Need advice about dealing with elderly friend

[bambambam]

Hi – I’m a long time lurker here and would be grateful for some advice.

I have an elderly family friend who I call or visit when I’m in my hometown. She has no children. She is still competent. She appointed two nephews as Power of Attorney. One died, and life has been very unkind to the other in recent years, to the point that he’s now struggling with mental health issues. He can barely manage his own affairs and is in no position to manage hers. Sadly his situation is unlikely to improve anytime soon.

I have encouraged her to select one or two other people and get a new Power of Attorney document prepared. She has not taken any action. She seems paralyzed in indecision. My sense is that she sees her remaining relatives as too busy, living too far away, not sufficiently responsible, or they’re relatives she’s not that close to so she doesn’t feel comfortable asking. I am not able and willing to be POA myself.

I do not know the family dynamics, but I suspect it’s not a close-knit group. I don’t even know how many nieces and nephews she has. I don’t know whether any are sufficiently knowledgeable to realize the potential downsides of her current POA situation.

The question: I know the names of a couple of her relatives and could probably find contact information for one of them. Should I be alerting them that she probably isn’t going to appoint another POA without some assistance? Or should I stay out of it?

 

[njhowie]

You should stay out of it. You advised her what she should do. She is still competent, and so you've done your part. Do not do anything more, it can only lead to trouble for you, and potentially a broken friendship.

Things will take care of themselves one way or another.

 

[Koolau]

I think it's okay to talk to your friend and perhaps give some advice. BUT I'd avoid talking to anyone else in her family circle about it. That sounds almost inappropriate to me, but I don't know your relationship with them. YMMV as always.

 

[youbet]

You should stay out of it. You advised her what she should do. She is still competent, and so you've done your part. Do not do anything more, it can only lead to trouble for you, and potentially a broken friendship.

Things will take care of themselves one way or another.

+1 Absolutely.

 

[Calico]

You should stay out of it. You advised her what she should do. She is still competent, and so you've done your part. Do not do anything more, it can only lead to trouble for you, and potentially a broken friendship.

Things will take care of themselves one way or another.

+2

 

[mystang52]

You should stay out of it. You advised her what she should do. She is still competent, and so you've done your part. Do not do anything more, it can only lead to trouble for you, and potentially a broken friendship.

Things will take care of themselves one way or another.

+3 [beating a dead horse, I guess] Unsolicited advice is never heeded, anyway.

 

[street]

+4 on staying out of it.

 

[CRLLS]

+5 If another vote will make a difference.

 

[Teacher Terry]

Definitely stay out of her business since you gave advice. It’s up to her to decide what to do.

 

[MarieIG]

I'm sorry + 6 as to stay out of it.

 

[pacergal]

Since you are unwilling and unable to be her POA, if she were to ask, I don't think there is much more you can do. I definitely would not contact other family members behind her back.
You could advise her that she has the opportunity to name a trusted professional as POA, it doesn't need to be family.
It is good of you to maintain contact and visit her. That is very kind.

 

[lemming]

Say this person is "asking for a friend" when he really needs advice.
Like my situation.
Say you are old and the hospital wants a POA when you don't have anybody you know or trust. Seek out a competent legal/CPA/eldercare person for finances.? Health- why won't they take some sort of boiler plate form that says I'm tired of this **** and just want good drugs-don't drag someone in that I haven't seen in 20 years to pull the plug.
For all the finance books that are written there seems to be no good answers for dying over the last decades. rant ended.
For the OP how did the conversation come up? Is she worried ? Was she asking for your help? Could you give her help.?

 

[Mr._Graybeard]

Say this person is "asking for a friend" when he really needs advice.
Like my situation.
Say you are old and the hospital wants a POA when you don't have anybody you know or trust. Seek out a competent legal/CPA/eldercare person for finances.? Health- why won't they take some sort of boiler plate form that says I'm tired of this **** and just want good drugs-don't drag someone in that I haven't seen in 20 years to pull the plug.
For all the finance books that are written there seems to be no good answers for dying over the last decades. rant ended.
For the OP how did the conversation come up? Is she worried ? Was she asking for your help? Could you give her help.?

This is so true.

 

[bambambam]

The elderly friend brought up the topic with my sister, who she’s closer to. Business matters are not my sister’s strong point, so my sister told her to talk to me.

She has a habit of bringing up important topics at the very end of a conversation or visit when there isn’t time left to deal with them properly. And like many people, she isn’t the clearest communicator, and she isn’t keen on imperfect solutions, even if those solutions are much better than the status quo.

One of the few things I’m confident about in this situation is she doesn’t have enough money to pay a professional.

Thanks for all the responses. They are clear and helpful.

 

[Amethyst]

I believe it is mostly due to fear of lawsuits from relatives, claiming "unlawful death" or some such.

Health- why won't they take some sort of boiler plate form that says I'm tired of this **** and just want good drugs-don't drag someone in that I haven't seen in 20 years to pull the plug.
?

 

[tryan]

Attorneys play POA all the time ... ask her if she "trusts" hers