Alone, antisocial and ready to retire

[rescueme]

Being alone does not mean you are lonely.

I've been an extreme introvert all my life, and actually suffered emotional pain when exposed to social situations, such as school and w*rk.

Now that I'm retired, I find I'm much happier and don't need to reach out.

Yes, I'm married (so DW has been my only "friend") and I keep extremely busy with the needs of my disabled (adult) son, so it's not like I'm living like a hermit (however, I don't think I would have a problem doing so if the situation would occur).

And as to the question as to what would happen if I was alone (as far as health emergencies)? That's why they offer such items as this:
http://www.lifealert.com/

BTW, my late father (who I was estranged from for over 30 years, when he went on to his "second family") lay on the floor for two days after having a stroke, and his "close family and many friends" were not around. He lived long enough till found and passed in the hospital a few days later.

Family/friends? Nope, don't need or count on them. Disappointment has been the result for me in the past while attempting such “relationships”, and I'm much better/happier being my own best friend.

 

[mystang52]

I'm married, and have just a handful of friends. But I find I need plenty of "me alone" time. I consider myself an introvert. Frequently, just running in my County park and seeing other walkers and runners is sufficient for me to get my occasionally-needed people "contact" fix.
I have to confess I thought I was odd, but after reading this post I am glad to see there are many others who are quite happy being introverted.

 

[arebelspy]

OP interesting comments.

I'm a loner and frankly I doubt hardly anyone could live my existence. I'm as cutoff from human contact as if I was stationed in Antarctica. The only people I am ever around is when I go grocery shopping. I live in a small town in a rural area and no one here is in touch with neighbors, been here 12 years and still waiting for a hello form the ones that were here prior to me! If you weren't born here then 50 years later you're still an outsider. I could never live in a city, even a suburb would drive me crazy. This is not rural enough but will do.

I have had very few friends in my life but those that were friends were very close and important. In 2005 within an 18 month span every single last one died and I am alone. Too old and too shy and too withdrawn to make new friends. I retired 4 years ago and what was a lonely existence has turned into near total isolation. I spoke to very few people at the mega corp when working and now I email 2 of those people on occasion. I can't leave the house for long as my old dog isn't trust worthy and does not ride well in the car. This has me trapped at home 99.9% of the time unless I want to clean up pee and poop which I try to avoid.

People wear me out, really this is not an exaggeration. One on one is fine but put me in a group of 2 or 3, forget a dozen, and within an hour or so I am exhausted and need to be alone. Virtually no family left alive and have a little contact with the last 2.

My weeks fly by like seconds! I can't fathom how fast each Monday morning turns into Friday night. I like week days I don't like weekends. I have a routine that takes up almost the entire day every day but weekends that schedule goes to hell.

What do I do? Anything I want whenever I want. There are a lot of excellent shows on TV like History, Discovery, Nat Geo channels not the regular channels that are full of trash. I tape anywhere from 1 to 4 hours of programming a night M-F and watch some each morning. Then it's treadmill time. By the time that's done and I'm washed and dressed it's 11 am to noon. I listen to talk radio and have shows I follow from 9 am to 6 pm, many times I catch some of these shows while working on stuff, on the treadmill etc cuz I can't listen to 9 hours a day! I cook, seldom eat out and everything is made from scratch so it takes time. I garden and grow a lot of the food I eat, weeding and watering take considerable amounts of time that I resent but must do. I used to go for long rides but like I mentioned my dog is not good at this anymore (tired of her crapping in the car on 15 minute trips) and I can't trust her alone for 10 hours, hey even 3 is a huge stretch. My sleep schedule is shot to hell thanks to the dog. I can't go to bed unless she goes out and poops and this means I have to be up at 1 and 2 am, it's dreadful. Sometimes I wake up at 6:30 am even tho I went to bed at 2 am and was lying in bed watching tv until 3 am. Sometimes I collapse at 1 pm and get an hour's rest otherwise I'm asleep at 8 pm on the couch for an hour or 2. Right now I'm wasting time until 1 or 1:30 am so I get her out. I don't care to wake up to dog crap in the bedroom, down the hall, into the living room. It is hard and one day I'll be able to go to bed at 10 pm and get up at 6am but for now I have to deal with this the best I can. It ain't easy.

