How much to spend on an engagement ring?

[SecondAttempt]

I am looking for advice on what is sure to be a very controversial but simple question: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?

I know the standard marketing advice of 3 months salary or whatever. But I’m fairly accomplished in my career, am still working, and make good money so that advice would lead to a huge amount that I think would be way over the top.

We are in our mid 50s. It would be a second marriage for both of us.

About my first marriage... we bought cheap but nice custom rings from a local designer. No real engagement ring, just nice wedding bands that cost around $300 each (but gold was cheap then). This was about 30 years ago. She did not want an engagement ring prefering to invest the money instead.

About her first marriage... she got an engagement ring with a tiny diamond (maybe 1/10 carat). Ex husband was super lazy and cheap and sponged off her for years, refusing to work.

About her... she is local Hawaiian/Filipino mix (might have meaning to those in Hawaii), does not have expensive tastes. Grew up split between a family in Hawaiian Homelands (think indian reservation/generally poor) and her mother/stepfather who was a federal judge and government official in several US territories and possessions where they had household staff and regular parties with heads of state and even visiting royalty. She is comfortable and knows how to behave in both worlds. She is very down to earth and not a gold-digger at all. I am impressed by her ability to adapt socially in almost any situation whether it be a group of locals in Hawaii or a high end banquet on the mainland. She is a real chameleon in a positive way. Since leaving her husband she has amassed a huge amount in savings, since he can no longer sponge off her and she spends way below her means, to the point I am trying to make her aware of FDIC limits. The same stepfather taught her to eschew stocks so that is more of a project. She has a sizeable state pension waiting though. She recently told me flat out that she wanted to get a ring to wear during a recent trip to San Francisco. I thought it was an ultimatum. Instead she bought herself a $1 ring in Chinatown our first day, put it on her third left finger and said she was happy with it.

I intend to propose. My dilemma boils down to deciding how much to spend. I’ve been shopping around mostly at Tiffany’s since it carries some sachet and has some integrity in terms of sourcing which matters to me. I want to give her something that she is proud of and impresses her friends, shows her I am serious, but at the same time does not make her a target when we travel. For example, let’s say I could afford a 3 carat diamond, I would not want her wearing that in public in the areas we intend to travel.

I don’t have any doubt that I want to marry her or that we should get married for financial reasons regarding retirment benefits and healthcare decisions etc. I’m just trying to figure out how to weigh the rock size question.

I’m interested in hearing especially from women regarding how I should think about this but all comments are welcome.

 

[Amethyst]

I don't see what your ages, # of marriages between you, or how you two grew up, have to do with choosing a gift.

An engagement ring is a gift of love, even though you seem to be looking at it more as a social signal. If you know she wants a ring (some women don't), buy her something you know she'll love.

By the time you want to get married, you are supposed to know more about each other's tastes and preferences than any stranger on the Internet can possibly know. You are also supposed to be able to ask each other "what would you like?" That is what my husband asked me when he proposed (he didn't need a ring for me to say yes). And we worked it out together.

As for travel/safety: My friend whose engagement ring is a 4-carat diamond solitaire, wears it everywhere. They usually travel with a group, but if in a sketchy locale, she'll leave the ring in a hotel safe. You two will know best what "sketchy" means in your location.

Best of luck!

 

[DrRoy]

1/2 to 1 carat.

 

[brucethebroker]

I agree w/Amethyst, just ask your future bride. I think it would be fun to go shopping together for a ring. A price discussion ahead of time would keep it in line with your mental budget. Good luck with your "ask".

 

[brucethebroker]

BTW, a jeweler friend had some great advice on rings years ago. Look for a diamond just under 1 carat. He said there are great discounts in the .88-.95 carat range, since technically, they are not considered 1 carat. Most people cannot tell the difference when on the finger.

 

[Amethyst]

I forgot to mention: Diamonds are about a billion years old, yet many people insist on buying "new" diamonds at expensive retail jewelry stores.

You can get a much better buy on diamonds, other gems, and settings at a reputable estate-jewelry seller, or as we like to call it, "Dead People's Used Jewelry."

 

[brucethebroker]

Yep. Visit a "gem recycler" and go green (more than one meaning....).

 

[Aerides]

Ask your GF. She might not even want a diamond.

I remember DH and I first talking about marriage. He guessed, correctly, that I was not the sort of person who wanted to be presented with the ring of his choosing, but would want to pick out my own jewelry. We went shopping together.

There are plenty of non-Tiffany reputable places. If you do end up with a diamond solitaire or center stone, and she doesn't tell you what size, go at least a full carat, and nothing higher than E for color.

 

[gattara]

I agree w/Amethyst's advice - just have the conversation with her. We each have different preferences. It was very important to me to choose my own ring, but I am very picky, especially when it comes to something I will wear daily for the rest of my life. Some are happy with whatever they've been given. Just ask, do what she wants, and she'll be happy!

 

[VanWinkle]

I just went through this and had my SO pick out 2-3 rings she liked. Later, I went and purchased the one she liked best and surprised her with a proposal at her favorite restaurant. It was a 1/2 carat ring she thought looked better than the solitaires. We could have afforded much more, but didn't see any reason to do that.

