This should be a no brainer but….

[CSdp2024]

I have been lurking on this site a few months but dreaming of retirement for years. Have been working full time for 38 years while raising three kids. The last twenty years I was blessed with very good pay but at a price of high stress and extensive travel. Prior to the pandemic I traveled weekly and had grown to rationalize the perks of airline and hotel points as a reason to keep going. Have not flown in a year and admit I love being home and now dream everyday of leaving a job I really dislike. Financially we are set no debt with our home and vacation home both paid for. We have been rigid savers and have several million in investment accounts. I have done FIRE Calc and every other tool and all point to no worries even at two times our predicted spend. Professional have run our numbers and say we are right on track. So now the disconnect I am married to a great guy who is 100 percent defined by his job. He suffered a major depression a few years ago when laid off from his work. He also equates retirement with old age and almost giving up on life. He cannot bring himself to acknowledge my desire to retire early at 57. His response is always just give it 5 more years. He will continue to work until he drops. My employer has announced a restructuring and my new role is even less acceptable so I see this as the final signal to be done and hope to leave in the coming weeks. I am sad that I will have to do this without agreement from my spouse but in my assessment it has become a no brainer. Has anyone faced a similar path and any learnings you might share?

 

[Luvtoride]

Wow, it does sound like a “no brainer” except for the “great guy 100% defined by his job”.
Try to get him to read the book “Die With Zero” ( it’s a quick read) to help him put in perspective what we work for and how to use our time, money and health to create experiences and memories .

I’m not retired yet but the book has helped me clarify and focus my mind and resolve to retire and live!

Good luck.

 

[mystang52]

My DW was fully supportive of my ER while she continued her j*b (which she also loved) so I have no sure-fire words of wisdom. Maybe you can tell him that you will give it 6 more months, and then regardless you are retiring. Simultaneously, remind him that finances will not be an issue, that you have ample things to keep you occupied - including leisure pursuits and hobbies,- and finally nicely tell him that you do not view your occupation in the same way he does his.
6 month timeframe also gives COVID a chance to wind down (hopefully) so jointly plan for a celebratory vacation (refundable of course!).

 

[target2019]

After 38 years you have had enough, and the BS bucket is full. But your partner is 100% driven, and wants 5 more years. It won't be a surprise when you announce you have enough, the timing is right, and you will retire. It will then take some time for the other shoe to drop. This doesn't seem un-natural to me.

 

[donheff]

Pull the plug and offer to seek joint counseling if DW reacts negatively. his reaction sounds like it is coming more from his anxiety about himself than his judgment of you.

 

[Aerides]

Wow tough spot. I have to ask: Is ER something you and your DH have planned together and often discussed? If not, and you are coming to it on your own because, clearly, you can well afford to, that's trickier. DH and I were talking about retiring early while picking out wedding invitations.

I'd come at it from the standpoint that you fully support him continuing his career, and find a way to highlight benefits for him: You'll be less stressed, ie, happier to come home to. And 5 years will probably make no difference in your financial situation at 70, 80, or 102.

If none of that works, it's because he's not sure how to articulate what his real objection is, which may be more of a deep seated insecurity about income stopping, regardless of the impact to your joint bottom line. And I think you know that 5 years won't be the end if you did stay working, that's just a movable goal post. But it's telling he didn't open with something shorter...

Yes, counseling, joint best, but possibly solo for him particularly since you mention his prior depression. I'd probably say you'll give it to the end of the year, so he has a little time to adjust.

I don't envy you, I'm sure you realize this could become a real chasm for your marriage. Keep us posted.

 

[Koolau]

Fortunately, never faced such an issue. DW retired before I did and I was A-OK with that. I only stayed because I was still having fun. The day that changed was the day I retired (well, within a week.)

So you would be okay with retiring and letting him w*rk BUT he doesn't want you to leave your j*b?? Yes, I think this is an issue requiring counseling - especially since there is no financial issue with your early retirement. It's too bad you are not "equally yoked" on this subject. All I can say is "best of luck to you both" and YMMV.

 

[38Chevy454]

Yours is not a financial problem as you know from the calculations and discussions with financial planning person. I don't have a magic answer besides your spouse needs to figure out how to define himself without work.

I agree it sounds like you are emotionally ready for retirement. Plus your company and your position sound like it is also time. Is there a possibility of the company offering a package to encourage you to leave? Different issue than your spouse, just thinking if they offered you something it may help your spouse see why it's time to retire.

Does your spouse have hobbies or what does he like to do outside of work? Encourage him that he can do more of that. It also provides a means to happiness once his life is not majority defined by work.

I used to travel for work fairly often. Don't miss it at all. Those long days of airports and poor sleeping in hotels away from home are a fading memory now.

 

[frayne]

I've never faced your situation but would give this advice. Go with your gut and do what is best for your physical and mental health. Hopefully your spouse will come to the realization there is more to life than a job.

 

[skyking1]

All that is good advice above. His identity issues are his, and nothing you can do will fix that. I liken it to alcoholism. No one else can help a person with it, they have to come to the place where they want to make the change.
DW is having some of those issues herself. When go time comes I fully expect for her to waffle a bit.

 

[pb4uski]

So if you retire because you dislike your job to begin with plus your employer is restructuring it to make it less attractive and he continues to work because he wants to and is his identity is defined by his job, then what is the problem?

You've done your work, you've accumulated enough that neither of you have to work, but he choses to and you chose not to (at least for a while). I don't see what the problem unless he is so anal to continue to insist that you work when you don't hve to solely because he wants to continue to work.

