Feeling sad in retirement

[vafoodie]

It's been over a year now since I retired from teaching, and I'm still feeling lost. My husband also just retired and is all giddy about being retired, but I'm desperately missing a work family and a routine. The year after I retired, I subbed, tutored, and worked for another education adjacent company, but the summer finds me sitting around feeling useless. All the decluttering I should be doing just remains undone. The routine I want for myself is to get up, tidy for a solid couple of hours, go to the gym, read for a few hours, cook dinner, watch some tv. What I usually do is get up and doom scroll the day away, maybe go to the gym (getting better with that), worry about stupid stuff.
Any words of advice or encouragement?

 

[street]

Not much advice but life is so short, and I personally take advantage of every minute I have each day and enjoy it some way somehow.

I have picked new thing to do and to learn about during them in retirement and go do it. I wish you the best and hope you find that balance and love for new things to discover.

Retirement isn't the end but the beginning.

 

[cyber888]

Well, as the saying goes, your work is not you. Maybe you can do some meditation on what your next goal is. Do you travel - maybe that can keep the boredom out.

 

[Sue J]

The doom scrolling can be a real joy killer. So easy to getting sucked into the internet.

I suggest taking a break from all that. Maybe you can't go without your computer or phone or tablet or whatever you are using but put a time limit on it. I seem to need about 20 minutes to do all the important stuff like banking, checking email and a few other things. After that I know I'm wasting time. Sure, I enjoy it but I feel so much better and get more done if I get away from it.

Make a plan that includes a bit of time on the internet and then make yourself walk away!

 

[aja8888]

It's been over a year now since I retired from teaching, and I'm still feeling lost. My husband also just retired and is all giddy about being retired, but I'm desperately missing a work family and a routine. The year after I retired, I subbed, tutored, and worked for another education adjacent company, but the summer finds me sitting around feeling useless. All the decluttering I should be doing just remains undone. The routine I want for myself is to get up, tidy for a solid couple of hours, go to the gym, read for a few hours, cook dinner, watch some tv. What I usually do is get up and doom scroll the day away, maybe go to the gym (getting better with that), worry about stupid stuff.
Any words of advice or encouragement?

Are you depressed (common)? If so, lots of options here (medication, group therapy, etc).

 

[OldShooter]

Try these guys: https://www.redcross.org/local/virginia.html The Red Cross has an incredible range of volunteer jobs and they do an outstanding job of managing and appreciating the volunteers. You might like teaching some of the classes Red Cross offers, or providing emergency assistance to local families displaced by home fires, or you may be interested in deploying to disasters anywhere in the country. I just got an email yesterday saying that they need 41 Disaster Assessment workers (a speciality I have trained in) in Kentucky. Unfortunately I can't go, but there are many disaster support specialties and a seemingly unending need for volunteers. Check here too: https://www.redcross.org/volunteer/become-a-volunteer.html#step1

 

[vafoodie]

Thanks! The volunteering part is definitely a missing piece in my retirement puzzle. My husband and I are looking into helping with Meals on Wheels. This looks like a great option too. Helping out in KY would be great as we have family from there.

 

[vafoodie]

Quite possibly depressed, but I've managed it well enough with meds. Not working always makes things worse. I have a good friend who straight up has breakdowns every time she stops working. Need to look into a med change.

 

[aja8888]

Quite possibly depressed, but I've managed it well enough with meds. Not working always makes things worse. I have a good friend who straight up has breakdowns every time she stops working. Need to look into a med change.

My DW got depressed after she retired. Meds helped a lot, but seemed to have lost their effectiveness over time. She just hung in there and got busy with a church group and made some new friends which has really helped her. It wouldn't hurt to revisit the med issue.

 

[StillFiguringItOut]

Perhaps start your day with your exercise. That might give you an immediate sense of accomplishment and make you feel better at the same time.

 

[gayl]

Being financially ready to retire is not the same as being emotionally ready to retire. I second volunteering in either your field or another. Perhaps picking an opportunity that has regular hours. I ran a kitchen for 5 yrs -- Friday & Saturday mornings and appreciated the routine.

 

[Aerides]

The routine I want for myself is to get up, tidy for a solid couple of hours, go to the gym, read for a few hours, cook dinner, watch some tv. What I usually do is get up and doom scroll the day away, maybe go to the gym (getting better with that), worry about stupid stuff.
Any words of advice or encouragement?

the only way to get into a new routine is to actually do it. For 3 weeks. Despite inertia, weather, your mood, what you ate that morning, whatever. Force yourself. Then one day you won't have to force it. I mean even if it's just going to the gym, not going is a lot easier than going. So you go, and go again, and then it becomes habit. There is no magical motivation outside of yourself that will really work.

