How much for daughter's wedding

[crispus]

I need some advice. My 25 year old daughter, from my first marriage, just got engaged to a 40 year old man with 3 kids. They have lived together for a couple of years. One year ago they bought a home. Now she is planning a moderate wedding ceremony of around 15k. She is including my current wife and I on the planning of the event. So I would imagine she expects a sizable chunk to be paid by us.
Our situation is that we are both 54 and wanted to retire before 60. We are down about 33 percent this year and feel that we will have to work till at least 62 now. We just made our last college payment to my son, which ends 15 years of alimony and child support. I am in sales and my commision is off about 10% from 2007 due to the recession. My spouse works for a global company who is closing their local site in 09. After 35 years of service she will get a pension with a cash value of about 400k or an annuity payment. She also will get 2 years of severance pay. We currently have about 400k in our retirement accounts and 10k in an emergency fund. We have no debt other then our 15 year 4.875 mortgage with 8 years remaining. We live in a very high tax area, suburban Baltimore, MD.
How much would be reasonable to give for the wedding. I will throw in some more info. My daughter makes around 36k and her fiancee makes in excess of 100k. He has child support payments to his first wife of about 600 per month. My wife and I make a combined 120k and save about 30k a year in retirement accounts. I won't tell you what I think we should give my daughter at this point, so I will get unbiased answers.

Thanks

 

[samclem]

Some other questions:
- Is your first wife still living, and what is her relationship with your daughter and her ability/willingness to contribute?
- It's likely this subject has come up previously in your conversations with your daughter--what has she been told to expect?
- What do you believe your daughter expects?
- What does your present wife think would be appropriate?

Observation: This is not a "typical" young newlywed situation. Her fiance has resources, and they have already established a life together. They also have built-in obligations and commitments already. I'm glad she's planning a "moderate" ceremony.

 

[73ss454]

What Sam said. Without knowing all the other things that happened in the family's life I'll just say. 10K

 

[dex]

How about this:
20% Daughter and Husband
20% Bio Mother of Bride
20% Bio Father of Bride
40% Bio Parents of Groom

Tell the daughter you'll contribute $3K max - if you can swing it.

 

[crispus]

Some other questions:
- Is your first wife still living, and what is her relationship with your daughter and her ability/willingness to contribute?
- It's likely this subject has come up previously in your conversations with your daughter--what has she been told to expect?
- What do you believe your daughter expects?
- What does your present wife think would be appropriate?

First wife is alive and well. I can't say the same for her second husband. He died a year ago of lung cancer (diagnosed postmortem). She was left with life insurance of 230k. She has a close relationship with our daughter and loves to spend more then she has. My children are much closer to my ex then I.
My current wife says 5k and I figure 2.5k should be about right.

 

[bbbamI]

2.5k sounds fine to me...of course when I got married 31 years ago; the total cost was around a hundred bucks.

IMO, contributing to a wedding is considered a gift. Any gift no matter what size should be accepted with grace and appreciation.

 

[FinanceDude]

of course when I got married 31 years ago; the total cost was around a hundred bucks.

Was that including the cost of the shotguns??

 

[Rambler]

2.5k sounds fine to me...of course when I got married 31 years ago; the total cost was around a hundred bucks.

IMO, contributing to a wedding is considered a gift. Any gift no matter what size should be accepted with grace and appreciation.

DW and I were married 25 years ago. Our cost was maybe $250 or $300...we paid for it ourselves except for some cold cuts, cheese, and punch my folks made for the the reception, and the cake, graciously made and donated by my uncle.

I think they should pay for their own wedding, given the circumstances. If you decided to donate a couple thousand, they should be extremely grateful that they received anything.

R

 

[ziggy29]

When we were married (1992), my father-in-law said he'd give us a $1000 gift if we'd have a cheap and simple ceremony, which we did. We were married in a park and the reception was at his house.

 

[dex]

I did it in Las Vegas - less than $1000 for wedding and rings.

The divorce less than 10,000.

So a total of 11K in early 80s money so about 33k in today's dollars.

