Your Spouse After Retirement?

[mountainsoft]

My wife and I are planning to retire at the same time, so I'm not bored at home alone, and to avoid any resentment she might feel still having to work while I'm goofing off.

I don't expect my own life to change much after retiring. I'll probably still keep working at least part time for a while as I enjoy it and it won't take much effort once I scale back. Even a few extra dollars each year would help. I'm sure I'll do some woodworking, probably waste too much time watching TV, take care of yard work, and do my usual errands running to the grocery store or home center. I also hope we'll be able to do more hiking, go see movies, and do little overnight getaways more often. Nothing too extravagant, just enjoy the time we have together.

My wife has a long list of hobbies and crafts she is looking forward to, but mostly I think she just wants away from work. She doesn't have the social interaction at work she used to (they've retired or moved on), but I still worry how she'll do long term without daily interaction with her coworkers. (I've worked alone over 25 years, so no worries for myself).

That said, I do wonder if she'll actually pursue her interests once she retires. She has many interests now, but when she does have time off work she's never motivated to work on her crafts, sort through stuff that's been piling up, or whatever. Most days off she just plays puzzle games on the tablet. I'm glad it's relaxing to her, but it seems like a waste of time (like my TV watching is productive) and it would be sad if that's all she does once we retire. It's ironic because she is such a workaholic at work, and so dedicated to caring for her mom, but at home she just isn't motivated to do much of anything.

On the upside, we both truly enjoy time with each other. No matter how much time we have we want more. We are each others best friend and enjoy doing everything together.

Anyway, I'm curious if your spouse followed the path they envisioned after retiring? Did they pursue the interests they thought they would do? Did you and your spouse get closer or spend more time apart? Was there an "adjustment period" to your new retired life together, and if so how long did it last?

 

[Ronstar]

My DW watched tv during most of her spare time pre-retirement. She still spends most of the day watching tv 5 years into retirement. Along with exercise class 4 days a week in retirement.

She didn't have any plans to do anything in retirement - so tv fits in just fine. We spend a little more time together than we did when working. I don't usually come into the house until around 5. We didn't have an adjustment period since we spend about the same time together as we used to.

 

[Bir48die]

My wife retired eight years before I did. She did everything around the house and many painting and yard projects. She has never been much of a television watcher except the normal Batchelor shows. Yes there was an adjustment after I retired but we spent a lot of time together prior to that. We have tried to have some parts of our life separate for good reason. Too much time together can be resented by one or the other. If she’s happy watching the tube and gets exercise then that’s her prerogative. However I think it’s healthy to suggest a hobby or hobbies to broaden her horizons. My wife became a CASA which is winding down. In the meantime I just got her hooked on golf at the age of 65 so her days should be filled until it’s time to put away the clubs for good. BTW I try and not golf with her regularly. That’s not alway a good idea for some marriages like ours

 

[gwraigty]

Maybe when she has larger chunks of time available, she'll be more motivated to pursue her other interests. It can be hard when you just have a few hours left after work, or the regular days off. You said she's caring for her mom, too. She's just squeezing in what she can for herself right now, stuff that doesn't require a whole lot of thinking, planning, and effort.

 

[folivier]

My DW refused to retire until I had been retired for a year. She was afraid I would want to return to work. Didn't happen, won't happen! So after 1 year I told her the motorhome was loaded and I was leaving soon. She turned in her notice and we're still traveling.

 

[ExFlyBoy5]

My DW is still w*rking, although at reduced hours. I will say that I had "grand plans" for retirement with all the new found time. Well, guess what? That time is spoken for just as soon as I get up. I am NOT complaining, I am just saying that what you and DW have planned for retirement might be something totally different than what you actually retire "to"

 

[tmm99]

Not a relationship export (not even close), but if I were you, I would prepare myself for her playing videos games on her tablet (or watching TV, etc) all the time after retirement. You might need to curve your urge to criticize her for being lazy or whatever because of it as that won't be good for you too.

As for myself, I consider myself pretty lazy when I'm home, but DH doesn't mind.

 

[fh2000]

My DW and I both resigned in January this year.

Together, we have gone on cruises; a number of short and long trips. We still have a few coming this year. Total travel days will be around 145.

During the month of July and August when we stay home, we go to local community college to swim daily, then walk in a local mall. Tuesdays are our movie day since there is a deep discount in AMC theater. Wednesdays are library days. Fridays are Costco days. I also sign up with free days with local museums and gardens.

We do things together. So far no issues.

 

[Red Badger]

Irrespective of how she uses her time, make sure to give her ample breathing room. I didn't. Shortly after my retirement, she was very sullen. One day, during a walk, I probed for the issue.

"Too much husband, not enough money" was her reply.

The money was fine, but she wasn't yet comfortable with no regular check flopping into the bank. And I was guilty of invading her space. Between these dramatic new changes, she was simply overwhelmed. I got out of the house doing my own thing and all was okay.

