In some ways what you describe could be a benefit. Money without the responsibility. You write a nice letter thanking him for his understanding of your situation and his offer to let you work as you are available during your difficult situation that you had requested FMLA. That puts it back in his court and makes a good case if they later terminate you for poor performance. They asked you to work when you could. You just couldn't.
Hi, new here, maybe in the right place though!
- Thread starter clf0309
- Start date
haha
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
Clf, I don't have any expertise on corporate life or politics. I think the many here who do ahve given you a lot of good information. (Which you have clearly recognized.)
Your life sounds pretty rough, but almost all of it sems to be coming from your messed up employer. Your family (despite your Mom's unavoidable decline) is really strong, and you all will be able to help one another.
One thing I would consider is giving the cars to your sons, and getting that expense and exposure off your books. You have a health emergency and your husband is not healthy. Your sons can afford to pick up some of the burden, IMO.
Ha
Your life sounds pretty rough, but almost all of it sems to be coming from your messed up employer. Your family (despite your Mom's unavoidable decline) is really strong, and you all will be able to help one another.
One thing I would consider is giving the cars to your sons, and getting that expense and exposure off your books. You have a health emergency and your husband is not healthy. Your sons can afford to pick up some of the burden, IMO.
Ha
Once you become FIRE there aren't any blemishes -- at least on your work history because it's over. I understand your wanting everything to be clean but it seldom is. On the plus side, employers do not do anything anymore except verify termination date, last title and final salary. Anyway, if you look for something in the future, it will probably be short term contract work.
You also need to understand that if you trigger FMLA your days as a bonus baby manager are over. They will find a way to slid you out of the way to make room for someone more committed. They won't phrase it that was but it will happen.
Bottom line -- most companies I've worked for are pretty antiseptic and rigid under their "family friendly" policies. The managers politic amongst themselves for their own gain. Others (including trusted subordinates) are simply chess pieces to sacrifice while they win the game. When they're done with you or anyone else, they won't even kiss you. That's why FIRE is so appealing to the people on this forum.
Your mother is responding to the fear and lonliness of her situation. Calling her daughters is a way to get prove she's not alone. Being on call all of the time is worse than a full time job as far as stress is concerned. I understand you wanting to be there for her. Logically, your mother would be as well off or better with the professional health care people taking care of her needs. I can tell you want to be a martyr.
You also need to understand that if you trigger FMLA your days as a bonus baby manager are over. They will find a way to slid you out of the way to make room for someone more committed. They won't phrase it that was but it will happen.
Bottom line -- most companies I've worked for are pretty antiseptic and rigid under their "family friendly" policies. The managers politic amongst themselves for their own gain. Others (including trusted subordinates) are simply chess pieces to sacrifice while they win the game. When they're done with you or anyone else, they won't even kiss you. That's why FIRE is so appealing to the people on this forum.
Your mother is responding to the fear and lonliness of her situation. Calling her daughters is a way to get prove she's not alone. Being on call all of the time is worse than a full time job as far as stress is concerned. I understand you wanting to be there for her. Logically, your mother would be as well off or better with the professional health care people taking care of her needs. I can tell you want to be a martyr.
'Gotta love a bunch of people who rally around someone in need. As they say in OZ: Good on ya everyone!
I don't have the exact numbers to quote, but the death rate amongst adult-child caregivers is through the roof. Perhaps you might want to temper your need to care for Mom with a look over your shoulder at those other folks in your life who need you to stick around.
If you have access to Hospice, they are great!
Best Wishes!
MG
I don't have the exact numbers to quote, but the death rate amongst adult-child caregivers is through the roof. Perhaps you might want to temper your need to care for Mom with a look over your shoulder at those other folks in your life who need you to stick around.
If you have access to Hospice, they are great!
Best Wishes!
MG
One other thought to the many good comments on this thread. I agree with many of the posters who said that you should talk to a lawyer about your leave options under state and federal law. You also might be able to take intermittent leave to take care of your own health. Intermittent leave may give you a way to cut down on all the hours and all the traveling.
