It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020

Status
Not open for further replies.
Some guys were sitting around a locker room when a cell phone on the bench rings, and a man puts it on speaker and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stopped to listen.


Man: "Hello?"
Woman: "Hi, Honey. It's me. You at the club?"
Man: "Yes."
Woman: "I'm at the shops now, and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
Man: "Sure. Go ahead."
Woman: "I also stopped at the Lexus dealership and saw the new models and found one I really like."
Man: "How much?"
Woman: "$90,000."
Man: "OK, but for that price, I want it with all the options."
Woman: "Great! And, oh. One more thing. I was just talking to Janie, and you know that house with the river view that I wanted last year? Well, it's back on the market! They're asking $980,000 for it.
Man: "Well, then, go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. But if not, we can probably go the extra 80 thousand if it's what you really want."
Woman: "OK! I'll see you later. I love you so much!"
Man: "Bye. I love you too."


The man hung up. The other guys in the locker room were looking at him in astonishment with their mouths hanging open.
Then he turned and asked, "Anyone know whose phone this is?"
 
I'm not much into conspiracies, but I can't help noticing these guys show up here every year about the same time the IRS wants their pound of flesh...
 

Attachments

  • chigger.JPG
    chigger.JPG
    58.6 KB · Views: 68
A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her

telephone failed to ring when her friends called. . . and that on

the few occasions when it did ring, her dog always moaned right

before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this

psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in

his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't

ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.

4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.
 
From another site


The Washington Post's annual neologism contest results:
Readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words. The winners are:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle , olive-flavoured mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.), emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon , a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
 
Maybe a re-post but worth a read again.



A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game.
The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa." Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $500.00."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
"I have no idea, " says the blonde. The lawyer says "It's 238,900 miles. Ha!" The blonde reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
"Okay" says the lawyer, "your turn." She then asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer.
He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net, the Library of Congress and Wikipedia, no answer.
Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, says "I give up," and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer??!"
The blonde says "I have no idea," hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
 
Sitting on the side of the freeway, a state patrol officer see's a car puttering along at 22 mph. He thinks to himself, This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!. So he turns on his lights and pulls the car over.



Approaching the car he notices that there are 5 old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back, wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused says to him, "Officer I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem? "Ma'am", the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." "Slower than the speed limit? no sir I was doing exactly 22 mph" the old lady says a bit proudly. The state police officer, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that "22" was the rout number not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.



"But before I let you go ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone in this car OK?" These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks. "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off route 119."
 
Morty and Selma, an elderly couple, were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"
Selma, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
Morty yelled, "He says you were speeding!"
The patrolman said, "May I see your license?"
Selma turned to her husband once again and asked, "What did he say?"
Morty yelled, "He wants to see your license!"
Selma gave the officer her license. The patrolman then said, "I see you are from New York. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the most annoying woman I've ever met."
Selma turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
Morty yells, "He said he thinks he knows you!"
 
Five surgeons are taking a coffee break.
1st surgeon says: "Accountants are the best to operate on because
when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
2nd surgeon says: "Nah, librarians are the best. Everything inside
them is in alphabetical order."
3rd responds: "Try electricians, man! Everything inside THEM is
color-coded."
4th intercedes: "I like engineers... they always understand when you
have a few parts left over at the end."
To which the 5th surgeon, who has been quietly listening to the
conversation, says: "I prefer lawyers. They're heartless, spineless,
gut-less and their heads and their butts are interchangeable.
 
A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that so write it down!
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment. 'Where's my toast?'
 
A mom is driving her little girl to a friend's house to play for the day. "Mommy ," the little girl asks ,"how old are you?"
"Honey , you are not supposed to ask a lady her age", the mother warns .
"It is not polite"."Ok", the little girl says ."How much do you weigh?"
"Now really ," the mother says , "these are personal questions and really none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks," why did you and daddy get a divorce?"
"That is enough questions, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin play.
"My Mom wouldn't tell me anything." The little girl says to her friend
"Well,"said the friend ,"all you need to do is look at her drivers license
It is like a report card it has everything on it. Later that night, the little girls looks at her moms drivers license and then says to her, I know how old you are. You are 32". The mother is surprised and asks, "how did you find that out?"
"I also know that you weigh 140pounds." The mother is past surprise and shocked now.
" How in heaven 's name did you find that out?"
"And ,"the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce".
"Oh really? "The mother asks."And why's that?"
"Because you got an F in sex".
 
