Live by the kids? Risky Investment.

[BUM]

So many posters pay careful attention to most aspects of their ER planning, especially "where to live". We focus on everything from the selected area's tax structure to the price of a quart of milk or a gallon of gas.

All that seems to fly out the window when it comes time to put up the For Sale sign. Generally its the DW's out there that get cold feet when it comes to moving away from the kids. Cold feet. Soft heads Warm hearts.

My concern is that "the kids" are usually not kids at all, but adults with growing families of their own. Job changes and possibly their own plans for ER could well have them moving away from you.

We all know that moving near or staying close to the kids for the sake of togetherness can be risky and perhaps financially disastrous. Add in a grandchild or two, and gram and pop aren't moving anywhere.

How many are caught in this tender trap? How many got out?

 

[farmerEd]

Our kids are too small for us to move away from them(its called abandonment when you move away from a 2/5/7/9 year olds ), but my wife and I have already decided that once the kids are out on their own, our plan is to stay in the area (wherever that area is) for MOST of the time, just so we can enjoy still seeing them and especially if there are any grand-kids (long way off). No permanent move off to far away exotic locations, except for what extended traveling we end up doing. We could both see going off for a month or two at a time every year, but not being permanately out of the area.

My parents are in the area, and its really nice for our kids to see their grand parents 1-2 times per month and all the holidays...one my wife's side, we see her parents on average once per year for 2-3 days visit...and that its. Not really grandparents at all; to my way of seeing it (and my wifes), her parents are extremely selfish...they like to talk about the importance of family etc, but when it comes down to it once the kids (my wife and her siblings) moved out of the house, they wanted very little to do with any of them, especially after the novetly of the first grandkids wore off; now they spend 7-8 months out of the country travelling, and though they can do 24 hour long days of travel to thailand and other far away places, they just can't seem to make the 2 hour drive to see their grandkids more than once a year. Very selfish way of living is you ask me. There is certainly time to do both.

SO having two different models to pick from, we will choose the lifestyle that keeps us involved in our kids and grandkids life and geographically close enough to make it possible and convenient.

 

[SteveR]

Count me as stuck near the "kids." Mine are 21 and 27; not married and still in school. Hers are 30 and 33; married with kids. Ergo, we are here for the duration. We will be downsizing in a few years and who know where the kids will be by then. Some may stay here and some may move away. Our other families are on opposite sides of the country so we won't be moving to be near them.

 

[REWahoo]

We all know that moving near or staying close to the kids for the sake of togetherness can be risky and perhaps financially disastrous. Add in a grandchild or two, and gram and pop aren't moving anywhere.

How many are caught in this tender trap? How many got out?

Interesting perspective. I never really considered retiring near the kids/grandkids a "trap", tender or otherwise.

In our particular situation, we have two daughters both married with children. One stayed in the area where we worked and chose to retire, the other is 5 hours away. We are, in my opinion, located too close to one and too far from the other. We are also 2 1/2 hours away from my 85 year old FIL, who lives alone and is still fiercely independent. DW is the only one of his children living anywhere close to him, so that also ties us to this area.

Of course you never know until it happens, but I think it unlikely we would move to stay close to the kids/grandkids, regardless of where their careers took them. I say this knowing full well that it isn't likely that the daughter living here would move (she is the primary breadwinner and is in a career field with good long-term opportunity in the local area).

But as I stated, you never know what the future holds. If they moved and grandma/DW was unhappy,...

 

[Outtahere]

Dh and I have taked about this numerous times , we both agree that we would not want to be far from his family or mine. His kids are all very close and he's become close to my family. I can't see us moving and infact are planning retirement around that fact.

 

[youbet]

DW and I consider everyday we are able to continue living with sibblings, kids and grandkids nearby a real blessing. We know we may not be able to afford to stay here (major urban area) forever, but we have it in our plan for now and so far, so good. Staying out of the painful trap of being forced to move to a lower cost of living area far from friends and family was the major reason I worked a couple extra years. For me, it's been worth it! For others, that's strictly up to you.

youbet

 

[grumpy]

Right now our 28 year old daughter is on a national tour with the show "Oklahoma". She does wigs and makeup. They will be in 90 cities by May of next year. Her career in the theater will probably mean frequent moves so there's no chance we will relocate to be near her. Our 31 year old son lives in N.C. with his girlfriend so no grandkids in the immediate future. He is a software engineer which gives him easy job mobility if he wants it. Again, unlikely that we would move to be near him. On the other hand, if either of the kids chose to move to be near us, we would be all for it.

