they've been doing stuff to her/against her for years and she finally lost it with them. If she had been hurt/disrespected repeatedly, that makes it a more likely scenario.



This isn't just about a bike. This incident isn't a frozen in time, stand-alone event where the DIL just flipped out with no cause. There were hurts and resentments built up over years of time between them for this to have happened "over a bike."

Even if they don't agree, they should listen, weigh the hurts she's told them about and come from a place of love and reconciliation rather than "we are the blameless victims here" and their DIL/son are the jerks. ALL people are capable of making mistakes. What I'm saying is if the OP (or any of you) is capable of recognizing that they may have also made mistakes and make amends for them. Sure, the DIL may be to blame, but it's crazy how most everyone here is jumping all over her as if she's the only possible bad guy.


And all you that are overjoyed at unexpected gifts, grandparent/parent involvement without any issues... you have to realize that your experience is not every experience. People do dumb things. People do hurtful things. And they sometimes won't make amends or even worse, they'll argue that they are justified for doing whatever because they are related, and sometimes they are wrong. Stating that because you have a good relationship with YOUR inlaws must mean all inlaws are the same is really unhelpful since the OP's situation may not be your situation, and them doubling down on their righteous indignation and anger over their DIL/son's estrangement is not going to build any bridges here.


I've experienced gift-giving that has strings attached or gifts given maliciously. If you haven't, I'm genuinely happy for you. I know it is possible and I already stated that if they had a good relationship, this likely wouldn't even be an issue... but it is, obviously. So something - someone is wrong here. If the OP hopes to fix things, it's a good idea to maintain the possibility that THEY might be the problem or at least part of it.

 

[ivinsfan]

If this was the straw that broke the camel's back then yes. I can't believe for one moment that they had a great relationship up until they bought the bike and then KABOOM. The fact that the DIL told them something about an incident years earlier means that for her, they've been doing stuff to her/against her for years and she finally lost it with them. If she had been hurt/disrespected repeatedly, that makes it a more likely scenario.



Even if they don't agree, they should listen, weigh the hurts she's told them about and come from a place of love and reconciliation rather than "we are the blameless victims here" and their DIL/son are the jerks.



And all you that are overjoyed at gifts, grandparent/parent involvement without any issues... you have to realize that your experience is not every experience. People do dumb things. People do hurtful things. And they sometimes won't make amends or even worse, they'll argue that they are justified for doing whatever because they are related, and sometimes they are wrong. Stating that because you have a good relationship with YOUR inlaws must mean all inlaws are the same is really unhelpful since the OP's situation may not be your situation, and them doubling down on their righteous indignation and anger over their DIL/son's estrangement is not going to build any bridges here.

Or it could mean that the DIL can easily take offense and ruminates on stuff endlessly. This a common issue with depression/anxiety. You know what else? people with this issue can hear what they want to hear and not hear what you actually said. To quote my DM again , you know you can literally take offence at almost anything someone says to you ..IF YOU WANT TO...

 

[NW-Bound]

Surely, there may be many factors involved and we do not know the full story.

Unless the situation is really hopeless because one side is hard-headed and will not concede, if it is salvageable at all, it's the son who is in the middle and can talk to both sides who must try to mend things. He should not let things deteriorate so far. Unfortunately, not everyone has the same skill.

 

[NW-Bound]

To quote my DM again , you know you can literally take offence at almost anything someone says to you ..IF YOU WANT TO...

This happens with the wife of one of my BILs. She got pissed off with her husband's siblings, his parents (my wife's parents or my inlaws), and even her own parents and her siblings. It can be over anything.

I don't know what happens between her and one of her brothers, but we heard her saying how she hated her brother and wished he got run over by a bus!

Holy mackerel! Since that last tantrum, we keep our distance and try not to talk to her much about anything to avoid offending her, although we still see her from time to time.

 

[NW-Bound]

Or it could mean that the DIL can easily take offense and ruminates on stuff endlessly. This a common issue with depression/anxiety. You know what else? people with this issue can hear what they want to hear and not hear what you actually said. To quote my DM again , you know you can literally take offence at almost anything someone says to you ..IF YOU WANT TO...

Here's an example.

I told the story of the wife of my BIL. Her attitude now spreads to my BIL.

