cute fuzzy bunny
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
I'm dang pissed about my vents.
I have learned in life that people usually do not change. If someone is crooked or rotten they usually stay that way until they die.
I have seen people that were horrible right up until their death in their 80's.
I have worked for people and had nothing but problems over and over and over with the same people and not one problem with others. People that I know that I like and trust seems to stay a constant also. I get that comment from people that have known me for a long time and I take it as a huge compliment. Thinks like "I know I can count on you".
I know that people can change it seems that when kids are in their teens that they can be rotten and then turn out ok. But for people in their mid twenties or older I think those traits are there for life.
Now I know there are exceptions I have seen some nice people be rotten and some people that were going through a bad time and were horrible and then made it right later.
But I would say at least 9 out of 10 if you find someone who has a habit of doing rotten stuff they will stop that when they stop breathing.
I had a neighbor that sued everyone for no reason she was horrible....she was that way until she died. I got another neighbor that is in her mid 80's that is as objectionable as they come and I doubt she will change if and when she reaches 90!
The way I look at it is no one is perfect even the nicest people I know can have their ways and get annoying at times. Life is not like some perfect movie.
When I would do work for people there were people that I just could not work for because of reasons like they would not pay me or were just abusive. And others that I didn't like that were workable to deal with.
I guess what I'm saying is if you know the person you are dealing with pretty well don't ever expect them to change just ask yourself if you can HANDLE the way they are. Because they probably will never change!
I hope everything works out for you.
Jim
As the World Turns...
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re: providing the commitment so she knows i'll be there. THATS THE STICKING POINT. doesnt showing her by EXAMPLE mean much more than by saying 'i do' thats what i dont get...people would prefer a promise more than ACTION...8 years ive been there thru thick and thin
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I EXPERIENCED life without her for 6 months and wouldnt wish that on my worst enemy. i NEED her. that's not the issue at hand. having to say "I DO" to prove it is what irks me...my actions SHOULD speak louder than my words...
Fed.... you missed the point of my first post.... I was not talking about your kids... but how you feel about your lady...
You sound like a lot of guys that I have known.... I don't believe in marriage... it is 'meaningless'.... or even 'it is just a piece of paper'... and even yours... isn't my actions more important....
I will then ask YOU... if it is only a piece of paper... then why are you so AGAINST giving her this piece of paper? if you say you will be there 'forever', then why not say it BY LAW? Your arguments ring hollow... there is something else that you are not saying... there is a REAL reason you do not want to be married.... maybe you don't even know what it is... but I go back to my first post.... and I will reword it a bit...
she is good enough to keep around the house and take care of my kids and we have sex etc.... but DAMN if I am going to let her get her hands on MY stuff....
is this more clear? And if you think this way.... then you are not ready to get married.... you are a family or you are not... right now, you are not... you are two people who happen to live together who have two kids together....
Finally, do you have a will? Who are you leaving your assets to when you die? If it is not her... well, go back up a few paragraphs and read what I put down... now you know it is true....
OPPPSSS.... sorry.. one more comment.... it seems you also are trying to plan for the divorce already... even before the marriage...
+1+ BUT she certainly deceived me and was sleeping with a man while still sleeping in my house. i didnt even see it coming. over the next 6 months, we both realized our mistakes, mended the relationship, and moved on. we now have 2 kids (3 and 3mos), live in the same house,etc.
well, why dont i want to marry her? I honestly just cant forgive her for what she did.
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+2+ although i was not good at being in a relationship at the time, i NEVER deliberately did anything that would hurt her...it was unintentional,self-absorbed, greed-driven emotional absence.
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+3+ i also suspect she had some part or knowledge of a certain event in my life that will affect me for ever. long story short, my illegal lifestyle at the time resulted in large sums of cash stashed around the house. shortly after she moved out, people I KNOW she mingled with attempted to rob me, police were involved, i am now a felon. LONG story VERY short. I dont WANT to believe she was a part of it, but i think her big mouth started things in motion. I cant forgive that. she swears she had nothing to do with it. i also suspect she slept with a second person while we were separated, someone i knew...but denies it. she'd never admit it, and i wont ever forget it...so its a stalemate
i also want a pre-nup, which she takes halfheartedly. i dont want her to be able to pull one over on me nect year or 10 years down the road. I dont THINK she would, but i didnt THINK she'd sleep with some guy while still residing in my/our home...nor did I have the slightest idea she'd have all her stuff moved out when she did...I was BLINDSIDED. I have significant assets for my age and want them protected. she alwasy said 'yeah, we can do a pre-nup" but now that im discussing details it aint going so well.
+4+ all in all, i feel not marrying her is my last bit of 'control' over the situation. i dont DISTRUST her now...not at all....but its the fear of the unknown holding me back
+6+ i dont know what to do....everythings fine on a day-to-day basis....until marriage talk comes up....
