Moving Dad to Assisted Living

[Danmar]

My FIL has terminal stage 4 cancer and has recently moved into a palliative care facility. Up until now he and his wife (MIL) have lived in their suburban Toronto home. This "crises" has now caused my MIL to considering moving into an independent living facility. She is really reluctant but to his credit, my FIL is insisting she make the move. They were doing pretty well up until quite recently. He is 91 and she is 88.

My DS is their main "support person" as her sibs live out of town (actually we do mostly too). Really a difficult time especially for DS. We will be very happy when things are "resolved". These are very difficult decisions. Not sure what I will do but will try not to wait till "my back is against the wall". This will be difficult.

 

[broadway]

These are very difficult decisions. Not sure what I will do but will try not to wait till "my back is against the wall". This will be difficult.

Knowing when to make the move is not always easy.

After my father died from complications of a brain tumor, we decided it was better if my mother moved to where I lived in NJ. And instead of being 13.5 hours way from my sister, she will only be 5.5 hours away.
My mother had great neighbors, but both me and my sister were at least 10 hours away by car. So, my mom got her house ready and three years later made the move.

 

[kcowan]

My FIL has terminal stage 4 cancer and has recently moved into a palliative care facility...

Yes the timing can be dicey. MIL had stage 4 lung cancer and the hospital insisted that she be moved to a palliative care facility. We had shopped around and found a perfect one for her. Took many personal effects before she got there. She died 3 days later.

(They did say it could be from days to months.)

 

[rodi]

Based on this thread I talked to DH last night. We agreed that we'd seriously consider a CCRC or Assisted living when he's 85 and I'm 75.

I mentioned earlier - I have a friend at Vi La Jolla - she leads a super active life - as do most of the residents. She was never married and broker her wrist in the garden one day - that was her wakeup call that living single and not being able to care for yourself as well (cooking, getting dressed, etc) would become more of an issue as she aged. So she moved in, in her mid 70's... conveniently right before knee surgery - so she was able to take full advantage of the in-house PT services post surgery.

I also mentioned earlier that my step mom moved to Assisted living when she could no longer drive. She has said she regrets not moving sooner. She's at another fairly high end place that has independent, assisted, and memory care - but no nursing care. My sister's MIL was also there (Wesley Palms in San Diego)... until she had to move to nursing care at the end, at age 93.

My parents didn't need this... but they died of cancer much younger. Mom in her late 60's, and she had dad to care for her. Dad in his late 70's - and his cancer progressed so fast that step-mom didn't have to care for him because he went from mobile/healthy to dead in 4 days.

My only other senior family member I've observed is my grandmother - she lived in a senior community in La Jolla until she could no longer live independently. At the time my mom was in the throes of chemo so dad already had his hands too full to take in his MIL. My sister took a sabatical from work to care for our grandmother her last year. (my sister is my role model - I hope to be as giving as she is.)

 

[audreyh1]

Moved Dad in today. Left when he went in to dinner. Felt strange returning back to his house without him.

Whee! Three weeks! Even got all his legal paperwork up to date and filed health directive at the local hospital.

 

[audreyh1]

[-]Whee[/-]! Three weeks! Even got all his legal paperwork up to date and filed health directive at the local hospital.

Oops - I meant whew!

 

[Danmar]

Yes the timing can be dicey. MIL had stage 4 lung cancer and the hospital insisted that she be moved to a palliative care facility. We had shopped around and found a perfect one for her. Took many personal effects before she got there. She died 3 days later.

(They did say it could be from days to months.)

I think he will last for a while. Still walking around with a walker and has a good appetite. But you never know. He's in Sunnybrook.

 

[MichaelB]

Moved Dad in today. Left when he went in to dinner. Felt strange returning back to his house without him.

Whew! Three weeks! Even got all his legal paperwork up to date and filed health directive at the local hospital.

That's a big step for him, and an amazing amount of progress in only three weeks. Hopefully things stay on track. Have you figured out a way to stay in contact and share info among the siblings?

