How do you deal with the down side of life?

[redduck]

Hi, Brewer. Sorry to hear that you've been feeling down. You've been such a great help to so many members of this board (including me), I guess a lot of us want to try to return the favor (including me).

Anyhow, you're probably not going to be overly thrilled with any suggestions, because depression makes everything seem uninteresting, too difficult, whatever.

So, given that I would suggest:

Try saying "yes" more than you say "no" to activities, especially family activities. Keep things simple: play catch with a family member, play board games.

Depressions tend to lift after awhile. A lot of us know that from our own experiences.

Exercise is supposed to help combat depression, but I have a feeling that it only combats depression when a person is not depressed.

And, watch the alcohol intake as alcohol is a depressant.

And, if you are not feeling better in whatever time frame you feel you should be feeling better, you might try some short-term counseling and/or see an MD for a medication evaluation. The meds will probably not cause you to feel happy, but they might lift some of the heaviness, and therefore give you the opportunity to function at a higher level--which in turn usually causes a person's spirits to lift.

 

[Westernskies]

Brewer,
We've had our differences here on the forum, but I'm genuinely sorry to hear you're going through a rough patch. Try to keep focused on the days ahead, not the days behind; I've found the best way to do that is to make plans- (bigger plans for bigger problems)- and then focus on the steps required to see them to fruition. It will help take your mind off what ails you and give you an incremental sense of accomplishment as you move forward. Plans can be mental, physical, spiritual, whatever you think you need to do to refocus your energy and attention.It could be coaching a kids sports team, learning a new skill like mastering hand-cut dovetail joints, other might find solace in religion, yoga, continuing education, or a cooking class. I'd stay away from that whole "my body is a canvas" tattoo thingy, though.... but maybe that's just me...
Lots of good advice here from your many friends on the forum, hope things work out for you. Hang in there, and please keep us posted...
Best,
WS

 

[calmloki]

Dunno how to deal with hard times, but life goes on anyway. Think of life as a river - if there is some big ugly unsolvable rock or two in the middle of my life I (try) to move past it. If it can't be solved I go around it and keep flowing and dealing with the things that i can solve. Later that unsolvable will resolve itself or become inconsequential.

OTOH, my gal is of the ram and dam nature. Given a problem she just keeps banging away at it till it gives up - it has to, as she doesn't. Seems a bunch noisier her way, but she learns more. For me it's lowkey and calm and try to flow.

Best of luck with your life issues.

 

[bright eyed]

Watch a sappy movie and cry a lot! Sometimes it helps get it out even if it is about some silly movie...

I saw cast away the other day and cried like a baby - the message was really strong and has been playing in my head a lot - since it is relavent to my situation - "you just move forward" - so I keep saying that to myself in my head - "move forward"...it has been powerful for me since dwelling on the crappy situation I can't do much about sucks after a good pity party!

More hugs!

 

[sheehs1]

Brewer..so many good post and so many here have suffered losses I hope I never suffer..such as the loss of a child.
Am not sure your post was about this type of suffering....or ...as you said ...perhaps a lot of negative things and negativity surrounding you at the moment.
At times like these I tend to hibernate...do a lot of soul searching, walking, lifting weights...etc. I get "quiet"....meaning.....I wait it out and don't push myself or allow anything else to push me....trying to find "my center" again. It usually returns in due time.
Hoping you are able to turn this around soon.

 

[Walt34]

What else does one do? How do you make peace with things when life turns into one big sh!t sandwich?

One of the "take-aways" from the book What Color is Your Parachute? that I first read a couple of decades ago is trying to find the answer to "What were you doing when you were happiest?"

For me that turned out to be learning something new, different, technically challenging but not overwhelming, and something that was interesting for it's own sake. That turned out to be radio control model airplanes for a long time, which morphed into computer stuff, and taking a page from the book I persuaded my employer to create the job I wanted, playing with computers all day.

One of the most depressing times for me was going through the divorce. Six months before she moved out she wanted to have a baby, so "Gee, excuse me for thinking everything was okay". When I asked her about that later she said "I thought it would bring us closer." Only much later did it dawn on me the issue was immaturity - high school girls, not 30-year-old women - get pregnant for that reason, and it accounted for a lot of her spending behavior.

So I made some plans, set a course, had myself reestablished in my own home within 18 months, and as my Dad used to say "You chalk it up to tuition" and life goes on.

The problem is determining the course to set. Only you can answer that, but ask yourself "What was I doing when I was happiest?" Then head in that direction.

 

[Dawg52]

Sorry for your troubles Brewer. Not much to add to what has already been said, but I agree with others about exercise. I enjoy my daily walks with the mutt. Got in 5 miles yesterday. I'm not overly religious either, but I do go online everyday and read the daily devotion on the Upper Room website. I find that up lifting.

Your job may be carrying over to the rest of your life. I never liked my job. Just hung in there and finally hit the magic number. Sounds like your not that far off either, so you have that to look forward to in a few years. Focus on that and try to forget the daily crap. Just think of yourself as a short timer. That certainly helped me when I was closing in on my retirement goal.

