Midlife Crisis?????

[FinanceDude]

How about our women members?

What works for them?

Ha

Micromanaging their spouse/SO?

 

[Sarah in SC]

Ha, I'll posit that it is different for everyone. The unease and slight aimlessness of my DH in his 51st year are less fathomable to me than my own 43 year old unspecified irritation and restlessness. He deals with his one way, and I deal with mine another.

Never more than during midlife do we get to see how our personalities diverge, and how we each answer our own internal questions.

I am a big fan of books, and learning in general, so will likely find that introspection and education are how I settle my own middle age. I suspect DH will settle his with various distractions, projects, and stilling his own internal voice. To each his (or her) own.

 

[jjquantz]

Looks like the ER board once again succeeds in defanging, or even re-defining what is frequently tough and destabilizing for others. I always though mid-life crisis meant affairs, divorce and upheaval.

But apparently it's new cars, motorcycles and pianos.

How about our women members?

What works for them?

Ha

OK, so I feel just a LITTLE embarrassed about being light-hearted. But there are three points I'd like to make in my defense. 1) These were times in my life that I WAS seriously contemplating my place in the world. That's why I ended up changing my place of residence and/or place of employment. 2) For some reason, these times also seemed like the right time to indulge myself. Looking back, it is hard to understand why there would be this connection between making big changes in my life and buying something, but there it is. 3) Self-deprecating humor is a defense mechanism - it is much safer to make fun of some questionable things that I did in the past than to revisit the feelings that were present at the time.

 

[Bestwifeever]

OK, so I feel just a LITTLE embarrassed about being light-hearted. But there are three points I'd like to make in my defense. 1) These were times in my life that I WAS seriously contemplating my place in the world. That's why I ended up changing my place of residence and/or place of employment. 2) For some reason, these times also seemed like the right time to indulge myself. Looking back, it is hard to understand why there would be this connection between making big changes in my life and buying something, but there it is. 3) Self-deprecating humor is a defense mechanism - it is much safer to make fun of some questionable things that I did in the past than to revisit the feelings that were present at the time.

Re #2, I asked earlier if the OP could identify what had made him happy in the past or what he thought might do so now. Indulging oneself is a form of giving oneself permission to be happy and it can be a huge factor in moving forward. Those are beautiful instruments and I imagine they give you much pleasure.

 

[Bestwifeever]

Looks like the ER board once again succeeds in defanging, or even re-defining what is frequently tough and destabilizing for others. I always though mid-life crisis meant affairs, divorce and upheaval.

But apparently it's new cars, motorcycles and pianos.

How about our women members?

What works for them?

Ha

Vodka.

 

[jjquantz]

Re #2, I asked earlier if the OP could identify what had made him happy in the past or what he thought might do so now. Indulging oneself is a form of giving oneself permission to be happy and it can be a huge factor in moving forward. Those are beautiful instruments and I imagine they give you much pleasure.

I've been reflecting this afternoon. I do like your idea of giving oneself permission to be happy. In my case I think that there is also the possibility that music is the area that I really FEEL that I should have been allowed to pursue seriously. Unfortunately, growing up, music was not valued in my working class household so I had no training and no encouragement to pursue it. Having discovered classical music when I went away to college, I have been playing catch up ever since. I've never found a job that makes me happy, but music and DW have always been there for me.

 

[W2R]

Looks like the ER board once again succeeds in defanging, or even re-defining what is frequently tough and destabilizing for others. I always though mid-life crisis meant affairs, divorce and upheaval.

But apparently it's new cars, motorcycles and pianos.

How about our women members?

What works for them?

Ha

Wow. Ha, I don't do affairs and neither do the men I have been involved with in my life. My divorce was simply for survival. Upheaval? That sounds distasteful as all get out.

Actually, I am only 65 so I am sure that I am too young for a midlife crisis. I'll let you know what worked for me in about thirty years if/when I have one.

 

[rodi]

Vodka.

Best answer ever.

When DH was approaching 50 (he was just shy of 48) he did a foolish thing - married me. I was pushing 38. We promptly had 2 kids - so my 40th birthday was spent with an infant on my lap.

My 50th was all about figuring out early retirement. (I'm 52 and closer than ever to pulling the trigger.)

No new cars or affairs, but pretty big life changes.

And yes, vodka was in the picture.

 

[JPearl]

I would suggest moving to another country, another continent, explore the world a bit, and see how people live in other parts of the world... How some people in those "third world countries" are so not rich yet so happy with their daily lives. I am not sure if Iraq is the right place for you, but perhaps a more politically stable place like Europe or Latin America, that both you and your wife can enjoy living there for a year or two? I often find changing location and surrounding enviornment helps, when you are in a downward cycle.

 

[Brian]

Well my blood results came back normal except for being low in potassium. So that was good news. I still plan to up my vitamin intake.

Just to be clear, I don't think I'm depressed. It's more just a lack luster feeling. I think most of this is due to slow work period where I just have too much time on my hands to think about life. Probably the reason I like to be busy when I work. It makes the time go by faster.

Have not really had the urge to get a fast/fun car. The one indulgence I've been considering is sky diving. About 20 years ago I bungee jumped and enjoyed the thrill. Sky diving should be similar with a longer fall time. The only thing holding me back is the thought of strapping myself to someone. The other idea I've toyed with is an ultra light type airplane.

I am looking forward to the weather warming up so I can start walking outside again. This is something I do most days and my wife comes along about every other time.

 

[Moemg]

Vodka.

and for really bad days a chocolate martini !

 

[Derslickmeister]

I didn't have a midlife crisis - it wasn't in the budget.

Ditto. My wife said we couldn't afford it

 

[Marathoner]

I have done a lot of reading of happiness research over the years. I know there are some who will dismiss this as pseudo-science, and I concede that it's difficult to measure, but approximately 50% of happiness is genetic, 10% are things that happen to you, and 40% is how you deal with it.