I couldn't wait to retire even tho I knew I had nothing to do, nowhere to go and no one to do it with. I love being free of that terrible commute, the office politics, the idiot people all around me, the ability to do what I have to do when it needs to be done vs trying to do it on weekends. No regrets about retiring and cutting the last contact with people.

But am I unhappy? No. I wish I had a friend but that's never going to happen and I can tolerate isolation fairly well so I just go on. I think as time passes I am becoming trapped in this sort of like someone that is going insane and is cognizant of their oncoming insanity and it worries me that i will become the crazy person living in the attic so to speak. I frequent a few forums and this is the best one so that keeps me in contact with humans on the level I want and can handle... just like as if I was in Antarctica right now... thousands of miles from anyone but able to converse with someone.

Interesting post, I wonder how many people are isolated by choice like I am? I know loneliness is a big problem for seniors. I have heard some people express that people wear them out and I was surprised as I thought that was unique to me. Most people are gregarious but some are hermits.

Another hour+ to kill, I so want to go to bed.....

Sharing that took courage. Thank you.

 

[Major Tom]

Yes, great post veremchuka, and it's not often that people share this sort of information in such a candid way and with this kind of detail.

I think the reason that we introverts aren't more candid about our disposition is because most folk are extroverted, and find it hard to understand how we could be content living the way we do. I genuinely enjoy social interaction with other people, but within the confines of a framework that makes me feel comfortable i.e. at work or in my immediate neighborhood, for example. I do enjoy chatting with neighbors, and did enjoy being sociable with colleagues at work. Very occasionally, I'd go out with them too for drinks, but not too often

Because of my job (I was a DJ), I came into contact with a great many people, and enjoyed it too, but I think that I must have confused a lot of folk (and probably upset some) when I didn't accept social invites and wasn't seen "out on the town" very much. Many probably saw me as aloof or anti-social, but the truth was that extensive socializing is very hard work and just isn't fun for me. The fact that I was working in a world full of very sociable people must have made the contrast between my outer affability and inner loner hard for many to figure out.

We should have regional meet-ups for us introverts. But then.....would anyone come, or would we make excuses, "Erm, I'm really sorry, but I have to play with my cat and watch something on TV"

 

[Nemo2]

Because of my job (I was a DJ), I came into contact with a great many people, and enjoyed it too, but I think that I must have confused a lot of folk (and probably upset some) when I didn't accept social invites and wasn't seen "out on the town" very much.

LOL. I was in sales, and I still recall, (from long ago & far away), an internal, (it was a large company, and although I'd spoken to this lady numerous times we'd never met), call.......when I answered, (the way I always answered the phone), the woman remarked that she loved calling me because I was always so upbeat and cheerful......I replied "I'm working".

 

[Seeking Hobbes]

I'm single, more than a little bit of a loner, and do not have family or friends nearby - and certainly none that are retired.

Anyone else in this boat? What do you do all day?

It would be interesting to know what there is out there for us "solos".

First, I have to say that this is a fascinating thread... thanks for starting it Nuiloa. (on an aside, I wonder if it's an RE characteristic to be somewhat of a loner?... or if being a loner makes it easier to RE?) In any case... like so many in this thread, I can attest to being a bit of a loner as well (although a reluctant one).

I am now a grand total of 3 days into my "retirement" and already I have felt the withdrawal pangs of loneliness. Let's face it... moving from an office environment with a lot of forced interaction... to an empty house is a bit of a shock. One that will take a little getting used to. Here are a few things that have helped me thus far...

- I have a dog.
Pets are great companions... offering unconditional love and attention. Through a daily walk, they also provide a great vehicle for exercise, fresh air and community (if you choose to walk with others).

