Brother's Keeper

[Choices]

This ALMOST happened to us this past week! My husband felt sorry for an acquaintance and offered trips to and from hospital for a somewhat minor surgery. Prior to surgery date, the “patient” asked if he could stay at our house for a few days post surgery! What? I was the bad guy and said no, but we would call and check on him.
Come to find out, this is his operating model and he is hard to get to return home! Apparently pulls this stunt every couple of years.
We dodged a bullet!

 

[spncity]

Why is his health insurance not paying for some in-home rehabilitation?

 

[corn18]

Can you move into his 3rd floor condo while he recovers at your house alone?

 

[GravitySucks]

Why is his health insurance not paying for some in-home rehabilitation?

Also, no smoking. Period. It slows the recovery process.

 

[SnowBound]

He was in the hospital for three weeks? He must have been at death's door. What was he in for?

If you are complaining about the food there, how sick are you? If I'm overnighting in the hospital I'm going to be thankful to see the morning and every smiling face in the morning.

 

[starry night]

Mdlerth, consider the literary possibilities!

You are a marvelous writer. Your tale evokes humor, sympathy, suspense; not to mention family drama....maybe even crime and punishment.
I hope you might consider the possibilities of maintaining your sanity, and supplementing your income and inconvenience, by developing and marketing your story for publication.
At the very least, I see a reality show to pitch to the network.

Please keep the chapters coming!

 

[Mdlerth]

All the answers

Be prepared to hire some home care for him after the two months pass - at his own place. He WILL say that he can't be alone yet . . .

Now you mentioned that you are working. I am not clear whether DW will be home all day with DB . . . If so, you need to arrange for at least one day a week when she has no responsibilities.

Make DW walk a tightrope over the gorge of eternal peril? No, no, no! No way would I set up my sweetie for failure like that. She has not yet retired, so she has an escape during the day. In limited doses, our houseguest's flaws are tolerable. But all day every day? Not just No Way, but No F***ing Way.

This thread is reminding me to be thankful. There but for the grace of God.....

+1

Hey it's only been a few days not too later to set a few ground rules. Tell him you wanted him to rest for awhile but now it's time to talk house guests rules.

If he isn't doing rehab in two months he is not going to magically rise from your couch and be self-sufficient. Tell him his visit has an expiration date.

We began this discussion tonight over dinner. Talks continue in amicable fashion.

Why is his health insurance not paying for some in-home rehabilitation?

He gets all his medical care from the VA. But rehab in his home would not be possible anyway for some other reasons.

Can you move into his 3rd floor condo while he recovers at your house alone?

No can do. His condo is 150 miles from here. Couldn't manage the commute.

Also, no smoking. Period. It slows the recovery process.

DW and I declined to fetch him more cigarettes, so when his current stash runs out he's going cold turkey... at least that's the official position. But I know from long, frustrating experience that addiction is the mother of invention.

 

[Choices]

Auto accident? Shouldn’t auto ins being paying the bill and paying for after care?

 

[ownyourfuture]

Apparently, hospitals should recruit only nurses fresh from their centerfold photo shoots, hire celebrity chefs to prepare every meal to order, and provide a soundproofed individual suite to every patient in recovery.

The fact that no one has mentioned that paragraph, tells me I shouldn't.
But I can't help myself.
With what they charge, they should provide what the selfish pig expected

 

[Teacher Terry]

My advice is to develop a drinking problem for the next month)

 

[Katiek]

You have a kind heart. And it is good to be there for family, but there is no need to support his bad habits that have nothing to do with the accident. Can you be with him when ht visits his doctor (at least once) to get an objective view of what he should be doing for rehab and make sure you condition his stay on his fulfilling his responsibility to actively participate in the physical therapy on a reasonable schedule?


I would also be careful to watch how he interacts with DW - and make it clear that you are not going to put up with complaints, whining, subtle insults, demands for different food etc. Make sure she's not putting up with the behavior he exhibited at the hospital.

 

[MarieIG]

Oh, I'm glad to hear that the DW is not trapped there all day with the patient!

 

[Mdlerth]

This really is the smartest forum ever

If you are complaining about the food there, how sick are you? If I'm overnighting in the hospital I'm going to be thankful to see the morning and every smiling face in the morning.

