A Divorce Attorney's Thoughts On Love and Marriage

[omni550]

A friend sent me this excellent interview of a top NYC divorce attorney, James Sexton. He has an interesting perspective on love, marriage, and divorce.

I was debating whether to post it in the current thread on finding romantic relationships post-FIRE, but decided to post it in a new forum and thread as it is applicable to a broader audience.

It's an hour long. I watched it at 1.5X speed without losing anything.

omni

 

[CaptTom]

How about a summary?

 

[GenXguy]

Yeah, you should have some input on it rather than just saying "it's interesting" and posting a link to a video to start a new thread. I certainly don't want to kill that much time watching it.

 

[audreyh1]

How about a summary?

+1

 

[omni550]

How about a summary?

Hard to do a highlight reel, as there's so much great content. Much of it is based on the premise that you can learn as much from failures as successes. Being a divorce lawyer, he's certainly seen a lot of failures.

A few quotes....

"People lie to their therapist, but they won't lie to their divorce lawyer."
"If you can't talk about hard things you have no business getting married."
"Barbers and divorce lawyers, when the pandemic ended... the lines were out the door."
"Marriage meets the legal standards for negligence."
"Learn to fight before you actually get in a fight, "Do you need a minute to cool down, or do you want to tackle it now before we go to bed"?"

FWIW, he has written 2 books: "How To Stay In Loveractical Advice From An Unexpected Source" and "If You’re In My Office It’s Already Too Late:A Divorce Lawyer’s Guide To Staying Together".

omni

 

[ncbill]

Off to write some mash notes...


though I do wait for my kid to come home so he can use the Wahl clippers on my hair.


since he is willing to cut it shorter than my wife is willing to do.

 

[aja8888]

"If You’re In My Office It’s Already Too Late:A Divorce Lawyer’s Guide To Staying Together".

Heck, I knew that ahead of time.

Of course there should be a discussion on the attorney's (both sides) goal of keeping the fighting/bickering going on as long as possible to continue their income streams!

 

[freedomatlast]

Smart guy. Interesting and entertaining at the same time.

 

[CO-guy]

I have a childhood friend at the tail-end of finalizing a covid-divorce. We speak often and he's asked me for advice constantly, from the moment he became suspicious of his wife's new "friends" to getting back out on the dating scene himself more recently. Occasionally I talk to some of our other childhood friends that he's close with and the conversations about him can be summarized as follows:

"I gave him the same advice and he ignored me too."

It's become clear to me that many people simply can't think rationally in these situations.

 

[FLSUnFIRE]

A hard one to summarize. I didn't watch this video but have seen him in other interviews and is good material (among others). I think I'm in a great mindset and would make a great partner but finding a woman in the same place is elusive.



"The science of happily ever after : what really matters in the quest for enduring love" by Ty Tashiro was a pretty good book too. I think it should be required reading for singles before they are allowed to date.

 

[badatmath]

I might take a peek at the book it sounds really interesting but as I can't even get a date not really any need for it. . .

Or can't get a date with someone I might potentially like anyway. I could probably get one with SOMEONE.

 

[frayne]

The guy is entertaining and a good story teller.

 

[RetMD21]

Sex, granola and downward spirals. That's my summary. Thanks for posting

 

[Letj]

I saw this interview and thought it was rather insightful and quite entertaining. I agree with most of what he had to say but then again I’ve never understood why we Americans are so obsessed with marriage.

 

[Turbo29]

How about a summary?

If you are interested in the subject sometimes you just have to put in the work and watch the video. If not interested, skip it.


I found it very interesting.

 

[aja8888]

Sex, granola and downward spirals. That's my summary. Thanks for posting

LOL!

 

[Gremlin]

Sex, granola and downward spirals. That's my summary. Thanks for posting

Ha! I wasn't interested before but after reading this summary I am now.

 

[sparky08]

Thanks, I'll watch it later. But before I forget...

This video is from the YT series "Soft White Underbelly", and I want to give it a plug. I've found the most interesting interviews about people & places. There's a couple about people from Appalachia. They've interviewed drug smugglers, prostitutes, gang members, mafia hit men, etc.

 

[frayne]

Thanks, I'll watch it later. But before I forget...

This video is from the YT series "Soft White Underbelly", and I want to give it a plug. I've found the most interesting interviews about people & places. There's a couple about people from Appalachia. They've interviewed drug smugglers, prostitutes, gang members, mafia hit men, etc.

Agree, the segment on the Whitakers from West Virginia is disturbing to say the least but is handled with care and compassion.

 

[Time2]

Sex, granola and downward spirals. That's my summary. Thanks for posting

I had to go back and review the topic of the the thread! While what you say me be true of many marriages, we can strive for better.
Not sure about the granola.


Edit: after reading further in the thread, it seems there may be context in the video, may need to watch.

 

[Letj]

I think people need to really watch this video. It’s absolutely mesmerizing.

 

[athena53]

I saw this interview and thought it was rather insightful and quite entertaining. I agree with most of what he had to say but then again I’ve never understood why we Americans are so obsessed with marriage.

I'm only partway through it but plan to watch the rest of it. Darn, I shoulda been born with the "hot" gene so I wouldn't have had to toil away taking actuarial exams.

As for marriage: an economist recently published her book "The Two-Parent Privilege". I'd listened to her podcast interview and in the US kids do better (measured by school achievement, among other things) when parents are married. Living together did not have the same effect and it wasn't due to economic differences. She was able to compare populations in an area of Ohio that got very prosperous due to fracking in the area. The additional money did not lift the achievement levels for kids whose parents were not married. Interestingly, in some Scandinavian countries she studied, kids with cohabiting parents DID do as well as those with married parents.

So, I do think we can make a case for marriage when children are involved. At my age? Nope.

 

[Letj]

I think it really depends on the culture and the support that children receive from extended family and the community (including government). You are correct about children doing better in marriage in the US. I have seen the studies too but based on my extensive travel and many people I know personally, the social environment was more a predictor of “doing well” than marriage. In the US, children are pretty much isolated to the nuclear family whether that’s a single parent or not and if that sucks, the child will have a really hard time. Among advanced countries, US is really an outlier when it comes to marriage, and I would argue the outcome for children is far worse.

 

[athena53]

Halfway through now. I love this guy. Good comparisons to "preventative maintenance" in other aspects of life- car, health care, dental care, etc. If you wait too long, things fall apart to the point that drastic action is needed.

Good discussion on prenups, too. My Ex brought $300K into the marriage that he inherited and hinted at getting a prenup. I told him fine but I'd want something that didn't leave me with zero after 10 years and 3 kids. (Marriage ended after 13 years and one kid, $100K had been the down payment on the marital home so he got 60% of the equity. The rest was gone- spent on his own wants and finally for his share of household expenses during the 5 years he was unemployed, till it ran out.) He never brought up prenups again. I think that having the discussion early will bring out a lot of information on each person's values and intentions. If your spouse-to-be thinks that they immediately own 1/2 of your million-dollar house when you're pronounced married, that's important to know.

 

[Sunset]

..... I think that having the discussion early will bring out a lot of information on each person's values and intentions. If your spouse-to-be thinks that they immediately own 1/2 of your million-dollar house when you're pronounced married, that's important to know.

I know a lawyer that did family law including divorces.
He told me, about his girlfriend of some months, then she moved in with him, then after less than a year, they split up.
She got 1/2 his house !!

So even lawyers can make mistakes