 

[Moemg]

I didn't want to take the home health care approach for several reasons. Isolation would be a serious issue. On top of that is supervision of the home health care workers. I think it can work if a close family member lives within say 30 mins and can check up on the situation regularly - provide some supervision and feedback. But otherwise, how do you protect the aging individual from unscrupulous home health aides?

We had this happen with a very close friend . The health care aides basically robbed her blind . Her house was filled with antiques and they mostly went missing . We finally stepped in and had her moved to a memory unit near my Mom and Aunt . She received excellent care .

 

[kcowan]

He's in Sunnybrook.

Dad and Bro both died in Sunnybrook. Dad was 3 days and Bro was 4 weeks. He never moved to the palliative wing but the hospital staff had discussed it.

 

[Huston55]

Based on this thread I talked to DH last night. We agreed that we'd seriously consider a CCRC or Assisted living when he's 85 and I'm 75.

That's really the big (and difficult) decision isn't it...when?

DW & I have pretty much decided that a CCRC is in our future (no children) but, knowing when is the difficult bit. I'd be interested in how you & your DH reached your decision. I understand the "age" criteria, with the caveat that there's not a major health crisis before then. But, then there's the risk that one of us does have a major health crisis before said "age", and that occurrence restricts or complicates our options.

 

[youbet]

That's really the big (and difficult) decision isn't it...when?

DW & I have pretty much decided that a CCRC is in our future (no children) but, knowing when is the difficult bit.

+1

If you're looking for a Type A contract CCRC, timing is very critical. Go in before you're ready for an "apartment and meals in the dining room" lifestyle and you'll be unhappy. Wait too long and possible medical conditions may prevent you from qualifying for a Type A contract.

 

[Walt34]

If you're looking for a Type A contract CCRC, timing is very critical. Go in before you're ready for an "apartment and meals in the dining room" lifestyle and you'll be unhappy. Wait too long and possible medical conditions may prevent you from qualifying for a Type A contract.

Like so many other things I think it depends on the person. My mother was downright depressed about selling her house and moving to the CCRC but knew it was logically the best answer for her. Her mother had severe dementia and the other members of her family had to deal with it because they were local and we lived 400 miles away. I'm sure she felt some guilt at not being able to help (we didn't have money to spare) and she didn't want to burden her kids with having to deal with it.

Six months later she said "I wish I had done this ten years ago!"

The place had lots of activities available and she participated in many of them. Sometimes it would take a few days to reach her on the phone because she was always running around doing stuff. She definitely was not sitting in the apartment watching TV much. As age caught up with her she did slow down a lot but always seemed in good spirits.

 

[kcowan]

When Bro was in the hospital, I scouted out facilities for him and found one that was great. They even had a workshop and a pool table. Right on the transit line in the heart of town. It removed any fear I might have about seniors' living. Independent suite with the option of communal dining.

 

[audreyh1]

That's a big step for him, and an amazing amount of progress in only three weeks. Hopefully things stay on track. Have you figured out a way to stay in contact and share info among the siblings?

Sure. In fact this all started when my sister visited from overseas mid-September and Dad announced he was ready for her to check him into a nursing home. Of course my sister freaked.

She contacted me, and I was in France! (Which she had forgotten). She ended up staying with Dad a week longer than planned, which coincided with a visit from the youngest brother, who also lives overseas. They did some initial scouting. I had one place I had already vetted in a nearby town, but Dad wanted to stay in the closer town at first so they were checking those.

So we arranged things for us to fly out when my sister needed to go north to visit other family, and we took over the process. She planned to be back a month later and stay longer as needed. My goal was to get Dad settled by the time we needed to return to TX. Dad had really been pushing this, so I didn't want to drag it out even if my sister could stay with him in the house longer.

My first task was to convince him that the places in the closer town were not a good match at all but that there was a really good place in a town just a little further. Fortunately he had some long time relationships in that town as he used to be very involved in a church there, and it was a favorite place until he stopped driving that far. Once he heard that all us siblings had discussed and agreed he felt OK about our recommendation.

Of course it really helped that the place really rolled out the red carpet for him, he knew some people there, and the lady that has run it forever is just fabulous.

