Being a Caretaker for your Spouse

[harllee]

Thanks for all the suggestions --I will ask my neighbors to help me with the trash if they are able--one of them has also had knee replacement and the other needs it and in fact I normally help them with their trash because I am the healthiest! I will also ask on Next-door for suggestions, maybe there is a neighbor kid I can employ. There is no option in my town for the trash men to roll it around.

Regarding my concern about not letting unvaccinated people in my house--DH has an autoimmune disease (psoriatic arthritis--that is the reason he had to have knee replacement) and his doctor is concerned that the vaccine was not effective for him.

 

[Amethyst]

Then he most definitely needs to mask up when, inevitably, strangers are in the home. But you knew that

Hope he is up and about soon!

T

Regarding my concern about not letting unvaccinated people in my house--DH has an autoimmune disease (psoriatic arthritis--that is the reason he had to have knee replacement) and his doctor is concerned that the vaccine was not effective for him.

 

[Nick12]

When my father was at stage 4 COPD, I FIRE'D a few years ago because I could and moved in with him and I was his caregiver for 6 months. It was the most rewarding job I've ever done before he passed. RIP Pa.

 

[aja8888]

I had my hip replaced last year at 77 years old. DW (@75) took care of me and she is handicapped (COPD on O2 100%). We got by. A friend walked our dog each day and we ordered groceries from Walmart and DW or a neighbor picked them up. Our cleaning service came in each week to do whatever.

After two weeks I was OK. But a new knee is harder to recover from.

 

[harllee]

Then he most definitely needs to mask up when, inevitably, strangers are in the home. But you knew that

Hope he is up and about soon!

Yes, of course we continue to mask up whenever we go out and if someone comes into our house (and we are asking that everyone who comes into our house wear a mask). I can see us continuing to wear masks inside crowded places forever because DH easily catches all sorts of viruses like cold and flu.
I am getting negative feedback about asking potential employees who will come into our house if they are vaccinated. Is there some rule that says I cannot require anyone I hire to be vaccinated?

 

[Jerry1]

Thanks for all the suggestions --I will ask my neighbors to help me with the trash if they are able--one of them has also had knee replacement and the other needs it and in fact I normally help them with their trash because I am the healthiest! I will also ask on Next-door for suggestions, maybe there is a neighbor kid I can employ. There is no option in my town for the trash men to roll it around.

Maybe you can pool some money with your neighbors and hire someone local to come and take out all of yours garbage and bring the cans back the next day. It would be more worthwhile to do 10 houses real close to each other for $50 a week versus trying to get someone to do one for $5.

 

[W2R]

Thanks for all the good suggestions. DH is starting to be able to do somethings for himself, like dress himself, but I need to help him shower but he does not do that every day.

During my recovery from TKR surgery, I did sponge baths until I was permitted to get into the shower. Then after that it took a while longer until I could actually do that safely, so I continued with sponge baths. No fun at all! When I felt ready to try getting into the shower and showering by myself, Frank insisted on being here and sitting close enough to hear me if I called, so that he could come and rescue me or call 911 if necessary.

I was very proud when I became able to get in the shower safely all by myself. For a few weeks after we were sure I could do this, I still took my cell phone and reading glasses, and put them on something low just outside the shower while I was showering. This was so I could reach the phone from the shower floor if I fell, and call him if necessary. But I never fell and it was never an issue.

He never had to physically assist me to get in or out of the shower, or to wash myself while in the shower.

I can leave him to run errands while the PT is here. As for groceries, i have done Walmart pick up all along and like it but right now with my back i cannot get the groceries from the car up the 5 steps and into the house so that is why I want to do grocery delivery. I am going to try Whole Foods/Amazon Prime next. Fortunately money is not a huge issue.

Grocery delivery, or delivery of prepared food, is a good idea. I had pre-cooked meals in the freezer that I prepared before my surgery, and occasionally Frank brought me take-out.

I had a housekeeper I like pre Covid and I am trying to contact her but so far I have not been able to find her. We don't have any yard work so that is good.

No advice about that. I don't have a housekeeper. I'd suggest that while he is recovering, he's probably paying more attention to his knee than he is paying attention to how clean your floors are and so on. So if it was me, I'd just let it ride for now until your back is better.

I think I would be OK if my back had not started acting up (from having to lift DH's leg--fortunately he is lifting it now himself). I have a therapeutic message scheduled for tomorrow. I also have an appt with a back doctor but it is a month a way is the closest date I could get.

You have my sympathies! Back pain can be so bad. This seems to me like your number one problem by far, right now. I would suggest a heating pad and ice packs and tylenol, and that sort of thing, but you probably know what works for you and already have that.

