Regretting Grey Divorce

[Bamaman]

One common thread in gray divorce is depression. And often a depressed person is just a pill a day from getting to feel much better.I

But there are cases where reconciliation is impossible. In those situations where the spark is gone forever, divorce is a business decision. There's often too many brain games going on. Split the assets and not the road, Jack.

 

[athena53]

I Almost the first hit was this medical article, which boils down to "endometrial cancer = no sex ever again." More precisely, the article states "A review of the international literature reveals that significant sexual morbidity occurs for gynecologic cancer survivors, and that there has been little reduction in either the incidence or the severity of problems over the last 50 years..."

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2904608/

I'd hate to think that that factor in itself would break up a marriage. DH weakened over a period of years and I honestly can't remember the last time we had a sexual encounter but it was probably 4+ years ago. It was a loss but the marriage remained strong.

Not to discount other factors in having a spouse with cancer- the caregiving, the mess, sometimes personality changes (my husband remained sweet and mellow to the end but that doesn't always happen) as well as lingering health effects after someone has "beaten" cancer but been almost killed by chemo. Someone may want to walk away from bad memories by divorcing the person they were with through the whole thing.

 

[Amethyst]

All those hideous stresses apply to many kinds of cancer, and there can be many worse cancer-survival outcomes than loss of sex; still, the poster emphasized "endometrial" without explanation, leaving us to draw our own conclusions. I am very sorry for both parties. EDIT: The long article I linked to, specifically states that women who've survived gynecologic cancers, often cite loss of their lives as sexual beings to be the worst effect of the disease, which not infrequently results in divorce.

I'd hate to think that that factor in itself would break up a marriage. DH weakened over a period of years and I honestly can't remember the last time we had a sexual encounter but it was probably 4+ years ago. It was a loss but the marriage remained strong.

Not to discount other factors in having a spouse with cancer- .

 

[spncity]

All those hideous stresses apply to many kinds of cancer, and there can be many worse cancer-survival outcomes than loss of sex; still, the poster emphasized "endometrial" without explanation, leaving us to draw our own conclusions. I am very sorry for both parties. EDIT: The long article I linked to, specifically states that women who've survived gynecologic cancers, often cite loss of their lives as sexual beings to be the worst effect of the disease, which not infrequently results in divorce.

Thank you for taking the time to post. I've read about half of the article so far and it has been leading me to understand (along with what you summarized) how damaging this can be to many.

 

[Teacher Terry]

when men get treatment for prostrate cancer their sexual life is gone. I think if the marriage is basically a good one that it can survive the loss. My DH got it at 49 and I am thankful that he is alive and well.

 

[medved]

when men get treatment for prostrate cancer their sexual life is gone. .

Fortunately, that is not always the case. Even with radical prostatectomy, which typically causes more erectile dysfunction than other prostate cancer treatments, sex life is not always over. Sure, it changes. But many men can and do recover erectile function, though it may take some time, and some viagra, or other approaches. And other prostate cancer treatments typically have less impact on erectile function.

I just would not want people reading this to think that if you have prostate cancer treatment, your sex life is necessarily over.

 

[Teacher Terry]

WEll my DH had the seeds implanted hoping to keep some of his sexual function versus the surgery. We have known others that had the surgery. Pills like Viagra don't do a thing. There are shots you can do and if the dose is too little it won't work and if too much the penis becomes engorged, won't go down and you have to go the hospital to have it drained because an erection that lasts more then 4 hours is a serious medical condition. Good luck finding the right dose that allows the man to have a climax. The final solution of course is a penile implant but insurance does not cover it and it is expensive. When talking to other couples their experience has been similar. The only person we know that kept their sex life had the implant.

 

[kcowan]

when men get treatment for prostrate cancer their sexual life is gone. I think if the marriage is basically a good one that it can survive the loss. My DH got it at 49 and I am thankful that he is alive and well.

Yes we also have friends who have endured that effect and they seem to be even more loving! Perhaps it just serves as a magnifier.

 

[Bestwifeever]

I'd hate to think that that factor in itself would break up a marriage. DH weakened over a period of years and I honestly can't remember the last time we had a sexual encounter but it was probably 4+ years ago. It was a loss but the marriage remained strong.

Not to discount other factors in having a spouse with cancer- the caregiving, the mess, sometimes personality changes (my husband remained sweet and mellow to the end but that doesn't always happen) as well as lingering health effects after someone has "beaten" cancer but been almost killed by chemo. Someone may want to walk away from bad memories by divorcing the person they were with through the whole thing.

Your late husband sounds like a very special person, as do you.

Per the OP whose wife was treated for endometrial cancer: "DW filed for divorce 2 weeks ago, I know she's doing it for me. I said I didn't want it but deep down I know it's probably the best thing for both of us...." It sounds like she wanted him to have a more fulfilling personal life than she could provide. That must be a very difficult and bittersweet decision.

 

[Teacher Terry]

I just find it sad unless the marriage was not good in other ways then that is probably the last straw.

 

[Meadbh]

Whatever happened to those marriage vows, like "for better or for worse"?

Bailing out when "worse" comes along doesn't seem kosher to me. If a marriage relies on everything being "better" indefinitely, I wonder what kind of commitment was involved.

