That only makes me more certain that the "I don't wan't to go to a home" is an early sign of mental limitation.
Well......maybe. Or perhaps you're painting with too broad a brush due to your deep involvement in your current personal situation.
My situation with my dad turned out very, very differently. I wanted him to look at nursing home living, he didn't. He sat me down and helped me understand that it was going to be very tough on me, but that he wanted to stay independent longer and was accepting the risks involved with living independently at an adavanced age. So, I allowed it.
He went on for seven years, complete with girlfriend, new car, and a fun attitude. He was slipping mentally and physically. I did some work in the background to keep him from making any big mistakes. In the end, his "friend" found him dead on the kitchen floor, dressed in his "party clothes" when he failed to show up to pick her up for a date. He was 83.
I'm sure he would have lasted longer in a nursing home facility. But, it was his choice and he was partying to the last minute.
I truly understand your deep emotional involvement with your current predicament. But perhaps that's leading you to generalize your situation and outcome to everyone. In reality, each situation may be different.
I'm sure I could have bought my dad some extra time by locking him up out of harms way. And it surely would have saved me some worry! But today, I'm glad I let him do it his way. He was a tough guy, a heavy equipment operator, a gun-toting union organizer, a sportsman, a war hero. Watching him try to operate in his old ways as a fumbling geezer was tough, very, very tough on me.
Every situation is different even though, right now, you feel you and your DW's situation and outcome would apply to all. Maybe not 100%
My hat is certainly off to you both for the sacrifices you're making.