Friends and the Church have been bringing us meals so that is a blessing.

Perfect!

I have already told DH if he needs to have his second knee done he has to wait until we get into the CCRC (we are on the waiting list).

Hopefully things will get sorted out before then. In my case, I planned to have my second knee done ASAP but much to my surprise I didn't need it. When one knee had surgery and was strong, it was so much help to the other one that I have less pain and I am much more stable even without the second surgery.

 

[Bamaman]

The problem with joint surgeries is that often you will have numerous ailments--often on the same side of your body.

For example, my wife had a number of cortisone injections in her right knee over the years. After years of misery, she had the knee replacement. Then her right shoulder went out, and it was 6 months before she regained 75%. But she still suffers nights with that shoulder. Then arthritis took over, and she couldn't walk on the right foot. Orthopedic surgeon told her she has the worse feet he's ever seen, and that foot surgery may take a year to get over.

Pain speaks, and when you're miserable it's time to get something done about it. Don't try to be a He Man and work through the pain. Seldom does someone just get arthritis in one place. Look for it to pop up in the other knee as you will have to favor it in order to get strength in the new knee. Good luck with your DH's recovery.

 

[Koolau]

Suggestion: Spring for a Roomba or a clone. If it doesn't make you crazy watching it, it WILL eventually get to most places. Not perfect - nothing is, but you'll know MOST floor surfaces will be clean. Then, if you need HK services, let them concentrate on the corners and wet areas (kitchen, bath.)

Our Roomba DOES make me crazy, but it works. YMMV

 

[W2R]

Suggestion: Spring for a Roomba or a clone. If it doesn't make you crazy watching it, it WILL eventually get to most places. Not perfect - nothing is, but you'll know MOST floor surfaces will be clean. Then, if you need HK services, let them concentrate on the corners and wet areas (kitchen, bath.)

Our Roomba DOES make me crazy, but it works. YMMV

I wonder if this may be a less than great idea given that her husband has just gone through knee replacement surgery. One of the preparations the hospital instructed us to do before TKR surgery, was to remove anything at all that we could trip over. No throw rugs, no furniture sticking out that we could run into, no miscellaneous items on the floor. I'd hate for him to trip over the Roomba and fall on his new knee.

I have heard that they are wonderful, though! IIRC Moemg liked hers a lot.

 

[Koolau]

I wonder if this may be a less than great idea given that her husband has just gone through knee replacement surgery. One of the preparations the hospital instructed us to do before TKR surgery, was to remove anything at all that we could trip over. No throw rugs, no furniture sticking out that we could run into, no miscellaneous items on the floor. I'd hate for him to trip over the Roomba and fall on his new knee.

I have heard that they are wonderful, though! IIRC Moemg liked hers a lot.

Heh, heh, you'd never "accidentally" trip over it! It makes WAY more noise than I would have guessed. If it runs into you, it stops and either goes the other way or tries again to "run you down." BUT it won't take you by surprise.

It's way too small to take your leg out from under you though I suppose it might use it's little whirly-thingy to go for your bare toe. Ideally, you'd just let it run free when you go to PT or to the doc. Not so much to protect you but to keep you from getting upset with its antics. I hate being around it, but it does actually work and would worry infinitely more about throw rugs or other trip hazards. YMMV

 

[harllee]

I wonder if this may be a less than great idea given that her husband has just gone through knee replacement surgery. One of the preparations the hospital instructed us to do before TKR surgery, was to remove anything at all that we could trip over. No throw rugs, no furniture sticking out that we could run into, no miscellaneous items on the floor. I'd hate for him to trip over the Roomba and fall on his new knee.

I have heard that they are wonderful, though! IIRC Moemg liked hers a lot.

Since knee replacement DH does not get around our Rosie Robovac--he stays in the bed or in his chair while it is running. I stay with Rosie and guide her with the remote, I do not let her go around willy nilly. Rosie has been a life saver for me. The floors were one of DH's jobs and now Rosie has taken that over. I wish I had a Robot to do other things like laundry and grocery shopping

 

[W2R]

Since knee replacement DH does not get around our Rosie Robovac--he stays in the bed or in his chair while it is running. I stay with Rosie and guide her with the remote, I do not let her go around willy nilly. Rosie has been a life saver for me. The floors were one of DH's jobs and now Rosie has taken that over. I wish I had a Robot to do other things like laundry and grocery shopping

So glad that tripping over Rosie hasn't been an issue! Not having one, I had no idea.

One of my happiest milestones of the recovery period after my TKR surgery, was nine days after surgery when I was able to start doing my own laundry again! I wheeled my laundry basket into the laundry room, put the laundry through the washer and dryer, and then wheeled it back to the bedroom and put it all away where it belonged. That wore me out for the rest of the day, but such sweet victory!