Personally, if I had your list I would do the gym first as that will have benefits all day long, and it's harder to go later in the day. I'd also structure the tidying thing: pick rooms and projects to tackle that are manageable in a few hours, put them on a list or calendar.. (ie, tuesday is the hallway closet, wednesday is the medicine cabinet).

As far as doomscrolling, find a substitute - journaling, gardening, walking, etc.

 

[bearkeley]

“The routine I want for myself is to get up, tidy for a solid couple of hours, go to the gym, read for a few hours, cook dinner, watch some tv.”

If I recall correctly from your earlier posts, this wasn’t exactly what you had planned for your retirement. Wasn’t extended travel in your plans? If DH didn’t retire at the same time, I can see why this wasn’t an option so maybe it’s time to revisit now that he’s retired? Covid certainly made it tough, but we are just completing our first 3 month trip internationally since Covid and it’s nice to be able to do it again!

If what you really want in life is the routine you mentioned and have a work family again, then it is absolutely ok. If however you think it could be depression or just a slump, then going to your doctor and getting encouragement from this group is definitely the right thing to do! Good luck and know we are here for ya!

 

[Pointby2]

I'd encourage you to use the internet to find more joy. Find all the museums in your area and make a plan to visit them. Find what hiking areas are nearby and go hike them. Find the best restaurants in your area and make plans to try them. Look for exciting cities to visit and go drive or fly there. There's a huge unexplored world right outside your door.

 

[RobbieB]

Sometimes I feel like doing nothing and I do. Then I get tired of doing nothing and do something.

Just think of something you would like to do tonight and tomorrow go do it.

 

[daylatedollarshort]

How is your diet and digestion? Many nutritional deficiencies can lead to depression - Depression - Food for the Brain.

"It is important to consider nutrition with regards to depression, with regards to essential building blocks – macronutrients (carbohydrates, proteins and fats) and micronutrients (e.g vitamins and minerals) that the body requires to make neurotransmitters and hormones responsible for a balanced mood. Exercise is also very important because regular exercise can exert a positive effect on mood, especially if it is done outdoors in a green environment. Even a mindful walk in the park or a stroll by the river is thought to be beneficial."

Making more social connections may also help. Good Social Relationships Are The Most Consistent Predictor of a Happy Life - https://thriveglobal.com/stories/relationships-happiness-well-being-life-lessons/ - A Harvard study on adult development (considered to be the most extended study, which started in 1938, tracked the lives of 724 men for 75 years) found that good relationships are the key factors that matter the most for long-lasting happiness.

 

[Irishgirlyc58]

I second going to the gym first.
I take a walk every day for about 45 minutes. I’m hoping to gradually increase that to 1 hour. I listen to audio books or true crime podcasts.
But I have to do this first thing in the morning- which for me is 8 ish.
If I have my coffee first then I usually do nothing all day. It’s weird.
I also don’t turn on the tv until the evening usually after 7. Unless I put on a baseball game for background.
I find watching tv all day to be depressing. I can read a book all day though and feel great.

I hope you find your grove but as others have said- if you are depressed have a discussion with your doctor.

It’s a transition time for sure.
I’ve been retired since late last December and I’m still floundering on some days.

 

[Teacher Terry]

I felt lost when I first retired. Then I was offered the opportunity to teach a online college class which I did for 8 years and I also did some consulting. Teaching was new for me. I tried volunteering but many of the same annoyances that accompanies paid work also occurred in volunteering. 2 years ago all my paid work ended but by then I was 66 so adjusted. I also decluttered after retirement. I liked to dedicate a few entire days to the job so I could accomplish a lot.

 

[Carol1862]

You mention decluttering. By nature, I’m a very organized person but working FT didn’t leave a lot of free time to truly declutter and organize. I looked forward to certain projects. Since they were a bit overwhelming I broke them down, took my time and felt a huge accomplishment after completing them. It’s a nice way to appreciate retirement. After all, I couldn’t get these projects done if I was still working.

On the other hand, my DH started to do consulting work and still does. He loves it and feels a bit lost (and maybe bored, unfulfilled) without it. It’s part time, his own hours and extremely rewarding.

We each have to find what satisfies us. If you love teaching then perhaps staying with the subbing. Maybe you just aren’t ready to completely be retired.

 

[target2019]

Quite possibly depressed, but I've managed it well enough with meds. Not working always makes things worse. I have a good friend who straight up has breakdowns every time she stops working. Need to look into a med change.

If the problem was there before retirement, then you need to find the underlying source.

It sounds like you miss the previous days when you had so much paperwork and prep to do.

I am watching a similar person get used to retirement for a month. She needs to get up at 6AM and do yoga, then walk or run for 5 miles. Gets home and looks at the phone and goes outside to attend to the plants and hummingbirds. After breakfast (lol) she goes up to face the internet in her office. At some point she moves into the sewing room to work on the quilt. By this time I am very tired and sit in the recliner. She takes a call and requests previous supervisor to send a letter of recommendation. Sends that off to part-time job she is working on...

