So, I hear what you're saying about how you know you're being controlling and it's not good....you don't feel good about it, your wife doesn't feel good about it, but that's the current dynamic that's formulated because you felt the urgent need to take charge because your wife wouldn't be responsible.
I'm basically you in DH's and my relationship. Not just with finances, with a lot of things. And I've learned to catch myself in it early on, stop the behavior, communicate my inclinations and that I know it's my problem, and then make a conscious effort to let it go. Sometimes I might ask him if he has a plan regarding The Thing, and he'll indulge me with details so I can feel reassured that I don't need to jump in and save the day, he's perfectly capable himself.
But it's
his ideas and
his plans that he's putting together to approach whatever the thing is
his way, which is often quite different from my way. After several rounds of this early on I noticed he has a completely different style to approaching things, that helped me relax more and just appreciate our differences. It still means he'll make mistakes at the thing, as would I, but that's how you learn anything in life.
The thing is, and it sounds like you're similar--I don't actually
want to be in control. But if I feel DH is not likely to 100% prioritize something I find crucial, I naturally step in and take over, without even really thinking that much. Without even minding at first. I subconsciously feel it's what I must do to keep myself safe. And he lets me not because he's a pushover (he isn't) but because he want me to be happy and in the moment he assumes that letting me go all control freak is achieving that.
I just wanted to let you know you aren't alone in this. For me it really came down to learning to appreciate our differences and give DH space to navigate life his way, which I discovered is always ultimately more fun and relaxed for both of us than him trying to jump unfamiliar hoops with my approaches. For example now we have fun money in our budget, and DH spends his pretty quick and often shares about what he's excited to be spending it on. I love watching how his eyes light up and he gets so excited about being able to pursue hobbies and such. I'm happy he's discovering joyful things. Whereas I....I don't know what to even DO with fun money. I feel paralyzed. All I can think of is "wouldn't this be better put towards savings?"
Thus, DH has taken to mercilessly poking fun at me for my ever accumulating fun money in lighthearted moments. Other times I'll wistfully comment about something non-essential that costs money and he'll catch me off guard by gently mentioning that I have fun money in the budget. And then it's on me to wonder what kind of person have I turned into that even a $5 item that would make me feel happy is a struggle?
I share this to give you hope. When you are able to come from a place of mutual respect, your differences can help round each other out to a mutually rewarding dynamic.
I agree with others that I think couples therapy would be a really good step for you guys. I know you can get the a good place with this if you both want it badly enough, and therapy is a way of facilitating that with the least misunderstandings possible.