I don't believe the hospital food was really a problem. Chuckanut's link about Crazymakers was spot on.

You are a marvelous writer. Your tale evokes humor, sympathy, suspense; not to mention family drama....maybe even crime and punishment.
I hope you might consider the possibilities of maintaining your sanity, and supplementing your income and inconvenience, by developing and marketing your story for publication.
At the very least, I see a reality show to pitch to the network.

Please keep the chapters coming!

Thank you for the kind commentary. I'd like to think people enjoy my posts, even when they disagree with something I submit.

I know a bit about writing, but very little about publishing. Maybe when this is over I can glean a few tips from Trombone Al. He has a lot of titles under his belt.

Auto accident? Shouldn’t auto ins being paying the bill and paying for after care?

He mentioned he is getting some benefit from insurance already, but I'm leaving that to him and his attorney.

I should mention he was hit from behind, which has the attorney filling his mind with thoughts of jackpot settlements. I don't think I'd be counting those chickens yet.

Apparently, hospitals should recruit only nurses fresh from their centerfold photo shoots, hire celebrity chefs to prepare every meal to order, and provide a soundproofed individual suite to every patient in recovery.

The fact that no one has mentioned that paragraph, tells me I shouldn't.
But I can't help myself.
With what they charge, they should provide what the selfish pig expected

If hospitals did provide all that, nobody would ever leave!

My advice is to develop a drinking problem for the next month)

I'm on it.

You have a kind heart. And it is good to be there for family, but there is no need to support his bad habits that have nothing to do with the accident. Can you be with him when ht visits his doctor (at least once) to get an objective view of what he should be doing for rehab and make sure you condition his stay on his fulfilling his responsibility to actively participate in the physical therapy on a reasonable schedule?


I would also be careful to watch how he interacts with DW - and make it clear that you are not going to put up with complaints, whining, subtle insults, demands for different food etc. Make sure she's not putting up with the behavior he exhibited at the hospital.

Two good points. His next Dr appt is still a couple of weeks away. I plan to be there. Anyway, he can't get there without me to drive him. I don't yet have any documentation on what his medical instructions are. According to him he's supposed to be simply resting his leg until all the stitches/screws/plates knit into place. Might be true, might not be. I'll find out in 2 weeks.

Also second that comment about interacting with DW. I want to help, but helping requires maintaining respectful, constructive rapport. That thought triggers a humorous memory: 50 years ago, my mother laying down the law to her five children. Tired of our complaints and weaseling and excuses, Mom planted her hands on her hips and firmly announced "This is a house, NOT a hotel!"

 

[ivinsfan]

OK, now I have the solution. Start talking to him about his insurance settlement all the time.
Throw in a few comments about how expensive a rehab facility is and how much it would have cost him. Turn up the AC, keep the house warm and start commenting about " everything is so expensive, I sure could use some extra money FROM SOMEWHERE."

 

[easysurfer]

You may need the Aunt Bee strategy:

 

[blueskyk]

Mdlerth – first let me say how much I enjoyed your off-road commentary on the Cain/Abel business. I’ll never read that passage quite the same now I myself think the older brother in the Prodigal Son parable never really comes home because of his great sense of entitlement and that the poor widow begging the judge for justice is actually God begging us to act justly and we are the reluctant judges (and the admonition to pray unceasingly is to soften our own hearts, not to overcome any reluctance on God's part).

Let me assure you my life was far more Job-like in experience, than patience. My DH1 ended up a sweet, kind child-like person and never argued or complained to me about anything. So, your situation sounds a lot more aggravating to me.

Lots of good ideas floating around here and I’d like to try and offer one more. Seems to me people who have a deep sense of entitlement remain in a child-like mentality about life. IMHO, you remain your brother’s keeper when you do not enable this. In fact, you lay the groundwork for him to struggle and balk and complain and find he is, perhaps, a better man than he may have thought.

So that’s my offering to the discussion, sort of a Compassion With Borders tenet.

Now – I don’t know what that means in terms of decision-making for you but I'm sure you will see it when the time comes.

May Mr. Frodo be with you!

