A relative's fear of dying (Necrophobia)

[jollystomper]

When my mom was in her mid 70s, I was telling her that I sometimes go to an ice skating rink with my friend and she said that she used to love ice skating when she was a teenager and she wanted to try it again and asked me to take her. I said no. Do you think I should have taken her? She was visiting me in California from Japan with a travel insurance. There was no way I was going to take any risks like that with her at her age especially as a traveller in a foreign country. I thought she was out of her mind asking me this, but that's her comfort level, I guess.

When my mom was 81 she visited shortly after DW, our kids still at home and I had all gotten new bikes to bring on camping trips. She saw them and began talking about how much she rode bikes as a kid, in her native country cars were scarce and biking was a primary transportation mode. Long story short we ended up driving out to a bike path and letting her bike. Two of her grandchildren walked/jogged alongside her just in case, but she loved it, it brought back so many memories to her of her youth. At times she sped up in front of them, and they would chase after her yelling "Grandma, you're crazy, be careful!!", but she just laughed her head off.

 

[athena53]

As I got older, I am more careful of what I do especially when activities could potentially involve falling. (It's often slippery here in winter months with ice, etc, and I won't go for a walk when it's icy. I snowshoe though.)
<snip>
Like I said, everyone has a different comfort level, and probably in different situations.

I agree- I went ice skating with a church group 4 years ago, fell and twisted a shoulder muscle. It took a year for me to get full range of motion back. (No, I didn't get treated- I had a high-deductible plan and could tell it was improving, albeit slowly.) That was my last ice-skating expedition. I also won't do high-ladder work unless someone is around in case I fall. I'm still bicycling at age 68 but there's a lovely flat path (former RR bed) right outside my neighborhood that goes on for miles and gets enough traffic that I'd be OK if I fell and couldn't get up.

I do worry about everything that could go wrong but for the most part it doesn't interfere with living my life. I remember my paternal grandmother wouldn't go near steps as she got older- too many of her friends fell on them, broke a hip and that was the beginning of the end.

The OP's friend sounds more anxious than normal, though. I'm not an expert but maybe they need some professional help?

 

[Amethyst]

Is he afraid of Death, but not of aging?

 

[tmm99]

When my mom was 81 she visited shortly after DW, our kids still at home and I had all gotten new bikes to bring on camping trips. She saw them and began talking about how much she rode bikes as a kid, in her native country cars were scarce and biking was a primary transportation mode. Long story short we ended up driving out to a bike path and letting her bike. Two of her grandchildren walked/jogged alongside her just in case, but she loved it, it brought back so many memories to her of her youth. At times she sped up in front of them, and they would chase after her yelling "Grandma, you're crazy, be careful!!", but she just laughed her head off.

That sounds wonderful. I'm glad all went well for her. As for my mom, she said she could go straight on a bike, but couldn't turn even as a kid. Your mom must be pretty athletic (at least more so than my mom. )

 

[athena53]

I SHOULD mention that today I'm visiting a 70-year old friend who's in rehab. He played a lot of ice hockey with friends (mostly much younger). It wasn't enough that he and some of his teammates got COVID after a match late last year (passed onto his wife and in-laws but they all pulled through). A month ago he took a hard fall on the ice during a game and is getting PT because he's pretty much paralyzed from the armpits down. We helped his wife pack for a move into a house on one level that's being adapted to become ADA-compliant so it sounds like they don't expect a full recovery. Really sad- he's one of the hardest-working volunteers in our church and he and his wife are/were avid travelers.

As tmm999 said, we all have to choose our risk level.

 

[pacergal]

OP

1) probably just caution on your relatives part, wearing mask doesn't hurt anyone, so pay no attention
2) you are doing things most likely out of his comfort zone, again he is expressing caution, doesn't hurt anyone
3) new occurrence of isolation could indicate anxiety/depression. They often go hand in hand.

I don't think 1 & 2 show an "extreme fear of dying". And for 3, a Check in with his medical provider could be warranted. Any other changes in behavior you are aware of?

