A Friendly Gesture Cheapened - Am I Overthinking This?

[TrvlBug]

Timely post! Our new neighbor of about 2.5 years stopped by yesterday and gave our 2 indoor kitties a card and gift! DH thinks we should pick up a couple of gifts for their cats (outdoor and they very much enjoy our yard looking for lizards and gophers!). I'm on the fence and think we should just enjoy the gifts.

The neighbors are very nice and we've had some very pleasant interactions with them over the years.

 

[MC Rider]

+1. Having moved around a lot, I can attest to this. Some neighborhoods it's normal to know each other (where we live now), and others hardly anyone knows their neighbors - not even next door some times. In my current neighborhood, almost everyone waves at each other driving or walking, whether they know you or not. We walk everyday, and it's the complete opposite in the two neighborhoods right next to us - drivers and walkers don't even make eye contact much less wave or smile, even though we wave at almost everyone (why not?). I have no idea why...

Nobody ever put cookies or any sort of gift on our porch, explained or not. But our neighborhood is one where most of the people whose houses I can see from here apparently don't talk to strangers like us who have only been here 11+ years. That said I'm not putting stuff on peoples porches either. There are a few people I exchange greetings with when I see them while doing yard work or walking. I also have no idea why it it that way.



The first apartment I had when I moved here in '87, the building was party central. To the point I moved when my lease was up for a quieter place, at the ripe old age of 28.

 

[sweetana3]

My lovely neighbors left us a freshly baked load of sourdough. The husband is a good baker. We do not reciprocate. However, last year during the year I gave him a vintage sourdough cookbook for inspiration.

My husband also shovels or sweeps their walkway and sidewalk along with other neighbors. He enjoys it and we do not expect any "reward". It is just being a good neighbor and better than any Christmas present.

 

[Dash man]

Look at the pleasant side of things. They appreciated your gift and chose to reciprocate. Take it at face value. You have nice neighbors.

 

[travelover]

You are turning lemonade back into a lemon. Lighten up!

 

[OverThinkMuch]

Covid has really made some people squeamish about having extended chats face-to-face. One of the neighbors I referred to are in a high-risk demographic. Moreover, I've noticed that other neighbors have this ritual of leaving bags of homemade food for each other on their doors. I wonder if it's so unusual.

But, anyway, I get the feeling I'm overthinking things.

Edit to add: And, to be clear, this reciprocation happened within an hour or two of us leaving the baked goods at their door. The expeditiousness in which it was done, I think, is the sticking point for me. Of course it's natural for people to want to return a kind gesture at some future point. But, for some reason, the swiftness of it made it feel more like - "OK, let's just get this over with so we can call it even".

I know - I'm nuts. Moderators, please feel free to delete this thread.

Don't ... (my name). Personally, I don't like being in debt. So upon receiving a gift, I might reciprocate on that basis. But I would also have newfound appreciation for my neighbors and think maybe they're nicer than I thought. In other words, I'd try reaching out a bit more.

For example, how do you know they felt "let's get this over with" versus "we should accept their invitation to friendship". Maybe I should put it differently to you.

You offered to break bread with this neighbors. Mr Corleone, the wine is a Sicilian message. The wine means they have accepted your offer of friendship.

 

[scaubie]

I would feel the same way as your neighbor. Not sure if I would have acted on it but it’s human nature to want to ‘pay back’ a good deed. Be the bigger person and be appreciative. Let it go. Happy new Yesr!

 

[mb24]

It’s the universal law of reciprocation. See the books by Robert Cialdini titled “pre-suasion” and “influence”. It is human nature across all cultures to reciprocate a gift, no matter how insignificant the initial gift may be so we do not feel indebted. I highly recommend the books and to not be upset about the reciprocation.

 

[Earlygirl]

My wife had gone on a baking spree this holiday season, making all sorts of goodies. The plan was to bring the baked goods to a family gathering so we can all enjoy them together. We ended up with so much that we decided to give some to our neighbors. Up until today, we never exchanged more than a brief greeting when we crossed paths with our neighbors, and we thought it this would be a nice, friendly gesture. So we prepared the little packages of goodies and left them on our neighbors doorsteps.