 

[haha]

I am really impressed with the intelligence, depth and caring of all these responses. People here are not just average bears!

Ha

 

[Moemg]

I notice several people referring to anti-depressants as "Happy Pills "in a negative way . I struggled a long time before I finally decided I needed a short term of anti-depressants and believe me they don't make you happy . Nothing can make you happy when your life is in the pits . What they did was help me cope and work through the bad times . I know they have a stigma attached because I even used to wonder about people that take them but frankly until you have walked in somebody's shoes who is severely depressed you don't realize how tough it is to just move on . The only way I can explain a depression is suddenly your whole world is in black & white and all the color is gone . Well little by little the anti depressants restore the color so you can start to live again. Sorry for going off topic Brewer but this misconception drives me nuts .

 

[robbridg]

IMO Brewer I would do a lot of praying. That's what I do when life gets me down. It helps me. And I feel ya on the job front(been praying a lot lately ). Also, just some quiet time away from 'everything' can help.

And don't be afraid of anti-depressants. I'm not big into medication but it could be better than self medicating with alcohol. It helped me immensely after my divorce.

Good luck!

 

[freebird5825]

I notice several people referring to anti-depressants as "Happy Pills "in a negative way . I struggled a long time before I finally decided I needed a short term of anti-depressants and believe me they don't make you happy . Nothing can make you happy when your life is in the pits . What they did was help me cope and work through the bad times . I know they have a stigma attached because I even used to wonder about people that take them but frankly until you have walked in somebody's shoes who is severely depressed you don't realize how tough it is to just move on . The only way I can explain a depression is suddenly your whole world is in black & white and all the color is gone . Well little by little the anti depressants restore the color so you can start to live again. Sorry for going off topic Brewer but this misconception drives me nuts .

+1
Very well said.

 

[redduck]

Moe, you couldn't be more on topic.

 

[devans0]

My suggestions are to get up and move, find someone who's life is tough, and to do something that will make their life easier. Buy a meal for someone who is hungry, donate some time in a food bank or whatever that will help that fits your beliefs. finally, take some time to relish the small good that you passed on and then spend some time to be grateful for the good that is in your life.

I was going through a bad time a few years ago, volunteered to pick up a friend at an airport. Her flight was grounded because of a blizzard, and instead of picking her up, ended up going to a restaurant and buying food for all the passengers from a stranded plane at a closed because of a blizzard, local airport. I got more satisfaction out of that random opportunity for kindness than I have spending hundreds of times that money. BTW, I ended up marrying a manager of the restaurant chain that I bought the food from.

Hang in there, bad times do pass.

 

[HFWR]

Am I the only one who was happier after the divorce?

 

[Silver]

No new advice to offer....so many good thoughts are already here. My only hope is that as time goes by it feels better to be you.

Silver

 

[sheehs1]

I notice several people referring to anti-depressants as "Happy Pills "in a negative way . I struggled a long time before I finally decided I needed a short term of anti-depressants and believe me they don't make you happy . Nothing can make you happy when your life is in the pits . What they did was help me cope and work through the bad times . I know they have a stigma attached because I even used to wonder about people that take them but frankly until you have walked in somebody's shoes who is severely depressed you don't realize how tough it is to just move on . The only way I can explain a depression is suddenly your whole world is in black & white and all the color is gone . Well little by little the anti depressants restore the color so you can start to live again. Sorry for going off topic Brewer but this misconception drives me nuts .

+1....Moemg. There are times in life where they absolutely are needed to cope. I was on them for a short round...after the loss of my mother. It was not the loss ...although...I felt it deeply for 3 years...it was due to the greed sharks coming out in my biological family from family members who actively tried and were willing to destroy any sibling to get what they wanted. Very ugly. I fought back ...and did o.k. Still...I had a hard time understanding it and was very affected by it. It colored my life in fear and negativity for a long time- several years. And so...a short round of anti-depressants helped.
I hope I never need them again. That said, if something happened to my child...they can just put me in the looney bin and dope me up.!

 

[JBmadera]

best of luck Mate - it's an individual thing: many folks find relief thru a combo of therapy and various meds; life is too short to guess, find a competent dr and p-doc and explore what's going on.

something I've had to cling on to many times: "feels aren't facts".

good luck!

 

[DangerMouse]

I was one to mentioned "happy pills" and feel I should give a further explanation.

I am anti-happy pills due to my personal experience. For me, I believe feelings of sadness are normal the same as the feeling of happiness. As Keats said if you never know pain how can you feel pleasure, or something along those lines. Of course for some people who have a chemical imbalance they are the only solution.

