I'll be hitting my FIRE number within the next few years and I'm scared that retiring early will make it that much harder for me to find a relationship because retiring in your 40s is obviously rather uncommon and possibly not relatable for most people in society. I'd like to hear from any single folk who have retired younger than normal and were able to find a long term relationship after they had started their retirement. It's tricky because if I had a partner now I might be willing to inflate my lifestyle a bit to achieve some common shared goal, but I don't see a reason to just keep working when I don't even know if I'm going to find someone else, but if I do meet someone after i retire, it might be harder to turn back the income. Or, I can target some lower withdrawal rate instead of 4%, but that just kicks the can down the road and there might continue to not be a partner in sight.
Romantic Relationships Post FIRE
- Thread starter teej1985
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I think I’d keep working if I was trying to develop a relationship. At 40, it’s entirely possible to meet someone who wants or already has kids. That would change your financial situation significantly. Now, you could do something different (work wise) if your current gig is more than you want to deal with, but I wouldn’t go full retirement until the relationship situation firms up. If you’re almost 50, you’d be on the fence IMO.
I guess I fear that if I am still single when I'm almost 50, I might feel like I would have wasted my 40s in a cubicle when I could have done more traveling. It would be especially devastating if I develop health issues in my 50s. My current job is more boring than stressful thankfully, though sometimes I get stressed when higher ups fail to plan and dump stuff on me with short notice
livingalmostlarge
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The issue I guess I also would have is if your lifestyle is ultra frugal and bone trimmed if you meet someone who isn't lavish but above your spending then what? I mean if you are living on $30ka and they live on $60k? Or have kids? Or want kids? Do you go back to work?
I when you fire early 40s is it fat fire? Where you aren't ever worried then cool go for it. A friend fat fired at 45 and is living it up. But if it's more barista or lean fire I'd worry even solo.
Doesn't dating can be expensive? Not expensive expensive but going camping can be more than sitting at home doing nothing. Going to visit friends and family during school breaks will be more than retired and free to travel midweek. Just doing stuff might cost more. Going to events with a significant other might cost something if you budgeted nothing. Maybe they like to visit their friends and family often and give first. Maybe they like to just spend money on experiences. Or give to charity more.
I guess if depends on what fire looks like for you.
I when you fire early 40s is it fat fire? Where you aren't ever worried then cool go for it. A friend fat fired at 45 and is living it up. But if it's more barista or lean fire I'd worry even solo.
Doesn't dating can be expensive? Not expensive expensive but going camping can be more than sitting at home doing nothing. Going to visit friends and family during school breaks will be more than retired and free to travel midweek. Just doing stuff might cost more. Going to events with a significant other might cost something if you budgeted nothing. Maybe they like to visit their friends and family often and give first. Maybe they like to just spend money on experiences. Or give to charity more.
I guess if depends on what fire looks like for you.
Sunset
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
You could date 20 yr olds, some of them don't have the work habit and might like to treat every day as a weekend. 
Mr. Tightwad
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
I'm single, retired at 45, am now 61 and met my current GF when I was 56 (she was 39 then).
So 5 years in and it's still a success. Best woman I've ever known.
My first suggestion is to meet women younger by 10 or 20 years. It's worked out well for me.
I also wouldn't waste $ on dating. Don't try to impress them. If you do that, you establish a precedent for the future. My GF and I do errands, take walks, and enjoy life without spending money. She hasn't inflated my lifestyle one bit. We take turns paying for meals, today she paid. Tomorrow it's my turn.
Good luck OP in your endeavor.
So 5 years in and it's still a success. Best woman I've ever known.
My first suggestion is to meet women younger by 10 or 20 years. It's worked out well for me.
I also wouldn't waste $ on dating. Don't try to impress them. If you do that, you establish a precedent for the future. My GF and I do errands, take walks, and enjoy life without spending money. She hasn't inflated my lifestyle one bit. We take turns paying for meals, today she paid. Tomorrow it's my turn.
Good luck OP in your endeavor.
Major Tom
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Disclaimer: I am 60, retired since the age of 45, and single, so not the type of person you asked to hear from. I do have a close female friend who I have known for 15 years, but not a girlfriend/partner.
I'd think of yourself first, and what you want out of life. If you do decide to stop work and retire early, then live your life the way you want to. That way, you stand the best chance of meeting someone with whom you are compatible. If you don't, then you are already living your best life anyway.
I wouldn't keep working simply to afford a possible future relationship, but that's me. Work for as long as you think you need to in order to afford the life that you want. It wouldn't hurt to account for a bit of extra discretionary income but, personally, I wouldn't put my retired life on hold simply because I might meet someone in the future. Just make sure to meet people who are capable of supporting themselves.
I'd think of yourself first, and what you want out of life. If you do decide to stop work and retire early, then live your life the way you want to. That way, you stand the best chance of meeting someone with whom you are compatible. If you don't, then you are already living your best life anyway.