SteveR
Moderator Emeritus
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clf,
You have received a ton of good advice here and there is not much new I can add other than to reiterate a couple of things already touched on in this thread.
1. Your employer and especially your manager will keep expecting more and more from you until you push back and say No. "Free" labor from overly dedicated career-oriented ladder climbers are the grease that oils the corporate gears. Management by guilt and brow beating is indicative of a very poorly managed company.
2. Leaving a toxic job before it kills you or affects your relationships with family members would be a positive step in taking back your life. You have allowed your company to create a prison cell for you that goes with you everywhere; even when you are "on your own time." You truly have no such thing. Being on-call even when on vacation is not a vacation...it is slavery and unless you get your mind away from it for a while it will eat you away inside.
3. HR is not your friend. They are required to report everything that could affect the company back to management. They are just doing their job. Never assume anything spoken to a fellow employee is ever truly in confidence.
4. Taking time off to be with your dying mother is a once in a lifetime experience and you will not regret the time spent with her in her final days; it is time that cannot be repeated and will be lost forever. No job is worth missing this experience. Once people die there are so many things we with we could have done more of or had done better or had done differently. Regrets will haunt you the rest of your life.
5. Your stock swap is most likely held outside of your company's ability to change it. Once you have done the swap it is yours; you just have to deal with the tax implications when you sell the shares.
6. Stock option exercises can generate a ton of AMT tax if they were ISO shares (which appears to be the case). If you sell them short you will not have any AMT taxes from these and while the short term tax will be at your regular income tax level, it beats getting screwed if your company stock drops before you can sell your shares after a year. Been there, done that, and have the scars to prove it.
7. Your current salary is great but you are also paying a huge price for it. How much is the extra money really worth to you? What is it costing you? Would you be happier in another job but making less money? Why are you willing to give up most of your life to a company that clearly is toxic to you and other employees?
8. What would you really like to do? What would it take to do it? How can you prepare your journey to get there? I think you already stated this part so the rest is up to you.
9. If you believe you really want to leave this job don't worry about the Family Leave. Your current employer may hold it against you as Soon2B stated but why would you really care? Use it as a means to an end while spending time with your mother. As Martha said too, get a lawyer on your side before anything else happens. At least they can give you the truth about what you can and can't do relative to Family Leave.
10. If you are serious about leaving then use this as your way out. Even if your manager takes you back after the leave with open arms, he will most likely have a knife in his hand ready to stick it in your back. Don't let them brain wash you into thinking you are nothing without this company. It is not true. There are many other jobs out there that you could do even if you need to change careers. Take charge of your life...it is the only one you will get.
Good luck and I hope your mother's passing is as painless as possible.
You have received a ton of good advice here and there is not much new I can add other than to reiterate a couple of things already touched on in this thread.
1. Your employer and especially your manager will keep expecting more and more from you until you push back and say No. "Free" labor from overly dedicated career-oriented ladder climbers are the grease that oils the corporate gears. Management by guilt and brow beating is indicative of a very poorly managed company.
2. Leaving a toxic job before it kills you or affects your relationships with family members would be a positive step in taking back your life. You have allowed your company to create a prison cell for you that goes with you everywhere; even when you are "on your own time." You truly have no such thing. Being on-call even when on vacation is not a vacation...it is slavery and unless you get your mind away from it for a while it will eat you away inside.
3. HR is not your friend. They are required to report everything that could affect the company back to management. They are just doing their job. Never assume anything spoken to a fellow employee is ever truly in confidence.
4. Taking time off to be with your dying mother is a once in a lifetime experience and you will not regret the time spent with her in her final days; it is time that cannot be repeated and will be lost forever. No job is worth missing this experience. Once people die there are so many things we with we could have done more of or had done better or had done differently. Regrets will haunt you the rest of your life.
5. Your stock swap is most likely held outside of your company's ability to change it. Once you have done the swap it is yours; you just have to deal with the tax implications when you sell the shares.