Last edited:
Funny video... hope you enjoy it... cringeworthy to begin with but stay to the end. Background is that a teacher has a policy of if your cellphone rings during class that you have to answer and put it on speaker.

 
Funny video... hope you enjoy it... cringeworthy to begin with but stay to the end. Background is that a teacher has a policy of if your cellphone rings during class that you have to answer and put it on speaker.

Thanks. I've seen this before but watching it again, I laughed so hard it brought tears to my eyes!
 
Three college guys graduate, and go down to Mexico to celebrate. After a night of carousing, they wake up the next morning in jail. They don't remember what had happened or how they got there, but they were all scheduled for execution in the electric chair.

They strapped the first kid in the chair and asked him if he had any last words. I just graduated from Trinity Bible School with a degree in Theology, and I believe in the power of the Lord to save me." They then flipped the switch, but nothing happened. All the prison staff fell to their knees, released the guy, and begged for forgiveness.

Then they strapped in the second kid and asked for his last words. "I just graduated from the University of Texas Law School, and I believe the power of justice and the Rule of Law to save me." Again, they flipped the switch, and again nothing happened. And once again, they were overcome with awe. They released him, and again begged forgiveness.

Then they strapped in the third kid and asked for his last words. "I'm an Aggie, who just graduated from Texas A&M with a degree in Electrical Engineering. And I'm here to tell you, this thing ain't never going to work unless you plug it in."
 
Last edited:
A man was putting his little daughter to bed for the night, and advised her to say her prayers:
"God bless, mommy, God bless daddy, God bless Grandma, and good-bye Grandpa."
Dad thought that last comment was peculiar, but he let it go. The next day, though, the family received word that Grandpa had died of a stroke.
The next night, the man was putting his child to bed, and she prayed:
"God bless mommy, God bless daddy, and good-bye Grandma."
The very next day, the grandmother died suddenly of a heart attack. The family was in shock, but none more than daddy.
That night, the child prayed:
"God bless mommy, and good-bye daddy."
By now, daddy was convinced this kid had some conduit to the Great Beyond, and spent the next day in horror. He was at the office, watching the clock. For some reason feeling safer there, he stayed until midnight. Massively relieved, he came home.
His wife asked him why he was so late. He told her it'd been the worse day of his life. She said, "You think YOU had a bad day. This afternoon, the mailman dropped dead on our porch!"
 
Last edited:
One day after work, a father on his way home remembers that
it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy store and asks the
salesperson, "How much is the Barbie doll in the display window?"
The salesperson answers, " Which one? We have:
Work out Barbie for $19.95
Shopping Barbie for $19.95
Beach Barbie for $19.95
Disco Barbie for $19.95
Divorced Barbie for $265.95
The amazed father asks: "What? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and
the others only $19.95?"
The salesperson answers :
"Sir...Divorced Barbie comes with:
Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and one of Ken's Friends.
 
Last edited:
Our hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged.
While working as a student nurse, however, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
 
This one may be a re-post.


A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says: "Oh wow, that's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen."
The woman makes her way to the rear of the bus but she just can't get over it. She starts fuming to the man next to her about how rude the driver was. This goes on for several minutes and finally the guy says, "Why don't you just go back up there and tell him off? Here, let me hold your monkey."
 
Last edited:
^^^^^^^^^
:LOL::LOL::LOL::LOL::LOL:


I wonder how many people will get the joke? It did take me about 5 secs. :facepalm:
 
Last edited:
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from.
So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you’re the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery??"
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I’m your son’s teacher."
 
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from.
So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you’re the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery??"
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I’m your son’s teacher."

Very funny!! Thanks!:LOL:
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top Bottom