For some reason I felt bad/embarrassed about Frank doing my dirty laundry after my surgery even though I think he only had to do it once and he was more than willing to help. I washed everything right before surgery.

Every knee, every surgeon, and every surgery is different so I don't mean to imply that your DH should be feeling well enough to help out yet. I probably just lucked out. You and he are the experts on how much he can or should be doing at any given time.

As for grocery shopping, I had enough pre-cooked meals in the freezer that I made before surgery, to last me several weeks. I intended to warm them up in the microwave but I admit that those first few days when I was feeling so rocky, I didn't bother and ate them cold. Anyway no grocery shopping during recovery, for me. Then just six months after surgery the pandemic hit and I never really got back into shopping at the grocery store regularly.

 

[harllee]

Regarding the laundry--I have engaged a service that comes to my house and picks up the laundry and washes and folds it and brings it back 3 days later. Kind of pricey but at this point I need all the help I can get. I just don't think DH can help with the laundry right now.

I just got back from a back massage and it seems to have helped my painful back. It was not one of these relaxing Swedish massages. It was a trigger point massage that was painful at times. But right now my back feels better.

 

[Jerry1]

I just got back from a back massage and it seems to have helped my painful back. It was not one of these relaxing Swedish massages. It was a trigger point massage that was painful at times. But right now my back feels better.

I’ve had a few massages, but only one that was actually worth it. We were on vacation at a resort in AZ. The masseuse was explaining how tight and knitted my back was and that she wanted to get serious on my back. It hurt at the time and it hurt the next day, but very soon after, my back felt better than it had in years. I wish I had got her name. There were times where I seriously would have jumped on a plane and gone to AZ to see her again. I never found anyone in MI that even came close. Hope yours continues to feel better.

 

[harllee]

Hey --maybe we should start a thread on massages, I have had some great ones!

 

[Amethyst]

I never enjoyed grocery shopping to begin with. Curbside pickup, when it works as intended, has been such a time-saver. I dread the day when stores start charging for it.

Of course Harllee needs delivery, not pickup, but same difference: It will save precious time she needs to do other things, exercise, or rest.

Anyway no grocery shopping during recovery, for me. Then just six months after surgery the pandemic hit and I never really got back into shopping at the grocery store regularly.

 

[daylatedollarshort]

Regarding the laundry--I have engaged a service that comes to my house and picks up the laundry and washes and folds it and brings it back 3 days later. Kind of pricey but at this point I need all the help I can get. I just don't think DH can help with the laundry right now.

I just got back from a back massage and it seems to have helped my painful back. It was not one of these relaxing Swedish massages. It was a trigger point massage that was painful at times. But right now my back feels better.

It you have trigger points, there are many tools on Amazon so you can work on those on your own at home. I especially like the little round, spiney acupressure balls. Or for the back, hard foam rollers also work well. I've been brought back from extreme pain several times by acupressure tools and massage balls, foam rollers, moist heat packs and yoga therapy books.

Besides a vacuuming Roomba, I have a robotic mopper that works great.

For the garbage cans, if you are on Nextdoor, I would just ask some neighbors or pay a student to help. We having been helping older neighbors with tasks like that for years and don't mind.

For groceries, I buy most staples these days online from Walmart have have them shipped. For fresh and frozen goods one of my friends has been very happy with Instacart. You don't have to get everything from one place so can take advantage of sale prices at different stores as long as you meet the Instacart minimum. In our area there are some ethnic stores on there with great prices on produce. Some stores have Instacart markup over their regular prices and some don't so you might want see if you switch stores or do multiple stores can you make the prices come out a bit better.

 

[W2R]

Regarding the laundry--I have engaged a service that comes to my house and picks up the laundry and washes and folds it and brings it back 3 days later. Kind of pricey but at this point I need all the help I can get. I just don't think DH can help with the laundry right now.

I just got back from a back massage and it seems to have helped my painful back. It was not one of these relaxing Swedish massages. It was a trigger point massage that was painful at times. But right now my back feels better.

So glad to read that you hired a laundry service, and got a back massage! Hope your back continues to feel better.

 

[harllee]

daylate, thanks for the advice on the trigger point tools, I will look into that. The massage therapist also used some sort of trigger point handheld machine.

I also use Walmart delivery for nonperishables. They are very reliable and most items come in 2 days. I have had a bad experience with Instacart. This past week I got an Instacart delivery that was missing several items that I was charged for anyway. I am still battling Instacart for a refund--they want to give me a credit on my Instacart account instead of a credit on my credit card. Since I don't plan to use Instacart again because of poor service I want the credit on my card. I may have to do a charge back on my credit card.