 

[crispus]

Wow! I just talked with my daughter by phone. I told her I did a preliminary estimate of the cost of the wedding, based on the itemised quotes she has received at between 10 and 15k. I told her that we could help her with some of the expense. She told me she needed to know how much because she is going to have to book soon. I said at least $2500. She said "your kidding" and told me that most of her friends weddings cost 30k and I was lucky she was being sensible. I told her we might be able to give more, but I could not give her a figure now. She hung up on me. I know she seems like a spoiled baby, and that I should not feed into this, but I still feel bad.

 

[samclem]

She hung up on me.

That would make my decision pretty easy.

 

[ziggy29]

She said "your kidding" and told me that most of her friends weddings cost 30k and I was lucky she was being sensible.

Maybe it's easy for me to say because she isn't my child, but that display of the "entitlement mentality" alone would make me consider giving even less.

 

[dex]

Sorry to hear that.
Did you find out what the other members of the family - from all sides - are giving?

 

[haha]

This is painful; I am sorry to hear of her response.

Every working couple I know of including my two sons paid for their marriages themselves. Why should you pay? Did you get to choose the husband? Are you sure he will be around 5 years from now?

"No say, no pay" is my motto. And you might as well find out now before you need her that your daughter considers you a bank to be tapped.

Adult children are adults. If they act like adults you want to be around, you are very fortunate. If not, they made the choice.

Ha

 

[grumpy]

Crispus,

As a basis of comparison I offer the following information.

My son (age 34) just got married last month. His wife is from Brazil. Their wedding was held in Brazil at their expense, with a small contribution from her parents, who are not in a strong financial position. We gave them a wedding gift of $10,000. I do not know if they used any of that toward the cost of the wedding.

From our side of the family only my wife, daughter, sister, brother-in-law and I went to the wedding in Brazil. We have decided to make a second wedding here in the US in May so that our family and friends can celebrate with us. This will be totally at our expense. I initially set a budget of $15,000 for this wedding but, as these things usually go, it looks now like it will run closer to $17,500. This will, by no means be a low-end affair. The wedding will be on a Sunday afternoon when costs are significantly lower. It will be held at an elegant ballroom. We expect approx. 110 guests for a cocktail hour following the ceremony,with hot hors d'oeuvres and open bar, followed by a sit down dinner. We have hired a 5 piece band which will also provide a piano player during the cocktail hour.

We could have reduced the costs by opting for a buffet instead of sit down dinner and a DJ instead of a band. But in any case, a perfectly enjoyable wedding can be done for less than $15,000.

I am sorry that things have gotten tense with your daughter over the wedding but I think that she and her future spouse have sufficient resources to plan a wedding on the assumption that they pay the full costs and that they should be grateful for any contribution you care to make.

Grumpy

 

[frayne]

Wow! I just talked with my daughter by phone. I told her I did a preliminary estimate of the cost of the wedding, based on the itemised quotes she has received at between 10 and 15k. I told her that we could help her with some of the expense. She told me she needed to know how much because she is going to have to book soon. I said at least $2500. She said "your kidding" and told me that most of her friends weddings cost 30k and I was lucky she was being sensible. I told her we might be able to give more, but I could not give her a figure now. She hung up on me. I know she seems like a spoiled baby, and that I should not feed into this, but I still feel bad.

Tough nut to crack here and whatever you do (or don't do) will be remembered for a lifetime to come. All that said I would sit down face to face with her and her perspective husband and try to discuss and come to an agreement like reasonable adults, if that doesn't work tell them they have your blessing and they should do whatever they want but X amount is all you can afford. Also ask your daughter to consider what she may be asked to ante up when her step daughters get ready to take the big plunge.

 

[Frugality_of_Apathy]

Maybe it's easy for me to say because she isn't my child, but that display of the "entitlement mentality" alone would make me consider giving even less.

Maybe just make the $2500 a wedding present and not a part of the wedding.

It may be tradition for the father of the bride to pay for the wedding, but it's also tradition to marry someone in your own generation without kids who you aren't already living/sleeping with.

What's the point of getting married when they already live together?

The only thing I can think of is one of them has a bunch of debt they're looking to be rescued from. If that's the case she should have gone for a sugar daddy, not a 40 year old that's having his parents pay for his second, third, or fourth wedding.

