I really appreciate all your replies - this is an issue I've struggled with before, and I think I'm bad at intuiting what's socially called for when it comes to expressing thanks. You've definitely convinced me that sending a card and small gift is appropriate, so I'll be doing that.
Would you be expected to reciprocate with an invitation to stay with you someday, or do you think they'd find a polite excuse to decline?
While there, I did offer to host my friend anytime she was in my area. Not sure how likely she is to visit, though.
Honestly, it's not necessarily about paying your friends back, but doing the same for them if the positions are reversed and failing that passing it along to someone else, if you get my meaning.
I like this sentiment, and completely agree.
I think you are too frugal. I always want to take care of my visitors the best way I can by paying for everything in reality you COST them a ton of money and most important, time. I would definitely do my best to be generous by ACT on it NOT offer alone. I wouldn't think that they want you to be back to their house if you ask to visit them 2 months from now.
Thanks for the feedback. I must admit I'm rather taken aback that you (and likely some others) think my actions were rude and/or ungrateful.
By way of some background explanation, most of my life has been spent around friends/classmates/coworkers who are geeky and often socially awkward, and I'm sure I could be described the same way. My preference is usually to interact as straightforwardly as possible and with a minimum of unvoiced expectations. So I'm likely to take someone's statements at face value if they offer or refuse a favor/gift. When I offer to pay for something it's meant sincerely, and if someone turns down my offer, I interpret that literally as well. It seems rude to me to second-guess someone's intentions.
I've witnessed (and sometimes participated in) the hunt-down-the-waiter-and-pay-before-the-other-party dance, and it gives me the willies! I'd much rather people could just agree to take turns paying or gracefully accept being taken out to dinner.
I wonder if I should try to err more on the side of tangible thankyou gifts. Personally, I really appreciate when people thank me in any manner (in person, phone call, email, card), and I do appreciate small token gifts. But I dislike receiving expensive (say, over $50 from a casual friend) or elaborate gifts unless I know the giver very well. Those tend to create a feeling of obligation to reciprocate (even if the giver didn't intend that), and I'm wary of giving expensive gifts because I don't want someone to feel obligated in the same way.
If you have any more feedback/advice, please chime in! I would like to be generous with my friends and at the same time not make them feel like I'm flinging excessive gifts at them. But my whole life it seems like I've been walking an invisible tightrope between the two.