Challenges of RE middle-aged and living alone

[Austin704]

I’m 53 and planning to leave my job this summer after 23 years. As I’ve gotten closer to my target exit date, I am becoming more keenly aware of how I spend my time on the weekends and the occasional holiday. I have interests outside of work, such as photography and guitar playing, and I’m on the HOA board for my condo, but I tend to spend a lot of time just hanging out at home by myself or hiking local trails. My girlfriend and I get together as often as possible but we don’t live together. We like to travel and figure we’ll do more once I’m no longer employed. But that can only fill so much time. She and all of my friends work full time so during the week I’ll be alone, just doing my thing (whatever that looks like).

Lately I find myself wondering whether I’m going to have too much time on my hands and get bored and lonely. Ordinarily, I never feel that I have enough time to do all the things I really want to do. I long for time off to get momentum on personal interests. I’ve read books on purposeful retirement, and living happy, wild and free, and that all seems plausible... volunteer, work an encore career, so on. But I’m kind of lazy when left to my own devices. I piddle around as my interests dictate, so I’m not sure how realistic it is to think I’m going to do something purposeful every day. And making new friends has never been my strong suit.

I recognize the need to establish some sort of routine. I plan to get up around 8, read, drink coffee, then get to the gym around 10:00. After that, eat lunch and (of course) take a nap early afternoon. Probably devote an hour to guitar practice. But then I run out of ideas—and since I live in a congested downtown area I’m constrained by rush hour traffic, so nothing doing between 4 and 7 pm unless I’m just looking for frustration.

My girlfriend has kindly given me a list of things I can do over at her place and I’m happy to do them, but again—only so much time can be spent there.

I guess my questions for you ER singletons out there are these—do you find yourself content doing the things you always wanted to do? Or do you find yourself practically working full time looking for ways to stay busy? How do you combat loneliness when all your friends are working?

Thanks!

 

[RunningBum]

I'm happy to take things slow, though I probably spend too much time online. I have a couple hobbies that I can always spend a spare hour on. I also like to have a book or two going. Catch up on a movie. Sometimes I'll take an online course thru Coursera, though I haven't had good luck on interesting courses lately. I've got chores and projects around the house I can do if I have a need to fill time. Yeah, sometimes it gets boring but work had pretty much lost all meaning to me so at least I'm doing what I want to rather than what I have to.

 

[CyclingInvestor]

12 years retired, 60 years old. Never been bored or lonely in my life, certainly not since retiring. There are always trails to walk or ride, vacations to take or plan, dogs to play with, things to learn. I do not even really understand the concept of boredom or loneliness - how can anyone not enjoy doing whatever they want whenever they want ?

 

[Teacher Terry]

I am married and still get bored sometimes which is why I continue to do some part time work. It would be worse without my husband. Most of my friends are younger and still working.

 

[truenorth418]

I was very happy to retire at age 47 but as a natural introvert I knew I would have to make special effort to avoid loneliness and isolation. Of course, none of my friends were retired so I had to get used to being on my own for long stretches especially during the weekdays.



That said, I soon found a routine that I enjoyed. Sleep in, leisurely breakfast, gym, personal projects at my own pace, lots of online time, etc.



I also began traveling a lot and now I travel full-time. I never get lonely when I travel because there is always something new and interesting to keep me occupied. Cruises are a great way to meet new people as are tours.



I've met tons of interesting people since I've been retired that I never would have me had I been working. Plus I've been able to visit old friends I haven't seen for a while because they lived in different places.



I still get lonely or bored every once in a while - but never as lonely or bored as I was in corporate life, enduring endless meetings and conference calls with people I didn't particularly care for.

 

[Col. Klink]

I share a lot of the same comments as the others who have posted so far. Get up in the morning, check news feed and websites including ER.org, coffee, morning news, tidy up house, go to gym, play a computer game. I thought I might like to start playing golf or pickleball, but I discovered that doing so is competing with another person on some level, and that reminds me of w*rk. So, I will take a hike or bike when the weather is appropriate or hang out at the pool with a good book. Lately I have been drawn to science fiction. I find that I can let two hours slip away easily with a good book.

 

[Dtail]

12 years retired, 60 years old. Never been bored or lonely in my life, certainly not since retiring. There are always trails to walk or ride, vacations to take or plan, dogs to play with, things to learn. I do not even really understand the concept of boredom or loneliness - how can anyone not enjoy doing whatever they want whenever they want ?

+1
Live with the DGF, so not the same exact situation.
However, I can't say I am ever bored, even when doing nothing.

 

[joeea]

I’m 53 and planning to leave my job this summer after 23 years.

Why?