 

[Moemg]

When I read your first post I thought $15,000 for a wedding is reasonable and the fact that her husband to be has a good salary they should be paying for most of it . If $2,500 was what I felt comfortable giving that's what I'd stick with . I gave my daughter $10,000 but that was the figure I
felt comfortable with if it had been $2,500 that's what I would give and she could hang up on me forever and I would not budge .

 

[Bestwifeever]

Weddings for that generation have turned into an emotional free for all. Expectations are raised by cable shows. Clearly your daughter, unbeknownst to you, felt like her father would be happy to give her a wedding. Our daughter (not a social butterfly, not into clothes, about your daughter's age) was married two years ago. Last year we were watching something about bridezillas or whatever and I said mockingly, "oh, right, like every little girl dreams of walking down the aisle with the veil and having a storybook wedding," thinking that was so NOT her. She looked at me and said, "I did." She is the last person I would have thought believed in that.

Not excusing your daughter's reaction, but like many other things with our kids (college costs, for example), we didn't communicate ahead of time about them. Fortunately we were on the same page in our case, but unfortunately for you, what you saw as a reasonable offer was spurned--her feelings are hurt, imho. I'm going to bet she thought you would pay for the entire wedding and she's seeing your offer as a sign that daddy doesn't love her.

Maybe you could call her and tell her your wife suggested a $5K contribution (if you want to swing that) only so your daughter doesn't think your wife is stingy.

Personally I think you should pay for whatever amount you feel comfortable with (and "these tough economic times" certainly gives you some ammo for limiting the amount). But I would consider the amount I would offer if she were marrying another 25 year old and they were just starting out, and offer that (take out the 40 year old fiance, the house they've already bought--just isolate the wedding of your daughter in itself).

Good luck.

 

[freebird5825]

easy one - contribute only what you are able to afford.
no matter how you slice it or dice it, love = money is a manipulative ploy.
your daughter should base her wedding costs only on what she and dh2b can afford.
money gifts from relatives are exactly that - gifts.
any questions?

 

[bbbamI]

If she was upset enough to get angry and hang up on you over a matter like this, IMO she is very fortunate as she has lived a sheltered life.

I'm sorry she hurt you. Give it a few days to gather your thoughts before you talk to her again.

 

[Dare]

I think 2,500 is a very generous gift! Hopefully your daughter will come to her senses and realize that as well. I'd just tell her that although you'd love to do more, the market has taken such a toll on your portfolio that you just can't. It's not a snub, it doesn't mean you don't love her, it doesn't mean you're not excited about her wedding - it's just economics and reality.

If there's a way you could donate some time to the wedding, maybe that would be a good additional gift to address any insecurity or misunderstanding on your daughter's part - maybe addressing invitations? offering to keep track of RSVPs? assembling centerpieces? I'd suggest a few ideas that you'd be comfortable with, and let her pick what if anything might be helpful to her (no pressure though). If she's wanting to personally control every aspect of her wedding, she might not want to delegate anything so don't take it personally if she declines. But making the offer still shows your support, and as the wedding gets closer she may decide a little delegation sounds pretty good!

 

[deepc]

Two young kids, just starting out with no encumbrances and complications? Maybe pay for the whole deal.

This situation? A nice wedding present but the party is on their tab. They've got three kids, a house, and an established living arrangement already! It sounds like she wants to have the storybook wedding without the storybook situation.

 

[randyman65]

Or you could give her nothing.

All my audult friends recognized the financial burden a $15-30,000 one day party represents, and did not feel comfortable asking their parents to pay for it.

The entitlement mentality that causes an adult child to throw a tantrum and hang up when her father doesn't offer to pony up $15k for a wedding frankly disturbs me. I would have misgivings about such a person's attitude toward money in general. I'm quite sure that you and your wife worked very hard for the money you've accumulated, and have apparently been generous to your daughter. But the contemptuous attitude reeks in ingratitude and childishness.

FWIW, I and my fiancee will be marrying soon, and her father has offered to pay for the wedding. But I know how much money this retired man has, and neither of us feel comfortable asking him to spend money that he may need himself.