 

[disneysteve]

OP

1) probably just caution on your relatives part, wearing mask doesn't hurt anyone, so pay no attention
2) you are doing things most likely out of his comfort zone, again he is expressing caution, doesn't hurt anyone
3) new occurrence of isolation could indicate anxiety/depression. They often go hand in hand.

I don't think 1 & 2 show an "extreme fear of dying". And for 3, a Check in with his medical provider could be warranted.

I agree 100% with this assessment. I was trying to word it appropriately.


There's a big difference between reasonable caution and "fear of dying".

But sudden isolation, withdrawal from activities one used to enjoy, that can be a sign of depression. Though the pandemic has definitely pushed many people in that direction even if they aren't clinically depressed.

 

[GrayHare]

"Get busy living, or get busy dying." The people I've known with the most concerns about death lost someone important to them while they were young. Fears might be ameliorated at a young age, but later it's very tough.

 

[SunnyOne]

The only support that I am aware of for unnatural levels of fear or phobia is either professional psychological help or Buddhist study/practice, meditation and the like.

 

[2177V]

The only support that I am aware of for unnatural levels of fear or phobia is either professional psychological help or Buddhist study/practice, meditation and the like.

I agree. Here is some family history:

Mom passed away at 88.
Dad passed away at 71.

Both had hypertension and heart congestive failure. I always believed that my Mom lasted longer because she was a fighter. She talked to her doctor often and she did not want to let go. On the other hand, my Dad had some resignation especially because he was unable to drive. He then became withdrawn and talks about death.

What is alarming to the family is that their first son (which is the same individual that triggered this thread) has the some resignation. He talks about death and he is following his Dad's footsteps and not his Mom's. He is now older than his Dad when Dad passed away so he feels that the end is near. He also have similar health issues.

A strong will to live usually have good outcomes. Resignation is just that. I also believed that having a purpose in life is important to carry on. Getting psychological assistance should help as you suggested. The family already made a decision to see him more often. I am hoping the family can convinced him to see a doctor who can prescribed some anti-depressive medication. I never thought about depression being a potential factor until I started this thread.

 

[RobbieB]

I never met my Dad's dad, died of heart problems at 50. So did Dad's older brother. Needless to say, Pops was a little nervous when he turned 50.

But he lived to 92!

 

[Amethyst]

Sounds like my father. His father (obese, smoker) died at 55 of a brain hemorrhage. Until doing census research, I never knew that Dad's father also had two brothers who did not reach age 50 (don't know of what, but cardiac seems reasonable); their father also died before age 50.

So my Dad, with this terrible family history, had a heart attack when I was 3 or 4. I vaguely recall him smoking cigars all day long, and then suddenly, he stopped and never smoked again. He lost some weight; Mom was careful about his diet. He died at 87...from car accident injuries. And he fought those, including a broken neck, for several months! That is what I call the will to live.

I never met my Dad's dad, died of heart problems at 50. So did Dad's older brother. Needless to say, Pops was a little nervous when he turned 50.

But he lived to 92!

 

[Souschef]

Stuff happens. I skied for 20 years, had 1200 hours as a private pilot, and at 80, flew a P-51.
Last May, I was standing on a piece of pegboard trying to snap it (don't ask). It snapped suddenly an I hit the sidewalk on my butt.
Long story short, I suffered a compression fracture of my L2. I am still wearing a back brace, and will not see the neurosurgeon until January.

 

[RobbieB]

My Pops quit smoking at least a dozen times. Three or four by himself and the rest when he was in the hospital or rehab. I'd go pick him up when he was released, drive him home get him in the chair and then...

Get my smokes and a martini -

I loved my Pops, partied to the end. Died in his sleep at rehab. Way to go!

 

[MC Rider]

Nobody lives forever, and it must suck living in fear.
I will continue to ride my motorcycle as long as I can. Have said a lot of times I'll gladly quit when they pry my cold dead hands off the grips.

Reality is I will probably have to quit at some point for physical reasons other than being dead right there, hands still on the grips.

Meanwhile I will pull on the leathers and helmet and go ride my Ducati tomorrow just like,

On Any Sunday.

