How do you deal with a wife with no FIRE plans?

[slowsaver]

If you are going to divorce her, do it soon, while she is still young. If you wait too long, she will be too old to find another husband who will fulfill her needs.

This might sound cynical, but it's a real problem -- even for American women. I have a friend who was in a 10 year relationship before she was "dumped" at an age where her fertility is in decline. She is very bitter for wasting those 10 good years, and wished he had dumped her a long time ago.

 

[bencasey]

I call this the "Dr Laura Syndrome" Remember her? These problemed-up people would call in ostensibly seeking advice or help and she'd start raising her voice and lecturing or even castigating them. At first I thought she was a twit. But after taking it in it was apparent from listening to these people and their problems that they really didn't want help or advice. What they wanted was approval. And in a public setting. It's OK your problems are somebody else's fault. You're right. The world is picking on you. Don't feel bad about yourself you didn't do anything wrong. I didn't really like or Dr Laura or her methods but that was the underlying dynamic.


The OP did not get an torrent of sympathy and support, even if he did get some. Nobody likes facing the music.

People asking for advice usually just want to be told what they want to hear.

Without more info, my guess is that this was a mail order bride or something similar arrangement.

A friend of mine's father, after he divorced, remarried a Filipino hooker. When he died, her and her children inherited his $1.5M and my friend and his brother, got zero.

 

[targatom2019]

Life is too short, just trade her in and get a new one !!!

 

[ER1970]

I find it interesting that the OP is upset with his wife sending money to her family in the Philippines to the point of divorcing her, while he is considering staying married for a few more years for his financial situation to improve before divorcing her. Not much difference between the two of them IMO. They are a good match for each other, married for financial gain.

Agreed 100%! But I do think there is a difference here: the wife is helping her family with the $$ she worked to earn and saved, whereas OP would throw his wedding vows away just for $175/m plus couple thousand dollars that the WIFE earned on her own! Unbelievable.
Oh right - the OP is not divorcing his wife, just yet. He is such a big saver that he wants to keep her just so he can save $300/m in couple years.... what a financially saavy guy!

 

[ER1970]

Yes, I think you're overreacting. She's saved enough to help her sister in her time of need, she'll be able to save that much again; and she's purchasing 30-35% of a house; and she's sending $175/mo to the Philippines. This doesn't really sound like a spendthrift lifestyle. It sounds more like for the first time in her life she has a stable income and doesn't have to live paycheck-to-paycheck and she wants to enjoy that experience. Give her a couple of years, it takes time to adjust to a sudden change in circumstance, and she is saving.

If, as you say, you're each keeping your own earnings, why is it your business what she does with her money? You can FIRE at 40 while she keeps working to support her desired lifestyle.

Ultimatums about not helping her family and threatening divorce seem pretty extreme, and it's really odd to be planning a divorce for 4-5 years from now. Why wouldn't she just up and leave and go back to the Philippines and get a divorce now instead of staying with you? I think you both need some couples counseling.

Again, agreed 100%. If she was sending HIS $$ to support her family, I would say she perhaps is not good with FIRE planning. But she is working and saving, shortly after she married OP and moved to a foreign country. I’m surprised to see all the negative attitudes about Filipino/foreign wives on here. Cultural differences aside, how many American wives would just stay at home and spend “their husbands’ $$”?? I see many around me.

I’m from a developing Asian nation too. My DH married me when I was making 1/10 of his salary. We used to send $200/m to my family in Asia. My parents didn’t need $, but it is a gesture in Asian culture to show gratitude and respect to parents. When my parents needed to fix their house in an emergency but their money was tied up somewhere else, DH wrote a check to cover the expenses with no questions asked.

Now 20 years later, DH is retired while I’m still working, making $400K+/yr and supporting him. His health insurance is on mine, he is enjoying his life while I work 10-12 hours a day. But I don’t complain one bit, because I know he would have done (and he has) the same if I didn’t want to work.

So, don’t be so shortsighted. Treat your DW well, have a conversation with her to get better understanding of each other if needed. But be kind and sincere. If you think about and threaten to divorce her over the crap you mentioned in your OP, I’d say you don’t deserve her.

 

[edsahara]

Oh Please

For heaven's sake, of course the young lady is wanting to spend your money. What do you think she married you for? She's in the prime of her life, forgoing a sex life with a young hunk in exchange for a rich American geezer. You have partaken of her assets and now have to hold up your end of the bargain. Please don't act so naive. It wasn't your middle age physique that won her over.

 

[NW-Bound]

For heaven's sake, of course the young lady is wanting to spend your money. What do you think she married you for? She's in the prime of her life, forgoing a sex life with a young hunk in exchange for a rich American geezer. You have partaken of her assets and now have to hold up your end of the bargain. Please don't act so naive. It wasn't your middle age physique that won her over.

The OP's profile says he's in Tienen, Belgium. I have not seen where he said his age was, but the profile says "retirement 2030".

 

[Lancelot]

I've spent a lot of time in Thailand and the Philippines. The OP's situation is not uncommon, face (status) is a big deal and I've seen large families live on the earnings of a family member who is an Overseas Foreign Worker OFW. Some families suck the blood from an OFW, while the poor wretch slaves away in the middle east, they sign karaoke in to the wee hours, gamble and sleep most of the day. I don't see her changing unless she wants to. Parents and siblings can lay huge guilt trips on a daughter living abroad, few can resist the pressure. Having said that, I'm divorced and my American spouse's family borrowed money from us, and could never "remember" to settle the debt, lol. Marriage is difficult even with some one from your own culture; add the complexities of a foreign born partner and it can be challenging. In any case best of luck to the OP.

 

[gwraigty]

Cultural differences aside, how many American wives would just stay at home and spend “their husbands’ $$”?? I see many around me.