 

[athena53]

You've done your work, you've accumulated enough that neither of you have to work, but he choses to and you chose not to (at least for a while). I don't see what the problem unless he is so anal to continue to insist that you work when you don't have to solely because he wants to continue to work.

I agree- there are no guarantees in life. Retire and enjoy it and get counseling with your husband if he has a problem with it. It may even get him thinking about his own retirement although it sounds like he needs to start to develop a life outside of work.

 

[Montecfo]

It's sad. I view everyone is having their own timeline. I'd hate to feel I had to wonder if of be heading for a solo act.

I think this calls for massive communication to get to bottom of ans solve the roadblock.

 

[pacergal]

I agree- there are no guarantees in life. Retire and enjoy it and get counseling with your husband if he has a problem with it. It may even get him thinking about his own retirement although it sounds like he needs to start to develop a life outside of work.

This^^ +1

Best of Luck to you. For your mental and physical health, based on what you have written, retirement would be good for you. Hopefully, with good communication and joint counseling, DH will see that.
If he wants to continue to work, thats his choice.
Your choice is to retire and enjoy life! Maybe when he sees you stress free, happy, healthy post retirement, he will join you.

 

[calmloki]

So if you retire because you dislike your job to begin with plus your employer is restructuring it to make it less attractive and he continues to work because he wants to and is his identity is defined by his job, then what is the problem?

You've done your work, you've accumulated enough that neither of you have to work, but he choses to and you chose not to (at least for a while). I don't see what the problem unless he is so anal to continue to insist that you work when you don't hve to solely because he wants to continue to work.

Just so. There is a lot of job vilification on this board. For some, work is rewarding. Hopefully you can both do what you want and continue to enjoy each other.

 

[euro]

So if you retire because you dislike your job to begin with plus your employer is restructuring it to make it less attractive and he continues to work because he wants to and is his identity is defined by his job, then what is the problem?

You've done your work, you've accumulated enough that neither of you have to work, but he choses to and you chose not to (at least for a while). I don't see what the problem unless he is so anal to continue to insist that you work when you don't hve to solely because he wants to continue to work.

^^^^^ This - 100%

 

[brett]

No. I,we, have not been in that situation. Though I did retire at 57/58. Never looked back, always forward.

Your health and well being should come first. You know in your heart and your head that it is time to pull the plug. Elongating your retirement date will only subject you to an increase in work related health issues. Not to mention a growing resentment toward your spouse.

You are making this decision too hard on yourself. Just do it.

I would treat your situation as two discreet challenges. Resolve of the easy one first, your retirement, then move on to deal with the other issues.

 

[MRG]

I can relate Megacorp owned me. DW watched me do a couple OMYs and not be done. My retirement came when Megacorp made it too unpleasant to stay. Retirement is a process not an event!

You should retire and let your partner find his path..

 

[RetireeRobert]

OP, only you know the dynamics within your own marriage.

But from the surface, seems fairly simple: You are more than ready emotionally, and can financially, retire from "your" job. Your DH is defined by his work, and he knows you both are debt free, but values work for it's own sake. No need for one to be miserable and the other happy with a "both retire" or a "neither retire" set of options. The one who wants to retire can, and the one who wants to work can. You can both be happy. Now, you do mention your DH seems at least superficially resistant to "you" retiring. But maybe you need to open up the subject for deeper discussion, lay out your feelings about your job to him. I think he will quickly realize you have every right to retire and be happier, while he keeps working and stays happier. If not, counselling is in order to help clarify the issues for both of you. Good luck, and may retirement open happy new worlds for you.

 

[travelover]

Just so. There is a lot of job vilification on this board. .......

There is a lot of job vilification in the work world. That is why people keep coming here telling us their job is killing them and it is about to get worse.

 

[RetireeRobert]

There is a lot of job vilification in the work world. .

You mean---"j*b" and "in the w*rk world".

Oh, I guess that was your point about vilification!

 

[Koolau]

You mean---"j*b" and "in the w*rk world".

Oh, I guess that was your point about vilification!

J*b vilification looms large in our legend here at the FIRE forums.

 

[O2Bfree]

What's in it for DH? Would you be picking up some of his household duties to make more free time for both of you on weekends? Sometimes have dinner on the table when he gets home? You could throw these things into discussions about you retiring, along with the financial and emotional issues you've described.

 

[tmitchell]

^^^^^ This - 100%

+1

 

[Jim59]

Wow tough spot. I have to ask: Is ER something you and your DH have planned together and often discussed? If not, and you are coming to it on your own because, clearly, you can well afford to, that's trickier. DH and I were talking about retiring early while picking out wedding invitations.

I'd come at it from the standpoint that you fully support him continuing his career, and find a way to highlight benefits for him: You'll be less stressed, ie, happier to come home to. And 5 years will probably make no difference in your financial situation at 70, 80, or 102.

If none of that works, it's because he's not sure how to articulate what his real objection is, which may be more of a deep seated insecurity about income stopping, regardless of the impact to your joint bottom line. And I think you know that 5 years won't be the end if you did stay working, that's just a movable goal post. But it's telling he didn't open with something shorter...

Yes, counseling, joint best, but possibly solo for him particularly since you mention his prior depression. I'd probably say you'll give it to the end of the year, so he has a little time to adjust.

I don't envy you, I'm sure you realize this could become a real chasm for your marriage. Keep us posted.

This comment made me think of this poster from the 50’s.

https://i.etsystatic.com/5891259/r/il/f43df1/353791617/il_1588xN.353791617_mhyp.jpg