Another recent thread indicated that many of us parted ways with our co-workers after retirement, because they were co-workers - not true friends

If you two love being together, everything else will likely fall into (blissful) place. It has for us.

 

[Teacher Terry]

Your wife is tired from everything she is doing. I would want to rest too. 2 TV’s and separate offices have been the secret to retirement success) We do some things together and some separate.

 

[mountainsoft]

Irrespective of how she uses her time, make sure to give her ample breathing room.

Obviously we try to do things together, but when I'm doing my own thing she tends to follow me. If I'm on the computer (i.e. reading this forum) she'll come hang out in the office with me. If I go watch TV, she'll come hang out in the living room. She plays her games a lot because she can bring the tablet with her to do her thing, while she is with me doing my thing.

I keep telling her she doesn't HAVE to be with me every minute, that she can do her own thing, but I guess I'm irresistible.

Maybe she'll get sick of me once we retire and be more willing to take time for her own interests. Of course, then I'll probably whine about not getting enough time with her.

 

[Teacher Terry]

I would strangle someone that was following me around the house)

 

[pacergal]

DH retired before I did, he developed a hobby of working with wood out in his shed/man cave. Thats where he is almost daily, while I am doing my thing in the garden, on the computer, reading, or whatever. We go for walks, eat at least one main meal together and generally watch TV or movies together the evenings, or go for country drives and just talk.

Give her some time after retirement to figure out how she wants to plan her day, however SHE wants it to be. If you feel you need some of your own space/time away from each other, then communicate that early on before it becomes a bigger issue.

 

[ckelly78z]

Most likely, your wife will find a groove after retiring, if not, maybe you can steer her into a YMCA membership, or a local senior center who has many different activities for the 55+ crowd.

My wife is an absolute workaholic, and never seems to have any time, for nearly anything else. She will want her greenhouse built, and her raised bed gardens upgraded, along with all of her animals.

I truly enjoy working/being alone, but have a separate heated, metal working shop that has an attached 2 post lift in my barn...so projects galore, and I could take on some paying projects.

 

[rk911]

My wife and I are planning to retire at the same time, so I'm not bored at home alone, and to avoid any resentment she might feel still having to work while I'm goofing off...

every retired man needs three things...

- a good truck
- a good dog
- a working wife

 

[Scuba]

DH and I retired on the same day. I think he was a bit worried because he likes to sleep in and likes his alone time which he either spends on technical projects (ie organizing our digital photo library, setting up a NAS, etc.) or watching movies. I think he was afraid I’d wake him up early and drag him with me on activities he wasn’t really excited about. This hasn’t happened.

I was a bit worried too. I was afraid I’d be resentful of his sleeping in later than I do, and we’d end up not spending much time together because I have a lot of friends and volunteer activities outside our home, plus I go to the gym or swim most days.

Turns out neither of us had anything to worry about. We each maintain our different sleeping schedules, and I do go out and do more things with others than he does. However, we also spend more time together and we really enjoy that.

The key is being flexible and letting go of any expectations you have of the other person. It sounds like you and DW have a great relationship. That definitely helps. I’m sure you’ll both find retirement very enjoyable!

 

[DrRoy]

DW retired about a year and a half before me. Her employer told her that she couldn't take 2 more weeks off for us to visit Arizona that year. She said 'Oh yes I can' and quit.
I traveled a lot for my job, and the biggest adjustment when I retired was she had to get used to me being around all the time. She regularly said that I needed to find something that got me out of the house occasionally. I had been out of the house plenty for the last 20 years, and except for the much travel we do together, I did not leave often. It took her well over a year to get used to that.

I had to get used to doing more chores around the house.

 

[Dd852]

My wife retired before me and has always had a full life of interests. When I retired seven years ago, it became great to spend more time together. A couple of issues however:
I’d been a big boss for a very long time. All of a sudden the only person I could give orders to was the one person in the world least likely to respond well to them. That was quickly beaten out of me.
She finds me too “sticky” - so it is important that I have enough things to do by myself to give her the space she loves. That’s a constant and continuing adjustment based on our moods and needs.

 

[Bamaman]

My wife ran medical laboratories, and her whole life was spent on her feet. Then she came home and kept a somewhat obsessively clean home--finally falling in bed at 10:30 p.m. Then spinal stenosis and arthritis got to her, and she started falling down stairs. She had to retire at 50 on social security disability. She's spent her last 18 years working on her health, including numerous operations and being in pain management. Otherwise, she's as healthy as a horse--except for the arthritis. She too plays games on her tablets too much, but I'm on the internet too much too.