Grumpy

 

[TromboneAl]

It won't be an issue for us. Our daughter does not plan to move back to this tiny town.

But my wife often complains that her friends are tied down, and often unavailable due to grandparent duties. "Sorry, I can't go out with you because I have to babysit."

 

[JPatrick]

Not unlike others on the board, we made a list of prospective retirement spots.  Places we would like without regard to the kids.  From that list we put them in a couple of categories -
1. Places they would never live.
2. Places they would rarely ever visit.
3. Places they could work if they wanted. (easy as both are medical types and can work anywhere)
4. Places that are good for the grandkids.
5. Places that would appeal to their interests.
Well you get the idea- - So we came up with a couple of locations that should work.  We are going to move there first and attract them second.  If it doesn't work out, no problem, we'll still be where we want to be and that is what it's all about.

 

[moretolife]

For us, the issue is more parents. My FIL will be 80 next spring and cannot travel. We live closer to him than siblings, so we are the ones to call in an emergency. Two of our children live in the community and 1 lives 4 hours away. I think I would miss holidays and summers at the lake if we couldn't all get together. Plus, we like our community (cost and amenities). Add in a fair amount of travel and we will be happy.

 

[Martha]

My inlaws moved to Florida years ago, away from their kids. It sure would have been easier if we would have been closer when their health began to fail. Very hard to deal with long distance.

 

[Howard]

7 years ago my Oldest Son Graduated from University and a 1 year Teaching Job in China has stretched into 7 and he shows no indication of moving back.

My youngest is making sounds of moving to LA, right now he is in Toronto.

We built a very nice Bungalow in a recreational area, put in Bedrooms and bathrooms for them to visit and for future Grand kids.

We have learned that you cannot plan around your kids, Lord knows where they will move,a nd wives become Ex- Wives and Grand kids get relocated.

 

[kz]

We've been in the same area/house for 26 yrs. Our oldest son (currently in Iraq) has a home and wife 5 miles from us. We'll probably always be somewhat close to him. We will be the only grandparents for his children since his wife's mother is deceased and she is estranged from her father.
Youngest son is 2.5 hrs away and I'm sure his job will take him all over the country. (business consultant)
Somewhere down the road, though, we'll probably move somewhere a little warmer for 2 or 3 months of the year. We'd like to check out different areas of the country each time. (no permanent 2nd home)
I don't expect our parents (3 still living) to be around that much longer. They are 86, 86, and 83 at this time.

 

[Mr._johngalt]

7 years ago my Oldest Son Graduated from University and a 1 year Teaching Job in China has stretched into 7 and he shows no indication of moving back.

My youngest is making sounds of moving to LA, right now he is in Toronto.

We built a very nice Bungalow in a recreational area, put in Bedrooms and bathrooms for them to visit and for future Grand kids.

We have learned that you cannot plan around your kids, Lord knows where they will move,a nd wives become Ex- Wives and Grand kids get relocated.

So true! Do not, I repeat do not plan around your kids. Most will live to
regret it.

JG

 

[astromeria]

My kids live in Massachusetts and DC. The MA kid is single and loves mountains...maybe he'll relocate to New Hampshire or Colorado someday. The DC kid spends a lot of time in Africa for her work. Her fiance is working at his post-Doc job and will eventually be who-knows-where, presumably as an Asst Professor starting his own lab...could be anywhere. Not much point in trying to chase them around the world! No grandkids yet, and I don't know if there ever will be.

 

[dwk]

My wife and I are young grandparents -- were both 51 and have 4 grandkids; 7,4,2,1 -- all from one son and his wife. Both my wife and I grew up within 4 streets of one and another -- we were high school sweetharts. My son married his high school sweetheart and is a police officer with the county. DIL is a teacher, planing on going back to work after the youngest starts pre-school. My daughter-in-laws parents live in the neighborhood -- I guess we're small town USA, we live ina nothern suburb of Baltimore.(farming and horse country and are 15 minutes to the upper bay)

For a number of reasons, out children did not have grandparents that took an active role in their lives growing up and my wife and I are sensitive to this. Anyway, I think grandparents add a tremendous value to a child's life -- through life experiences, you can be their friend as well as an authority figure. Grandkids are a blessing -- it makes all of the crap you go through raising your children worthwhile. So I don't see us leaving my son and his family anytime soon. We realize they have their own life and agenda, but they know we are in the background if they need help.

