Moving Dad to Assisted Living

[Teacher Terry]

I guess the thing about applying early is that you can be on the list and then if you don't need it you can decline.

 

[Walt34]

I guess the thing about applying early is that you can be on the list and then if you don't need it you can decline.

Exactly. When we were there the guy said one fellow in his 90's always declined, saying he wasn't ready yet. So it is entirely possible we may never move from here. I certainly wouldn't make the move now but I like having the option to in the future.

 

[tps7742]

Thanks for all of the comments in this thread they have been very helpful and an eye opener. My mother had a serious car accident a couple of weeks ago. Fast forward she is now in rehab with them trying to get her back walking due to a back surgery and taking care of her own basic needs. We have noticed she is very optimistic about getting back home and resuming her normal life. Problem she needs to stop driving, she has made comments no one is taking her keys, lives in a rural area, her house is isolated. Her mind is still sharp and she has always been very independent so we are going to have our hands full to say the least. Two of us live close with my oldest brother travels with his motor home so isn't around much. In reality our mother will not be able to resume her normal lifestyle due to her health issues after the wreck. My siblings are in agreement we need to address all of these issues but are kind of not sure how to meet them head on without impeding her progress in rehab. We don't want her to just lay down on trying to better herself.

 

[Teacher Terry]

What about talking to your Mom about moving into an apartment in town. That way she could be independent and live on her own with maybe some in-home services if she needs them such as Meals on Wheels, etc. That might be a good compromise.

 

[audreyh1]

Dad seems to be settling in very well. He's been exploring the place on morning walks, and has had more visitors as people in town find out about his move. The great thing about his new residence is that it is on the way for a lot of people who know him. I also managed to set up call forwarding, so old (out of town) friends have been able to reach him and find out about his new situation.

My sister is back now and she reports that Dad isn't really interested in going out for meals unless it's something really special - he prefers the meals at his new home, and doesn't even miss his daily breakfast place in his old town. My sister took him back by his house with his list of some more books and items he wanted and they picked them up, but he was happy to get back to his new home by dinnertime.

So, I'm feeling very good about all this right now. I though it would take longer for him to adjust, but it seems to have moved right along.

 

[chris2008]

We gave my Mom (87) a "test week" at an Assisted Living as a christmas gift 3 years ago "so you can experience how it could be if you ever want to move".
She loved it right away but needed some months to finally decide.
Now she is living there for more than 2 years and tells everybody that she has waited much too long.

Good to hear that your Dad is adapting quickly, too.

 

[MBAustin]

Glad to hear that your father is doing so well after the move, Audrey!

 

[Teacher Terry]

My aunt is still living alone in an apartment at 92 and cooking, cleaning, etc. She did have to give up driving about 2 years ago due to her eyesight.

 

[ERD50]

Glad to hear that your father is doing so well after the move, Audrey!

+1 These are big changes, and I think they are positive for most, but sometimes things don't work out so well.

I'm glad it is going well in this case.

-ERD50

 

[Katsmeow]

Interesting thread.

I have looked at this from 2 standpoints - my mother and for DH and I.

My mother is 92 and still living in the house she has lived in for almost 70 years. She lives about 5 hours away from us and I am the only child. She really refuses to consider living anywhere else. She is mentally fine (she is a little more forgetful than she used to be). She has a number of health problems, but manages. She still drives to the grocery store and short, local trips. When she has to go across town to the doctor she either has a friend take her or there is a local service that picks up older people in a van I think. She doesn't really like that because they often had to drop off other passengers so takes awhile.

Someone mentioned Uber as an option. That would be one for me, but not for her since she doesn't have a smartphone or a computer. She had a smartphone for awhile, but couldn't really get the hang of using it. Managing life now if you can't use a computer or smartphone makes things more difficult.

We have been offering for years for her to move in with us. She doesn't want to do that until she has to. I understand why she doesn't want to -- she values her independence and she doesn't like how we do some things. On the other hand, I think it would be easier on her if she moved any with us while she is still ambulatory and mentally in good shape.

She is talking a bit more about it doing it, but talks about it as something later. I wish I could help her with stuff but being so far away I am not there to really do stuff for her. She talks about how hard it is to manage everything. I know it is, but I can't really do much to help long distance.