6. Stock option exercises can generate a ton of AMT tax if they were ISO shares (which appears to be the case). If you sell them short you will not have any AMT taxes from these and while the short term tax will be at your regular income tax level, it beats getting screwed if your company stock drops before you can sell your shares after a year. Been there, done that, and have the scars to prove it.
7. Your current salary is great but you are also paying a huge price for it. How much is the extra money really worth to you? What is it costing you? Would you be happier in another job but making less money? Why are you willing to give up most of your life to a company that clearly is toxic to you and other employees?
8. What would you really like to do? What would it take to do it? How can you prepare your journey to get there? I think you already stated this part so the rest is up to you.
9. If you believe you really want to leave this job don't worry about the Family Leave. Your current employer may hold it against you as Soon2B stated but why would you really care? Use it as a means to an end while spending time with your mother. As Martha said too, get a lawyer on your side before anything else happens. At least they can give you the truth about what you can and can't do relative to Family Leave.
10. If you are serious about leaving then use this as your way out. Even if your manager takes you back after the leave with open arms, he will most likely have a knife in his hand ready to stick it in your back. Don't let them brain wash you into thinking you are nothing without this company. It is not true. There are many other jobs out there that you could do even if you need to change careers. Take charge of your life...it is the only one you will get.
Good luck and I hope your mother's passing is as painless as possible.
bruce1
Full time employment: Posting here.
I took time to be with my Father durng his last months and have never regretted it. In addition I think taking some time and waking up in the morning and knowing you do not have to go to work will be a wonderous experience.
Bruce
Bruce
clf0309 said:
Ok, to simplify the math, lets take the 12K annual from 42k (a fairly low number in your range), and say that you now need 30K annually from your assets.
Spending assets you have:
401k/pension: $450k
300k company stock: $255 (assuming you sell it, pay the LTCG, 15% right?)
General savings & misc savings: 100k
That's around $800k you have to spend. You can usually assume that you can spend 4% of your funds per year, assuming a proper investment (which you'll have time to read about in retirement).
Total cash generated per year: $32,000 (yay, at least we hit the 30k.. though not with a lot of wiggle?)
Now, you're a bit tight on the medical costs here. Other areas of improvement:
Housing: Can you move? Your kids are gone, you can probably downsize. You said you were in a fairly small midwestern town (as I am also). For around $200k, you can get a nice 2 bedroom house, which would get you another 75k ($3000 per year added onto the budget)
Auto insurance: You would have to cut off the kids auto insurance, your budget is too tight. Plenty of kids in college manage to pay for their own auto insurance, so for your own health, I'd recommend that as well.
That extra $50k in stock options. It'd be awfully nice to have that exercised and in cash. Could you use that extra $100k you seem to have around to exercise it now?
I think your budget will work, especially if you cut out some expenses, invest properly (read a lot on this forum, and on some of the many retire early forums out there, we can always give you a list), and maybe do some low-stress part time work.
My guess is that you're over-stressed in the current job, but after a few months of relaxation, you could handle a low stress position.
So, my final wrap-up suggestion:
1. Take the family leave to be with your mom. It is just as good as quitting, except you have an "in", if you need to go back. Legally they have to take you back after the break.
2. Immediately cut expenses, look up health care costs, etc See how fast you can build up a little nest egg, you're making a pretty penny right now, which will look very nice in the distance when you have no income
3. Once you have rested for a few months (perhaps your mom has passed in the time period), re-evaluate your finances.
4. I say depending on how you feel, you might go back to work for a few months (as long as they'll keep you, or as long as you want). Work 40 hours per week, ignore the complaints. If you are really done with the rat-race, you don't need to impress anyone anymore. You can get your extra cash, get the extra health care, etc. When you're ready to go, you can walk out the door -- or get kicked out, and possibly get some "walk away" cash.
5. If need be, get a consulting position, or just a low stress position. There are plenty of managers out there who work 40-45 hour weeks, who don't need much travel, etc.
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