Here's the situation. (Sorry it's so long)
MIL and FIL have lived with us part of the year for the past 5 years. They also have a share of a jersey shore house and are there 2 months of the year, and have a home in Kentucky. The six adult children live in 4 different states - 3 of whom live in PA, where MIL/FIL are from. MIL wants to move back there - but the support network (from the adult children) is really not there. Lots of reasons. Lots of excuses. But it's a fact.
FIL is in a wheel chair from a badly repaired broken hip, aphasia from the time of the hip surgery, and many suspected strokes since then. (CT scans indicate more strokes since the last head CT scan a few years ago.) FIL needs assistance with pretty much everything except feeding himself (if food is in front of him.) He needs help transferring to/from chair to bed. He needs help toileting, etc. He's 89 and getting weaker and less mobile. Cognitively, he's hardly there. He doesn't talk at all - hasn't for years other than grunts. He recognizes people, can play card games, but doesn't really engage with people around him other than smiles. His joys in life are food and old movies on tv. He's 89. Despite his mobility and cognitive issues... he's otherwise healthy. Good vitals, etc. He could outlive us all from that point of view.
MIL is 86 and getting weaker. She's getting more addled, but probably not enough to be declared cognitively impaired. She pays her bills on time and until recently was able to keep up, completely, with the care of FIL - with some assistance from my husband and sister in law (depending on which state she was in.) She would probably pass any psych test for cognition... She's "there" enough for that.
They own a home, free and clear, in the state my sister in law lives in - a few miles from my SIL's house.
We built an accessible detached 1 bedroom house on our lot to make it easier for MIL to care for FIL. It has worked well - but MIL doesn't want to be in California, where we live. When she left earlier this summer for her "annual migration", she informed us she was not coming back.
They are currently in Kentucky. Things are now approaching full crisis mode. We have an appointment with an elder care attorney later this week. But I'm looking for insight so I can ask important questions.
FIL ended up at the hospital because MIL was not administering his antibiotics and another ongoing prescription. She's distrustful of doctors and medicines and felt she knew better. The hospital is insisting on in-home health care or that he go to a nursing home. He had other issues that show she's not able to adequately care for him.
She flat out refuses either option (nursing home or in-home care). She feels she can care for him better than any doctor/hospital/nursing home. She does not want "strangers in her house". Adult Protective Services (APS) is in the picture because this is the third hospitalization in less than 3 months. He is being released tomorrow - AMA, because they want help in place before he's discharged... but also want to turf him to free up his bed. APS has mentioned making him a ward of the state if she doesn't comply. (Worst option.)
I've been reading up on conservatorships/guardianships. We're reaching a point where one of the adult children will need to get medical guardianship of FIL to make sure he's cared for. This is not optional. But MIL is blocking us at every turn. If she refuses in home care, he needs to be in a nursing home. Period.
She has full control of their assets.
But - with medicare spend down rules - she needs to actually PAY THE BILLS for in-home care or a nursing home. We're not at all certain she will. She is threatening to leave with him - to avoid APS and doctor's orders that she get help.
Has anyone dealt with guardianship of one parent, when the other parent is in the picture and not on board?
I've read through Nords very long thread about his issues with his dad. And talked to several friends who had guardianship - but it was always a single parent... never one where the community spouse was still in the picture.
Any advise/experience of what questions to ask the eldercare attorney?
MIL and FIL have lived with us part of the year for the past 5 years. They also have a share of a jersey shore house and are there 2 months of the year, and have a home in Kentucky. The six adult children live in 4 different states - 3 of whom live in PA, where MIL/FIL are from. MIL wants to move back there - but the support network (from the adult children) is really not there. Lots of reasons. Lots of excuses. But it's a fact.
FIL is in a wheel chair from a badly repaired broken hip, aphasia from the time of the hip surgery, and many suspected strokes since then. (CT scans indicate more strokes since the last head CT scan a few years ago.) FIL needs assistance with pretty much everything except feeding himself (if food is in front of him.) He needs help transferring to/from chair to bed. He needs help toileting, etc. He's 89 and getting weaker and less mobile. Cognitively, he's hardly there. He doesn't talk at all - hasn't for years other than grunts. He recognizes people, can play card games, but doesn't really engage with people around him other than smiles. His joys in life are food and old movies on tv. He's 89. Despite his mobility and cognitive issues... he's otherwise healthy. Good vitals, etc. He could outlive us all from that point of view.
MIL is 86 and getting weaker. She's getting more addled, but probably not enough to be declared cognitively impaired. She pays her bills on time and until recently was able to keep up, completely, with the care of FIL - with some assistance from my husband and sister in law (depending on which state she was in.) She would probably pass any psych test for cognition... She's "there" enough for that.
They own a home, free and clear, in the state my sister in law lives in - a few miles from my SIL's house.
We built an accessible detached 1 bedroom house on our lot to make it easier for MIL to care for FIL. It has worked well - but MIL doesn't want to be in California, where we live. When she left earlier this summer for her "annual migration", she informed us she was not coming back.
They are currently in Kentucky. Things are now approaching full crisis mode. We have an appointment with an elder care attorney later this week. But I'm looking for insight so I can ask important questions.
FIL ended up at the hospital because MIL was not administering his antibiotics and another ongoing prescription. She's distrustful of doctors and medicines and felt she knew better. The hospital is insisting on in-home health care or that he go to a nursing home. He had other issues that show she's not able to adequately care for him.
She flat out refuses either option (nursing home or in-home care). She feels she can care for him better than any doctor/hospital/nursing home. She does not want "strangers in her house". Adult Protective Services (APS) is in the picture because this is the third hospitalization in less than 3 months. He is being released tomorrow - AMA, because they want help in place before he's discharged... but also want to turf him to free up his bed. APS has mentioned making him a ward of the state if she doesn't comply. (Worst option.)
I've been reading up on conservatorships/guardianships. We're reaching a point where one of the adult children will need to get medical guardianship of FIL to make sure he's cared for. This is not optional. But MIL is blocking us at every turn. If she refuses in home care, he needs to be in a nursing home. Period.
She has full control of their assets.
But - with medicare spend down rules - she needs to actually PAY THE BILLS for in-home care or a nursing home. We're not at all certain she will. She is threatening to leave with him - to avoid APS and doctor's orders that she get help.
Has anyone dealt with guardianship of one parent, when the other parent is in the picture and not on board?
I've read through Nords very long thread about his issues with his dad. And talked to several friends who had guardianship - but it was always a single parent... never one where the community spouse was still in the picture.
Any advise/experience of what questions to ask the eldercare attorney?