A couple of years ago I went to the Dr asked for some sleeping pills and to have some bloodwork done as I knew there was something wrong with me. He told me there was no need to do any bloodwork as he could tell by looking at me I was fine. Told me I did not need sleeping pills, just needed to go camping for 10 days and that would fix me. I burst into tears as I was just so tired and worn out, I had not had more than 4 hours of sleep for the past 3 months. He told me he would give me some anti-depressants as he determined I was a housewife who was middle-aged and no children so he concluded depression had to be my problem.

I went to another Dr who did the appropriate blood tests and found I was Vit D deficient plus thyroid was not functioning correctly. She also sent me on a sleep study to find out what my sleep issue was.

I consider myself to be a "sad" person rather than a happy person. There has been a lot of crap in my life. In the past 19 months I have lost 11 family members/friends, 90% of these were to cancer and 30% were under 50 yos. My mother died last month after less than a month after diagnosis. So yes I am really sad at the moment. I cry regularly, but do I not think all this merits me taking happy pills. Not on your life. For me personally, I just think these are normal emotions. However, my sadness is not to the depth where I can't eat or sleep, I am able to function normally.

I think it is important to identify why one is sad and if that can be remedied do it. If a job is making you depressed you need to go elsewhere if possible. If a toxic relationship is doing it, cut them off.

I realise in some cases nothing other than medication can work, however I think that choice is between a prescribing physician and an individual.

 

[W2R]

Maybe it's because I live in post-Katrina New Orleans, and worked for the federal government, but it seemed to me that a full 1/4 to 1/3 of my co-workers were on anti-depressants (and even they referred to them as "happy pills", which is where I learned the term). To me, such a large percentage taking anti-depressants engenders doubt as to whether or not they are being over-prescribed around here or not. Probably 1/3 of my co-workers also lost their homes, but I'm still not sure that so many needed medication. Maybe so, maybe not.

There are times when anti-depressants are needed and I would urge anyone in those situations to ask for them. Particularly if one is feeling despondent or suicidal, this treatment of depression seems like a no-brainer.

But like DangerMouse, if my emotions are within a normal, bearable range of intensity and if they are appropriate for my situation, I would rather experience the emotions and go through the catharsis that allows me to naturally return to a happy frame of mind, in time. Otherwise I would feel I was covering up my emotions rather than dealing with them and their root causes.

 

[brewer12345]

I notice several people referring to anti-depressants as "Happy Pills "in a negative way . I struggled a long time before I finally decided I needed a short term of anti-depressants and believe me they don't make you happy . Nothing can make you happy when your life is in the pits . What they did was help me cope and work through the bad times . I know they have a stigma attached because I even used to wonder about people that take them but frankly until you have walked in somebody's shoes who is severely depressed you don't realize how tough it is to just move on . The only way I can explain a depression is suddenly your whole world is in black & white and all the color is gone . Well little by little the anti depressants restore the color so you can start to live again. Sorry for going off topic Brewer but this misconception drives me nuts .

I appreciate the explanation. That said, the only anti-depressants I would consider is steel-jacketed ones. The overuse of these things is part of what is wrong with the pharma industry and our medical system, IMO.

 

[RunningBum]

My methods:

1) Think big picture and long-term. If you're generally on the right track, you'll probably stay on that track and bad things will pass and/or will seem trivial. For other things you'll realize there's not much you can do about them (like parent's health) and learn to cope as best you can.

2) I look around and see whose life I'd trade for mine. I always conclude that I'd keep mine, and that makes me feel better.

3) Exercise of any kind helps. Find what you like and make time for it. If you can't figure something out, just try walking.

4) Someone mentioned an employee assistance program, and I agree. Talking to friends can help, but a professional may be a lot better at putting it in perspective. I was depressed when going through my divorce, and a counselor helped me realize that it wasn't about losing my wife, it was the feeling of losing my kid, and I focused on making the most of our time together. Sounds simple but I hadn't been seeing it, and I turned the corner after just 2-3 sessions.

 

[Nords]

Am I the only one who was happier after the divorce?

Do we need to ask your ex-spouse?

 

[rescueme]

...a counselor helped me realize that it wasn't about losing my wife, it was the feeling of losing my kid, and I focused on making the most of our time together. Sounds simple but I hadn't been seeing it, and I turned the corner after just 2-3 sessions.

Yes, that was my experience. Sometimes you need somebody outside your "sphere" that can view your situation as an observer - not clouded by any previous knowledge of you, your family, your friends, and your situation.

Like you, it took three sessions to "get my thinking straight" at the time...

 

[Moemg]

I appreciate the explanation. That said, the only anti-depressants I would consider is steel-jacketed ones. The overuse of these things is part of what is wrong with the pharma industry and our medical system, IMO.

I totally agree that they are over prescribed and believe me you will know when you need them . I also felt I would never take them because I could handle anything . I was wrong and I think taking them when I did was one of the smartest moves I made next to getting a great grief counselor . Most things in life can be handled without pharmaceutical intervention but never say never .

 

[Moemg]

Another great way to deal with the downs of life is writing . I wrote journals when I was grieving and they really did help me get my feelings out especially the anger .