Having said that, my wife and I have purchased a 2nd home in Florida with the intent on being snowbirds. The option is to downsize to a smaller home in the area or think about living aboard a sailboat that we would spend on the Chesapeake in the summer and dock at the local harbor -- spend some time on the boat and some time living with the kids. While we want to be a part of our Son's. his DW and the grands kids life -- there are other interest that will keeps us busy. Besides, there's no one better that Pop-Pop to teach the little ones to sail, fish and crab.

My parents and in-laws are still in the area, we already assist them -- short term, this is our major concern -- help mom and dad with their medical care. Our youngest son was killed in a car accident last year -- I'm not sure we could have managed without being close to family and friends -- especially the little ones -- they are precious.

dwk

 

[Howard]

dwk, my condolences.

 

[Mr._johngalt]

My wife and I are young grandparents -- were both 51 and have 4 grandkids; 7,4,2,1 -- all from one son and his wife.  Both my wife and I grew up within 4 streets of one and another -- we were high school sweetharts.  My son married his high school sweetheart and is a police officer with the county. DIL is a teacher, planing on going back to work after the youngest starts pre-school.  My daughter-in-laws parents live in the neighborhood -- I guess we're small town USA, we live ina nothern suburb of Baltimore.(farming and horse country and are 15 minutes to the upper bay)

For a number of reasons, out children did not have grandparents that took an active role in their lives growing up and my wife and I are sensitive to this.  Anyway, I think grandparents add a tremendous value to a child's life -- through life experiences, you can be their friend as well as an authority figure.  Grandkids are a blessing -- it makes all of the crap you go through raising your children worthwhile.  So I don't see us  leaving my son and his family anytime soon.  We realize they have their own life and agenda, but they know we are in the background if they need help.

Having said that, my wife and I have purchased a 2nd home in Florida with the intent on being snowbirds.  The option is to downsize to a smaller home in the area or think about living aboard a sailboat that we would spend on  the Chesapeake in the summer and dock at the local harbor -- spend some time on the boat and some time living with the kids.  While we want to be a part of our Son's. his DW and the grands kids life -- there are other interest that will keeps us busy.  Besides, there's no one better that Pop-Pop to teach the little ones to sail, fish and crab.

My parents and in-laws are still in the area, we already assist them --  short term, this is our major concern -- help mom and dad with their medical care.  Our youngest son was killed in a car accident last year --  I'm not sure we could have managed without being close to family and friends -- especially the little ones -- they are precious.

dwk

Sorry about your son. Death of a child has got to be one of life's cruelest cuts.

Our story is quite similar, except that I am a bit older. We have four (4)
grandchildren, just about the same ages as yours (and one more coming in
the spring). This is my oldest daughter who is married to a preacher.
Guess he took that "be fruitful and multiply" thing seriously

We stay here now mainly to be near my parents, 88 and 86. Kids (3)
are pretty well spread all around and I don't expect this to change.

Re. grandparents, growing up I probably was closer to my maternal Grandfather
than my Dad, or at least he helped create the best memories of my
childhood. No one else was even close. He has been dead for
37 years as of Nov. 11, 2005. I still miss him a lot.

JG

 

[rmark]

I am the kid - I'm 44 and my 83 year old father in law lives 82 feet away from me.
We put our used mobile home on 2.5 acres (all paid off this month, wohoo) and he bought a new mobile home after selling all is other propertyand moved in next to us a month later, 6 years ago. All my wifes immediate family live within 2 hours of us, so its easy for them to visit him. With all the college events + his girlfriend (shes only 80 and cooks a mean cherry pie) + good health, he wishes he had moved several years earlier.

 

[Honkie]

Mostly off - topic, but as we are talking about proximity to parents - how many people live in families with Great Grand Children/Parents.

I clearly recall a childhood and adolescence with 3 Great Grandparents (Mums Mums Mum, Dads Mums Mum and Dads Dads Mum). I was 17 and 19 when the last two Great Grandmothers passed. My daughter currently has both sets of Grandparents and a set of Paternal Great Grandparents. How common is this??

Cheers,

Honkie

 

[Howard]

My Dad is 86 lives with his girlfriend, 6 months here, 6 months in Florida, would live in Florida year round but as he is Canadian, not possible.

He has almost 40 Grand Children and Great Grand Children, some he has never seen, spread out all across the country.

Unfortunatly, his Funeral is probably the only time some of them will see him.

He is very Independant.

 

[SteveR]

Mostly off - topic, but as we are talking about proximity to parents - how many people live in families with Great Grand Children/Parents.

...How common is this??