 

[Retired Expat]

I agree w/Amethyst, just ask your future bride. I think it would be fun to go shopping together for a ring. A price discussion ahead of time would keep it in line with your mental budget. Good luck with your "ask".

I agree, I asked my wife (3rd actually if that matters) to come look at the ring i wanted to buy her. Having already proposed with a temp Swarovski crystal ring I bought that afternoon. When I told her it was a place holder but about the size of what the real one would be she flatly refused. That a $25k ring is something she would never wear but the fake one was perfect! I wanted to at least upgrade to a CZ but she refused. Despite having money herself she only wears costume jewelry. So I surprised her with Business class seats on the flight home and have been doing that ever since. When her “Ring” the fake Swarovski got damaged they replaced it F𝚛𝚎𝚎 under warranty.

But we live in South America where you just don’t go out in expensive jewelry and where robbers will hack your hand off if needs be. Has to be something you can give them with zero hesitation. At which point they will know it is fake and likely not even take it. But she wears her ring everyday and cherishes it.

 

[euro]

I agree with most of the other posts: ask!
You have done this before and you are both at an age where you don’t need to play games anymore.
For my DW and I, this was a two step process. First, I proposed (and she said “yes”. Then we discussed rings. Turns out she did not want an engagement ring at all and preferred us to save the money. We did buy simple gold bands for the wedding.

 

[Luvtoride]

My only advice would be to find a good reputable local jeweler to deal with instead of Tiffany. You will get more for your money, great personal service/ attention and still be able to meet "integrity with sourcing" concerns.
Ask your friends and colleagues as there are many "jewelry exchanges" in most areas that have great jewelers to work with. They can all OBTAIN any size/ price range of stones and settings you want.
Congrats and good luck.

 

[brett]

Absolutely avoid the shopping center jewelry stores or those 30 percent off clip joints.

Go to Costco or Blue Nile.

If you know an insurance adjuster ask him/her for the name of a customer jeweler where you can select a stone. Some one who will then ask you to select a setting. Might not be a fancy environment but you will probably get much more for your money.

Three months salary is an industry thing aimed at love struck suckers.

 

[CRLLS]

The 3 month's salary was created by the deBeers group. It means nothing except money in their pockets. As other's have said, propose first, then discuss if, and what kind of ring she would want. When I gave DW her engagement ring, we both had nothing to start out so I think it was about 0.2 carat. After some years, the diamond got chipped and a newer ring was purchased. This time about 1/4c. My wedding ring was lost in a snowstorm, a replacement has worn so much its edges were razor sharp and I stopped wearing it a few years back. We are creeping up to 49 years now. While rings are nice, they are just a outward sign for others, not the internal bond between 2 people.

Alternatively, my mother's engagement ring was left to my wife, she had the setting placed on a new band and wore it all the time. When DS was going to propose, he asked for the stone. DW gladly gave him the ring. He proposed with that ring, DIL is very sentimental about family and was thrilled to have a story to go with the ring. Later they had the diamond removed and placed in a new custom setting. DW got her empty setting back and I had a garnet placed in the empty space.

I definitely would ask her what makes her happy and go with it. Your life going forward will have plenty of joint decisions to be made. Make this one of the first.

 

[Freedom56]

You should buy your ring from a reputable dealer in a diamond district (if your city has one). You will pay much less than retail and get a better quality product. I bought my wife's ring from a jeweler in the Los Angeles jewelry district over 30 years ago and they are still in business. I bought her a 1 carat brilliant cut solitaire (E color, VS1) set on a 18K white gold band with 24 smaller diamonds. She was not expecting anything more than a simple band which is the tradition in Switzerland. It cost me $4500 back in 1991. Diamonds don't have the same allure as before. They are not as rare and can be easily created in labs now. There are several companies doing just that. Before you spend any money, find out what she wants.

https://www.mbjewelers.com/

 

[Bestwifeever]

Congratulations! Your intended sounds amazing. What a contrast between what her loser first husband gave her and what you would like to do. My daughter was completely surprised with a 1.3 carat Tiffany engagement ring about 15 years ago and it means the world to her; she loves that it's a classic and yes the cachet as you mentioned, and she wears it every day. I think it's a nice size stone. She is smart, very down-to-earth, and far from a spendthrift. (My own ring is a sapphire that was much cheaper than a diamond and not from Tiffany, but unfortunately the setting was not designed to wear with a wedding band.) Good luck!

 

[OldShooter]

1/2 to 1 carat.

It's not really that simple unless you choose it to be. In addition to weight, the important parameters are color, cut, and clarity. Better diamonds are graded, aka "papered", and come with documentation from a recognized rating laboratory.

Maybe 30 years ago after being out in the world for a while and having some money I bought DW the diamond that she had never gotten. It is papered and has a cut rated good, color "I", and Clarity VVS2.

I ended up focused on the clarity value. Virtually all diamonds have some inclusions with the lower grade diamonds having inclusions easily seen with the naked eye. I recall one salesman pitching me a low quality 2 ct. stone with the argument "Make a statement." Unfortunately for him, the statement I saw myself making with that stone was: "I buy junk." So I went with a smaller, better stone from a dealer whose focus was on quality.

