High School Best Friend Small Stroke - wife and legal recommendations?

[Aerides]

In my world of close friends we are aware of boundaries, but almost always try to help - this violates MYOB, but is usually appreciated and understood well-intentioned.

I think perhaps start (for a day or three) with the help they say they want, vs. the help you think/know they need.

After a major health scare, if my best friend swooped in to talk about trust and lawyers I'd be overwhelmed and scared and might push them away, possibly angrily. Maybe that's the 2nd or 3rd follow up. And start now with what they say they need/want to get through the day. A friend, a shoulder, a casserole.

I also would try to take most of this to your friend directly, as he seems to be self-destructive.

Best of luck to you all.

 

[stephenson]

She just sent me note - thanking me for the lists and noting her name was only on one car and lamenting that he always avoided the discussion - over the past 25 years, apparently.

He goes to a PCP (not sure he actually had one) later today - hoping for continuing action on rehabilitation.

She said she had no personal access to accounts, nor any idea of online access user/passwords. Apparently he signed all checks.

I completely get the fear of getting too far into other folks "bidness" (channeling Jim Davis from "Big Jake").

I'm sure I'll learn some more lessons from this ...

 

[Amethyst]

It's a minefield, for sure. Aerides' triad of "friend, shoulder, prepared food" sounds just right, for now.

I'd say "I'm here if you want to talk about anything" (and mean it - she and he may well get to a point where they crave a sounding board, who isn't charging by the hour and doesn't have a stake in family assets), then back away from the serious stuff.

It doesn't hurt for you to think about the various lists and suggestions we post here - it wouldn't hurt many of us, in fact.

 

[ivinsfan]

She just sent me note - thanking me for the lists and noting her name was only on one car and lamenting that he always avoided the discussion - over the past 25 years, apparently.

He goes to a PCP (not sure he actually had one) later today - hoping for continuing action on rehabilitation.

She said she had no personal access to accounts, nor any idea of online access user/passwords. Apparently he signed all checks.

I completely get the fear of getting too far into other folks "bidness" (channeling Jim Davis from "Big Jake").

I'm sure I'll learn some more lessons from this ...

One of two things is at work here. He deliberately controlled all the money and money access. Or she played the little woman card and said you take care of it. You've got a long married couple, a sudden health problem and no joint decision making on financial matters. Now if the gentleman was either dead or mentally incompetent you'd be helping his widow. As of now you are inserting yourself between a couple with some big time problems going on. So now she is venting to you about their past money life together. Be very, very, careful for your own sake. .. You know that old comment.. First do no harm?....your heart is in the right place but that doesn't prevent big problems.

 

[Chuckanut]

She needs a lawyer familiar with family law in her state.

 

[OldShooter]

I may have missed it but where do his three adult kids fit into any of this?

They'll be along when they smell money and good Samaritan @stephenson will be named in the lawsuit as an undue influence.

 

[Calico]

^^^Quite likely.

 

[stephenson]

Undue influence? How?

Is this really your view of the world?

 

[Amethyst]

At one time, I would have felt the way you just described. "How can anybody be that bad?"

Then I got a bigger taste of the world we live in. Now I see these posters' point.

Best wishes. I laud your good heart.

Undue influence? How?

Is this really your view of the world?

 

[OldShooter]

Undue influence? How?

I said that you'd probably be sued, not that you were guilty. Anyone can sue anyone for anything, and the plaintiffs would probably want you in the deal just in case whatever they are unhappy about could involve you in some way. For example, you might have influenced wife to take some actions or persuaded your friend to take some kind of financial actions that reduces the $$ that the kids are inheriting. Maybe a big charitable gift, expensive adaptation of their house to improve his mobility or safety, purchase of an annuity, ... Or you did nothing of the sort but they believe you did.

Is this really your view of the world?

Yes. DW retired as an SVP in a megabank Iinvestment and Trust department after 20 or 30 years. She could tie you up for a week recounting stories of brutal and expensive fights among heirs and beneficiaries. As trustee and representing the bank she was in court often enough that the judges greeted her by name.

 

[stephenson]

Well, sure - but lots of circumstantial differences.

I'm not so cynical (and, I have been noted as being very cynical), or jaundiced, as to not try to help good friends when they ask for it.

 

[Katsmeow]

I do think it sounds like there are lots of things she is totally unaware of. Not having access to accounts becomes a problem if he can't handle stuff. I understand people saying not to get involved. On the other hand, if it was my close friends I would probably would say something. Sometimes people know so little that they just don't know what questions to ask or what they need to deal with. When my mother got ill shortly before her death it made it so much easier that I already had her power of attorney and could deal with the banks, etc. (I had had this for years). Anyway, in this case, though the best advice to give is to see an attorney to help them set this stuff up. If he won't do it then she could see one on her own.

 

[stephenson]

Quick update - visited over lunch (we brought it) yesterday. He met with therapy team at local clinic. Met with a doctor assistant at even more rural local doctor office. They will continue on that path while the investigate other options, including stroke centers a few towns over.

I think he is at about 95% cognitive and 90% physical - favoring his right leg, walking but generally steady. She noted he is improving. He is back on BP meds, and hospital started plavix, 81mg aspirin, and atorvastatin - by my read this is correct.

He knew my sister well, and was interested in hearing about estate planning from that perspective. I noted we had used attorney X and he asked me to connect him. I confirmed he and his wife agreed I could provide basic info this attorney. Have started that process.

They both wanted more information on common estate planning topics - there is no will for either of them, no RLT, no medical directive, no power of attorney, etc.

 

[OldShooter]

Good news, congrats.

Remember that there is no rush on any of this estate stuff. It's just like computer backups. Just be sure to get the backup done the night before the fire.

 

[Teacher Terry]

That’s good news and I think you are doing the right thing by helping your friends. I usually help my friends if they ask.

 

[stephenson]

Update.


My friends said they contacted an attorney and completed all applicable documents. Once told this I said, Great! Now, I don't know if they actually did this, but I did my part.

She describes his recent behavior - has a coronary halter monitor device, but keeps pulling it off, dragging a leg (but may be from damaged knee that he also likely refused to have repaired) - he is not driving, but is plowing the property for next year's crops.

Kinda done all I can do. He sounds determined.