- I have housemates.
The young (20's) daughter and husband of a good friend recently moved into town. Since my house is large enough, I have offered them my finished basement for as long as they wish. They get free lodging... I get help around the house/yard/pool... someone to watch the place/pup when I travel... and a little human contact. They also happen to be a pair of the nicest, most considerate, 20 year olds that I have ever met.

Still, this leaves a lot of alone time... so my plans are to...

- Take some classes (home improvement, photography, etc.)
- Travel with friends (I don't like to travel alone)
- Keep busy around the house/yard and exploring interests that I never had time to do. Who knows... maybe I'll even take up Polynesian Dance

One thing I read on this forum was that a member didn't "turn on the TV until after 7pm"... I'm doing my best to adhere to that philosophy as well.

 

[haha]

One thing I read on this forum was that a member didn't "turn on the TV until after 7pm"... I'm doing my best to adhere to that philosophy as well.

I recently cancelled my cable and let my screen go dark, other than when I watch an occasional DVD. Last thing I watched at home was the NCAA basketball Tournement, and one or another of my sons usually invite me for that anyway.

I live alone and am divorced, though I have a pretty tight relationship with a woman. She works much of the time, but has part of a couple days a week that I can see her. I would not consider myself an extrovert, but I have always enjoyed contact with people. In fact, I pretty much need it. I try to be helpful in my family- do airport pickups, emergency baby sitting, etc. I have many casual friends in the neighborhood and in my building, and a few of these that I go out for drinks or coffee with.

I see my dance partner for several hours of dancing 1-2 x/week. I used to see many people and made some good friends dancing, but I have some hip arthritis on one side and if I danced much more it would hurt more. Many bars have the dancefloor laid right on the concrete floor, which is murder on people with knee or hip issues.

Others in the group have had hip replacements, and I likely would have to do this too if I want to get back into dancing as often as I did. I cannot decide if it is worth it or not. Overall, I am not a fan of medicine and surgery.

One good thing about dancing is that you are needed. Women need partners, since they like to dance as much as the men do or perhaps more. And if you are skilled, which I am, there is a fair mount of ego stroking going on. Plus, I think long lasting full body hugs to music just make you feel better about life.

I have a good friend from childhood that lives not far from me and I usually see him once a month.

Basically, I need more but at present can't figure out the best way to proceed. Unfortunately I am at the age when long time male friends start to die, and I have found these people essentially irreplaceable.

90% of why I participate here on ER.org is social, and my need for this is why I try to stay inside the law as laid down by our resident sheriff and deputies, even though I might enjoy being more of a pita than I already am.

Ha

 

[Major Tom]

90% of why I participate here on ER.org is social, and my need for this is why I try to stay inside the law as laid down by our resident sheriff and deputies, even though I might enjoy being more of a pita than I already am.

Ha

The occasional PITA is good to keep things interesting - and besides, I enjoy reading your informative posts on the benefits of dividend investing.

 

[Nuiloa]

I'd like to be the first to observe that this forum NEEDS someone who's into polynesian dancing and geocaching.

Welcome Nuiloa.

Lol! I tried doing both at the same time, but my grass skirt kept snagging on the blackberry bushes.

Love your name, btw! I'm a total cataholic.

 

[Nuiloa]

Yes, great post veremchuka, and it's not often that people share this sort of information in such a candid way and with this kind of detail.


Because of my job (I was a DJ), I came into contact with a great many people, and enjoyed it too, but I think that I must have confused a lot of folk (and probably upset some) when I didn't accept social invites and wasn't seen "out on the town" very much. Many probably saw me as aloof or anti-social, but the truth was that extensive socializing is very hard work and just isn't fun for me. The fact that I was working in a world full of very sociable people must have made the contrast between my outer affability and inner loner hard for many to figure out.