I wouldn't keep working simply to afford a possible future relationship, but that's me. Work for as long as you think you need to in order to afford the life that you want. It wouldn't hurt to account for a bit of extra discretionary income but, personally, I wouldn't put my retired life on hold simply because I might meet someone in the future. Just make sure to meet people who are capable of supporting themselves.
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My experience:
Dating in your 40+'s stinks period. I think it would be a mistake to wait to find a partner to FIRE. I think online meeting can be a bit more challenging being RE as there seem to be a lot of free loading men out there and women have their guard up and RE and bum can look similar when dealing with men they haven't got to know. Unfortunately, online is where dating has gone although I'm not aggressive with it.
My FIREd life is about as perfect as it can get and I really want to find someone to share it with and believe one needs to act with intention and an open mind. I don't have a "check list" someone needs to meet (obviously basic values, understanding FI even if not pursuing themselves, etc are important) and am open to a larger geographic area (a benefit of FI and the flexibility it allows). If anything, I think it is easier to date being FI as I have more time flexibility, I have more energy, and my baseline has shifted to a happier state than when I was working. I also spend more time out and about... working 40-60hrs a week I only saw the same depressing people in the cubicle farm for most of my waking hours. Now I am more engaged in more activities increasing the odds for chance encounters. I also have a several women I met through one of my activities that think I'm a great guy and I think are starting to conspire to find me someone... I'm not sure how I feel about that but I'm not going to stop them unless they get intrusive.
I've met 3 good women this year (two through firedating.me) but the two that had some potential both had "issues" and got scared as things progressed. -Not to go into details but both had been in abusive relationships in the past and they were not over the trauma. It was hard when they didn't work out -loss of the opportunity, not any strong attachment to either but was moving in that direction and I had invested some of myself into them. My take away is that there are good people out there and I just met those two at the wrong time in their lives.
Someone mentioned age... that's an odd one. Most people FI are much older but I'm also pretty fit and probably closer to mid 30s in my biological age. I'm not hung up on calendar age but generally look between 39-51 (I'm 49), I'd go older and have dated older but many people my age can't keep up. Too young and the average maturity level drops IMO. I did have someone reach out to me online a bit younger than 39 (FI community) asking how firm I am on age (I'm not). We've been talking and hopefully will get a chance to meet.
Dating in your 40+'s stinks period. I think it would be a mistake to wait to find a partner to FIRE. I think online meeting can be a bit more challenging being RE as there seem to be a lot of free loading men out there and women have their guard up and RE and bum can look similar when dealing with men they haven't got to know. Unfortunately, online is where dating has gone although I'm not aggressive with it.
My FIREd life is about as perfect as it can get and I really want to find someone to share it with and believe one needs to act with intention and an open mind. I don't have a "check list" someone needs to meet (obviously basic values, understanding FI even if not pursuing themselves, etc are important) and am open to a larger geographic area (a benefit of FI and the flexibility it allows). If anything, I think it is easier to date being FI as I have more time flexibility, I have more energy, and my baseline has shifted to a happier state than when I was working. I also spend more time out and about... working 40-60hrs a week I only saw the same depressing people in the cubicle farm for most of my waking hours. Now I am more engaged in more activities increasing the odds for chance encounters. I also have a several women I met through one of my activities that think I'm a great guy and I think are starting to conspire to find me someone... I'm not sure how I feel about that but I'm not going to stop them unless they get intrusive.
I've met 3 good women this year (two through firedating.me) but the two that had some potential both had "issues" and got scared as things progressed. -Not to go into details but both had been in abusive relationships in the past and they were not over the trauma. It was hard when they didn't work out -loss of the opportunity, not any strong attachment to either but was moving in that direction and I had invested some of myself into them. My take away is that there are good people out there and I just met those two at the wrong time in their lives.
Someone mentioned age... that's an odd one. Most people FI are much older but I'm also pretty fit and probably closer to mid 30s in my biological age. I'm not hung up on calendar age but generally look between 39-51 (I'm 49), I'd go older and have dated older but many people my age can't keep up. Too young and the average maturity level drops IMO. I did have someone reach out to me online a bit younger than 39 (FI community) asking how firm I am on age (I'm not). We've been talking and hopefully will get a chance to meet.
Music Lover
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
IMO, the only reason to keep working if you're looking for a partner is if your job puts you in regular contact with potential mates.
If not, retire and actively look for a partner.
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If you actually really want a romantic partner, start efforts on that sooner than later. But if you're almost 40 and haven't really wanted to try before, what is the reasoning on waiting, and why do you think you'd want a partner later on?
I think it's harder later not just for finances, but sharing a life and a home with someone is a bigger transition the longer one stays single. But either way, the right person doesn't just float into sight for most of us.