The rest of your question talks almost exclusively about negative aspects of your retirement. Nothing comes across as why you want to be retired and what you are excited about doing.

So why are you retiring now?

 

[NH Hiker]

Check out some meetup groups in areas you like.

 

[Aerides]

I long for time off to get momentum on personal interests. I’ve read books on purposeful retirement, and living happy, wild and free, and that all seems plausible... volunteer, work an encore career, so on. But I’m kind of lazy when left to my own devices. I piddle around as my interests dictate, so I’m not sure how realistic it is to think I’m going to do something purposeful every day. And making new friends has never been my strong suit.

As the kids say... It me (purposeful to whom? no one is keeping score or judging, remember)

And there's nothing wrong with that!

I recognize the need to establish some sort of routine. I plan to get up around 8, read, drink coffee, then get to the gym around 10:00. After that, eat lunch and (of course) take a nap early afternoon. Probably devote an hour to guitar practice. But then I run out of ideas—and since I live in a congested downtown area I’m constrained by rush hour traffic, so nothing doing between 4 and 7 pm unless I’m just looking for frustration.
Thanks!

Time is a vacuum that tends to fill easily. I don't feel compelled to have a routine (other than perhaps your mornings, and no nap needed yet).

Give yourself permission to ease into things without too much structure at least for the first 6 months. 2 hours from waking to leaving the house seems like a luxury before RE, but a year after? Ooh that feels rushed!

I know the big saying is know what you're retiring "to" - but it sounds like you have enough in that area, and you're looking to fill a 10 hour day... but RE doesn't work that way. If you're normally content with your own company, it's a non issue. If you're someone who craves other people and isn't ok being solo for hours (or days) at a time, then you'll find other things that work for you.

 

[iloveyoga]

I will add, it takes me a lot longer to do stuff, and I have found it very enjoyable to slow down. I rushed around for so many years that I got used to it. It took awhile to settle in to my slower routine, but I love it. I too also work about 10 hours a week.

 

[Austin704]

Why?



The rest of your question talks almost exclusively about negative aspects of your retirement. Nothing comes across as why you want to be retired and what you are excited about doing.



So why are you retiring now?

Fair question. I no longer have much interest in the work I do, I hate the commute and endless meetings, and I have the financial independence to leave and do whatever I want so it seems logical to retire. Actually, I’ve stopped calling what I’m doing “retiring.” I’ve been thinking of it more as opening a new chapter in my life, exploring new opportunities. And I am excited about the prospect of having loads of unstructured time to do as I please. I believe I have enough native curiosity and creativity to stay reasonably busy.

One long weekend about a month ago my GF was away and I had absolutely no plans. Even though I filled the time, there was a nagging sense that an endless string of days alone might be harder to navigate than I thought. So, I began to wonder whether this feeling is typical and thought I’d ask people who have been there, done that. I don’t have kids either and while that has its advantages I’m missing an immediate family network that many people have to keep them occupied. I will have to work at it. But maybe that’s the whole point?

 

[DayDreaming]

I'm single, been retired 10 years, definitely not bored or lonely.
I find that I'm always busy with something and time flies by so quickly that I wonder where the day went. As I write this, I find it hard to believe that I've been retired 10 years already, that really flew by too!


Honestly, I think there have only been a few days when I really felt bored and looking for some social interaction - like when being trapped in the house during a long stretch of stormy weather.


I have no real routine, other than coffee, breakfast, coffee, surf the internet, then do whatever the heck I want to that day.

 

[BeachOrCity]

I thought about this a lot before I retired, then I had a thought......

I am responsible for my own life, activities, entertainment etc. Why on earth should I or anyone depend on a corporation to provide activities to fill my day unless those activities are what I WANT to be doing?

So I decided to take responsibility for my life and retire. Great decision

 

[footenote]

Volunteer work does the trick for me. I cashier weekly for our local Habitat ReStore and am adding a weekly front desk gig at a reproductive health clinic for the uninsured/underserved.

There is a lot of rural poverty in my LCOL community and these organizations improve housing access and health. The duties are easy and it's great being in the community.

 

[joeea]

Fair question. I no longer have much interest in the work I do, I hate the commute and endless meetings, and I have the financial independence to leave and do whatever I want so it seems logical to retire.

There are alternatives.

Since you are financially independent, have you considered work that would be more interesting, with less of a commute and fewer meetings? Perhaps even part-time?

Without the burden of earning a high salary, that opens up lots of possibilities for jobs that may be more interesting. Perhaps even volunteer work.

