Sojourner
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
- Joined
- Jan 8, 2012
- Messages
- 2,617
I’d love some advice from the wise folks around here about how to deal with a particular, tricky social situation. The detailed version of my question is below, but here’s the quick version: How do you navigate being part of a mostly great, fulfilling social group when there is one really annoying person who’s also consistently present in that group and doesn’t take the hint that you would rather not interact with him or her?
OK, now for the long version. I’ve been going to various meetups and have met a lot of fun and interesting people this way over the past year. One meetup in particular has been really fulfilling for me, and I’ve always looked forward to being a part of this group’s one or two events each month. At the last meetup a few days ago, though, something kind of discouraging happened. There were about 20 of us, all at a long table at a local restaurant/pub, and I was at one end of the table talking to some folks, having a great conversation. Suddenly, a lady from the other end of the table came over to where we were sitting and plopped down in an empty chair next to mine (between me and the people I was talking to), and began to loudly interject herself into the conversation. Now, this is not inherently a bad thing, since meetups are intended to be a very open and welcoming forum for meeting anyone and everyone present, if you want. So in that spirit, we all happily engaged in conversation with her… for a while. Over the next ten minutes, though, we all began to grow quiet and start fidgeting in our chairs. This lady was loudly and aggressively dominating the conversation, hardly allowing any of us nearby to speak for more than about 15 seconds at a time before she launched into another loud, vulgar, 5 minute monologue. When I say “loud” and “vulgar”, I am not exaggerating in the slightest. Her voice was like a bullhorn on full blast, and her speech was strewn with the most off-color kinds of slang you can imagine. Every fifth or sixth word was the f-word, and she frequently made extremely vulgar sexual remarks. Now, I’m no prudish shrinking violet. I use “adult language” a fair amount when hanging out with my friends, and I can be as crude and juvenile as anyone when cutting up with people I know well. But this woman was essentially a stranger to us, and she had to be somewhere in the neighborhood of 60-65 years old. So when she’d say things about how she’d love to run her hands all over some 20-something guy’s body (referring to one of the men down at the other end of the table), we’d all sort of look at each other and cringe.
So this went on and on for well over 30 minutes. None of us seemed to know how to deal with the situation. We all clearly wanted her to leave, but even with all the obvious signs of annoyance and discomfort we were showing, she just blithely continued on. To me, it seemed like this lady had some sort of social disorder where she wasn’t able to read people and respond appropriately. It was like she was performing some kind of bizarre standup comedy routine (and honestly, a lot louder and more vulgar and wince-inducing, and less funny, than anything you’ve seen on cable TV before). Finally, thankfully, she got up and went back to the other end of the table at some point. I remember looking at someone sitting near me and saying “Well… that was interesting.”
Now, if I didn’t really care much about this meetup and socializing with this group of people, I would just stop going to these hangouts. But, on the contrary, this meetup is one of my favorites and I don’t want to avoid participating in future events just because of this one lady. The problem is that she is ALWAYS present at these meetups, and until now, I think I have been lucky in not having much interaction with her. My fear, though, is that she will be far more likely to come up and “talk” to me and whomever I’m conversing with at future meetups, now that she knows who I am and knows that I’ll politely listen to her as if she were a normal person.
What would you do in this situation if you were me? Is there a good strategy for avoiding this lady without hurting her feelings too much, or would you not be too concerned with sparing her feelings? I don’t think she’s a bad person deep down… just socially dysfunctional. How can I keep attending and enjoying these meetups if she’s going to be at every one of them?
OK, now for the long version. I’ve been going to various meetups and have met a lot of fun and interesting people this way over the past year. One meetup in particular has been really fulfilling for me, and I’ve always looked forward to being a part of this group’s one or two events each month. At the last meetup a few days ago, though, something kind of discouraging happened. There were about 20 of us, all at a long table at a local restaurant/pub, and I was at one end of the table talking to some folks, having a great conversation. Suddenly, a lady from the other end of the table came over to where we were sitting and plopped down in an empty chair next to mine (between me and the people I was talking to), and began to loudly interject herself into the conversation. Now, this is not inherently a bad thing, since meetups are intended to be a very open and welcoming forum for meeting anyone and everyone present, if you want. So in that spirit, we all happily engaged in conversation with her… for a while. Over the next ten minutes, though, we all began to grow quiet and start fidgeting in our chairs. This lady was loudly and aggressively dominating the conversation, hardly allowing any of us nearby to speak for more than about 15 seconds at a time before she launched into another loud, vulgar, 5 minute monologue. When I say “loud” and “vulgar”, I am not exaggerating in the slightest. Her voice was like a bullhorn on full blast, and her speech was strewn with the most off-color kinds of slang you can imagine. Every fifth or sixth word was the f-word, and she frequently made extremely vulgar sexual remarks. Now, I’m no prudish shrinking violet. I use “adult language” a fair amount when hanging out with my friends, and I can be as crude and juvenile as anyone when cutting up with people I know well. But this woman was essentially a stranger to us, and she had to be somewhere in the neighborhood of 60-65 years old. So when she’d say things about how she’d love to run her hands all over some 20-something guy’s body (referring to one of the men down at the other end of the table), we’d all sort of look at each other and cringe.
So this went on and on for well over 30 minutes. None of us seemed to know how to deal with the situation. We all clearly wanted her to leave, but even with all the obvious signs of annoyance and discomfort we were showing, she just blithely continued on. To me, it seemed like this lady had some sort of social disorder where she wasn’t able to read people and respond appropriately. It was like she was performing some kind of bizarre standup comedy routine (and honestly, a lot louder and more vulgar and wince-inducing, and less funny, than anything you’ve seen on cable TV before). Finally, thankfully, she got up and went back to the other end of the table at some point. I remember looking at someone sitting near me and saying “Well… that was interesting.”
Now, if I didn’t really care much about this meetup and socializing with this group of people, I would just stop going to these hangouts. But, on the contrary, this meetup is one of my favorites and I don’t want to avoid participating in future events just because of this one lady. The problem is that she is ALWAYS present at these meetups, and until now, I think I have been lucky in not having much interaction with her. My fear, though, is that she will be far more likely to come up and “talk” to me and whomever I’m conversing with at future meetups, now that she knows who I am and knows that I’ll politely listen to her as if she were a normal person.
What would you do in this situation if you were me? Is there a good strategy for avoiding this lady without hurting her feelings too much, or would you not be too concerned with sparing her feelings? I don’t think she’s a bad person deep down… just socially dysfunctional. How can I keep attending and enjoying these meetups if she’s going to be at every one of them?
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