Due to unforeseen circumstances, the family gathering didn't take place, so my wife and I are spending a quiet Christmas by ourselves this year. A little disappointing, but we're making the best of it. She made a great Christmas eve dinner of rack of lamb which we enjoyed with a nice bottle of cabernet.

Anyway - as we were calling it a night, I went to take the garbage out when - to my surprise - I found a couple of gift bags with bottles of wine in them - from our neighbors. I'm confident we would not have received them had we not left them the baked goods, as we never exchanged anything in prior years.

I find myself feeling disappointed. Not because the bottles of wine were not of good quality or anything like that. It's because of the spirit in which it was done. It's obvious to me that my neighbors felt obligated - like they're keeping score and they don't want to feel things are "uneven". So they grabbed a bottle of wine they had lying around that they didn't mind parting with, shoved it in a bag and made things "even". I would have appreciated it more if, when we crossed paths again, they expressed their appreciation and told us that they enjoyed the things my wife baked. I wasn't looking for a "payback". We don't keep score. It kind of cheapened the gesture.

These feelings really caught me by surprise - I didn't expect to feel this sense of disappointment. Am I nuts?

I wouldn't worry about it. I received a couple of gifts like that from people that I didn't expect it from. I thanked them profusely, but I still feel a little guilty that I didn't have something on hand to give them or take something over afterward. Maybe it's good that I didn't! It's natural to want to reciprocate. Maybe things can be more friendly between you from now on.

 

[NoEZmoney]

Free wine is still free wine!
And yes, I think you're overthinking this.
Enjoy the grape as you ring in the New Year.

 

[gooddog]

You could view it as a 'thank you'.

 

[RobbieB]

Good to know that you don't like gifts. Makes life easier.

 

[2cheap2eat]

My wife had gone on a baking spree this holiday season, making all sorts of goodies. The plan was to bring the baked goods to a family gathering so we can all enjoy them together. We ended up with so much that we decided to give some to our neighbors. Up until today, we never exchanged more than a brief greeting when we crossed paths with our neighbors, and we thought it this would be a nice, friendly gesture. So we prepared the little packages of goodies and left them on our neighbors doorsteps.

Due to unforeseen circumstances, the family gathering didn't take place, so my wife and I are spending a quiet Christmas by ourselves this year. A little disappointing, but we're making the best of it. She made a great Christmas eve dinner of rack of lamb which we enjoyed with a nice bottle of cabernet.

Anyway - as we were calling it a night, I went to take the garbage out when - to my surprise - I found a couple of gift bags with bottles of wine in them - from our neighbors. I'm confident we would not have received them had we not left them the baked goods, as we never exchanged anything in prior years.

I find myself feeling disappointed. Not because the bottles of wine were not of good quality or anything like that. It's because of the spirit in which it was done. It's obvious to me that my neighbors felt obligated - like they're keeping score and they don't want to feel things are "uneven". So they grabbed a bottle of wine they had lying around that they didn't mind parting with, shoved it in a bag and made things "even". I would have appreciated it more if, when we crossed paths again, they expressed their appreciation and told us that they enjoyed the things my wife baked. I wasn't looking for a "payback". We don't keep score. It kind of cheapened the gesture.

These feelings really caught me by surprise - I didn't expect to feel this sense of disappointment. Am I nuts?

Yes your overthinking this!!! If you barely talked to your neighbors and suddenly leave food, yeah you made it awkward. If you want a relationship, maybe invite neighbors over, organize a neighborhood meet & greet, or just accept people want privacy!

 

[JJpop]

My wife had gone on a baking spree this holiday season, making all sorts of goodies. The plan was to bring the baked goods to a family gathering so we can all enjoy them together. We ended up with so much that we decided to give some to our neighbors. Up until today, we never exchanged more than a brief greeting when we crossed paths with our neighbors, and we thought it this would be a nice, friendly gesture. So we prepared the little packages of goodies and left them on our neighbors doorsteps.