 

[Car-Guy]

My Pops quit smoking at least a dozen times. Three or four by himself and the rest when he was in the hospital or rehab. I'd go pick him up when he was released, drive him home get him in the chair and then...

I smoked from my early 20's until mid 30's. I was just a pack a day smoker but I really enjoyed them. Once I decided to stop, I probably quit 6 or 7 times but it never lasted more than 7 to 10 days at a time. I really wanted to quit but any stress and I'd pick up another pack.... Then one day I got the bright idea to try something different. So there were a couple of bands of cigarettes that I really didn't like. I bought a carton of them and smoked up to two packs a day...(Almost began to make me sick to smoke them) By the end of the week I couldn't stand the thought of smoking another one of that nasty brand. But I kept one pack in the house, just in case. After a few more weeks the urge to smoke wasn't so bad anymore. Over the next few months I'd get the urge occasionally but all's I had in the house was that "nasty" brand so I'd stay away... Before long the urges stopped... Almost 40 years now and I haven't had another smoke.

(Still have that last nasty pack too )

Maybe this will give a current smoker a new idea on how to quit.. (If they want to quit) Might be worth a try... Worked for me.

 

[MC Rider]

I used to smoke a pack or so a day too. Quit 6 years ago by switching to vaping.
Not great for you but not nearly as bad. Does not stink up the house or car either.

 

[tmm99]

My grandmother was a smoker all his life and died of lung cancer at 97.
My mom smokes and she has had breast cancer and now there's a spot in her lung. She's 93.

Just some people...

 

[jollystomper]

That sounds wonderful. I'm glad all went well for her. As for my mom, she said she could go straight on a bike, but couldn't turn even as a kid. Your mom must be pretty athletic (at least more so than my mom. )

Thanks. She always was. As kids she had this ability to be "quick off the blocks" and catch any of us 7 kids before we knew what was going on .

She was still active until around 84, she started slowing down and physically weakened after that. She died at 86, but up until about a week before she died, when any of us visited, she would insist that we take her on a walk around the block. She had no regrets, never got dementia, and to the end was comforting us to "don't worry about me , I am happy to the end".

 

[MC Rider]

Did you ever think when a hearse went by, that you might be the next to die?


It seems there are numerous versions of that song.

 

[street]

I'm not afraid of dying but aging does seem inviting at all.

 

[gooddog]

I have a friend who is 73 that is the same way. He wasn't like that a few years ago, but when the fear mongering from the media regarding the virus he practically hid behind his couch. The constant barrage from the media shattered his psyche. Much like your friend, he is a hermit now. He owns homes in two different states, and closely watches the news, and moves to the other house depending on number of new cases of COVID. Even bought his own backpack respirator. Just a few minutes conversation with him is unnerving, he is in such extreme fear. It is really sad to see. Had to cut ties with him, it was just too much.

 

[eyenitnoy]

The first two don't sound pathologic.
The third might be depression.
Perhaps a psychiatric consultation is in order.

 

[imnontrad]

My mother was scared of dying and in the last years of her life became very isolated. It was painful to watch. But we could not change her.

 

[GaryInCO]

(1) He still wear a mask to a recent family event though everyone (including him) has been fully vaccinated.

Anyone out there has a similar friend or relative who fears death so much that it dominates his or her life? I am interested to see how other people handle this situation.

I actually look a bit like your relative. I still wear a mask anytime I'm indoors with other people. I actually missed major family events (my niece's wedding & the huge party my brother threw) because I didn't want to be around that many people. Vax or not, there are still breakthrough infections.

But I've got a pretty good reason to be nervous. I have cancer (lymphoma). Covid hits blood cancers extra hard -- I saw a study that said mid-60's men with lymphoma have a 50% Covid fatality rate. Plus the cancer and my treatment drugs mean I have almost zero immunity, even fully vaxxed & boosted.

So it's possible your relative has something similar, something that makes him extra-cautious. But given the other death fixations, probably not.

Makes me wonder if my friends & family think *I'M* fixated ...