Setting the First Boundary Against Encroachment

[Aerides]

There should be no reason to "set boundaries" like this with friends. They shouldn't be asking, this shouldn't be an issue with normal people. Your friend is the issue.

My sister (still working, kids, errands and running around like crazy all the time) would not have asked like this. On the occasion that she has asked for help, it's been very gracious and with notice and very conscious that it's a favor. Even though she knows (I hope) I'd never say no.

Your friend really over imposed unless couched with tremendous up front apologies and begging (late night text the day before - not it). I would have pretended to not even see the text and therefore respond too late (since, you'd be sleeping in the next morning and not in a rush to check your phone right?).

I would not worry about any damage to the friendship based on this one push back. If there is any issue, she caused it, by showing you and your time zero respect. If she even brings up feeling wounded, prepare to let this one go, she is only going to keep pushing the limits and seems rather selfish from your examples.

Even the lunch you describe... she should have just rescheduled vs. you just bringing lunch to her house. But either way, you shouldn't have to set boundaries... so the next time she has a favor to ask...have your "No, sorry, can't" ready.

 

[Major Tom]

I stopped answering the phone. Would just listen to the voice on the "tape machine" (this was 1996) and chuckle.

 

[iloveyoga]

I would say "No, I'm sorry I'm not able to help with that." No back and forth and explanations, but that is how I would handle it.

 

[Scrapr]

She owes you now. I suggest calling on this friend when you next need a favour, for example, to drive you to the airport when you depart on the first of your ER trips! .

LOL. My overseas flights always are 1st one of the day. 5:00 am baby!

We have a neighbor that we trade airport runs. I do the early flights because I'm up early anyway. They take the late night ones. So far we are about even steven.

 

[Chuckanut]

What! You are not sitting around at home doing nothing while waiting for people to call you in retirement and give your life a purpose?

This may be a one-off, if so, just forget it, and - if you can - be a good friend who can help out. OTOH if the person is a Crazy Maker you may have to get tougher.

Like may old grand pappy used to say "Never complain. Never explain."

 

[Jerry1]

I'll reinforce that a simple "no" is all that was/is needed. Sure, a polite no, but a firm no. I learned this being the introvert I am when people asked me to some event. I use to would try to make up an excuse or on the day, come up with a way out, but then I learned to just tell the truth and say, no thanks. The more close a friend was, the more I might explain - no thanks, you know I don't do that type of stuff . . .

OTOH, I don't know this person and it certainly doesn't sound like this is something planned. And, I don't know how she asked you. I can't imaging anyone other than family asking me to do something like this, but if a close friend ask me to get them out of a jam and I knew the person not to be a user of people, I'd probably have done it. But I'm not you. You weren't ready to do something like that so an "I'm sorry, I can't do that", was all you needed to say.

 

[48Fire]

Is this new behavior, or have you enabled this in the past? My parents complain about things like this, but they never say no. It just reinforces the next request.

 

[gauss]

My advice: Get people use to a 24 hour delay in returning phone calls and emails -- perhaps the same things with SMS/text msgs. Your time is your own now and you don't need to be at anyone's electronic beck and call.

Just because we have allowed this to intrude in our "professional" work lives, doesn't mean that we need to allow it into our newly minted ER lives.

I suspect that all the stress resulting from 24 hour availability will take its toll down the road in aggregate health issues.

-gauss

 

[gauss]

I wonder if the ladies in our culture, as opposed to the men, are more likely to be [-]burdened by[/-] subjected to these types of requests.

 

[Amethyst]

Probably not, but some may have more difficulty saying no.

I bet the biggest funeral assemblies are probably for men or women who continually dropped everything to do for others. You just gotta decide if you want lots of people at your funeral.

I wonder if the ladies in our culture, as opposed to the men, are more likely to be burdened by these types of requests.

 

[gauss]

Agreed.

BTW I edited my post above to modify the wording to more accurately reflect my original thought.

 

[Danmar]

I wonder if the ladies in our culture, as opposed to the men, are more likely to be [-]burdened by[/-] subjected to these types of requests.

I can’t remember ever being asked to help out this way. Would probably do it once but then be ready with an “excuse” if it happened again. I would only feel comfortable asking close family (daughter/SIL) for this kind of assistance.

 

[Sunset]

I generally don't answer the phone, too many spammers and I don't feel ruled by the ring, so that might explain why I don't get subjected to these requests, unless the person plans ahead

 

[Danmar]

I generally don't answer the phone, too many spammers and I don't feel ruled by the ring, so that might explain why I don't get subjected to these requests, unless the person plans ahead

Likewise. We move around so much that land lines are long gone. Hardly anyone I know actually uses their cell phones for voice calls anymore. So it’s basically text or maybe email.

However, I did get an unusual phone call, a couple of week’s ago from my new Canmore neighbour who wanted to know if we planned to be there around Christmas. We weren’t so he asked if he could “borrow’ our house for a few days to help house his family get together. Caught me off guard but was a pretty easy decision.

 

[Amethyst]

Now that's what I call chutzpah. You don't even know him, right?

my new Canmore neighbour who wanted to know if we planned to be there around Christmas. We weren’t so he asked if he could “borrow’ our house for a few days to help house his family get together.