Due to unforeseen circumstances, the family gathering didn't take place, so my wife and I are spending a quiet Christmas by ourselves this year. A little disappointing, but we're making the best of it. She made a great Christmas eve dinner of rack of lamb which we enjoyed with a nice bottle of cabernet.

Anyway - as we were calling it a night, I went to take the garbage out when - to my surprise - I found a couple of gift bags with bottles of wine in them - from our neighbors. I'm confident we would not have received them had we not left them the baked goods, as we never exchanged anything in prior years.

I find myself feeling disappointed. Not because the bottles of wine were not of good quality or anything like that. It's because of the spirit in which it was done. It's obvious to me that my neighbors felt obligated - like they're keeping score and they don't want to feel things are "uneven". So they grabbed a bottle of wine they had lying around that they didn't mind parting with, shoved it in a bag and made things "even". I would have appreciated it more if, when we crossed paths again, they expressed their appreciation and told us that they enjoyed the things my wife baked. I wasn't looking for a "payback". We don't keep score. It kind of cheapened the gesture.

These feelings really caught me by surprise - I didn't expect to feel this sense of disappointment. Am I nuts?

Yes you are nuts

 

[cbbennet]

My wife had gone on a baking spree this holiday season, making all sorts of goodies. The plan was to bring the baked goods to a family gathering so we can all enjoy them together. We ended up with so much that we decided to give some to our neighbors. Up until today, we never exchanged more than a brief greeting when we crossed paths with our neighbors, and we thought it this would be a nice, friendly gesture. So we prepared the little packages of goodies and left them on our neighbors doorsteps.

Due to unforeseen circumstances, the family gathering didn't take place, so my wife and I are spending a quiet Christmas by ourselves this year. A little disappointing, but we're making the best of it. She made a great Christmas eve dinner of rack of lamb which we enjoyed with a nice bottle of cabernet.

Anyway - as we were calling it a night, I went to take the garbage out when - to my surprise - I found a couple of gift bags with bottles of wine in them - from our neighbors. I'm confident we would not have received them had we not left them the baked goods, as we never exchanged anything in prior years.

I find myself feeling disappointed. Not because the bottles of wine were not of good quality or anything like that. It's because of the spirit in which it was done. It's obvious to me that my neighbors felt obligated - like they're keeping score and they don't want to feel things are "uneven". So they grabbed a bottle of wine they had lying around that they didn't mind parting with, shoved it in a bag and made things "even". I would have appreciated it more if, when we crossed paths again, they expressed their appreciation and told us that they enjoyed the things my wife baked. I wasn't looking for a "payback". We don't keep score. It kind of cheapened the gesture.

These feelings really caught me by surprise - I didn't expect to feel this sense of disappointment. Am I nuts?

I think you are now obligated to drink that wine with the wino neighbors. (I'm the wino neighbor and would truly appreciate a bit of wine time with our thoughtful neighbors).

 

[jollystomper]

You’re overthinking it. It’s natural for people to want to reciprocate. Enjoy the wine and get out there and talk to your neighbors a bit more. Think of this all as a bit of an ice breaker.

I wholeheartedly agree with this. Be thankful, enjoy the gift, and remember not to make perfection in your eyes the enemy of good . Maybe use this as a way to get to your your neighbors better.

 

[brett]

Perhaps you neighbor does not know the difference between good plonk and cheap plonk. Labels are misleading. Price is not always a good indicator.

Be kind, give them the benefit of the doubt. It is the thought that counts.

I am currently drinking an $8. bottle of Argentine Malbec that has a 92 point rating. Twice as good as some that have I have purchased for two, three times (and more) the price. So impressed that I went back an bought two cases.

 

[Oh no]

You have thoughtful neighbors, be thankful.

 

[Vincenzo Corleone]

Perhaps you neighbor does not know the difference between good plonk and cheap plonk. Labels are misleading. Price is not always a good indicator.

