It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020

[harley]

Thanks, that's really well done. I'm guessing he had some comedy writers help with that.

Andy Borowitz is a comedic(?) satirical blogger who produces things like this. Some of them are pretty damn funny, some of them are pretty damn stupid. Bounce around his blog if you want to see more.

Here's one of my favorites - A Letter from Bank of America « Borowitz Report

 

[mickeyd]

Old Guys Alert...

You Know you're Old When..


- In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
- It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.
- Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
- No one expects you to run into a burning building.
- People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
- People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
- There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
- Things you buy now won't wear out.
- You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
- You can eat dinner at 4:00
- You can live without sex but not without glasses.
- You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
- You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
- You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
- You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
- You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
- You got cable for the weather channel.
- You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
- You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
- You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
- You send money to PBS.
- You sing along with the elevator music.
- You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
- Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
- Your back goes out more than you do.
- Your ears are hairier than your head.
- Your eyes won't get much worse.
- Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
- Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
- Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
- Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

 

[donothing]

lottery

Woman comes flying into the driveway, runs into the house, tells her husband "pack your bags, I just won the lottery!" He says "OMG, you finally did it after all of these years!" He says "Do I pack for the beach, mountains or what?" she says "I don't care, just get the h--- out!"

 

[donothing]

military man

At a party a cute young girl sees a grizzled old retired military guy who she had heard lost his wife years ago. Feeling sorry for him she asks "when was the last time you had sex sir?" He thinks a minute and says "1955". She says "come with me into the next room" After an hour of passion she says "how was that after no sex for so long?" He says "what do you mean by "in so long?" she says "Well, you said the last time was 1955" He says "Yeah, but it is only 2055 now"

 

[eytonxav]

Birthday Reminder

 

[Nords]

Birthday Reminder

The camera & audio technicians at the CBS Washington bureau all built "Lewinsky additions" onto their houses with the overtime they received for that saga.

 

[nphx]

GeorgeBush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for.
The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russiaand talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls Englandand talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her thatthe cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.

Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devilinforms him that the cost is $5.00.

WhenPutin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply.


The devil smiles and replies, " Since Obama took over , the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."

 

[packrat44]

Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking...

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken
ship.
"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam
to the mass of people.
"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins
showing."
And they did.
"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our
fins showing."
And they did.
"Now we eat everybody."
And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked,
"Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first?
Why did we swim around and around them?"
His wise father replied,
"Because they taste better without the **** inside!"

 

[mickeyd]

Military Rules

US Marine Corps Rules:

1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
5. Be polite, be professional, but have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a "4."
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral & diagonal preferred.)
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
12. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot.

Navy SEALS Rules:

1. Look very cool in sunglasses.
2. Kill every living thing within view.
3. Adjust speedo.
4. Check hair in mirror.

US Army Rangers Rules:

1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.
2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
3. Request permission via radio from "Higher" to perform killing.
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving.

US Army Rules:

1. Select a new beret to wear.
2. Sew patches on right shoulder.
3. Change the color of beret you decide to wear.

US Air Force Rules:

1. Have a cocktail.
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.
3. See what's on HBO.
4. Ask "what is a gunfight?"
5. Request more funding from Congress with a "killer" PowerPoint presentation.
6. Wine & dine 'key' Congressmen, invite DOD & defense industry executives.
7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
8. Declare the assets "strategic" and never deploy them operationally.
9. Hurry to make 1345 tee-time.

US Navy Rules:

1. Go to Sea.
2. Drink Coffee.
3. Watch p0 rn.
4. Deploy the Marines.

 

[Nords]

That realistic assessment is too close to the truth to be a funny joke...

 

[Sam]

More Lewinsky

 

[ls99]

US Army Special Forces Rules

1. What rules?
2. Refer to rule 1.

 

[brewer12345]

Does it bother anyone else when someone is on their cell phone and
conducts very personal calls that you really don't want to hear but
are trapped into listening to? You'll enjoy this one:

After a busy day, and just as everyone was settling down for a nap on
the train for home, a man sitting in the midst hauled out his cell
phone and started up a loud, lengthy conversation:

"Hi darling, it's Bob... I'm on the train...Yes, I know it's the 6:30
not the 4:30, but I had a long meeting...No, not with that floozie
from the typing pool, with the boss... No, darling, you're the only
one in my life...Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart, etc., etc., etc.,
etc., etc., blah, blah, blah . . ."

