FIRE, love, marriage, and the single man

[Amethyst]

Since this is in the context of not needing to get married, by "showing her gratitude" were you referring to women trading sex for favors? What does a man do when another man does him a service out of the goodness of his heart?

I

If you do some service for a single woman, who of course realizes that you didn't have to do it, rather it was out of the generosity of your heart, she will show her gratitude. If she doesn't, not being stupid, she will realize that the favor will likely not happen again.

 

[lhamo]

Are there particular reasons why you are staying in your current geographical location? Because there are places in the US where the ratios between single women and single (straight) men are much more favorably weighted toward the men. You might have better luck moving to a place where there is a bigger pool. However, do note that those locations (DC, NYC and SFO are the big ones I am aware of) are 1) comparatively expensive and 2) likely to have a lot of career oriented women, which it sounds like you are not so interested in. Agree with others that you shouldn't settle.

 

[travelover]

By you... Sorry you feel that way and that life has dealt you some body blows..........

By marriage being over rated, I meant that a couple can have a satisfying life living together, as opposed to formally tying the knot. Marriage can be especially complicated when there is a wide difference in financial assets because divorce laws are a bit anachronistic.

 

[slowsaver]

Try going on some dates with ladies you aren't attracted to. If you find out that they have money, then you might suddenly think the look great! Women do it all the time, right? (Of course, sometimes they're called gold-diggers).

 

[scrabbler1]

I have never been married but have been in a relationship with a woman for about 9 years. I found her on line and she lived out-of-state at the time but soon relocated here to Long Island, NY and now lives a few blocks away from me. She has some money problems but her finances have improved (with some help from me, voluntarily - she has often rejected my help) a bit since then. At least I can help her with that, unlike her nagging health issues where I can't help her a whole lot (other than taking her to the doctor's office).

She is hardly like the local women I dated in my 20s and 30s. Nearly all of them lived with their parents and wanted to have children, something I never wanted. They had no money and were sometimes (but not always) high-maintenance which also chased me away in due time. (I heave heard the term, "sperm and a paycheck" to describe these women LOL!) My ladyfriend has an adult daughter with her own 3 kids who got divorced a few years ago. I have never met her and have spoken to her on the phone for about 10 minutes in 9 years. So my ladyfriend's family is basically absent from my life which is just fine with me.

My finances are my own and something I would never want to risk, as it took me lots of hard work to create, especially my much desired ER which occurred 5 years ago during our relationship. The thought of losing that is terrifying, with the only thing more terrifying is a major personal health issue.

 

[MooreBonds]

Money is one of those things that if you don't share the same values and beliefs, you'll wind up splitting anyway. It is a core part of compatibility in my book. There are compelling reasons to make that part of your criteria for what you find attractive about a person.

+1 Money-related items can come up SO frequently in a marriage, that it's very important to have it settled ahead of time so each person knows what to expect.

Like you, I'm over the 30-year mark (36), and also struggling to find someone who just has a decent positive net worth - not to mention the other things of having physical chemistry, etc.. I primarily use eHarmony, but am open to finding her in other ways. It's a struggle, but I still have hope to find "the one".

I realize that everyone comes from different backgrounds with different opportunities, and I do factor that in - but when you see how people make decisions, it can be clear that even if they did have more money, they wouldn't go out of their way to save it. It's like you said - many seem to be 'simply waiting' for someone to come along and fix all of their financial problems, and/or have absolutely no ambition to improve their financial health.

 

[Gumby]

When I first met the young wife, we were both indigent college students. I can't say that I gave much thought to her financial acumen when we were dating, but I did note and appreciate that she was not "high maintenance". Starting from zero, we were fortunate to find ourselves financially compatible and have together grown into our current, quite satisfactory, financial situation.

Edit to add: Yes, I did pick the smoking hot one. She just also happened to be very intelligent, hard-working, disciplined and frugal. As I mentioned in the thread about being lucky -- Yes, I am.

 

[haha]

Since this is in the context of not needing to get married, by "showing her gratitude" were you referring to women trading sex for favors?

No, and you have a dirty mind. Sex is not linked in my mind with favors, but rather with good feeling and attraction.

Do you express gratitude with sex, or do you perhaps have other modalities like every other person I have ever known?

Ha

 

[Lcountz]

I am 57, single, no kids, and have RE and am FI, will never have to work again.

I will/do not break a mirror.