 

[cooch96]

I worry that I’ll fade out and lack the gumption to do things. DF is just 66 but he only leaves his apartment now to go to the grocery store. He could do things, he’s just not interested. DM spent most of her 40s and 50s wracked with endless migraines (she’s better now, but still very sensitive to foods, light, and noise). I started to become very sensitive to noise and light at about 36.

I think I’ll be better once I semi-FIRE, the stress drops, and I can join a a couple clubs and/or resume old hobbies. But I totally get your concern, OP.

 

[Austin704]

There are alternatives.



Since you are financially independent, have you considered work that would be more interesting, with less of a commute and fewer meetings? Perhaps even part-time?



Without the burden of earning a high salary, that opens up lots of possibilities for jobs that may be more interesting. Perhaps even volunteer work.

Yes, I have. And I’m hoping that given sufficient time to explore my interests that I’ll find something that I want to spend time doing even if it doesn’t pay anything. That makes me excited...

 

[scrabbler1]

I’m 53 and planning to leave my job this summer after 23 years. As I’ve gotten closer to my target exit date, I am becoming more keenly aware of how I spend my time on the weekends and the occasional holiday. I have interests outside of work, such as photography and guitar playing, and I’m on the HOA board for my condo, but I tend to spend a lot of time just hanging out at home by myself or hiking local trails. My girlfriend and I get together as often as possible but we don’t live together. We like to travel and figure we’ll do more once I’m no longer employed. But that can only fill so much time. She and all of my friends work full time so during the week I’ll be alone, just doing my thing (whatever that looks like).

Lately I find myself wondering whether I’m going to have too much time on my hands and get bored and lonely. Ordinarily, I never feel that I have enough time to do all the things I really want to do. I long for time off to get momentum on personal interests. I’ve read books on purposeful retirement, and living happy, wild and free, and that all seems plausible... volunteer, work an encore career, so on. But I’m kind of lazy when left to my own devices. I piddle around as my interests dictate, so I’m not sure how realistic it is to think I’m going to do something purposeful every day. And making new friends has never been my strong suit.

I recognize the need to establish some sort of routine. I plan to get up around 8, read, drink coffee, then get to the gym around 10:00. After that, eat lunch and (of course) take a nap early afternoon. Probably devote an hour to guitar practice. But then I run out of ideas—and since I live in a congested downtown area I’m constrained by rush hour traffic, so nothing doing between 4 and 7 pm unless I’m just looking for frustration.

My girlfriend has kindly given me a list of things I can do over at her place and I’m happy to do them, but again—only so much time can be spent there.

I guess my questions for you ER singletons out there are these—do you find yourself content doing the things you always wanted to do? Or do you find yourself practically working full time looking for ways to stay busy? How do you combat loneliness when all your friends are working?

Thanks!

I have been retired for just over 10 years. retiring at 45 in late 2008. I worked for 23 years, 16 full-time followed by 7 years part-time. I hated the commute, which is why I twice reduced my weekly hours worked in order to reduce the long, awful commute.

Some things in my life are similar to yours. My lady friend for the last 15 years lives very close by (walking distance) and I spend a lot of time with her. (She works full-time.)

I am still basically a loner. I have a few hobbies and do some volunteer work. One of my activities, advanced level square dancing, took a big hit last year when the caller, an 85-year-old man, passed away, leaving no desirable alternative to this declining activity.

Just not having to get up early, even a few days a week, and do that awful commute, is a big plus. While many early retirees dote on how happy they are to be able to do certain things they couldn't do before, I get much joy by simply NOT having to do BAD things I hated doing. If this means getting some joy out of seeing a transit report on TV or something bad about the Long Island Rail Road, then so be it!

I am living the life I led for about 7 weeks after my last college final exam and before I began working full-time, except that this time I have lots of MONEY to enable me to live those 7 weeks infinitely!

 

[steelyman]

And I’m hoping that given sufficient time to explore my interests that I’ll find something that I want to spend time doing even if it doesn’t pay anything. That makes me excited...

That sounds like a positive viewpoint. Moving from the working world to retirement is a big change and there will be uncertainties no matter how many books/websites you read, spreadsheets you construct and so on.

It’s reasonable to give yourself time to settle into it and let it evolve into what’s comfortable for you. No deadlines, no guilt. You can think of it like the old Levi jeans “shrink-to-fit” model (or “grow-to-fit” if you like).

 

[Which Roger]

Don't force yourself to keep busy and have a schedule from the get-go, driven by fear of being bored or lonely. Give yourself some unstructured time to try different things and do nothing at times to see how busy you really want to be and how much socialization you need. If you find out that you are indeed bored and lonely, you can find activities and friends. If you're not bored or lonely, you've found what you want.