Glad to be single.

 

[Teacher Terry]

Many couples make it through hard times. My Dad had a major stroke at 59 and my Mom cared for him at home for 14 years. My BF's Mom just put her 85 yo husband in an nursing home because his Alzheimer's became so bad that she could no longer pick him up when he fell, change his diapers etc. She is the same age as him. Lots of committed couples.

 

[Nemo2]

Many couples make it through hard times. My Dad had a major stroke at 59 and my Mom cared for him at home for 14 years. My BF's Mom just put her 85 yo husband in an nursing home because his Alzheimer's became so bad that she could no longer pick him up when he fell, change his diapers etc. She is the same age as him. Lots of committed couples.

My cousin, just turned 66, and her husband, about to turn 74, (no kids), have her mother, my aunt by marriage, living with them.

Her mom turned 90 in January and is in pretty good physical health; however her mental situation dictates that one of them must be at home with her at all times, (mom won't tolerate 'others' looking after her).

Consequently their lives are flashing by. They'd like to travel, they'd like to do a lot of things, but will they ever get the opportunity?

 

[Teacher Terry]

She should not be putting her kids in that situation. The Mom needs to go into a home so they can enjoy their remaining years. Fortunately my Dad could be left alone. YOu just had to be there for breakfast and dinner to be made for him. My Mom took 2 week vacations and since we lived next door it was easy for me to care for him besides my own family.

 

[Nemo2]

She should not be putting her kids in that situation. The Mom needs to go into a home so they can enjoy their remaining years.

Unfortunately people with dementia are, it appears, rarely reasonable.

 

[Teacher Terry]

I know that and have experienced it first hand. I would put her in a home if I were the kids. 18 months ago I had to put a very good friend of mine in a home and I thought we were going to have to give her Xanax to go. Her DH was dying, she had no kids or family so I became her guardian. It took me, my husband, her husband a a SW to convince her she had no choice. She had dementia and could not care for herself. He was going to live with his son because he was dying and could no longer care for her or himself. WE cared for both of them for about 6 months by running to their home about 4x's/day. When I would go visit she would beg me to take her home with me. It got so that I could not bring her to the house because how would I get a 6 ft woman to leave if she decided not to.

 

[NW-Bound]

Speaking of tumors, Google Endometrial Cancer. That's what has ended our 33 year marriage. The wife survived, the marriage didn't. Not surprising the Cancer Doc told DW 8 years ago we would most probably get divorced...

I am sorry that it ended this way for you both. I wonder what made the doctor said that.

This reminds me of this excellent book, The Cancer Chronicles: Unlocking Medicine's Deepest Mystery (2014) by George Johnson. His wife had a severe stage 4 uterine cancer, but survived after drastic surgeries. Their marriage did not. If I recall correctly, he said perhaps she blamed him for not wanting children; statistics show a lesser risk of cancer for women who have gone through pregnancies.

 

[Teacher Terry]

Marriages often don't survive a major illness or death of a child because if one person has not been that happy they realize that their own time could be short and do they want to spend it with this person. Often the answer is no.

 

[Bestwifeever]

Marriages often don't survive a major illness or death of a child because if one person has not been that happy they realize that their own time could be short and do they want to spend it with this person. Often the answer is no.

Are there studies showing a marriage must have already been less than happy if it ends after an event as sad as the loss of a child? It must be horrific first to endure that grief and then to be judged, if the pain is too difficult for one or both parents to share and a divorce ensues, as not being happy before the tragedy.

 

[dixonge]

I will simply state that I am very glad my wife is patient and a bit stubborn. I'm lucky she stuck around until I got my sh*t together.

Having said that, this article makes me nervous LOL

 

[Music Lover]

Marriages often don't survive a major illness or death of a child because if one person has not been that happy they realize that their own time could be short and do they want to spend it with this person. Often the answer is no.

This is exactly what happened to a gal I know. She got cancer and was lucky enough to survive. She filed for divorce shortly after the diagnosis and later told me that it took getting cancer for her to really open her eyes to how short life was and that's when she decided not to waste any more time with a bad husband.

 

[Teacher Terry]

There have been quite a few studies on this.

 

[Teacher Terry]

When parents lose a child some that were happy before still divorce because they are each grieving so bad that they can't support the other person.

 

[Moemg]

When parents lose a child some that were happy before still divorce because they are each grieving so bad that they can't support the other person.

I am not married but in a 17 year relationship . We were together three years when my son died . Losing a child intensifies the grief process by at least 20 . I have never been so angry in my life . I was not pleasant or rational to be with . It was a rocky time for our relationship but we survived .It made the rest of the challenges small including some serious health issues.

 

[GravitySucks]

I will simply state that I am very glad my wife is patient and a bit stubborn. I'm lucky she stuck around until I got my sh*t together.

Having said that, this article makes me nervous LOL

And I am happy DW was a procrastinator. Lots of Sunday mornings I heard "I'm getting a lawyer Monday!"
[emoji14]

Seriously, long illnesses put a stress on all parts of your life. The marriage is not immune. DWs PA told me almost all her patients going through what we did were divorced by the third year. We held on but things were not good.