I think it's harder later not just for finances, but sharing a life and a home with someone is a bigger transition the longer one stays single. But either way, the right person doesn't just float into sight for most of us.
To FIRE or not is one question. Finding a romantic partner is another question.
Frankly, I see them as separate and unrelated. If you're ready to FIRE, do so.
Want to find a romantic partner? Do that as well by usual routes (social clubs, volunteer activities, special interest activities, etc.). To w*rk solely in the hopes of finding romance seems futile to me.
Frankly, I see them as separate and unrelated. If you're ready to FIRE, do so.
Want to find a romantic partner? Do that as well by usual routes (social clubs, volunteer activities, special interest activities, etc.). To w*rk solely in the hopes of finding romance seems futile to me.
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I agree with this. I would not wait until you retire to find the "perfect" partner. Rather, if you are interested in having a serious relationship - I would learn what it means to be one of a partnership sooner rather than later.
IMO, romantic relationships take many twists and turns. Aug. 2024 will be our 40th anniversary. Looking back, I found a great friend first. Someone I could talk to, learn to trust, and have similar goals. That took a few years. Then again, there's love at first sight that can last many years. Things like this can happen when you least expect it.
I started efforts when I was 25, lol. It is not a case of waiting and wanting it later. As much as I can want it, doesn't mean it will happen.
I actually live in SoCal also. How did you find your girlfriend? I find that the women in this region are very much into lifestyle spending, it sounds like you found a needle in a haystack, lol.
I have also talked to my share of traumatized women, and that gets exhausting. Don't want to fault someone for something that someone else did to them, but it does get annoying when you meet this seemingly great person and it could have worked out if only you had met them later on after they healed from their trauma. One of my friends I met in the FB fire groups recently went on FIRE Dating and she said she matched with Mr Money Mustache. When I realized I am competing with actual MMM for women, just shoot me now.
How did you meet this latest person from the FI community? How did they know that you were looking as it sounds you did not meet on the dating site?Basically, I believe that i can fund my life on about $40,000 per year as I have several years of spending data, I also think this is the sweet spot for ACA tax credits to get cheap health insurance.
I've been on the fence about targeting a $1.5M number just to have what seems like a massive buffer, I don't think it would significantly extend my career, but there's no way to know for sure. Some years I spend less, some years I spend more.
My current plan is to build up a $1M+ portfolio as well as save up another $100k-$200k to buy a condo for cash somewhere in MCOL area. Basically the vast majority of my spending would be discretionary because my housing cost would be very low. This would not feel like a life of deprivation for me, but if I were to fall in love with someone who has a more expensive desired lifestyle than I do, I might not enough have $$$ to keep up with them, so where do I draw the line on the work longer so that my level spend is in alignment with more women vs work less sooner so that I can live more earlier;
The longer I work, the bigger my FERS pension (and social security) will be. I currently have 5 years of federal service, so if I retired today, I would start a ~$3200 annual pension at age 62, with a 23 year wait to start the pension, but if I work 10 years of federal service, it would be closer to a $9221 annual pension at age 62 with a 18 year wait to start the pension. If I work 15 years, it would be more like a $16k annual pension with a 13 year wait to start the pension. If I work for a total of 24 years in the federal government - when I hit my minimum retirement age, then the combination of FERS and social security would easily cover my expected expenses, and I would get retiree health insurance, but that's a very long time to be sitting in a cubicle at a boring job. The nice part about working for the federal government is that i can try different things as well as different locations, so i am of course applying to different things and their may be less urgency to retire if I ever do find a job that I love.
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I think it would be interesting if you expanded on that thought.
Music Lover
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
If you don't want to work anymore it's reason enough.
SecondCor521
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
I'm 54, FIREd, and single since a divorce in 2006. Currently somewhat interested but somewhat cautious and not really looking.
Major Tom's comments above are pretty much exactly what I would have said.
I did think about this when I FIREd, and my conclusion was that I would be incompatible with someone who expected me to support them, even though I could now. They would need to be some combination of LBTM and frugal (or interested and willing to learn) for it to work out.
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Not the OP, but for me this past year I found myself in a great place and intentionally trying to find a partner is one of my "jobs" as a deeper connection with a companion is the only thing missing in my life. I am the best version of myself (helped in part by FIRE/reduction in work stress) and have a lot to offer the right person. Not desperate but motivated and willing to put in the effort to get to know someone and build a relationship with them and looking for the same.
If you're looking for a significant other then I think it's best to keep working. First it provides more opportunity to find someone suitable, second it provides more income to fund your dating & gives you more to talk about, and third it's presents yourself in a better light. Not that there's anything wrong with being early-retired but I think working people can relate to other working people.
Thanks for sharing! This makes a lot of sense. I matched with a woman the other day who was like "Even though I'm independent and self sufficient, I believe it's the man's role to pay for the household bills"....I just don't understand that mentality, but I guess they have no problem finding people who are willing to sign up for that.