Hallelujah! I thought I was the only one! When I'm performing and being "Nui, Queen of the South Seas", I come across as a totally extroverted, party animal type. That's why it's called "performing". I enjoy it while I'm there - but it's like the costumes and the make-up are a shield. That's why people have such a hard time trying to figure out why I say no to most invitations to parties and events. Unless I have false eyelashes and a grass skirt on, I'm just not into the social scene. I'm the same with parties - if I have something to do like serving or looking after some aspect of it, I'm fine. I just can't stand around and chit chat with a wine glass in my hand.

It's nice to know I'm not psychotic and that there are other people out there like me.

Nui

 

[Milkman]

Hi Nuiloa.

If you are curious about traveling alone, you might check out the very popular blog The Adventures of Tioga and George. George is a cancer survivor who has been traveling throughout the U.S., Canada, and Mexico for years in an almost 20 year old Class C RV. Make sure you go back to the beginning of the blog to get the true flavor and perspective of his message. He makes the distinction of being alone vs. lonely.

Milkman

 

[Mulligan]

Interesting thread. I share a lot of the mentioned attributes. When I read posters who mention they are introverts or mention alone, but not lonely, I say good for them! But it saddens me to read comments of just being lonely. I have a lot of alone time but love it. For the first time a couple of years ago, I traveled by myself and went to Vegas alone because I couldn't round up any of the usual suspects to go with me. The first day, I felt like such a loser! Now, I prefer to go out there by myself and am planning another loner trip in July. I will never go to a movie theatre by myself though.

 

[Nuiloa]

Interesting thread. I share a lot of the mentioned attributes. When I read posters who mention they are introverts or mention alone, but not lonely, I say good for them! But it saddens me to read comments of just being lonely. I have a lot of alone time but love it. For the first time a couple of years ago, I traveled by myself and went to Vegas alone because I couldn't round up any of the usual suspects to go with me. The first day, I felt like such a loser! Now, I prefer to go out there by myself and am planning another loner trip in July. I will never go to a movie theatre by myself though.

Why not? Movies are perfect places for being alone - it's one of the few places, in fact, where it's frowned upon to interact with others.

I always have preferred travelling alone. My first trip ever was with a group of 10 women and we spent most of the time trying to decide where to eat. I vowed never to travel in a group again. My next trip was as a solo to Club Med in Guadeloupe. I loved it so much I quit my job, sold my car, got rid of my fiancee and went to work for the Club for 2 years in the Caribbean, Mexico and Tahiti.

I find that, if I'm with someone, I'm stuck with the person - and we do the "compromise" dance for everything from sightseeing to restaurants. If I go alone, I'm forced to meet others if I feel like interacting and I find I generally am far more gregarious in most social situations. Everything is on MY terms though - so I'm happy. Maybe I'm not so much a loner as a self-centred diva! Hmmmmm

 

[Mulligan]

Why not? Movies are perfect places for being alone - it's one of the few places, in fact, where it's frowned upon to interact with others.

I always have preferred travelling alone. My first trip ever was with a group of 10 women and we spent most of the time trying to decide where to eat. I vowed never to travel in a group again. My next trip was as a solo to Club Med in Guadeloupe. I loved it so much I quit my job, sold my car, got rid of my fiancee and went to work for the Club for 2 years in the Caribbean, Mexico and Tahiti.

I find that, if I'm with someone, I'm stuck with the person - and we do the "compromise" dance for everything from sightseeing to restaurants. If I go alone, I'm forced to meet others if I feel like interacting and I find I generally am far more gregarious in most social situations. Everything is on MY terms though - so I'm happy. Maybe I'm not so much a loner as a self-centred diva! Hmmmmm

I see nothing wrong going to movies alone, but when I was in college I had a movie review that had to be done the next day, so I hustled up to the theatre to watch "Purple Rain". I looked around and I was the only one sitting by myself, so I felt like a social outcast. I understand that was during the social college years where you worry about dumb stuff like that, but it had a psychological impact on me! Even today if I go with my male friends to a movie, we have to have an open seat between us so we aren't viewed as a couple. Dumb I know, but we all have our quirks.

