It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020

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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

45 year old teenager here.

What do you call a guy with no arms and legs in a pile of leaves?

Russell.
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

guy with no arms or legs in a hot tub?


Stew
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

what do you call the guy who fell in the meat grinder

chuck!
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Dog with no legs?

It doesn't matter -- he can't come to you anyway.
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

California -156 years ago!
Do you know what happened in California this week back in 1850 ?

California became a state.
The State had no electricity.
The State had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gun fights in the streets.

So basically, it was just like California today except the
women had real breasts and men didn't hold hands.
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000". The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?" The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square."

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?" "Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square."

"Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness." ”No problem," said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course," said the president "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure."

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!"
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

This is an old one but still funny.

Why I fired my Secretary


Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that
morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!" and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."

I thought.. Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.

So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday ! "

It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock , when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."

I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go !"

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead at a quite bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, do We ?"

I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind ?"

She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, " Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back."


"Ok." I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ... Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".





And I just sat there...











On the couch...










Naked.
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Along the same lines of outtahere's joke:

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned.

I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door.

I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

The moral of this story is:

"Always keep your condoms in your car."


- Stolen shamelessly from elsewhere.
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

LOL!! Brewer I have that one in my joke archives, it's one of my favorites.
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Pvt. Johnson has just returned from his first ever tour of duty in Iraq, and is catching up with his old friends from home. He tells them all about the life there, including the all day-every day work, the constant fatigue, the dust and the noise as they went around Baghdad hunting down insurgents. He starts to describe one of his off-duty adventures with a hot medic from bravo company, and his friends egg him on to delve into grittier and grittier detail.

"So we was off the base, and mind you this f***in' broad was f***in' hot, and man, the weather was hot as f*** out too, just f***in' hot and with sand f***in' everywhere, and we was f***in' hangin' around on the edge of town, way out in the middle of f***in' nowhere. She was f***in' all like, 'let's get some lemonade,' and I was f***in' thinking, no f***in' way, man, not when I'm f***in' out here with this f***in' smokin' babe, who's got these huge f***in' bazongas. I mean, huge, man -- they were f***in' like, like f***in' watermelons, no f***in' kidding. I was f***in' parched and sh**, and there was f***in' sand all f***in' over, even in my f***in' clothes, but holy f***in' f**!"

"So," asks one of the guys. "What happened?"

"What the f*** do you f***in' think?! We had sexual intercourse."
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Iranian President's letter to Bush:

Dear Infidel Crusader Zionist sock-puppet Saudi-lackey depoiler of Mesopotamia woman-touching pigdog fiendish (293 words excised) Shah-licking son of a toad's offal: I trust this finds you well. I have much on my mind, and have taken the pen to unburden my breast. I have enclosed a self-addressed stamped envelope should you wish to reply.

(429 words concerning Jewish penetration of the Postal System excised)

. . . Do you not realize you are beaten, as a donkey is beaten, but knoweth not his donkeyhood is cursed? Your comics have turned against you in your own lair, and mock you without mercy. We have seen the videos of the Meal of the Correspondents, and we know how your left regards the men of the laugh as prophets and seers. It is only a matter of time before Johnny Carson (applause be upon him) returns from occlusion to request that you, Mr. President, take the Slauson cutoff, get out of your car, and cut off your Slauson, Hi-yo, salaam. And a third part of the Slauson shall be stained with the tears of the womenfolk, and (9323 words excised)

. . . Our people glow with pride over our nuclear efforts, sometimes literally. I repeat that the enrichment is for peaceful purposes only, and we seek only peace, and peace is our goal, and there is nothing more we love than peace. Except death. Sorry; forgot. Death is definitely number one. In third place of things we love, well, there were those nice ice-cream desserts they had at this little place in Tehran. When I was Mayor I had them brought in on Fridays. Good times, good times. But once I found a hair.