All of this has made me think about DH and I. DH is 69 and I'm 62. Currently, we are both in good health. We currently live in a house on an acre because we have several dogs. When the dogs pass away (they range in age from almost 10 to 14), we plan to move to a house that is smaller and with a much smaller yard. Where we live is about 20 minutes from stores and 45 minutes from most doctors. I would much rather be closer to amenities as we get older. Unlike my mom, we are young enough that we are comfortable with technology. But, I think it will be easier the closer we are to places we need to go and if we have a home that requires less upkeep than our current house.

I think that the various CCRC options sound good for later old age. The biggest obstacle for me for those kinds of things is that as long as I can I want to have a couple of cats. I know some assisted living does allow pets, but that would be a big issue for me

 

[O2Bfree]

Someone mentioned Uber as an option. That would be one for me, but not for her since she doesn't have a smartphone or a computer. She had a smartphone for awhile, but couldn't really get the hang of using it. Managing life now if you can't use a computer or smartphone makes things more difficult.

My mom sees computers as a "d@mned waste of time", based on one of her friends who's on that d@mned thing for hours every day. (The friend is stuck in a wheelchair, so why not?) But then she doesn't hesitate to ask me to research or order something for her online!

Mom's 87 and was living in an assisted place at the non-assisted level. After 18 months she decided she was too young for the place. So we moved her into an apartment. She's still driving ok, but who knows for how much longer. Wish she saw computers as what they can be, a magic window to the world.

 

[Amethyst]

My observation of older generations using computers is that they understand how useful and interesting a computer can be, but they resent the constant readjustment that one has to do in order to keep up. Let's face it; you cannot simply "learn to use the computer" and let it go at that.

Even someone who can still learn new things, gets frustrated when the routine they've memorized no longer works, and they find that they are expected to do what everyone else does: figure out the new routine that has been imposed by some mysterious outside power. As for someone whose learning skills are no longer all that nimble, the level of frustration usually leads to the computer gathering dust.

My one remaining Uncle was very active online into his 80's, and loved doing genealogy research, sending emails, and so on. Unfortunately, once cognitive decline set in, he couldn't keep up with "updates" and "upgrades" and all the rest...the first clue to his decline was when we stopped hearing from him online.

Amethyst

Wish she saw computers as what they can be, a magic window to the world.

 

[athena53]

I agree with Amethyst. DH used to design web sites and also used Photoshop to digitize and improve hundreds of slides my Dad took over decades. I just posted 2 more on FB today.

Even a couple of years ago (he was 76) he quit updating our travel web site because he couldn't get the hand of style sheets. He took a community college course in it but I think the class was way ahead of him and he got lost. In his last months he even had a hard time learning to use Roku. I'd have to get him into the menu so he could binge-watch WW 2 documentaries. I hope that doesn't happen to me for awhile.

 

[ProspectiveBum]

In his last months he even had a hard time learning to use Roku. I'd have to get him into the menu so he could binge-watch WW 2 documentaries. I hope that doesn't happen to me for awhile.

It won't help for CSS design, but for home electronics, I think voice-driven navigation will be a big help in the coming years. Our Amazon FireTV can search for shows by name or genre. Push the microphone button on the remote, and say "World War 2 Documentaries", and it instantly displays a list of 83 available programs. No drilling through 5 levels of menus, just immediate access to what I was looking for. It's not perfect, but I expect it to improve a lot in the coming years.

 

[O2Bfree]

It won't help for CSS design, but for home electronics, I think voice-driven navigation will be a big help in the coming years. Our Amazon FireTV can search for shows by name or genre. Push the microphone button on the remote, and say "World War 2 Documentaries", and it instantly displays a list of 83 available programs. No drilling through 5 levels of menus, just immediate access to what I was looking for. It's not perfect, but I expect it to improve a lot in the coming years.

Texas Instruments came out with a voice-controlled PC back in the early 80s. I was working for Computerland at the time, and remember the salespeople going gaga over the first demo unit. Hopes were high for big sales, but the concept didn't take off. For one thing, it didn't work so well. Also, This was pre-Windows, so you had to know some DOS commands to get around.

I'm surprised that voice-control hasn't come farther than it has since then. Although it probably wouldn't be popular for office environments, or wherever privacy is an issue.

 

[Katsmeow]

I have 2 moms. I am adopted and I grew up with my adoptive mom who is now 92. I also found my birthmom many years ago and have contact with her -- she is 87. In many ways they are very similar. They grew up in similar locales of similar SES and had similar education -- high school educations. Unusual for their era, both of them worked full time as adults even after marrying and having children. My birthmom has lived for over 50 years maybe 10 miles away from where I grew up and where my 92 year old mom still lives.