A lot of the retirement literature seems to be written by extroverts, for extroverts, with the assumption that one will go crazy without a schedule and constant socialization. But that's not me, and it's not many of the people on this forum. You sound like you tend toward being introverted, and from my experience, that makes the retirement journey a lot easier to navigate.

 

[Paracelsus]

I've been retired the past two years and am a single introvert also. I did arrange a part-time job working as a secretary (previous job was high stress product developer for industry) two days a week. I now also volunteer 1-2 days a week (2 in spring and summer, 1 year round) at a wildlife rehab center. I also work out at a gym three times a week. Not much set, but enough to keep me accounted for and I spend the rest of my time on house and garden projects and walking my dog exploring park trails in my county. Frankly, I love it. I don't miss the stress at all and enjoy the relaxed time - alarm is only used one morning a week.

 

[Chuckanut]

Every time I get the urge to 'keep busy' with some sort of activity or job, I take a nap and it goes away. Sometimes, while napping, I dream that I went back to work, grinding through the day with all the pressure and nonsense of the job, and wondering why I did it. Then I wake up, give thanks, and move on.

I do find that giving myself useful things to do acutally makes time go slower. I hate the idea of 'killing time'.

 

[SumDay]

I'll admit I had a few "lost" days after I retired, but it quickly passed. I am married, but we don't do everything together, not by a long shot.

A few suggestions for things to fill your time:

1. Get a puppy. That is a full time job. And no one will ever love you as much as that dog does.
2. Volunteer at a local animal shelter.
3. Figure out what you're passionate about and find a cause that could use your new found energy.
4. Read "How to Retire Wild, Happy and Free". It's very motivational.

DH has a single friend who is working past retirement age, just because he hates weekends and doesn't want to add five more days to his week that he doesn't like. It makes me sad. You'll figure this out, and you'll love being retired. If you managed to give your all to your career, you can figure out how to do the same for your next phase. Good luck, and keep us posted!

 

[Sojourner]

Lately I find myself wondering whether I’m going to have too much time on my hands and get bored and lonely. Ordinarily, I never feel that I have enough time to do all the things I really want to do. I long for time off to get momentum on personal interests. I’ve read books on purposeful retirement, and living happy, wild and free, and that all seems plausible... volunteer, work an encore career, so on. But I’m kind of lazy when left to my own devices. I piddle around as my interests dictate, so I’m not sure how realistic it is to think I’m going to do something purposeful every day. And making new friends has never been my strong suit.

I could have written these exact words about 3 years ago, which at age 48 was about 2 years into my semi-ER. Us younger, single, child-free ER types sometimes have a more difficult transition when it comes to navigating a path to "fulfillment" in the days/months/years after leaving the corporate world. Our journey is often a very lonely one, with all our friends (and usually our wife/girlfriend or husband/boyfriend) still working full-time, leaving us to our own devices to fill our days with interesting, meaningful activities. It can be a real challenge.

I, too, read some of the "happy, wild, and free" books to get ideas for how to spend my time, but none of that advice proved particularly useful to me. I found that, ultimately, I was more content simply puttering around at home most days, working on small projects like scanning and digitizing old photos and home movies or researching and planning various landscaping upgrades or home improvements, etc. I also started spending more time interacting online with people like me, here at E-R.org and other forums. And I started going to various meetups (via Meetup.com), which led to making some new friends and many new acquaintances with whom I routinely socialize to this day.

It's an ever evolving journey, one that, in my experience, will have lots of ups and downs. There are still many days when I feel bored or unfulfilled in some way, but I know that's simply due to my somewhat complacent, somewhat lazy nature and that I wouldn't be any happier sitting in an office cubicle working on some boring, meaningless corporate project. On days like those, I usually get up and go for a walk or otherwise get myself moving in some way, like doing a long-delayed chore around the house. It's been shown again and again in studies that exercise is one of the very best ways to improve your mood and make you "happier", so one of my strongest recommendations for a happy ER is to focus on things that get you up and moving (e.g., hiking, biking, walking/running, gardening, playing tennis/golf) along with things that are mentally and intellectually stimulating. Personally, I need regular doses of both kinds of exercise—physical and mental—to stay happy. Along with, of course, social interaction with my DGF, friends, and family.

One other thought comes to mind: Do you have a pet? If not, you may want to consider getting one. I sometimes dog-sit for a few friends who travel frequently, and I've found that caring for and spending time with those dogs can be very fulfilling. It checks many of the boxes I've already mentioned (physical exercise, mental stimulation, companionship), so if you find yourself struggling with ER at some point—especially with the "8am-5pm loneliness" aspect—this might be a perfect solution for you.

Good luck!