We're all different, right?

 

[MBAustin]

I find that putting appointments on my calendar for things I really want to do makes it more likely that I do them. The reminder pops up an hour before so I then make an effort to prepare myself to do the thing. Also I set a timer when I want to limit how long I do something (or to make myself do something good for at least a minimum amount of time). Something about that puts me into a "w*rk-like" discipline and often after a few days (or weeks, as Rodi said) of doing it that way, I find myself back in a better routine. Which reminds me, I need to put "gym" on my calendar as I have been there only once during pandemic times and now that I don't have any travel or other major commitments on my calendar I'm not so terrified of getting COVID from things like that.

 

[daylatedollarshort]

I find that putting appointments on my calendar for things I really want to do makes it more likely that I do them. The reminder pops up an hour before so I then make an effort to prepare myself to do the thing. Also I set a timer when I want to limit how long I do something (or to make myself do something good for at least a minimum amount of time). Something about that puts me into a "w*rk-like" discipline and often after a few days (or weeks, as Rodi said) of doing it that way, I find myself back in a better routine. Which reminds me, I need to put "gym" on my calendar as I have been there only once during pandemic times and now that I don't have any travel or other major commitments on my calendar I'm not so terrified of getting COVID from things like that.

We also like to put some fun things on the calendar to do each week, like a garden visit, attending a play and dinner with friends. I find it fun having things to look forward to. We also usually belong to several clubs, and have made most of our retirement friends from the clubs. I am not very involved in the clubs any more, but they are always there as an option. Our local senior clubs have dinner groups, card games, wine tasting, hikes, bocce ball and many other activities, for times when our friends and family aren't around and we need to find something to do.

 

[tmitchell]

I can appreciate OP's position, and am glad to read all of your responses.

I am officially 6 months post-j.o.b., and it's definitely been a transition. I didn't feel any sense of joy until about 2 weeks ago when something lifted for a bit, like coming out of the clouds. I've read many accounts of the transition taking a year or more, so that may be part of what we're going through. I was one of those people who were pretty identified with my career so letting go of that identity is something I'm still working through.

I did find after my first month or so that putting a regular schedule together helps, as others here have indicated. I try to follow the wise advise of others who put their health first, so make it a point to exercise for at least one hour every morning. I switch up yoga, gym, hiking to keep the variety going and to make sure I leave the house at least once per day! Being somewhat introverted, the pandemic made it very easy for me to just hole up at home which isn't healthy mentally.

I also include learning a foreign language and meet on zoom with a tutor 2x/week. This is to keep learning and expanding my horizons. I also read some difficult material every day and have started trying to incorporate some kind of creative work as well.

Socializing has been hard, I must say. Virtually all of my friends still have jobs & kids, and I haven't found any new friends in my vicinity. Granted I live in LA and making friends is not easy in this city. I do have some connections online but it's not enough. My SO is still working as well, so I am often faced with having to do things alone which isn't always as fun. For instance, I've been wanting to do some camping and yesterday I had to force myself to pull the trigger on reservations knowing I'll be going alone. The trade off is that I love being in nature, so I'm hoping it will be satisfying.

Anyway this is an interesting journey. I wish you luck!

 

[sengsational]

I've been retired 8+ years and I also had a bit of a problem like yours at first. Sorry to hear it's being stubborn to let the positives through for you too. Looking back, it seemed I had an idea of how it was "supposed to be", and it didn't align with that idea; I realized all the stuff I'd "wanted to do, but didn't have time", was stuff I just didn't want to do, hehehe! There's a guy, Oliver Burkeman, who wrote a book recently: "Four Thousand Weeks: Time Management for Mortals", which you might read. It's less about typical ideas of being more efficient, and more about getting comfortable with what we decide to pursue. That's because, each decision means we necessarily close off miriad other possibilities, which sometimes nags at us.

 

[pacergal]

Why did you retire? What were/are you looking forward too in retirement?

Many people work well into their elder years, some because they need to financially, some cause they love what they do. If you truly miss teaching and feel lost, go back to work if you wish too. Teaching is a career with many times off during the year where you and your DH could do the traveling, etc that DH may want to do in his retirement.

Have you read Ernie Zelinski book "How to Retire Happy, Wild and Free"? It has a great exercise in the Get A Life tree exercise to explore all of the things you may want to do or have wanted to do in the past.

I am someone who likes order in my day, so when I first retired, I had a calendar of "things" to get done each day, whether it is simply watering the garden, housework, reading, going to the gym, it gets ticked off--lol. Small things, but I had a sense of accomplishment.
It didn't take too long before those lists were gone and now I simply enjoy doing whatever I want too, when I want too!

Retirement is wonderful, but I think you have to be ready for it. Maybe you aren't just yet?
Do take care and check in with your provider if you feel your depression may be worsening.