Forgive debt or not?

[respond2u]

Last year, I loaned my ex-wife first and last month's rent so she could move out of our son's apartment, telling her she could start paying me back in August of 2023.

She was 2 years sober and getting her act together at the time after decades of imprudence, financial and otherwise.

I don't need the money, there's no bitterness left, and for all our faults as spouses, we worked well together to raise our son ("we love our child more than we hate each other" was how I described it 20 years ago).

My question is: should I forgive the debt that I don't think she'll be able to pay back without stress and worry, or hold her to it so that she can feel the accomplishment of being a responsible adult?

I'm putting it here because it's probably a common post-FIRE situation, to navigate helping relatives in need...

 

[Dash man]

Last year, I loaned my ex-wife first and last month's rent so she could move out of our son's apartment, telling her she could start paying me back in August of 2023.



She was 2 years sober and getting her act together at the time after decades of imprudence, financial and otherwise.



I don't need the money, there's no bitterness left, and for all our faults as spouses, we worked well together to raise our son ("we love our child more than we hate each other" was how I described it 20 years ago).



My question is: should I forgive the debt that I don't think she'll be able to pay back without stress and worry, or hold her to it so that she can feel the accomplishment of being a responsible adult?



I'm putting it here because it's probably a common post-FIRE situation, to navigate helping relatives in need...

I’d forgive it. If she insists on paying it back, then graciously receive it. Holding her to it if she can’t pay will only cause angst.

 

[frayne]

I'm a firm believer in karma and good deeds, if you don't need the money and it would help her out, I would forgive the debt unconditionally.

 

[aja8888]

I'm a firm believer in karma and good deeds, if you don't need the money and it would help her out, I would forgive the debt unconditionally.

Ditto here.

 

[Jerry1]

I’d forgive the debt. If she was still sober, I’d feel really good about it and suggest to her that the debt forgiveness is congratulatory for her accomplishment. If she’s not still sober, I’d still forgive the debt but wouldn’t feel as good about it. If she fell off the wagon, maybe the forgiveness of debt could be one last attempt to incentivize her to get back into treatment.

Either way, it would be hard for me to ever drop the hammer on my child’s mother. Forgiving the debt gets it off your plate and let’s you move on.

 

[RunningBum]

I had a somewhat similar situation. I had lost contact with the person for awhile, and then they reached out and said they'd try to start repaying but things were rough. I knew of other debts they still had. I told them that I did not want payback of the loan to be a hardship. If they found themselves on solid financial ground later and they wanted to pay me back that would be fine but I wasn't expecting it.

 

[badatmath]

My first inclination was to say "forgive it" but will this make it more likely she will ask for more in the future and if so do you mind?

 

[euro]

Ditto here.

+2

 

[Aerides]

Do nothing.

Don't reach out to actively forgive it. Don't refuse it if she actually pays you next month. If she does, accept it, graciously.

If she doesn't repay it, also, do nothing. Let it go. Say nothing about it again ever.

 

[MarieIG]

+2

+3

 

[COcheesehead]

I knew someone who got sober. Part of her program was to go back into her past and accept responsibility for the things she did. For that reason alone I would let her repay it. In an odd way, it’s really part of her recovery process.

 

[Stormy Kromer]

I'd forget it until the next time they ask for money.

I have a brother that has successfully completed treatment for drugs/chemicals/alcohol 9 times.

He called last month and needed $200 wired to him within an hour or he'd be killed by the Russian mafia. I told him I'd send it this time, but this was the last time, never ask again. I figure I got off cheap.

The Russians didn't kill him, he was online blasting me for only giving him $200 when he was down and out.

If I were you I'd forgive the loan and use it as a reason to never loan to them again.

(this is coming from a loan chump who gets beat up constantly by an abusive sibling....it never ends)

Good luck to everyone.

 

[Keim]

I knew someone who got sober. Part of her program was to go back into her past and accept responsibility for the things she did. For that reason alone I would let her repay it. In an odd way, it’s really part of her recovery process.

I run a Recovery Community Center. What you describe is an important part of, for instance, the AA program. Accepting responsibility and learning how to deal with life's stresses are important.

I'd consider collecting the money and giving it to them when all is paid. Could be the Beginnings of a nest egg. Most ppl I see in my shop don't have much savings

 

[pb4uski]

I was thinking something similar. Have her repay you so she can get the satisfaction of having paid you back, and then offer to work with her to set up a Roth IRA for her for the amount involved.

Hopefully she will be appreciative and not get mad that you had her pay it all back just to reverse course and give it to her.

 

[COcheesehead]

I run a Recovery Community Center. What you describe is an important part of, for instance, the AA program. Accepting responsibility and learning how to deal with life's stresses are important.

I'd consider collecting the money and giving it to them when all is paid. Could be the Beginnings of a nest egg. Most ppl I see in my shop don't have much savings

Excellent point. A win for everyone involved.

 

[Teacher Terry]

I would forgive the loan.

 

[Mr. Tightwad]

Speaking from personal experience, I would have as few conversations with her as possible.

 

[Doribe]

Do nothing.

Don't reach out to actively forgive it. Don't refuse it if she actually pays you next month. If she does, accept it, graciously.

If she doesn't repay it, also, do nothing. Let it go. Say nothing about it again ever.

+1

 

[RunningBum]

Do nothing.

Don't reach out to actively forgive it. Don't refuse it if she actually pays you next month. If she does, accept it, graciously.

If she doesn't repay it, also, do nothing. Let it go. Say nothing about it again ever.

Yes, if she hasn't brought it up, I wouldn't initiate. In my case the other person did bring it up first.

 

[Gumby]

Aerides is wise. I would do as she suggests.

 

[rk911]

Ditto here.

double ditto.

 

[pacergal]

I run a Recovery Community Center. What you describe is an important part of, for instance, the AA program. Accepting responsibility and learning how to deal with life's stresses are important.

I'd consider collecting the money and giving it to them when all is paid. Could be the Beginnings of a nest egg. Most ppl I see in my shop don't have much savings

Excellent idea.

 

[Rianne]

I'm a firm believer in karma and good deeds, if you don't need the money and it would help her out, I would forgive the debt unconditionally.

+100

 

[38Chevy454]

It's effectively like a gift to your son, it gets his place back without his mother living there. I tend to agree with other replies, just let it be and consider it debt forgiven. If she does pay back some, take it and accept that it is part of the recovery; I had not thought about that fact until it was mentioned. Even better you could use it to start an emergency fund for her. Assuming she is staying on the right path and the money would not be wasted.

 

[LateToFIRE]

Do nothing.

Don't reach out to actively forgive it. Don't refuse it if she actually pays you next month. If she does, accept it, graciously.

If she doesn't repay it, also, do nothing. Let it go. Say nothing about it again ever.

Having numerous extended family members with varying degrees of fiscal irresponsibility, this is the type of scenario DW and I have had to develop a strategy around. And it is essentially this - Never lend more than we can afford to lose or would resent if never repaid. Make it clear this there is only one loan, ever, if they choose to take it. Never bring it up again unless someone tries for a second bite at the apple.