Be kind, give them the benefit of the doubt. It is the thought that counts.

I am currently drinking an $8. bottle of Argentine Malbec that has a 92 point rating. Twice as good as some that have I have purchased for two, three times (and more) the price. So impressed that I went back an bought two cases.

While I was hoping this thread would die out, to be clear, I wasn't complaining about the quality of the gifts.

 

[Vincenzo Corleone]

Good to know that you don't like gifts. Makes life easier.

And I was so hoping you'd blow some of your dough on me. I'm hurt.

 

[Sunset]

Perhaps you neighbor does not know the difference between good plonk and cheap plonk. Labels are misleading. Price is not always a good indicator.

Be kind, give them the benefit of the doubt. It is the thought that counts.

I am currently drinking an $8. bottle of Argentine Malbec that has a 92 point rating. Twice as good as some that have I have purchased for two, three times (and more) the price. So impressed that I went back an bought two cases.

Could you post a photo of it, or tell us the name/winery.

I read about Malbec , and some good ones, but my local store at the time didn't have those, so I bought different one. Was not impressed, but willing to try again.

 

[brett]

Could you post a photo of it, or tell us the name/winery.

I read about Malbec , and some good ones, but my local store at the time didn't have those, so I bought different one. Was not impressed, but willing to try again.

UKO Estate (Mendoza)2019 Malbec. Also the 2020.

UKO Estate 2019 and 2020 Cab.Sauv.
Rated 92 and 91 respectively.

Our local store brings wine in by the container and blows it out.

My practice is to buy a bottle or two. Try it immediately. If I like it I go back for a case or two before it sells out or the sale ends.

Argentine reds have been at bargain prices for the past year or so. Argentine currency vis a vis has been going down significantly in value.

I also buy Chilean product, including Shiraz.

 

[AbbA]

My wife had gone on a baking spree this holiday season, making all sorts of goodies. The plan was to bring the baked goods to a family gathering so we can all enjoy them together. We ended up with so much that we decided to give some to our neighbors. Up until today, we never exchanged more than a brief greeting when we crossed paths with our neighbors, and we thought it this would be a nice, friendly gesture. So we prepared the little packages of goodies and left them on our neighbors doorsteps.

Due to unforeseen circumstances, the family gathering didn't take place, so my wife and I are spending a quiet Christmas by ourselves this year. A little disappointing, but we're making the best of it. She made a great Christmas eve dinner of rack of lamb which we enjoyed with a nice bottle of cabernet.

Anyway - as we were calling it a night, I went to take the garbage out when - to my surprise - I found a couple of gift bags with bottles of wine in them - from our neighbors. I'm confident we would not have received them had we not left them the baked goods, as we never exchanged anything in prior years.

I find myself feeling disappointed. Not because the bottles of wine were not of good quality or anything like that. It's because of the spirit in which it was done. It's obvious to me that my neighbors felt obligated - like they're keeping score and they don't want to feel things are "uneven". So they grabbed a bottle of wine they had lying around that they didn't mind parting with, shoved it in a bag and made things "even". I would have appreciated it more if, when we crossed paths again, they expressed their appreciation and told us that they enjoyed the things my wife baked. I wasn't looking for a "payback". We don't keep score. It kind of cheapened the gesture.

These feelings really caught me by surprise - I didn't expect to feel this sense of disappointment. Am I nuts?

IDK... You feel disappointed in your neighbors' reciprocity, but I also found a bit strange how you decided to share cookies with them now after doing nothing of this nature before (and for many years to boot). You made an excess pile of cookies to share. Well, your neighbors just happen to buy more wine bottles just in case they get an unexpected invitation to visit somebody or to give a neighbor who unexpectedly gives some cookies. Unless I'm missing something in your story, I see it as a nice gesture of your neighbors and nothing about "keeping score." I don't think the notion of "keeping up with the Joneses" apply in your case. Just my 2 cents...

 

[Vincenzo Corleone]

...Unless I'm missing something in your story...

You are, but that's OK. It's not important enough for me to try to explain myself.