 

[haha]

Even today if I go with my male friends to a movie, we have to have an open seat between us so we aren't viewed as a couple. Dumb I know, but we all have our quirks.

Do you mean that you are afraid that anonymous people in the movie theater will think that you are gay? Or do you mean that you expect that they will think that you are gay, but wish them to know that the man you are with is not your BF?

Ha

 

[Sarah in SC]

Nu, interesting that you dance but are an introvert--I totally "get" your idea that it is the costume that you don for the performance. I hoopdance and the hardest part about it is that people look at me, but I can block them out to enjoy it.

And lots and lots of us are introverts on this forum. I remember discussions of the ER personality type many times over here and the number of ISTJs and INTJs is staggering.

You'll do fine!

 

[Mulligan]

Do you mean that you are afraid that anonymous people in the movie theater will think that you are gay? Or do you mean that you expect that they will think that you are gay, but wish them to know that the man you are with is not your BF?

Ha

I love comments,HA! Your first sentence is in what I am in reference too. I just goes back to the teenage years . Although part of it comes from a couple of my long life friends never married until the past few years into their 40's and had many periods of no luck with the ladies. They always felt people thought they were gay since they weren't married (paranoid I guess because they weren't ,not that there is anything wrong with it as Seinfeld said). Like I said, a dumb quirk!

 

[Webzter]

Man code also dictates leaving an open urinal space between you and another guy. Plenty of people have quirks.

Oh, and it's also impolite to urinate on the other dude's shoes, even if you don't like them and/or they're your boss. I have this fact on good authority from HR.

 

[veremchuka]

Wonderful post! I really feel like I know you a lot better after reading it.

You say "I wish I had a friend but that's never going to happen", and I think that it could happen but would require going out and finding one.

Do you ever worry about breaking a limb or getting sick, with nobody checking on you? That could be a big issue for some.

Thank you. It means a lot that you say that because after I posted this I felt like I was standing naked in front of a group of people! I never would have said any of this in person to anyone, it's too personal and it can make me look like I have problems. I have to say when I woke up this morning I felt odd. I may have opened a wound that I have to tend to, self psychiatric care, when I look at what I said I question am I happy? I think so but I do admit to sometimes wishing that I had someone in my life. But people carry baggage and from past relationships I view my situation better now as better. I answer to no one and I do deal with boredom and loneliness much better than most people would. Does this mean I have to go out and find someone? I hope not cuz that is going to be very difficult for me.

W2R, I am extremely healthy and active for my age. I discussed this in another thread and I'm invincible or so I think. One day you are going to be right, being alone can lead to serious risk since if I needed help there's no one that is in touch with me. That does worry me but like Rescueme said there is lifeline when I think that I need this type of contact. Now if I'm struck before I am in my 70's or 80's I may be unable to get that help, as I said this is worrisome if I dwell on it.

Sharing that took courage. Thank you.

Thanks as you can see from my reply to W2R it did!

We should have regional meet-ups for us introverts. But then.....would anyone come, or would we make excuses, "Erm, I'm really sorry, but I have to play with my cat and watch something on TV"

Yes, I have often thought this but as you say since the people targeted are so withdrawn they'd never muster the courage or desire to go!

Someone mentioned having the radio on for some sound. While I often am listening to local talk radio, I avoid the national shows except for John Gibson he's a hoot, when I turn off the radio you can hear the wood drying in here and I love the sound of silence. This is why I said where I am is not rural enough even tho I'm on a dirt road in a small town of 5600. If I could I'd live in the middle of 1000 acres and have the nearest person at least 5 miles away that would be great. All I want is access to a Chinese and pizza place for those times I want something different, my Chinese cooking is good but not as good as the Chinese restaurant's is!

I too wonder if this propensity to being a loner is partly responsible for our ability to FIRE?