When this went on more than 15 minutes, a young woman sitting opposite
him, driven beyond endurance, yelled at the top of her voice,
"Hey, Bob! Turn off that phone and come back to bed!"​

 

[eytonxav]

To be more successful with the girls.........

you must understand this:

 

[packrat44]

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:
>
>Dear Grand-daughter,
>
>The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if
you
>love Jesus' bumper sticker...
>
>
>I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a
>thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting...
>
>So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
>
>Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.
>
>I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about
>the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
>
>
>It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd
>never have noticed.
>
>
>I found that lots of people love Jesus!
>
>While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then
>he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!'
>
>
>Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'
>
>What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
>
>Everyone started honking!
>
>I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving
>people.
>
>
>I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
>
>There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling
>something about a sunny beach.
>
>
>I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in
>the air.
>
>
>I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.
>
>He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
>
>Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave
>him the good luck sign right back.
>
>
>My grandson burst out laughing.
>
>Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!
>
>A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got
>out of their cars and started walking towards me.
>
>
>I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I
>noticed the light had changed.
>
>
>So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the
>intersection.
>
>
>I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the
>light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the
>love we had shared.
>
>
>So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian
>good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such
wonderful
>folks!!
>
>
>Will write again soon,
>
>Love, Grandma

 

[BigNick]

There really is a town in Norway called Hell. And since Norway gets pretty cold at times, I guess that it won't be long until Hell freezes over. Look like I might be getting that raise after all!

 

[packrat44]

Tonsils Out


Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on beds next to each other, waiting outside the operating Room.
The first kid leans over and asks, 'What are you in here for?'

The second kid says, 'I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous.'
The first kid says, 'You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was

four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and

ice cream. It's abreeze.'
The second kid then asks, 'What are you in here for?'
The first kid says, 'A circumcision.'
And the second kid says, 'Whoa, good luck with that one, buddy! I had that done when I was BORN ...Couldn't walk for a year.

 

[packrat44]

THE DEAF ITALIAN BOOKKEEPER

Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of US$10,000,000.00
His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place
It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing, so he would not have to testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing US$10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer: "Ask him where the money is!”
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido: “Where's the money?”
Guido signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says: "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"
The lawyer signs to Guido: "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house.”
The Godfather asks the lawyer: "What did he say? "The lawyer replies: "He says you don't have the Guts to pull the trigger"

 

[frayne]

An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m.​

And was asked where he was going at that time of night.​

The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."​

The officer then asked, "Really?​

Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"​

​

​

The man replied,​

"That would be my wife."​

​

 

[Semiretired2008]

Since it is Father's Day...

A Daughter always tries to marry a man just like her Father - that is why Mother's always cry at weddings...

 

[wargames]

On January 9 a group of Pekin Il, bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off a Peoria bridge, so they stopped.





The leader, George a big burly man of 53, gets off his bike, walks through the gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, "What are you doing?"


"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either so he asked ... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.

After she's finished, George gets approval from his group, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you are wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl"



The onlookers are still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

 

[eytonxav]

Flipping the bird to our enemies

Interesting pic from Manteresting website

 

[mickeyd]

 

[eytonxav]

Politicians or Union Bosses?

 

[Nemo2]

A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding...​

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?​

Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.​

Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one.

Traffic Cop: Don't have one?

Older Woman: No. I lost it 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Traffic Cop: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Traffic Cop: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Traffic Cop: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Traffic Cop: You what!?​

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The traffic cop looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car while calling for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!​

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: My colleague here tells me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Are you serious?!

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.​

The traffic cop is quite stunned.

Officer 2: My colleague claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license quizzically.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, but I am puzzled, as I was told by my officer here that you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner!

Older Woman: Bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too. ​