It's been a whirlwind, but all siblings have been involved. The middle brother, who lives only two hours away, came down this weekend to help with the physical move. He has a regular weekday job, so we try to accommodate his schedule. I'm the only retired sibling - and the eldest. The two siblings who live overseas are independent consultants/specialists and work on a contract basis, so they have chunks of time where they can help out - but they also have international flights to be here! And one of them has a family with young children. It's complicated! By some miracle this process all happened when we could be here one after the other.

Everyone is returning (or staying on) for Xmas.

 

[audreyh1]

Like so many other things I think it depends on the person. My mother was downright depressed about selling her house and moving to the CCRC but knew it was logically the best answer for her. Her mother had severe dementia and the other members of her family had to deal with it because they were local and we lived 400 miles away. I'm sure she felt some guilt at not being able to help (we didn't have money to spare) and she didn't want to burden her kids with having to deal with it.

Six months later she said "I wish I had done this ten years ago!"

The place had lots of activities available and she participated in many of them. Sometimes it would take a few days to reach her on the phone because she was always running around doing stuff. She definitely was not sitting in the apartment watching TV much. As age caught up with her she did slow down a lot but always seemed in good spirits.

I know a couple in their late 60s who moved into such a place because the wife has non-diabetic neuropathy and has had increasing difficulty walking. They are in a really nice house with full kitchen and all the amenities of a normal retirement home, yard garden, etc. They are still traveling internationally as long as she can, and living completely independently. They just anticipate that at some point before too long this will start to change.

So it's not a lifestyle crimp at all at the moment, and they have the reassurance that when things change for her, the transition will be seamless. They can start taking community meals whenever they want, or have meals brought to the house, stay in the house with full assistance as long as they want.

That's what I will be looking for in my mid-seventies if I'm still healthy - independent living in a small house, townhouse, or apartment with full kitchen, etc. I expect to drive and come and go as I please. But I also want to be able to take advantage of communal dining and assistance as needed. And housekeeping of course!

One thing about an elderly person living alone: housekeeping eventually goes to hell, and home maintenance becomes non existent. I want to be well settled somewhere before that happens.

 

[audreyh1]

In terms of age - with various relatives living alone, around 85 seemed to be the age where a move to communal living was required. Personally I would prefer to move to a place with great independent living well before that age, that has all the resources for additional care as needed.

 

[youbet]

Like so many other things I think it depends on the person.

Six months later she said "I wish I had done this ten years ago!"

s.

Sounds like pretty good timing for your mom. But what about you and your DW? Now? Next year? Some unknown time in the future?

These are tough decisions!

 

[Walt34]

Sounds like pretty good timing for your mom. But what about you and your DW? Now? Next year? Some unknown time in the future?

These are tough decisions!

Yes they are tough. Right now we're fine but of course that could change tomorrow. The place we applied to doesn't really want you there before age 70 (they will let you in but charge a higher fee). I'm 66 now but DW is six years younger than me. We have a much higher regard for CCRC's than many people because of my mother's and FIL's experiences.

A lesson learned from both is to make the move well before we have to. My mother did that; FIL did not and it made the transition much more difficult for him at age 82 and at that point he had no choice because of physical ailments. He was determined to stay in his house and die there but circumstances dictated otherwise. He was also terrified of nursing homes because he had to put his father in one in the 1960's, and apparently it was one of those places where they put you in bed, turned on the TV, and you waited to die. I haven't seen one like that for a very long time.

So as to "when" I'm thinking no later than mid-70's for me and that will put DW very close to 70. All maintenance is done by the CCRC except for optional stuff like painting. But if the refrigerator quits or the roof leaks, they deal with it. And actually, I'm getting to the point that I'm looking forward to that. I used to really enjoy house maintenance/improvements, now it's so-so and I'm sure later on I'll be happy to hand all those chores off. I find I'm now much more willing to hire someone to do stuff that I didn't give a thought to doing myself like lawn mowing.

