Can I have a do-over here? Please accept my humblest apology and allow me rewrite my "Hi, I am..." introduction:
"Hi, my pen name is MMND. I love to write, but I stink at it. I'm nothing special, so I hope you guys won't mind if I hang around - don't worry, after I beg you for your autographs, I won't get in anyone's way. You are all sooooo brilliant, and well, I'm just a stupid little pee-on. See, I'm just a flunk out in life 'cuz I couldn't afford to finish college.
And, uh, you all are just so stinkin' RICH! Wow! Tell me, what does it FEEL like to have so much money? Gosh, I'm really embarrassed to admit this here, but here goes...my net worth is only a measly 1.6MM. Yeah, I know, chump change. Embarrassing. Don't tell anyone, K? Can you super intelligent, super successful and super rich people pretty please spare me some time to give me a proper financial education so I can grow up to be as rich as you are? (I know I'll never be as smart or successful, so I won't even hope for that.)
Oh my gawd, I am so embarrassed to admit this to all of you, but here it goes. I mean, I did a really stupid thing. I sold my house... and I, uh, am a renter now. (I know, I know, what in the world was I thinking
) Everyone told me I was nuts to believe that there was a housing bubble and someday it would have to pop - guess it was just dumb luck that it really did happen. Even poor, dummy people like me get lucky once in awhile. Thank goodness for luck or I'd be nowhere in life.
Since I'm in confession mode, I should add that I am so gullible and so naive that I fell for a get-rich-quick investment scheme. I paid some complete stranger $149 for a newsletter that says it offers some mathematical formula for knowing what mutual funds to buy (but I don't get what all those numbers mean, 'cuz remember, I couldn't afford to finish my college education). Since I paid so much for the stupid newsletter, I did try it. Thank gawd I got lucky again (someone's lookin' out for me, that's for sure), because my investments have been doing better than all of my friends for years, somehow. Dumb luck, I tell ya.
Please, smart people, obviously I need your help. If you don't save me from my stupid choices, I'm gonna end up in the poor house eatin' cat food. I can't do that to my little girl, ya know. So please, help me? Thank you, thank you, thank you, for listening to little 'ol me this long. I'm gonna go back to baking cookies - now that is the one thing I
do know how to do!