Despite all these similarities, they are totally different on computers. My 92 year old adoptive mom understands that computers are useful. But, she just has difficulty with technology and figuring out how to use it. And, it is not just computers. I remember years ago trying to teach her how to program a VCR and she just couldn't get it. I finally wrote a sequential step by step plan and she would skip steps to instead do what she thought she should do. She was an intelligent working woman, but just couldn't get the idea. She had similar problems with a smartphone. She couldn't get the idea of the touchscreen. Part of what makes it hard is that she retired before computers and the internet were in common usage so it just all seems foreign to her.

My birthmom on the other hand, uses a computer with 2 monitors, is an avid user of both Facebook and Twitter (she has over 2000 followers), and has an iphone and iPad. She also didn't really work with computers in her career, but she picked up easily. She doesn't have a lot of deep technical knowledge but she has children who do and can help her.

So, I think sometimes it isn't really the age of the person, but more different interests and abilities.

 

[athena53]

My 92 year old adoptive mom understands that computers are useful. But, she just has difficulty with technology and figuring out how to use it. And, it is not just computers. I remember years ago trying to teach her how to program a VCR and she just couldn't get it. I finally wrote a sequential step by step plan and she would skip steps to instead do what she thought she should do. She was an intelligent working woman, but just couldn't get the idea. <snip>

So, I think sometimes it isn't really the age of the person, but more different interests and abilities.

That was my mother except that she was a full-time mother. She ran the family finances, understood compound interest, avoided credit card debt (preferred 90 days same as cash) but never could get the hang of computers even though Dad (a retired engineer who's very computer-friendly) would patiently explain things to her and she'd write down all the steps. She went first, but if she'd outlived Dad she would have needed a LOT of support from us on anything computer-related, whcih is just about everything these days.

 

[O2Bfree]

So, I think sometimes it isn't really the age of the person, but more different interests and abilities.

My mom's friend who spends several hours a day on a tablet is 93, and got the tablet just a few years ago. She cruises the internet and keeps up with her family on FB. My mom is rather narrow-minded about things. If it's something she doesn't like, then she can't understand or appreciate how anyone else could possibly like it.

I'm adopted, too. Haven't found my birthmother, though...maybe she uses/used computers.

 

[Katsmeow]

I'm adopted, too. Haven't found my birthmother, though...maybe she uses/used computers.

I always liked gadgets and bought my first PC in 1988. (I know that is late for some people). When I found my birthmother, I also found my 3 half-siblings. One of them is a programmer, and another works in IT (the third uses social media but doesn't work in anything computer related). So when we all met, we immediately had a lot to talk about as we would always immediately start talk about computer stuff. My birthmother has commented about how much we are alike in that regard. (And, years later, my son is majoring in computer science.)

 

[Sasset]

If it's something she doesn't like, then she can't understand or appreciate how anyone else could possibly like it.
:

This sounds just like my Dad!!

 

[broadway]

I always liked gadgets and bought my first PC in 1988.

That's when I bought my first PC too.
A 286 from a company called Swan. They may have been based in Pennsylvania somewhere. Learned to program Borland C on it.

I remember seeing my first PCs in college. They were genuine IBM and the U. of Illinois was one of five universities to receive them.

 

[O2Bfree]

This sounds just like my Dad!!

So maybe you've had conversions like this:

Mom: So what'd you do today?
Me: We went diving down at the docks. Got some crabs, then we saw...
Mom: Oh, that's sure not for me, I don't like the water, I don't even like getting my face wet. Funny, but I like to be in a boat on the water. I just love going on cruises! You know, the last cruise we were on...etc. etc.
Me:

My dad was that way, too.

 

[Sasset]

So maybe you've had conversions like this:

Mom: So what'd you do today?
Me: We went diving down at the docks. Got some crabs, then we saw...
Mom: Oh, that's sure not for me, I don't like the water, I don't even like getting my face wet. Funny, but I like to be in a boat on the water. I just love going on cruises! You know, the last cruise we were on...etc. etc.
Me:

My dad was that way, too.

LOL. Close. I went on a cruise with my parents years ago. At the end, Dad said he would never do that again and didn't understand why anyone would. Yet over the years they have seen 6 continents by traveling, you guessed it, on cruises!