We now are raising an 8 year old granddaughter, and find this arrangement to be very frequent in our community. Our girl's a joy to be around, and we don't know what we'd do without her. I've become a semi-full time driver for Brynley and all her extracurricular activities. Today's the first day of her private schooling for the year, and her 3rd grade academics are so much tougher than I remember. It's back to working on homework 3 nights a week.

 

[robnplunder]

DW retired long before I did so she already had her ER routine. When I retired, she didn't have to get up early to give me a ride to my company shuttle stop. In that regard, her life got much easier. We also played more golf together. Before, we played golf on weekends mostly. Other than that, her routine didn't change much.

 

[Badger]

My wife retired a year before I retired and started playing more tennis with the freedom from a work schedule. It has been 8 years and she still plays about 5 days a week with her tennis leagues. In the winter maybe a little more. It has been her favorite interest along with travel and resting up for the next day's tennis.
Glad she is enjoying her retirement after decades of working. I hope she stays healthy enough to continue playing for many more years. She doesn't do as well if she is not active. For that matter I don't either but that is not an option for me anymore. My daily physical activities are limited to riding my recumbent trike. Fortunately I have a buddy that I ride with every morning while she is playing tennis.



Cheers!

 

[ShokWaveRider]

I w*rked from home for the last 20 - 25 years of my wo*king life, leaving only to go to the Airport (Mostly Bi-weekly), so I was used to being on my own. I retired (the second time) 5 years before DW did. The first time we retired to go sailing for a few years then both went back to work once we returned. When DW did finally retire she really did not change much, she goes out for lunches with friends a lot more than I do. We both have hobbies and spend a lot more time together at home. When I get my medical device (ICD) updated, I will be more apt to do more traveling. But really we have done a lot in our younger years and I traveled constantly for w&*k.

A nice quite High QOL life walking distance to a wonderful beach in a nice well managed community is more of a priority now, and we have that. Although we/I would like to down size the home by 1000sqft or so and lose the pool. Other than that...………………..

 

[ivinsfan]

I w*rked from home for the last 20 - 25 years of my wo*king life, leaving only to go to the Airport (Mostly Bi-weekly), so I was used to being on my own. I retired (the second time) 5 years before DW did. The first time we retired to go sailing for a few years then both went back to work once we returned. When DW did finally retire she really did not change much, she goes out for lunches with friends a lot more than I do. We both have hobbies and spend a lot more time together at home. When I get my medical device (ICD) updated, I will be more apt to do more traveling. But really we have done a lot in our younger years and I traveled constantly for w&*k.

A nice quite High QOL life walking distance to a wonderful beach in a nice well managed community is more of a priority now, and we have that. Although we/I would like to down size the home by 1000sqft or so and lose the pool. Other than that...………………..

Mind sharing your thinking about traveling with an ICD? My DH has one for over 6 years and we haven't been concerned about traveling. Of course we travel mostly domestic now.. His EP doc said we should go wherever we want to since it's like having your own ER room in your chest.

No problem if you don't care to answer.

 

[ckelly78z]

Mind sharing your thinking about traveling with an ICD? My DH has one for over 6 years and we haven't been concerned about traveling. Of course we travel mostly domestic now.. His EP doc said we should go wherever we want to since it's like having your own ER room in your chest.

No problem if you don't care to answer.

I also have a new ICD that was brought on from CHF, that was triggered by the
chemotherapy drug Adriamycin. Mine was new in November 2017, and we have traveled to the Dominican Republic, and Jamaica with no problems (I do get hand scanned rather than the magnetic booth). According to the results from my bedside scanner, my 10 year battery life is down to 7.3 years because I am much more active than the typical ICD recipient (they had to turn it up to keep up with me).

 

[ivinsfan]

I also have a new ICD that was brought on from CHF, that was triggered by the
chemotherapy drug Adriamycin. Mine was new in November 2017, and we have traveled to the Dominican Republic, and Jamaica with no problems (I do get hand scanned rather than the magnetic booth). According to the results from my bedside scanner, my 10 year battery life is down to 7.3 years because I am much more active than the typical ICD recipient (they had to turn it up to keep up with me).

Sounds like a pacemaker? It's a semantic thing but technically as I understand it an ICD has a defibrillator component. One without the defib aspect is a pacemaker.

Most defibs do have a little pacing component that kicks in only when your HR is nearing the upper limit of a safe heartrate. But they don't usually pace both chambers of the heart. MY DH has a defib and he's pretty active at the 5 year mark he still had over 90% of his battery life. So if you don't have the defib version you wouldn't get shocked..( hence my comment about ER treatment in your chest). It get confusing because we thought for over 5 years my DH'ss would pace like a pacemaker and defib. But it only paces the bottom chamber of the heart when it beat too fast.

I'm supposing if he ever needs full time pacing and defib he would need to get another different device implanted. I only found this out when he had a open heart procedure with the external pacing wires. I asked the doc why he had that since he had an ICD already.