A year after losing a limb or a year after winning the lottery, people are back at their same base line of happiness.

So before you do anything drastic, I'd recommend working on that 40% that you control.

One other summarized quote from Daniel Gilbert, who is a happiness researcher. He talks about how humans are notoriously bad at knowing what makes us happy. I'll mangle it a bit, but essentially he says that research shows that friends and family make us happy, and all of the other things we think make us happy are ways for us to connect more with family and friends.

Exercise and spending time in nature are also linked with increased happiness. Can you join a group, volunteer, do more things with your wife? Have you clearly communicated your dissatisfaction to her, or are you hinting around and hoping she understands exactly how unhappy you are?

I could put a ton of links in here, but one of my favorites is marcandangel.com

Having just gone through a traumatic divorce, if I were you, I'd think long and hard if that's the road you want to take. It's more emotionally devastating than you can imagine, and I also lost out on quite a bit, financially. And being single again is no picnic (though better than being in a terrible marriage.)

 

[citrine]

My first life crisis was at the age of 35 and my entire life changed....new career/business, husband, 2 stepsons, 3 cats, a house, quit smoking, sold my art, picked up 5 more hobbies...yada yada.
I am coming up on another little mid life crisis...working out and getting ready to run a 5K this year for my 40th. I want to really concentrate on building up our retirement pots, renovate our home, get the boys out of college and settled, and get ready to move out to the Southwest somewhere during this next decade
I think mid life crises is a nudge from your soul to do something that makes your heart happy I cannot imagine doing the same things year after year....what a boring way to live...for me.
Maybe you should take a meditation class or do it on your own...find out what you are missing and see if there are hobbies/etc. to help fill that need. If it is the adrenaline rush that you are missing, that could definitely be a serotonin deficiency and requires seeing a Doctor.

 

[SVHoper]

I think mid life crises is a nudge from your soul to do something that makes your heart happy

What a wonderful way to describe it! Works for me.

BTW A good friend quit their job and is now spending a lot more time with environmental and humane causes... I hadn't thought of their actions as a mid-life crisis but your definition applies to them.

 

[aja8888]

I think mid life crises is a nudge from your soul to do something that makes your heart happy .

I think for me it was waking up one morning and looking around then asking myself "How the hell did I get into this situation?"

 

[NW-Bound]

Do any of you feel you went thru a midlife crisis where you didn’t know what you wanted to do, but you just wanted to do something different?

...
I think mid life crises is a nudge from your soul to do something that makes your heart happy I cannot imagine doing the same things year after year....what a boring way to live...for me...

My midlife crisis when I was 40 caused me to leave a cushy job at a megacorp to found a couple of startups with friends of the same mind. The businesses later floundered despite our hard work. I have scars to show for it. I never went back to a megacorp, but by doing freelancing and contract work still managed to retire early. Whew... It could have been a lot worse.

No, never a desire for a fast car, or a mistress... My crisis then was more about the rest of my life, what else I could do outside of megacorps. After the humbling experience, I am now happy just counting my money with Quicken on a good market day. Yes, it could have been worse.

 

[AnIntentionalRoad]

Many of us have been in this situation with doubts about out marriage. I highly recommend getting in to see a marriage counselor before it is too late to save.

Best decision I ever made in my life and now we are in a very happy place years later.

 

[SJ1_]

+1

+1
was my first thought.
I quit smoking yrs. ago and had a lot of the same symptoms.

 

[Ronstar]

I had a midlife crisis 13 years ago at the age of 45. Just gave the result a spring cleaning.

 

[NW-Bound]

Nice looking car after 13 years. Either you have really pampered it, or used Photoshop.

 

[HFWR]

Nice looking car after 13 years. Either you have really pampered it, or used Photoshop.

Photoshop vac...

 

[Ronstar]

Nice looking car after 13 years. Either you have really pampered it, or used Photoshop.

Thanks - No photoshop. Just got lucky with the sunlight in the photo. Pampered, but not really pampered- it sits in the garage from November to April. But I have taken out a deer with it. Only has 79k miles

Photoshop vac...

yes there was a shopvac involved

 

[aja8888]

I had a midlife crisis 13 years ago at the age of 45. Just gave the result a spring cleaning.

Nice! I always treated my "65 Vette better than most things. I should have never sold it.

I drove back from Oklahoma City today and followed a new 2014 Z06 Vette (pure white) for about 200 miles on I-45. Older fellow was driving it. All I can say is wow.

 

[papadad111]

One of my favorite blog posts from NYT.... great perspective on men, women, marriage and the mid life crises that we face...

By LAURA A. MUNSON
Published: July 31, 2009

Sure, you have your marital issues, but on the whole you feel so self-satisfied about how things have worked out that you would never, in your wildest nightmares, think you would hear these words from your husband one fine summer day: “I don’t love you anymore. I’m not sure I ever did. I’m moving out. The kids will understand. They’ll want me to be happy.”

../..

And I saw what had been missing: pride. He’d lost pride in himself. Maybe that’s what happens when our egos take a hit in midlife and we realize we’re not as young and golden anymore.

My husband had become lost in the myth. But he found his way out. We’ve since had the hard conversations. In fact, he encouraged me to write about our ordeal. To help other couples who arrive at this juncture in life. People who feel scared and stuck. Who believe their temporary feelings are permanent. Who see an easy out, and think they can escape.

My husband tried to strike a deal. Blame me for his pain. Unload his feelings of personal disgrace onto me.
But I ducked. And I waited. And it worked.

Mod edit; Indeed a wonderful post, but copyright rules protect the content (see Gumby's sticky here). The original post is here, behind a paywall that allows a few free views.