(2356 words excised concerning Jewish penetration of the Iranian Dessert-Industrial complex)

... Na na na nah, nah, everything's underground! And your Congressors cut funding for the nuclear bombs which permit the busting of the bunker. Na na na! I do a taunting dance and cock my hips mockingly! In sudden seriousness, please to be thank them for this, although we lost a day's work in the labs due to the celebration. I even permitted the drinking of whiskey, and decreed that the suppliers of alcohol be only lightly killed. (549 repetitions of “na na na na” excised)

. . . and if you had the problem I have with razors you would know why my beard seems so tentative at times; if I may speak with you man to anointed hastener of the Apocalypse, how do you get such a smooth shave? A hot towel? Perhaps the Five-Blade Razor of which we have heard muttered rumors? Personally, I use an exfoliating agent which (8343 words excised)

. . . and Jack Bauer will not be able to save you this time, my friend. If there is an attack on our country we will double our aid to the Iraqi patriots, double our funding to Hezbollah and its female auxiliary wing Sisboombah, and double again our attempts to secrete through your borders weapons both chemical and biological.

Ah – er, reduce everything I said in the previous paragraph by half. We will START doing those things. Yes, that is the thing that is the ticket: start. We will also use our fearsome weapons of unspeakable lethality to destroy your planes before they are even built, let alone launched. We can sink your mighty aircraft carriers by shouting in unison, so great is our national will.

. . . Seriously, when I came to the UN and you didn't even send a fruit basket, it hurt. Did you not see how well I was received? Did you not see the light of God that surrounded me when I spoke, how no one blinked as I related our message, how doves came out of my mouth and the pants of all were filled with flowers. Did you not note how the exact number of letters I spoke divided by the sum (in Euros) we paid the Chinese engineers was the winning lottery number the following week? Including the Powerball? And you seek to confound my work to bring back the Messiah and bring the world once more into the arms of Islam? Including all penguins?

What are you, nuts?

Sincerely and Death to America,

Mahmoud, descendant of Xerxes, 34th degree Mason, personal valet of the hidden Imam, and not just a member of the Hair Club for Men – I'm also the President! Death to America.
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

DanTien said:
Bush & His doppleganger
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-1921276117304287501
Click to expand...
That was one of the funniest skits I've ever seen, even better than his schtick with Jeff Foxworthy.  Especially where Bush v2 was the voice running amok inside Dubya's brain.

Can you imagine what the Smothers Brothers would have done with something like that during their Vietnam War special?
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

NBA or the NFL?  :confused:

36 have been accused of spousal abuse
7 have been arrested for fraud
19 have been accused of writing bad checks
117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at  least 2 businesses
3 have done time for assault
71,repeat 71 cannotget a  credit card due to bad credit
14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
8 have been arrested for shoplifting
21currentlyare defendants in lawsuits, and
84 have been arrested for drunk driving within the last year

Can you guess which organization this is?  NBA?  NFL?



Give up?  Scroll down


Neither. It's the 535 members of  the United States Congress.

The same group who crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep US in line.

Note:  I don't know if this is true or not, I just suspect it is.  Eagle
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Ever been up $hit creek without a paddle?
 

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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Five surgeons are discussing which patients make the best surgical
candidates.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table.
When you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything
inside them is color coded.

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best;
everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end. And if the job takes longer than you said it would, no big deal."

But the fifth surgeon topped them all. "You're all wrong. Politicians are> the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no
brains and no spine. And on top of that, the head and the ass are
interchangeable."
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Hey Steve--

the way I first heard this was that the fifth patient was a LAWYER!!!!!!!!!! :D

on 2nd thought maybe the patients are interchangable!!!!! :D

Professor
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Iranian President's letter to Bush:
........
Click to expand...

ROLFLMAO!!!

This guy is a fruity as Idi Amin. :uglystupid:

I work with an Iranian [Persian, to you, mate] who flew the coop. He is in dispair. He wants the Arabs and Muslims to leave his country so they can go back to Zorastra. :D

El Gitano
 
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