They bought a new car. The other BIL, his own brother, saw the car and asked "Was there something wrong with your old car?", and he got offended.

He told me, "Did they think I did not have money to buy another car, just because I wanted to? They thought we were so poor? I did not ask him for money, did I?"

I was flabbergasted. I knew the other BIL has the tendency to say dumb things, but I would not take offense so easily. I would just say "No, I just wanted a new car".

Another reason we try not to talk to them about much, because anything could be misinterpreted. There's little to gain from just making conversation.

 

[audreyh1]

You aren’t the only one out there estranged from grandchildren due to DIL. My poor cousin and husband have suffered through this. Son is torn between parents and wife. DIL wants nothing to do with husbands parents. There have been marital problems. My cousin and husband are the sweetest couple I have known all my life and awesome parents and would-be grandparents. None of us relatives understand why DIL rejects them.

 

[Dtail]

Glass half full vs half empty sometimes.
I try to stay full, even though I analyze lots of stuff.

 

[Bestwifeever]

If this was the straw that broke the camel's back then yes. I can't believe for one moment that they had a great relationship up until they bought the bike and then KABOOM. The fact that the DIL told them something about an incident years earlier means that for her, they've been doing stuff to her/against her for years and she finally lost it with them. If she had been hurt/disrespected repeatedly, that makes it a more likely scenario. ...

Yeah, I'm real curious about what the MIL said about the DIL at the wedding. DIL may be holding a grudge, but it might have been pretty awful, and it might never have been apologized for. We were just at a wedding where the bride's father made a "joke" about the groom during his toast that would be pretty unforgiveable (the bride was upset, the groom not so much).

Buying a six-year-old her first bike as a surprise to the whole family (and if they gave it to the grandchild in front of the parents so then the parents would be the bad guys if they had whatever reason they didn't want her to accept it)--obviously in the DS and DIL's eyes, that was not a good thing to do; worse things can and will happen, but a "We're sorry" might help.

My MIL was awesome (I was honored to do her eulogy at her funeral) and I take her life lessons and apply it to my own DIL. I know she bit her tongue with me several times. My parents died before we had kids so who knows the dynamics that might have been there, but my grandparents were loving and hands off as they lived far away, and nobody was giving anyone bicycles!

 

[Jeffman52]

This might be some kind of insecurity the DIL has that makes her think you are trying to take her role as "Parent" and further she might feel the Son's attachment to his parents is undermining her as a "wife". I don't think that makes her someone that is "mental" but it could be that she needs to sit down with a professional and work out these issues.

Of course that is one of many thoughts on why this issue has occurred. The best idea on this thread is the third party mediator.

Personally, I didn't want my kids Grandparents living near me nor did I want them "helping" financially. We talked about "big gifts" in advance more to be sure that we weren't already getting them or planning to. However I was clear with them on these things. They didn't necessarily like it but they didn't violate the boundaries. We all went over there very regularly so the kids could spend time with their Grandparents. They had many weekends with the Grandparents over the years. We didn't always agree on things but I would be hard pressed to take away visiting with their Grand-kids over things we could talk out.

 

[NW-Bound]

Here's an example.

I told the story of the wife of my BIL. Her attitude now spreads to my BIL.

They bought a new car. The other BIL, his own brother, saw the car and asked "Was there something wrong with your old car?", and he got offended.

He told me, "Did they think I did not have money to buy another car, just because I wanted to? They thought we were so poor? I did not ask him for money, did I?"

I was flabbergasted. I knew the other BIL has the tendency to say dumb things, but I would not take offense so easily. I would just say "No, I just wanted a new car".

Another reason we try not to talk to them about much, because anything could be misinterpreted. There's little to gain from just making conversation.

I forgot to mention something.

The BIL who asked an innocent question that was interpreted as offensive is fairly well-to-do. I estimate his net worth at $5M to $6M. However, he does not care about cars and is also LBYM. He was asking the question about the car buying as he would see through his eyes.

The BIL who took offense is not rich, but doing OK now. He used to be poor, and for that reason still carries an inferiority complex.

Aye, aye, aye... Human relationship is something very complex. Maybe that's why I hang out on this forum instead of meeting people in real life. Less hassle this way, if I should offend someone.