 

[Meadbh]

However, I did get an unusual phone call, a couple of week’s ago from my new Canmore neighbour who wanted to know if we planned to be there around Christmas. We weren’t so he asked if he could “borrow’ our house for a few days to help house his family get together. Caught me off guard but was a pretty easy decision.

That’s a pretty ballsy request! You hardly know this guy. For all you know, his extended family could include troublemakers who could trash your house. Canmore has plenty of hotels, which I’m sure his family members can afford.

 

[Amethyst]

They could be perfect angels, and a mess is still pretty much guaranteed when you get a family together that is big enough to require a whole house for their party.

Even if they hire a cleaning service, it's still a lot of wear and tear.

Completely unreasonable request.

That’s a pretty ballsy request! You hardly know this guy. For all you know, his extended family could include troublemakers who could trash your house. Canmore has plenty of hotels, which I’m sure his family members can afford.

 

[mh]

I have two good friends in the neighborhood ( one also ER and another who just works a few hours a day at home now ) and we always do favors requested of each other. If it is inconvenient we just say so, with no reason needed. It works out fairly evenly. For me it’s worth the occasional minor inconvenience to have the accompanying “favor support network” in place.

 

[tmm99]

I've been in a similar situation, so I know the feeling of adrenaline spiking and all that. I think it all depends on what kind of relationship you have with her, but I have a feeling that you felt inconvenienced a bit already when the lunch date morphed into you picking up the lunch and taking it to her house, because her running errands was more important to her than keeping the lunch date at a restaurant.

I probably would have just told her that I was too busy to do it, with no explanation, but who knows. I had one friend who was always late for our dates. She would call, but still late nonetheless. A couple of times she was more than 30 minutes late when I had dinner ready for her. After a few of those incidents, I ripped into her saying she had no respect for my time. I was ready to drop the friendship, but she understood what I said and she turned around for me (never late except on rare occasions that she was held up by work or traffic). We have been friends for over a decade now. Another friend, I helped her with cat-sitting her cats many times (for free) and it got to the point where she was asking me to do a whole lot more than just feeding the cats (making me do unnecessary duties.) One time, I told her I couldn't do it and suggested that she talked to another mutual friend of ours and she said "Oh, no, I don't wanna ask her. She would expect me to pay for it." I dropped the friendship pretty much right there and then.

I don't mean to sound bitter, but I call people like these divas. I am pretty easy and helpful, but only up to a point. Once I feel used or taken advantage of (when someone shows no respect for my time or the help I'm providing for them), that's it. No more favors, no, nothing. I only keep friends who are *willing* to meet me half way. (I say, "willing". They may not, but the intention is what matters to me.)

 

[tmm99]

I have two good friends in the neighborhood ( one also ER and another who just works a few hours a day at home now ) and we always do favors requested of each other. If it is inconvenient we just say so, with no reason needed. It works out fairly evenly. For me it’s worth the occasional minor inconvenience to have the accompanying “favor support network” in place.

I totally agree. Our next door neighbor and we are willing to clear each other's snow when we are out of town.

 

[flyingaway]

What the difference between this and the things many early retirees want to volunteer for?
You just do not want to be abused and this was just a one-time event. No big deal.

 

[FIREd]

My neighbors seem to value self-reliance, as do my friends. People in my family have a tendency to feel entitled to my free time, but they live far away for most of the year and I rarely have to deal with their constant demands (though my poor sister has to, despite a full work schedule). MIL lives close to us and can be demanding of my time (yard work, banking/investment/tax advice, home maintenance, etc...), but I have set boundaries with her.

 

[tmm99]

However, I did get an unusual phone call, a couple of week’s ago from my new Canmore neighbour who wanted to know if we planned to be there around Christmas. We weren’t so he asked if he could “borrow’ our house for a few days to help house his family get together. Caught me off guard but was a pretty easy decision.

It sounds like a scene from some movie (a comedy, obviously). Surreal!

 

[Indigo Mule]

Thank you, everyone. It was helpful to receive your perspectives, and your validation. I hadn't thought I was a pushover, but now that I am making *myself* the priority, I can see how often I have compromised and accommodated the needs of others.

I will definitely delay my responses to text messages by twelve to twenty-four hours, and retrain everyone that they don't get same-day replies. In fact, I won't worry about the texter getting the "read (at time)" message without an accompanying reply to their text. My delay in replying IS a message, right? Just because they want an instant response doesn't mean I am compelled to give them one. (This makes me squirm with discomfort, but I agree that it is a very good retraining for both them and me.)

I will absolutely use that beautiful and simple script, "Oh--I already have plans." That is brilliant. And true, as you all pointed out!

Again, thanks for the quick and constructive feedback. I appreciate you sharing your experiences as I transition this huge change. I still do the giddy-happy dance every morning, and sing "I don't have to go to work today!" while making my coffee. I am sure that once this becomes my new baseline, these simple requests won't throw me for a loop.

 

[FireFool]

You could do it, for a price. Your ending hourly pay? ��

No is the default answer. Don't start doing something you don't want to do. Say no emphatically.

I've already established that my ending hourly pay is nowhere near enough to get me to do things/work that I don't enjoy. No, and I can no longer be bought in any form.