It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020

Status
Not open for further replies.
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Not sure whether this belongs here or in the immigration thread....

A Texas couple, both real-life rednecks, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed".

They told the doc what they wanted, and explained to him that it was important they have this done since neither of them spoke Spanish.

Obvously puzzled by this statement, the doc asked, "What does the fact you don't speak Spanish have to do with not wanting to have more children?"

The husband replied, "We don't think it would be fair to have another child and not be able to talk to it."

Even more puzzled, the doc said, "Why do you think you wouldn't be able to talk to it?"

"Well," said the husband, "they said on the news that one out of every ten children being born in North America was Mexican."
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Cute Fuzzy Bunny said:
An older guy goes into the drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some viagra.

"How many?"

"Oh, just a half dozen or so. I cut them into quarters."

"Thats not enough of a dose to get you through an intimacy session!"

"I'm 84. All I want is for the thing to stick out far enough so I dont pee on my new golf shoes."
Click to expand...

Hey Jarhead!

You gonna let him get away with this one? :LOL:
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

A blonde in an open sports car, top down, gets pulled over by a motorcycle cop, also a blonde.
The cop asks the driver for her license.
The blonde driver starts looking through her handbag, asking, " I can't seem to find it. What does it look like again?"
The blonde cop says, " It's square with your picture on it."
The driver finds her compact mirror and hands it over to the cop who examines it carefully.
"You can go," the she says. "You should have told me you were a cop."
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

This pretty much sums up my life at work.
 

Attachments

  • 2halloween[1].jpg
    2halloween[1].jpg
    27.7 KB · Views: 180
  • 2halloween[1].jpg_thumb
    25.4 KB · Views: 4
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

How do you catch a polar bear?

Cut a large hole in the ice.

Spread some peas around the hole, then hide.

When the bear tries to take a pea, kick him in the ice hole.
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Age vs. Priorities



As we age, our priorities change....



The other day Bob, age 70, came home and was greeted by his wife, dressed only in very sexy underwear and holding a couple of short velvet ropes.



"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."



So, Bob tied her up and went golfing.
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Sooooo:confused:

Viagra improves your golf game? What a bonus!

heh heh heh
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

A British company is developing computer chips that
store music in women's breast implants.

This is a major breakthrough, as women are always
complaining about men staring at their breasts and
not listening to them.
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

unclemick2 said:
Viagra improves your golf game?
Click to expand...

Depends on what you use for a club.

Bpp
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

poboy said:
A British company is developing computer chips that
store music in women's breast implants.

This is a major breakthrough, as women are always
complaining about men staring at their breasts and
not listening to them.
Click to expand...

keep us abreast of this device!
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

A cowboy gets pulled over by a State Trooper for speeding. The trooper lectures the cowboy about his speeding, talking down to him in a derogatory manner.

Finally, the trooper finishes his tirade and begins writing out a ticket. As he writes, he swats at some flies that buzz around his head.

The cowboy asks, "Y'all havin' some problem with circle flies?"

The trooper relpies, "Well yeah, if that's what they're called. But I never heard of circle flies."

"Well, sir," the cowboy responds, "Circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper shouts, “Cowboy, are you callin' me a horse's ass?!!"

"Oh, no sir!" the cowboy replies. "I got way too much respect for law enforcement to call y'all a horse's ass."

"That's a good thing," the trooper says, giving the cowboy a disapproving look and going back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says,
"Hard to fool them flies though."
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

An old lady recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said she was doing "fairly well" for her age.

A little concerned about that comment, Ishe couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 100?"
He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?"
"Oh no," she replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
She said, "No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"
"No, I don't," She said.
He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fas! t cars, or have a lot of sex?"
"No," she said. "I don't do any of those things."

He looked at her and said, "Then, why do you give a sh*t?"
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Yard Work........As Viewed From Heaven

God: Frank, you know all about gardens and nature; what in the world
is going on down there in the U.S.? What happened to the dandelions,
violets, thistles and the stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect
no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil,
withstand drought, and multiply with abandon.

The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies,
honeybees, and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of
color by now. All I see are patches of green.

St. Francis: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. They are
called the Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers "weeds" and
went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

God: Grass? But it is so boring, it's not colorful. It doesn't
attract butterflies, bees or birds, only grubs and sod worms. It's
temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want
grass
growing there?

St. Francis: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it has grown a little,
they cut it....sometimes two times a week.

God: They cut it? Do they bale it like hay?

St. Francis: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it
in bags.

God: The y bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

St. Francis: No sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

God: Now let me get this straight...they fertilize it to make it
grow and when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

St. Francis: Yes, sir.

God: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut
back
on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and
saves them a lot of work.

St. Francis: You aren't going to believe this Lord, but when the
grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to
water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

God: What nonsense! At least they kept some of the trees. That was a
sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in
the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they
fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep the moisture in
the soil and protect the trees and bushes.

Plus, as they rot, the leaves become compost to enhance the soil. It's a
natural circle of life.

St. Francis: You'd better sit down, Lord. As soon as the leaves
fall, the Suburbanites rake them into great piles and pay to have them
hauled away.

God: No way! What do they do to protect the shrubs and tree roots in
the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?

St. Francis: After throwing the leaves away, they go out and buy
something called mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place
of the leaves.

God: And where do they get this mulch?

St. Francis: They cut down the trees and grind them up to make
mulch.

God: Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. Saint
Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled
for us tonight?

St. Catherine: "Dumb and Dumber," Lord. It's a really stupid movie
about....

God: Never mind--I think I just heard the whole story from Saint
Francis
 
Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

A 13 year-old boy comes home from school and his mom asks how his
day was. He replies, "I had sex with my teacher today."

"Oh my god! You get to your room! Wait till your father comes
home!!!", says the mom.

A while later the father comes home and the mom says, "Go up to
your son's room and talk to him. He's been really bad today."

Dad goes up to the son's room and asks why mom is so mad. "I told
her I had sex with my teacher today," replied the boy.

"Alright! That's my boy!", says dad. "Ya know son, women just
don't think like men. But I'm proud of you. What are you now,
about thirteen, right? Wow. That's my boy! Ya know what? I'm so
proud of you I'm gonna take you out and buy you that new shiny
bike you've been wanting!"

So the dad and his son go out and buy the nicest, reddest,
shiniest bike in the whole town. "You gonna ride it home son?"
Asks dad.

The boy replied, "Nah, my rear is still sore."
 
Status
Not open for further replies.

Similar threads

M
A Day in Provence
Replies
11
Views
1K
oiseux
O
Southern Geek
A 2022 Medicare Enrollment Tale
Replies
10
Views
2K
Southern Geek
Southern Geek
W
need advice from people who have done a lot of crazy things in life
5 6 7
Replies
157
Views
49K
Jeffman52
J
W
private boarding high school for niece
2 3
Replies
55
Views
4K
kfsinc
K
street
Christmas Story
Replies
6
Views
899
travelover
travelover

Latest posts

Back
Top Bottom