I WISH I could find someone who is FI and has NO KIDS.

My experience has been...Kids from previous relationships cause nothing but problems cause they will ALWAYS come first. Even when Dad is forming a new relationship and never seems to care about his kids until the relationship becomes serious.....been there, done that.

No problem with that, but I want to be #1 once in my life.

Until then, I love my cats.

 

[GrayHare]

If not for gold diggers (of both sexes) a Singles forum here could be useful.

 

[HFWR]

Why marry? It sounds like you have been quite happy in committed relationships without that piece of paper and the financial entanglements that seem to come with it. But then, I am a divorcee so what do I know....

Better?

 

[HFWR]

I was 49 before I got married (56 now). Rather not get married than to go down the road with someone who you are hoping to "adjust" into what you want.

Much like shoes, if they're not comfortable when you try them on, put 'em back!

 

[HFWR]

Since this is in the context of not needing to get married, by "showing her gratitude" were you referring to women trading sex for favors? What does a man do when another man does him a service out of the goodness of his heart?

A six pack of PBR?

 

[brewer12345]

When I first met the young wife, we were both indigent college students. I can't say that I gave much thought to her financial acumen when we were dating, but I did note and appreciate that she was not "high maintenance". Starting from zero, we were fortunate to find ourselves financially compatible and have together grown into our current, quite satisfactory, financial situation.

Edit to add: Yes, I did pick the smoking hot one. She just also happened to be very intelligent, hard-working, disciplined and frugal. As I mentioned in the thread about being lucky -- Yes, I am.

I was similarly lucky. I suspect that it did not hurt that we met while we were both living in the hippy commune type co-operative dorm and dining hall which was student run. You pretty much could not possibly be high maintenance in that place (co-ed cattle showers, varying standards of cleanliness, mostly vegan/veggie food, a rather open and accepting standard of personal attire and grooming, a wide range of psychoactive substances consumed, etc.). In retrospect, it was a target rich zone for an appropriate mate. Good thing I got the best one.

 

[brewer12345]

A six pack of PBR?

According to the old joke, that is also the difference between straight and gay.

 

[Sarah in SC]

I was similarly lucky. I suspect that it did not hurt that we met while we were both living in the hippy commune type co-operative dorm and dining hall which was student run. You pretty much could not possibly be high maintenance in that place (co-ed cattle showers, varying standards of cleanliness, mostly vegan/veggie food, a rather open and accepting standard of personal attire and grooming, a wide range of psychoactive substances consumed, etc.). In retrospect, it was a target rich zone for an appropriate mate. Good thing I got the best one.

I have such a hard time imagining you as a hippie, Brewer!

But like y'all, we met young and broke, but both had the same ideas about what we wanted out of life. And we were lucky.

 

[brewer12345]

I have such a hard time imagining you as a hippie, Brewer!

Let just say that after 4 years in an all-male, Jesuit-run, Catholic scholarship school I was ready for a different experience.

 

[LoneAspen]

I'm 46, never been married, not really looking, and probably never will be.

I grew up in a small town in Alabama that I really didn't like. Even at a very young age, I knew I wanted to get out into the big wide world, so I purposely never allowed myself to get tied down by relationships in high school or college. I like being mobile, and able to pick up and move wherever the career opportunities, or mood, takes me.

I'm also a VERY independent person, and I don't like "clingy" or controlling people. I don't like asking permission, or compromising, on what I can and cannot do with my own money. I figure I work hard for it, it's mine, and I'll save it, or spend it, as I please.

(already detecting a tone that's not very conducive to relationships? )

If I ever did meet somebody, settle down, get married, etc, they would have to be willing to keep finances in a "mine, yours, ours" system. We would both fund the "ours" bucket to pay for joint things, but still have "mine and yours" buckets for everything else. They have full say over their bucket, and I have full say over mine.

One of the things that would make it very difficult for me to enter into a relationship with somebody who doesn't think this way is...I've built up a wall so high and so thick with respect to finances, that there is no way I'd allow any other person on earth to get through that wall, and have access to my finances. In the next 18 months or so, I might be able to walk away from the company I'm at with enough that I could (semi) retire and not have to do the 9-to-5 routine any more, which is something I've worked for all my life. And it's not something I'm willing to put at risk, for anybody.