I suggest that anyone looking to buy a good diamond first do some internet research to understand the various grades. And if your salesperson cannot give you the CCC parameters of a stone being offered, assume it is junk. Best to get a papered stone.

 

[pacergal]

Unless you want this to be a total surprise, definitely ask her and check out rings together so you get an idea of what she likes. You can always have her choose 2-4 that she would wear, and you purchase one of them. Still a surprise, but one you know she will be happy with.
If you have a budget limit, let her know ahead of time. The cost needs to be something you are comfortable with, not some % or specified recommendation by a jeweler or news article.

Brilliantearth has conflict free stones. Also very nice man made ones--very different than CZ and are actual diamonds, difficult for jewelers to tell if manmade or earth made
BlueNile also has nice rings at good prices.
You are paying premium for the Tiffany name.

She may not even want a diamond, but a colored stone.
Ask!
And Congratulations on your upcoming engagement.

 

[daylatedollarshort]

DH and I just have inexpensive gold bands, no engagement ring for me. That is more our style. We have no interest in supporting the de Beers diamond monopoly. I actually own a fancy diamond ring I inherited but leave in a safe deposit box. One of my friends has a cubic zirconia. She says no one she knows can tell the difference.

I'm sure there are many other women where an expensive, real diamond ring might be important to them. So if you don't know, ask. Checkbook.org (subscription site) has a series of articles on how to buy diamonds and where to get the best deals, including a price shopping chart and alternative gems to consider.

They also had this to say -

"...though many consumers still associate lab-grown diamonds with lousy fakes, they’re actually chemically and structurally identical to mined diamonds—even jewelers can’t tell the two types apart. For stones weighing between one and two carats, manufactured stones of similar size and quality usually cost 75 percent less than mined ones. Your savings could be even greater—up to 90 percent less than the equivalent mined stone—for a fancy-colored diamond.....Our specified 1.5-carat lab-grown stone typically cost $3,000 and up among retailers we shopped; we found similar ones on secondhand sites for less than $1,500."

They point out that since half of all marriages in the U.S. end in divorce, there is a surplus and a lot of savings in buying used diamond rings online or at pawn shops.

 

[retire48in2018]

I’ll agree with others to get an idea what she would like.

IF it is big $ - add a jewelry rider to insurance. Typical household insurance does not sufficiently cover - to add piece of mind - if that’s what’s needed. It’s generally in the 1% to 2% per year.

 

[Gumby]

My only advice would be to find a good reputable local jeweler to deal with instead of Tiffany. You will get more for your money, great personal service/ attention and still be able to meet "integrity with sourcing" concerns.
Ask your friends and colleagues as there are many "jewelry exchanges" in most areas that have great jewelers to work with. They can all OBTAIN any size/ price range of stones and settings you want.
Congrats and good luck.

Some 40 years ago, I rented an apartment above a jewelry store in Saratoga Springs, New York. The jeweler owned the building and was my landlord. We got along quite well, and when the time came to get an engagement ring, I went to him. He brought out a bunch of loose diamonds and took great pains to show me the differences in color, clarity and size, as he explained how diamond pricing was always a tradeoff between those three things. I eventually settled on a stone and a ring to put it in. I spent virtually all the money I had at the time. The now young wife was quite happy with the solitaire that I picked out and still wears it happily.

 

[Dalmore]

The 3-months salary rule stems from a De Beers campaign they ran in 1930s. Utter Rubbish. Value has nothing to do with it. It should be what the two of you find pretty and meaningful. If real stones have more meaning than perfect lab grown stones, then spend the extra. DW and I went to a jeweler (30 years ago) talked about designs we liked and had her craft something unique for us. It has a sapphire as the central stone, no diamonds. It is meaningful to both of us and she gets lots of compliments on it.

 

[W2R]

They point out that since half of all marriages in the U.S. end in divorce, there is a surplus and a lot of savings in buying used diamond rings online or at pawn shops.

Back in 1975, my ex and I got a great deal on wedding bands at a pawn shop. Mine was $20, his was $30 and matched mine, both were plain gold bands (real gold, didn't turn my finger green). As for my engagement ring, my grandmother left me hers in her will. It was 1/3 carat and pretty normal looking. So, we didn't pay anything for it.

Don't buy a big fancy engagement ring! If you are seriously tempted, talk to your future bride. Tell he she can have that, or you could put it into a down payment for a house or car or something.

When she is first engaged and newlywed, her friends are going to want to look at her ring and "oooh!" and "aaah!" over it and she will wish she had a big diamond. But once she's been married a year or so, nobody will care or want to look at it and she will no longer wish for a big diamond. At least, that is what I think.

 

[Amethyst]

Not necessarily. A bigger, sparkly rock gets admired, no matter how long you've been married. It's just new people admiring it, because as you pointed out, the previous viewers are used to it.

When she is first engaged and newlywed, her friends are going to want to look at her ring and "oooh!" and "aaah!" over it and she will wish she had a big diamond. But once she's been married a year or so, nobody will care or want to look at it and she will no longer wish for a big diamond. At least, that is what I think.