It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020

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Cashier at the grocery store this morning said they had a run on flour, rice, and beans! I thought- "Yeah right, like the same people that are hoarding toilet paper are going to learn to bake bread and cook!!"
 
Stolen from elsewhere:

Covid-19: the first time China holds the original and Italy has the knockoff
Click to expand...
 
Kirkland Light beer...by a carpenter so you know it's legit

His wife is on one camera (Brandi) and the other camera is Dato Dave (I'm pretty sure that should be Dado, but carps aren't great at spellun)

Costco has no comment

https://youtu.be/eHRNzj_G7Us
 
Don't forget that these dummies buying all this TP, poop at work for a half hour. Now that they may be forced to stay home, that's a new expense for them.
 
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braumeister said:
Amazing! Who would have thought of that as a national characteristic?

Amazing industry. I spent a few years developing custom software for Procter & Gamble, and visited most of their diaper manufacturing plants. Truly enormous buildings where they took in whole tree trunks at one end and output boxes of Pampers at the other. Impressive to say the least.
Click to expand...
So they fed the plant trees and it cr*ps out diapers ? I wonder what happens if they feed vegetables?
 
Got this from the DC site

WARNING FOR ALL MALES FROM ME when buying a security device for a loved one.

Last weekend I saw something at The Gun Show that sparked my interest. I was looking for a little something different for my wife Dana. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse effect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Dana what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Leo looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Leo (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. He is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a singlet with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Taser in another.

The directions said that:
a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;
a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, the cat looking on with his head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!! I AM CERTAIN I JUST MET JESUS!!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Taser,
one note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!

A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

· My bent reading glasses were on the top of the TV.
· The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
· My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
· My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
· I had no control over the drooling.
· Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
· I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!
rotflmao...
 
Now THIS is how you do a run on toilet paper:

 
Sign of the times
 

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OK....an attempt to "social distance" from the virus with a non-corvid-19 joke;

Every man likes to think they are marrying nymphomaniacs. But after a few years the
nympho leaves...….and the maniac stays.
 
Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says,

"Listen here, good looking, I will screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, their place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on . . . It doesn't matter to me. I just love it."

His eyes now wide with interest, he responds,

"No kidding... I'm in Congress too.... What state do you represent?
 
Silver said:
OK....an attempt to "social distance" from the virus with a non-corvid-19 joke;

Every man likes to think they are marrying nymphomaniacs. But after a few years the
nympho leaves...….and the maniac stays.
Click to expand...

A derivation of this for you accountants out there.
LIFO - Last in first out
FIFO - First in first out
NYMPHO - always in never out
 
LOL, she is the queen, as Paul sang.
 
Dating in 1960.
You need to be able to remember the era to appreciate this…

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1960 and Frank had a date with Peggy Sue.

He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

"Oh, come on in!" Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Frank in.
"So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?" she asked.
"Oh, probably go dancing, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach..."

"Peggy likes to screw, you know," Mom informed him.
"Is that so?" asked Frank, incredulous.
"Yes," said the mother. "As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!"
"Well, thanks for the tip," Frank said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.

"Have fun, kids", the mother said as they left.

Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.

It's “The TWIST ” , Mom!" she angrily yelled at her mother.
"THE DAMN DANCE IS CALLED THE TWIST!"
 
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."

He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
 
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