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+5+ i even explained that im trying to find MYSELF right now...the whole inner peace thing I posted before...and she laughs at me...literally...saying 'how long is it going to take? we've been engaged for 2 years". i understand her point, but she definately doesnt understand where im at emotionally/spiritually/mentally right now...and that doesnt help
thanks for listening!
She wants to marry you for the financial security/stability, and as an expression of YOUR commitment to her. It seems you are unwilling to offer either guarantee.
In your case, with your apprehensions about her previous deviousness, I wouldn't go through with marriage without a prenup. If she drags her feet on this, it's clear that she cares more about the financial guarantees than your commitment to her.
So, you're saying that the Fed should get married and not get a prenup? I'm not trying to be obtuse, I just had some trouble picking our your advice.Run, "Judy," run! Don't join the ranks of women who didn't find time to get their own lawyer's review of the prenup and years later must listen to an opposition attorney say, "she signed it!"
IMO a prenup is there only to circumvent the meaning of "the piece of paper." I look at a prenup paper and I say, "that is not a marriage." Also, FYI (in Cal, for one) you cannot sign away your rights to spousal and child support.
It strikes me as patently unfair for Fed to hold this over her head. He says the (marriage) paper doesn't matter, b.s.! B.S, b.s., especially since he's insisting on a prenup. I don't know if their state is a community property state but if it is, this lack of paper would have already cut her out of eight years of the acquisition of property they both contributed to. Getting the cow's milk for free is one thing but to take all the slaughterhouse profit is.... (fill in the blank).
So, you're saying that the Fed should get married and not get a prenup?....
As the World Turns...
No, I'm not giving Fed any advice. (That was venting!). Where is the advice to Fed, in "run, 'Judy,' run"?
I'm saying that anyone who signs a prenup drawn up by the other party's attorney should at minimum have it reviewed by their own attorney, that is an atty. who represents only him or herself, not the potential spouse's atty who drew up the prenup, or worse, not an atty who is passed off as representing both of them; at mid level postpone the wedding; at max call it off.
My real problem with prenups is the coercive last minute nature of them and the implicit distrust. The best prenups merely restate state law, e.g. they may spell out what separate property exists. Do you think that a prenup starts the marriage off on a better footing? Obviously, I don't.
I don't get your comment that the property is owned by Fed when he has lived with her for 8 years--should she morally have no share in the benefits of the property acquired during those 8 years?
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I think Paul McCartney would loved to have had a prenup....
Run, "Judy," run! Don't join the ranks of women who didn't find time to get their own lawyer's review of the prenup and years later must listen to an opposition attorney say, "she signed it!"
IMO a prenup is there only to circumvent the meaning of "the piece of paper." I look at a prenup paper and I say, "that is not a marriage." Also, FYI (in Cal, for one) you cannot sign away your rights to spousal and child support.
It strikes me as patently unfair for Fed to hold this over her head. He says the (marriage) paper doesn't matter, b.s.! B.S, b.s., especially since he's insisting on a prenup. I don't know if their state is a community property state but if it is, this lack of paper would have already cut her out of eight years of the acquisition of property they both contributed to. Getting the cow's milk for free is one thing but to take all the slaughterhouse profit is.... (fill in the blank).
Her free ride right now is just that...a FREE ride. Financially,she must contribute NOTHING to our situation. She works for play money. So how does that entitle her to the things *I* have earned?
No, I'm not giving Fed any advice. (That was venting!). Where is the advice to Fed, in "run, 'Judy,' run"?
I'm saying that anyone who signs a prenup drawn up by the other party's attorney should at minimum have it reviewed by their own attorney, that is an atty. who represents only him or herself, not the potential spouse's atty who drew up the prenup, or worse, not an atty who is passed off as representing both of them; at mid level postpone the wedding; at max call it off.
My real problem with prenups is the coercive last minute nature of them and the implicit distrust. The best prenups merely restate state law, e.g. they may spell out what separate property exists. Do you think that a prenup starts the marriage off on a better footing? Obviously, I don't.
I don't get your comment that the property is owned by Fed when he has lived with her for 8 years--should she morally have no share in the benefits of the property acquired during those 8 years?
Her free ride right now is just that...a FREE ride. Financially,she must contribute NOTHING to our situation. She works for play money. So how does that entitle her to the things *I* have earned?
I did explain in the above post that there is NO last minute, coercive nature in this instance whatsoever,thus you can mark that off of your list.
Why WOULDN'T a prenup start the marriage off on a better footing? Sure, it might indicate distrust at first glimpse. But if properly executed, it surely indicates two adults who have discussed, analyzed, compromised on some of the most important aspects of their future. Sounds like a good start to me....
Lastly, what does having a moral share of the benefits mean? You lost me.... MORALLY, she should own my things I earned....thats what you mean....isnt it? How so? We're talking black white and grey here....not magenta.