 

[MasterBlaster]

Do you mean that you are afraid that anonymous people in the movie theater will think that you are gay? Or do you mean that you expect that they will think that you are gay, but wish them to know that the man you are with is not your BF?

Ha

perhaps the open seat is an invitation to have your way with that cute old man wearing the trenchcoat.

 

[Nuiloa]

I have to say when I woke up this morning I felt odd. I may have opened a wound that I have to tend to, self psychiatric care, when I look at what I said I question am I happy? I think so but I do admit to sometimes wishing that I had someone in my life. But people carry baggage and from past relationships I view my situation better now as better. I answer to no one and I do deal with boredom and loneliness much better than most people would. Does this mean I have to go out and find someone? I hope not cuz that is going to be very difficult for me.

I too wonder if this propensity to being a loner is partly responsible for our ability to FIRE?

I think it was awesome of you to let us in like that. And no - I don't think you need psychiatric care

I think a lot of us loners absorb the beer commercial ads that say that if you aren't partying all the time, there's something wrong with you. There's absolutely nothing wrong with living on your terms AS LONG AS YOU ARE HAPPY with your lifestyle decisions. That's what a lot of extroverts don't seem to get - they can't understand that being alone is our choice, not a choice that society made for us.

I chose to stop dating in my late 20s. I never wanted the whole marriage and baby thing, and after a few bad break-ups, I realized that it was stupid of me to date. After all the whole purpose of dating is eventually to find "Mr. (or Ms.) Right". If you aren't looking for Mr. R, then why bother doing through the emotional turmoil of dating? So I've been solo ever since and it is my lifestyle choice. I'm happy.

I also crave isolation at times and my personal fantasy is the deserted island on Castaway. With pizza delivery, of course. And a cat or two.

All that said, there is some good advice about putting something in place to protect yourself in case of emergency. Lifealert or some kind of panic button would work. May aunt had an arrangement with her nearest neighbors: she had to turn on her kitchen light at 6 pm to let them know she was ok. If they had not seen a light by 7, they would come over and check on her (and vice versa). It worked pretty well for her.

 

[haha]

Although part of it comes from a couple of my long life friends never married until the past few years into their 40's and had many periods of no luck with the ladies.

Just remember, no luck with women means only that the man is too nice.

Ha

 

[Nuiloa]

Nu, interesting that you dance but are an introvert--I totally "get" your idea that it is the costume that you don for the performance. I hoopdance and the hardest part about it is that people look at me, but I can block them out to enjoy it.

And lots and lots of us are introverts on this forum. I remember discussions of the ER personality type many times over here and the number of ISTJs and INTJs is staggering.

You'll do fine!

Hoopdancing would be cool! Good for you!

Being a newbie, I still haven't figured out the acronyms. What are ISTJs and INTJs?

Also FIRE (fixed income, retired early?) (financially independent, retired early?) (flaky, irresponsible, rowdy and eccentric?)

 

[Nodak]

I get the "when are you going to get married?" question from relatives all the time. I just tell them I'm going for my Uncle Walt's record; he married for the first time at 75 and was married for 20 years before he died.

 

[Nords]

After thinking about it, I think I used the wrong word. I'm not so much antisocial as just someone who needs a lot of time alone. I can last about 3 days in a "group" setting, then I have to go find a quiet spot on the beach. I'm never lonely.

Unfortunately, my closest friend is the type that can't do ANYTHING without an entourage and can't understand the need to be alone....EVER.

Sounds like you need a new "closest friend"...

The short answers to the questions:
1. This Atlantic article has been out for over eight years and is still getting followups from people who say "Finally someone understands me!":Caring for Your Introvert - Magazine - The Atlantic

2. Any book by Ernie Zelinski, although "How to Retire Happy, Wild, and Free" is probably most available at your local library.

3. Before ER, the question "What will I DO all day?!?" is one of the top three worries. After ER, everyone wonders what the heck they were worrying about. You sound capable of being responsible for your own entertainment, and you'll do fine. In fact your challenge will be NOT over-scheduling yourself.