 

[Ally]

There was nothing we could do to make our daughter in law like us. No one could understand why we were treated the way we were, until she suddenly left our son and grandson to have an independent lifestyle. Afterwards, our son told us that she was very difficult and it was why she was always changing jobs, because she appears charming, but is difficult. Two years later, she is actually nicer to us than before. So strange.

 

[travelover]

Truth is, there isn't much you can do as a grandparent except maybe write them out of your will. They hold the cards and you pretty much need to suck it up or be denied your grandkid.

 

[NW-Bound]

Seriously Give me a break. Robbing parents of buying a special purchase? Totally lame. The kid will learn to ride the bike from the parents. Sounds like the DIL has issues.

Yes, kids can use a lot more care and love than just a bike.

And with loving grandparents who are willing to spend some time with their grandchildren, the parents may be able to take some time off for themselves during a weekend for example.

It is to everyone's benefit to structure the relationship into a win-win situation, instead of an adversarial one.

I told earlier about the difficult wife of my BIL. My wife and I both agree that she likes to view herself as a victim. Whatever happens, she is the one that was treated unfairly, or taken advantage of. And she sees conflicts where most people don't see anything.

Very strange!

 

[MissMolly]

You know, I thought about this thread today. It was Grandparent's Day at my granddaughter's Kindergarten and of course I went. Only about half of these little kids had grandparents that came. I looked around at those that didn't have grandparents present and some of these little kids looked sad. I know there are many reasons for this - grandparents are dead, grandparents live far away, grandparents had to work and even some grandparents who don't care enough. But to keep a loving grandparent away from a grandchild because of something they may have said 14 years ago or because they bought a bike without asking "permission" is just cruel and wrong for all parties. Unless the grandparent is endangering the child mentally/physically/emotionally, I cannot justify this.

 

[Luck_Club]

Didn't read them all

Not sure where to post this concern. Wife and I both 69 are retired. Retirement life is a dream except for one problem, grandchildren alientation. Son and daughter in law live 5 minutes from our house. Son encourgaed us to move close by so we could enjoy and help with the two granddaughters.Everything was good around Christmas 2018. We bought a bicycle for six year old grandaughter. Daughter in law was furious that we bought her a bicycle.


Had a meeting with son and daughter in law in April with wife and I. Daughter in law blasted my wife for supposedly something she said at wedding fourteen years ago and blasted us for buying six year old granddaughter.


No visitiation with grand kids since Christmas. Do you all know of any support groups for alienated grandparents? I found a group,Alienated grandparents anyonymous, on the internet.


Any help or suggestions would be apprreciated.
Thanks!

I have been estranged from members of my family for 15+ years. I can assure you it wasn't over them buying a bike for the grand kid.

There often are deep routed issues when a child cuts off the parents. Personally in my situation is was to protect my kids from toxic behavior. In your case it might just be that your DIL is a crazy vindictive Bch. Either way it certainly isn't the bike purchase.

 

[NW-Bound]

In all likelihood, we will not have grandchildren. However, my sister does not live far away, nor does my niece, and we see our 3-year-old grandniece quite often.

Whenever she was brought to visit us, she would ask "Grand Uncle, can I chase you?"

We stumbled on a game, where I would tickle her, and she would tickle me back. Then, I would run away, and she chased me. It became a chasing game where we ran around my house, and I would slow down enough often for her to catch me.

It has become a routine game that she looked forward to on every visit. And we would roll on the floor laughing afterwards.

Her grandparents serve as babysitters, but we occasionally step in. We are her most favorite grand uncle and aunt.

 

[travelover]

In all likelihood, we will not have grandchildren. However, my sister does not live far away, nor does my niece, and we see our 3-year-old grandniece quite often.

Whenever she was brought to visit us, she would ask "Grand Uncle, can I chase you?"

We stumbled on a game, where I would tickle her, and she would tickle me back. Then, I would run away, and she chased me. It became a chasing game where we ran around my house, and I would slow down enough often for her to catch me.

It has become a routine game that she looked forward to on every visit. And we would roll on the floor laughing afterwards.

Her grandparents serve as babysitters, but we occasionally step in. We are her most favorite grand uncle and aunt.

Whatever you do, don't buy her a bicycle.

 

[NW-Bound]

As she is the only child of that generation, and most likely remains so, we would have to stand in line to give her a bicycle.

Being her favorite grand uncle and aunt, our chance is a bit better, but still not good.