Cheers,

Honkie

My only surviving parent is my mother, age 83 and she lives in Assisted Living in TN. We never lived with any of our grandparents or even near them. I moved my family away from both sets of parents 3 months after the birth of the first grandchild on either side. That made me quite popular with both families. We never lived closer than 800 miles from our parents.

My current wife and I live 500 miles from her parents and sisters while I am 1800 miles from my mother and brother. Only our respective kids live near us; for now.

There were many times I wish we had lived closer, but with all the moves I made during my previous working life, to places the company had manufacturing plants, it did not give me much of an option to live close by.

 

[Nords]

When we were growing up we couldn't wait to get away from our parents. The closest I've been to my family since high school is one time zone, and it's usually been three or four with perhaps an ocean or a continent thrown in. Our last Nords family reunion was my grandfather's funeral nearly four years ago.

Spouse's brother stayed near her parents and has been helping out for the last couple decades. But my spouse's parents used to visit us regularly in Hawaii & San Diego for a month in February to get away from their DC area winters. When we (foolishly) publicly declared our intent to stay in Hawaii for the rest of our lives, they decided to move here and watch their grandkid grow up.

I've never experienced it and I don't understand it, but an amazing transformation comes over my parents-in-law when they encounter our hormonally-challenged surly hair-trigger teenager their darling granddaughter. Maybe it's because she's the only one or because she stays on her best behavior around them (unlike with her own parents). When she was younger they never swooped down and whisked her away to give us some quality grownups time, but lately they've been taking care of her for a week or two while we're on Bangkok trips. So they know who they're dealing with and they understand our parental bitching concern. But they still wax blissfully about what a great grandkid they have! Intellectually I agree with them but it'll take a few years to get past the emotional scars of parenting. Or maybe you never get over them.

It'll be interesting to see what happens with the parents-in-law when our kid flees the nest in 2010. Spouse's parents will be pushing 75 by that point and they were extremely stressed out by their last relocation, so I don't know whether they'd feel up to another move. There are a lot of places to grow old that are worse than Hawaii, though, and they don't seem to miss winter or their old stomping grounds one bit. They may be quite content to spend the rest of their lives here tormenting their daughter enjoying the islands. The week after her parents moved here, my spouse got a one-liner from her brother: "I stand relieved."

It'll be interesting to see where our kid settles. She still has her heart set on 20 acres in Wyoming with a veterinary practice and a home full of pets. (Of course she's never experienced any of that!) Most Hawaii kids can't afford to live here in their 20s or they perceive far more opportunities on the Mainland, but they're the same ones who try to return here in their 30s when their own kids are growing up. Wherever she settles, I'm thinking it should be at least a time zone away with perhaps an ocean or a continent thrown in. But maybe my perspective will change when she moves out!

 

[SteveR]

I've never experienced it and I don't understand it, but an amazing transformation comes over my parents-in-law when they encounter our hormonally-challenged surly hair-trigger teenager their darling granddaughter. 

... Intellectually I agree with them but it'll take a few years to get past the emotional scars of parenting.  Or maybe you never get over them.

Being a parent is the price you pay for being someone else's kid.

Once you become a grandparent...your perspective on children changes rather dramatically. The major difference is that you are no longer responsible for them. You can play with them and be a buddy to them without worrying about being the evil parent. When you get sick of them....you send them home to mom and dad.

It'll be interesting to see what happens with the parents-in-law when our kid flees the nest in 2010.  Spouse's parents will be pushing 75 by that point and they were extremely stressed out by their last relocation, so I don't know whether they'd feel up to another move. 

They will most likely want to stay put by then. I don't see many grandparents moving around the world trying to follow their grandkids. I would not want to live closer than two hours from parents. The older they get the more testy they can become and guess who they will want to "share" this with?

It'll be interesting to see where our kid settles.  She still has her heart set on 20 acres in Wyoming with a veterinary practice and a home full of pets.  (Of course she's never experienced any of that!) 

She better like winter and wide open spaces if she want to live in Wyoming. 20 acres would be a garden plot there. It has the lowest population density of any other state and can really make one feel isolated.

But maybe my perspective will change when she moves out!

You can bet the farm on that one. Especially once she starts creating grandkids for you.

 

[Jay_Gatsby]

The week after her parents moved here, my spouse got a one-liner from her brother:  "I stand relieved."

Talk about a change of command ceremony. I guess the Navy band playing "Anchors Aweigh" would have been overkill.

P.S. For those of you curious about Anchors Aweigh, here's a link to the Navy page with a bit of history.
http://www.navy.mil/palib/traditions/music/anchor1.html