 

[braumeister]

All maintenance is done by the CCRC except for optional stuff like painting. But if the refrigerator quits or the roof leaks, they deal with it. And actually, I'm getting to the point that I'm looking forward to that. I used to really enjoy house maintenance/improvements, now it's so-so and I'm sure later on I'll be happy to hand all those chores off.

In a lesser way, I'm experiencing that right now.
Moved just over a year ago from a relatively high maintenance house (2.5 acres, mostly trees, older house) to a newer, relatively high end condo. Giving up the home maintenance (snow plowing, leaf clearing, etc.) was the best thing that ever happened to me.

In fact, I was just marveling recently at one small but very noticeable change. I was clipping my fingernails and suddenly realized that it was practically the first time in decades that I had done that. I've been a nail biter all my life, but moving to the condo removed so much stress from my life that I no longer do it.

When the time comes to move to a CCRC, I'm sure I'll be ready for it. I'm thinking ten years, but DW says "let's push it as far out as we can" so who knows. At 70, I'm still pretty spry but beginning to recognize the signs.

 

[aja8888]

I'm 73 and have no plans to move into a CCRC. I am still pretty active and hope to stay that way for another decade. DW, on the other hand, is 71, has COPD and her knee is giving out (may need a replacement soon). Other than that, she gets along very well and the COPD is more of a nuisance right now. We both travel, drive, have good friends and stay busy.

Yard/household work is mostly done by me and I am tiring of it. We are planning a "makeover" for the rear yard this Fall and I will get it started, build out the deck, but the rock moving will be hired out. Once I get going on a project, I have no problem getting it done, but the getting started is getting harder to kick off.

Both our parents had no assets and all died under the care of a son or daughter or at home with part time caregivers so we have no experience with LTC facilities.

 

[rodi]

That's really the big (and difficult) decision isn't it...when?

DW & I have pretty much decided that a CCRC is in our future (no children) but, knowing when is the difficult bit. I'd be interested in how you & your DH reached your decision. I understand the "age" criteria, with the caveat that there's not a major health crisis before then. But, then there's the risk that one of us does have a major health crisis before said "age", and that occurrence restricts or complicates our options.

In our case it's a starting point. He has longevity on his side. (His dad died at 90, his mom just turned 90)... but also dementia on his side (mom-in-law is in a memory unit). His mom was fine, but slowing down at age 85. DH is comfortable with the idea of making a move at 85, if not sooner.

On my side - it might be moot... cancer is pretty strong in my family. Mom died at 67, dad at 77, bro at 48, 3 of 4 grandparents in their 60's and 70's. All of cancer.

We've got an almost 10 year difference in our age...

We'll be flexible in our approach - just as we plan to be with our SWR... adapt to circumstances. If, medically, it makes sense to move sooner, we will.

But at least we have the plan on the table and don't look at it with fear and trepidation.

 

[Huston55]

In our case it's a starting point.

But at least we have the plan on the table and don't look at it with fear and trepidation.

Yep, plan in place is the key thing I think.

Thank you Madam Rodi.

 

[Walt34]

When the time comes to move to a CCRC, I'm sure I'll be ready for it. I'm thinking ten years, but DW says "let's push it as far out as we can" so who knows. At 70, I'm still pretty spry but beginning to recognize the signs.

One of the downsides to waiting is the question "When you want it, will one be available?" All of the good ones that I've seen are all full and have waiting lists. That's why we applied so early, I think I was 63 at the time. So if you plan to wait ten years, now is not too early to apply. My mother was told it was about a ten year wait, turned out to be six. But of course that is somewhat unpredictable with a small population segment.

 

[youbet]

One of the downsides to waiting is the question "When you want it, will one be available?".

And if your preference is a Type A contract, there is also the risk of not qualifying if you wait until "need" has already occurred. My aunt was drifting into dementia in her mid-80's. Her daughter submitted an application to the desired CCRC and she was accepted but they decided to wait as aunt was still doing OK at home living independently. Less than two years later, she reapplied and was rejected for a Type A contract because her capabilities had diminished. She's a resident there now in the memory unit on a Type C plan but at significantly more expense than had she entered independent living when first accepted.