There's a big difference between a spouse choosing to support a non-working spouse, and also choosing to support that spouse's entire family living in another country, especially when the family doesn't appear to be doing what they can to help themselves.

Bottom line, is that OP and his spouse aren't on the same page with this. Maybe OP was OK with a fixed monthly level of support, but these supposed family emergencies weren't a part of the agreement. Maybe OP was OK with partially subsidizing them, but then his FIL decided to quit working altogether.

BTW, DH supports me, but he considers it all to be "our money", just as I considered an inheritance from my father to also be "our money".

 

[rk911]

well, every retired man needs three things...a good truck, a good dog and a working wife!

 

[HMMY]

I had been sending $ home for a decade when I met DH. He was not comfortable supporting my family, so we agreed to keep separate finances with a certain fixed amount going into a joint account. We've been together nearly 20 years now and have never had an argument about money. Neither cares what the other does with his/her money as long as the joint expenses are covered. The best time to discuss finances was before you married, but the second best time to discuss it is now.

 

[ER1970]

Bottom line, is that OP and his spouse aren't on the same page with this. Maybe OP was OK with a fixed monthly level of support, but these supposed family emergencies weren't a part of the agreement. Maybe OP was OK with partially subsidizing them, but then his FIL decided to quit working altogether.

Fair enough. They obviously need to iron out their differences. I’m just shocked how many people on this site implicitly or explicitly call the wife a gold digger, all while she is supporting her family with HER hard earned and saved money.

Yes, supporting a whole family sounds unfair to the husband. But what if he buys a 50k car that they don’t need, and she spends 5k supporting her non working family back in her home country? Why would she be considered taking advantage of him? She can do WTF she wants with the $$ she earned and saved. And he wants to retire at 40? Well that is his choice, and she does not have to share that (most likely very unrealistic) dream.

 

[Elbata]

Come on guys. At least one person pointed it out. TROLL. Kudos to the troll, I'm just surprised so many fell for it.

 

[bookman51]

Easy to give advice from afar, but my bit of one word advice is "RUN." My second advice is "Do not have any children and do not trust your wife to be responsible for birth control."

 

[NW-Bound]

well, every retired man needs three things...a good truck, a good dog and a working wife!

I used to have a truck but that's 35 years ago.

I am a cat person, not a dog person.

My wife stopped working 5 years before I did.

How the heck could I retire? It's mind boggling.

 

[Global Wizzo]

Unfortunately, you are learning something many young military folks learned. You marry the family and you are looked on as the cash cow. One individual returned home from a short deployment to find the immediate family relocated to his apartment and plans in the works to bring the extended family.


You have to decide if you have a romantic relationship and marriage or a negotiated business relationship.

 

[daylatedollarshort]

Unfortunately, you are learning something many young military folks learned. You marry the family and you are looked on as the cash cow. One individual returned home from a short deployment to find the immediate family relocated to his apartment and plans in the works to bring the extended family.

A former co-worker in the U.S. had 2 nephews by marriage from overseas move in. Then more of husband's extended family came from overseas to visit. They started talking about how they could put drapes over the dining room entrance and make that more living space for even more in-laws to move in. Last I heard she filed for divorce not too long afterwards.

 

[FLD3C]

I've spent a lot of time in Thailand and the Philippines. The OP's situation is not uncommon, face (status) is a big deal and I've seen large families live on the earnings of a family member who is an Overseas Foreign Worker OFW. Some families suck the blood from an OFW, while the poor wretch slaves away in the middle east, they sign karaoke in to the wee hours, gamble and sleep most of the day. I don't see her changing unless she wants to. Parents and siblings can lay huge guilt trips on a daughter living abroad, few can resist the pressure.

I retired to the Philippines 6 years ago. This is an absolutely true statement.

 

[Chuckanut]

I've know several American born and raised ladies who married men from a certain Middle East country. The stories are similar. During the courtship phase the men were very romantic and seemed to take delight in pleasing the women. A few months after the marriage, things changed. They became more demanding and less attentive. The MIL had the last word in disagreements between man and wife. Money for her interests was scarce while he could spend freely on his interests, etc. etc. etc.

One lady told us that she talked to her husband's female cousin who had migrated to the USA and married an American. The cousin told her that her husband's attitudes were typical of men from that country and would not change. That's why she married an American.

FWIW, I know a number of men who married Filipino women and are VERY happy. They simply adjusted to the fact that certain societal/family issues would go her way. Period. Happy Wife, Happy Life. After all, their culture is part of what makes them the women these men love.

 

[My Dream]

I stopped reading the replies as I'm not sure some have noticed that jonash (OP) has not replied since Nov 4th and as such may no longer be interested in any replies.

In case anyone is interested.

 

[SpinDoctorTX]

I'm waiting with bated breath... popcorn to come later tonight!

Perhaps junior poster OP Jonash would come back and actual tell this engaged group what he means by all this and answer the excellent challenges put out there. I have my popcorn.

 

[aja8888]

I stopped reading the replies as I'm not sure some have noticed that jonash (OP) has not replied since Nov 4th and as such may no longer be interested in any replies.

In case anyone is interested.

He probably got a second job....

 

[audreyh1]

Come on guys. At least one person pointed it out. TROLL. Kudos to the troll, I'm just surprised so many fell for it.

There seems to be a lot of enthusiasm for giving relationship advice on this forum!

 

[pb4uski]

Come on guys. At least one person pointed it out. TROLL. Kudos to the troll, I'm just surprised so many fell for it.

+1 definitely a troll... posted 2 posts within 1/2 hour on Nov 4 and never seen again.

 

[AJ520]

Staying married to save money is not the reason to stay married to someone!!! There is so much more to a marriage! Don’t do that to her or yourself! Be honest! Be real!