Once I'm able to leave the working world, and finally enjoy all the things I've wanted to do in life for years, I'm not putting that at risk. If I meet someone who shares the same view, and we click, then great. But most people don't think that way, they want to share everything, and that would just put me at risk. Someone could walk off with everything I've made, or a nasty divorce could cost me half or more, etc. I know people who have been financially ruined because of relationships, and I will never put myself at risk that way.

Thankfully, I've never been the kind that felt it was mandatory to have someone along for the ride in order to be happy. If I ever meet the right person, then cool. If not, that's cool, too.

 

[rodi]

Interesting topic.

I felt the way the OP did in my early/mid 30's... no one who was a good match... Lots of serial semi-serious relationships through the years... but no one worthy of marriage. I'd very much gotten comfortable with my single lifestyle - had a home I loved, traveled on my terms, didn't have to answer to anyone.

Then at age 37 I met my DH. He was 47. Also never married. We changed that in less than a year. Despite the fact that neither of us had been married before - we didn't hesitate to make the commitment this time - because we *knew* it was a good match.

We definitely clicked financially and lifestyle wise. I agree with Sarah - if it's not a good match there - it's going to cause big problems in the marriage/relationship.

We've been married 13+ years... no regrets.

I'm just sayin'.... just because you're in your 30's doesn't mean you won't find a match in the future. It's worth holding out for the right person.

 

[iam21177]

I do believe the women you are looking for are out there! I would say that I was one of them. I owned my own house, put myself through grad school, paid off all debt before I even graduated, had dreams of early retirement, live below your means, and I'm in my 30s. I even went through a divorce at 31. I lost half my retirement to the ex and had to buy the ex out on the house (which I then owned myself), but I did this without wrecking myself financially. In fact, I was doing better financially without 220 pounds of dead weight.

I just got remarried last year at the age of 36. We dated for almost 4 years, didn't move in together until we were engaged. My H is 2 years younger than me. We have the same goals of ER. We live off half of our income the rest is saved or for taxes. We are more than just financially compatible, compatible on so many different levels!

And I found him in Utah in my own town! Do you know how hard it is to date in your 30s in a town where the non-Mormon dating pool is so small?

SO it's possible, they are out there. They exist. If they don't know what FIRE is, do they immediately not make the next date cut?

If they live paycheck to paycheck is it due to earning potential or spending habits? Because the two are different.

 

[Cassius King]

If money tears a relationship apart, then it was never really built on love to begin with.

 

[segfault]

I don't have anything constructive to add, but I do sympathize with the OP, as I'm in a similar situation, right down to many of the details (it's difficult for me to find women I'm attracted to, partly because I live in the middle of nowhere and the selection is slim). Add to that, I have zero interest in having/raising children, so that makes me less appealing to a lot of women. I also live in an area where there are a lot of religious fanatics, and the fact that I'm not one again makes me less attractive to a lot of women.

Other than that, I have a lot going for me.

 

[tmm99]

I don't have anything constructive to add, but I do sympathize with the OP, as I'm in a similar situation, right down to many of the details (it's difficult for me to find women I'm attracted to, partly because I live in the middle of nowhere and the selection is slim). Add to that, I have zero interest in having/raising children, so that makes me less appealing to a lot of women. I also live in an area where there are a lot of religious fanatics, and the fact that I'm not one again makes me less attractive to a lot of women.

Other than that, I have a lot going for me.

Hey, all you need is one person. Statistics don't apply when it gets to love and romance IMHO.

 

[Sea Kayaker]

Everything that the OP is looking for in a partner is what I found when I met and married my wife. Financially we are on the same page - we have been living on one income, saving/investing the other for the past 12 years.

I am close to leaving the workforce in my early 40's - without my DW, this would not be happening. I have no hesitation in saying that my finding my life partner is the single greatest thing to happen in my life.

It took awhile to find her, and I had my share of dating experiences that were similar to the OP's - I cringe to think back on some of it.

 

[cinman2000]

At 53 with a 28 year marriage, it has not been easy, but I really enjoy the companionship. If I was more of an extrovert, I suppose I could get my social interaction that way, but the truth is that we have had a positive effect on each other and are both better people than we would have been without each other. We were not on the same page on finances when we married, but neither of us would have been able to retire in 15 months as is in our current plan without the others influence. She would have saved her money in a savings account and I would have spent it all. That plus 2 beautiful kids make it a no-brainer were I able to go back in time. We are all different. Good luck!