 

[ckelly78z]

NO ONE smokes on my property....period !

I guess I would have never allowed this situation to start in the first place, but start making him slightly uncomfortable (turn off A/C in his room, and cut internet when you aren't home). If this doesn't work, amp it up a bit by getting creative.

 

[ivinsfan]

Mdlerth – first let me say how much I enjoyed your off-road commentary on the Cain/Abel business. I’ll never read that passage quite the same now I myself think the older brother in the Prodigal Son parable never really comes home because of his great sense of entitlement and that the poor widow begging the judge for justice is actually God begging us to act justly and we are the reluctant judges (and the admonition to pray unceasingly is to soften our own hearts, not to overcome any reluctance on God's part).

Let me assure you my life was far more Job-like in experience, than patience. My DH1 ended up a sweet, kind child-like person and never argued or complained to me about anything. So, your situation sounds a lot more aggravating to me.

Lots of good ideas floating around here and I’d like to try and offer one more. Seems to me people who have a deep sense of entitlement remain in a child-like mentality about life. IMHO, you remain your brother’s keeper when you do not enable this. In fact, you lay the groundwork for him to struggle and balk and complain and find he is, perhaps, a better man than he may have thought.

So that’s my offering to the discussion, sort of a Compassion With Borders tenet.

Now – I don’t know what that means in terms of decision-making for you but I'm sure you will see it when the time comes.

May Mr. Frodo be with you!

blueskyk, you have way experience with this then I do, but for my own peace of mind I quit trying to figure out why people act the way they do a long time ago.

Now I just concentrate on what I have to do to make it the best possible situation for me. With family members this is even more crucial since it's most likely going to be an ongoing situation.

 

[Teacher Terry]

I don’t see the issue with letting people smoke outside.

 

[RunningBum]

I don’t see the issue with letting people smoke outside.

Some of us are pretty sensitive to any cigarette smoke or remnants.

If windows are open, the smoke can easily drift in. It also means I don't want to go outside if they are out smoking.

What are they doing with the butts? If they keep them outside, there's a stale odor on the deck/porch. If they bring them inside, it's worse. Leave them out by the curb? That's litter. Put them in an outside garbage can? What if they don't fully extinguish, and cause a fire?

That said, I would and have let a short-term guest smoke outside. I would not agree to host a longer term guest if they planned to smoke on my premises.

 

[Nemo2]

What are they doing with the butts?

From observation it appears smokers believe that flicking their butts causes them to disappear forever into the cosmos - non-smokers know otherwise.

 

[Teacher Terry]

I have asthma and am very allergic to smoke.

 

[RunningBum]

I'm not allergic, just sensitive to it. Here's another one, smoke gets in their clothes, then they bring that smell inside. If they were wearing a coat, the smell is in their coat, and any coats hanging by it picks up that smell.

Just not something I want to deal with, if I have a choice. At my house, I have more than a choice, I have a say in the matter. In fact, I have the say.

 

[Aerides]

I don’t see the issue with letting people smoke outside.

But this isn't simply the case of a beloved, welcomed, invited, brief house guest who wants to sneak out for a quick puff. This is someone who knows they are imposing, who cries weakness before they'll make themselves a cup of coffee, but can make it up and out for a smoke? Nope lol, not my house.

If someone is in my home as a guest for the purpose of getting healthy, quickly, then it's silly of them to smoke and will delay or derail that goal.

That aside, I hate the smell. It wafts in, and smokers carry it with them on their clothes - granted some more than others. Don't know why but some people who smoke I can tell from a mile away. Others no clue.

 

[Teacher Terry]

Smoking is a very powerful addiction. My sister smoked heavily until finally succeeded in quitting for good at 60. She never smelled like smoke because she changed her clothes every day and never smoked in her bedroom. If you do that your clothes absorb the smoke. I am not saying that the guy is not a pain however telling someone that they cannot smoke outside once they arrive is not right. You need to tell them in advance because I guarantee that a addicted person will just not suddenly see the light and instantly quit smoking. If they did they would probably be so unpleasant you would be begging them to start again. So you tell them ahead of time and I guaranteed they will make other arrangements. Luckily I never smoked but I have been on that journey with many and it’s not easy.