 

[daylatedollarshort]

daylate, thanks for the advice on the trigger point tools, I will look into that. The massage therapist also used some sort of trigger point handheld machine.

I also use Walmart delivery for nonperishables. They are very reliable and most items come in 2 days. I have had a bad experience with Instacart. This past week I got an Instacart delivery that was missing several items that I was charged for anyway. I am still battling Instacart for a refund--they want to give me a credit on my Instacart account instead of a credit on my credit card. Since I don't plan to use Instacart again because of poor service I want the credit on my card. I may have to do a charge back on my credit card.

We don't use Instacart ourselves any more and I get your point. We've been doing mostly grocery pick up from Sam's Club and Whole Foods these days, but we do have to bring the groceries in from the car ourselves. Today we used Target pick up as I just realized the Target near us now has pickup for fresh and frozen groceries. It used to be staples only. That went smoothly. Target also uses an Instacart competitor called Shipt for delivery, though we have never tried them so I don't know if they are better than Instacart.

 

[daylatedollarshort]

daylate, thanks for the advice on the trigger point tools, I will look into that. The massage therapist also used some sort of trigger point handheld machine.

If you type phrases like "best selling Amazon xxxxx" into Google, where xxxx is something like acupressure tools, trigger point books or massage tools you can get a list back of their best sellers. I had some pain issues this year and bought a variety of the tools this way and most of them really were helpful. One doctor appointment might be $100 - $200 on my high deductible health plan, which means I can buy quite a few books and tools that I can use forever for the price of one doctor appointment.

I don't have a trigger point machine but if you find one that helps, let me know and I'll buy one, too.

 

[Calico]

DH recently had total knee replacement surgery. After a couple of set backs he is doing OK but it is going to be a while before he can take care of himself and do things like drive etc. In the meantime I am his caretaker and it is about to run me ragged. I am age 70 and am starting to have health problems myself (especially my back). I am trying to figure out how to get help. I am trying to find a housekeeper (I would like one that is vaccinated), I am sending laundry out, I am trying to find a good grocery delivery service (tried Wegmans yesterday--they use Instacart and it was very expensive and they did not do a good job).

I know some of you are caretakers for your spouses and I was wondering if you have any suggestions for me. Thanks!

Since March of 2020 I have been having groceries delivered from the Whole Foods store in Chapel Hill.

I order via my Amazon Prime account. There is no delivery fee if you meet the minimum order, which I always do (I think it's $35).

The delivery person brings the groceries right to my front stoop. I could not be more pleased. They have never made a mistake; the fresh fruit and veggies are excellent quality; they send multiple texts to update me (one to let me know they have started shopping; one to let me know they have finished shopping; one to let me know if anything was out of stock; one to let me know the driver is on the way; one to let me know the order has been delivered). When they text to say the driver is on the way, I can track them in real time on the map on the Amazon order page - it shows me exactly where they are, and how many stops they have before they get to me. This is particularly helpful when I have ordered frozen items.

There is a spot on the Amazon page when you place the order where you can provide special delivery instructions (front door, back door, access codes, etc). I don't have to do this because I live in a small ranch house with two steps at the front door, so it's pretty obvious where to put the delivery! I'm always on the lookout for them anyway, so I can thank them in person (through the storm door due to Covid precautions).

I have never had a delivery person who wasn't wearing a mask. The website "recommends" a $5 tip, but I always double this - you can do it right online, and the site says the entire tip goes to the driver. As far as I'm concerned the delivery drivers have been risking their health to do this job during the pandemic, and I can afford to overtip for the luxury of having food delivered to my door.

I never used the service before the pandemic, but I intend to continue the service going forward. It saves me time, and is a huge convenience, and it also keeps me from making impulse buys at Whole Foods, which I was almost always guilty of when I shopped in person. Whole Foods bakery, I'm looking at you!

 

[ItsAllGood]

Regarding the trash/recycling- When my mom was no longer able to bring the large bins to the end of the driveway and back, I contacted her provider. They had a free service for such folks. Once registered, the truck driver(s) made the treck up the drive to get the bins, emptied them, and returned the bins to the spot up at the house. The bins just had to be accessible (no gates, etc). Worked great for 5+ years.

 

[Gulfbeach]

After my husband died, my two biggest, but most mundane, problems, were getting the trash and recycling down a sloping drive and back with my walker, and accessing our banked mailboxes a block away.
Both of these were solved by a certain amount of paperwork and a lot of help from both the SoIid Waste department in my city and the USPS. I have been more than pleased with both of them and really appreciate their help.