Seclusion in FIRE?

[NW-Bound]

I have always been an introvert, but when working I enjoyed talking to other nerdy engineers about all sorts of subjects at lunch. They all tend to be more conservative than the public. However, I do not socialize with them outside of work.

Since retirement, I still have my extended family and relatives, many living in town. Up in my part-time 2nd home, I often socialize with the neighbors, though some we only see once or twice a year. I am going to throw a party for them on Labor Day weekend. Somehow, I am not close to the neighbors in the main home, where I live most of the year.

 

[frayne]

Mead and Healthy brought up another struggle I am going to have to face;
personal identity and professional persona. In reading "how to retire wild, happy, and free", I realized that my personal identity is almost completely wrapped up in my profession. Somewhere, along the way, I lost almost everything else that I was and i either have to find that person again or develop a new one.

Time will change that but it does take some time and the desire to do so. A change of venue and getting into different social circles helps a bunch. After 32 years with mega corp in somewhat of a visible position in a small town I couldn't wait to make the move to a larger city if nothing else than to gain some anonymity. (I literally could not leave my house without running into someone who knew me.) After ten years of retirement and nine years living in a location 500 miles from where I worked, I have divorced myself from my former vocation identity.

As a side note my neighbor was the high school principal and ended up in Key West to make the escape after his retirement.

 

[Car-Guy]

I am retiring in mid-2016 and they only thoughts I have about retirement right now are pull the blinds, don't answer the phone or the door.

I am thinking that I just want to be in peace and quiet. For those of you that had similar circumstances, did you feel the same near retirement? Do those feelings fade months into retirement?

I wanted peace and quite too. We moved out of the big city after I retired to "way out in the country". In the 10 years we have had this place in the country, we have never had anyone knock on our door. (zero) Maybe is has something to do with living on a private road out in the middle of nowhere and having a no trespassing sign on main gate several hundred yards from any public roadway. We added our home phone to the National Do Not Call Registry and rarely get any unwanted calls. Sometimes the phone doesn't ring for a week or more.

Never missed any of knocks on the door, endless sales calls, late calls from work, etc....

 

[Midpack]

I enjoyed the solitude and solo activities when I first retired. However, I have to say, after almost 4 years in, I could use a little more companionship than I have now. One of the very few drawbacks of early retirement, for me, is that I no longer have the built in social network that came with a job, even though that had plenty of drawbacks, too.

This describes me too, but there is no norm or right answer. Unlike full on extroverts, I enjoy time alone. But I need companionship too. I did not fully appreciate that until the built in social interaction at work was absent. Fortunately I have found that balance in retirement, with just enough group activities to keep me engaged.

When DW retires, I will probably have to adjust again, but I am sure we'll both find our balance in time.

My parents, especially my Dad, lost all their social connections later in life. It was not good for them. We need interaction to keep our heads on straight IMO.

 

[brewer12345]

I still do some consulting work and stay in touch with former colleagues, plus both kids are in school, so I have more social contact than I really want/need. One of the attractions of leaving the cube job was that I could check out from all the enforced contact. I am jonesing for hunting season to start so hat I can shut the cell phone off, head into the woods, and not hear from or talk to anyone all day (except maybe a game warden for 5 minutes). If you need solitude, take it. If you cannot move (which would be the cleanest solution), go on a long trip.

 

[Hermit]

I was going to suggest moving 1000 miles from work, staking a claim to the top of a mountain, no cell or other phone service, and becoming a ... Hermit! Worked for me!

But something tells me your DW may not go for it.

Hermit

 

[NW-Bound]

We need interaction to keep our heads on straight IMO.

Lack of any contact can turn us into Ted Kaczynski?

I read blogs of a few RV full-timers, many are single men and women who travel in solitude, and live in the outdoors such as the national forests, not RV parks. Still, they write their blogs and have people to communicate with. They also meet up with other RV'ers from time to time, but they are mostly alone. And when they look for a place to camp, the 1st thing they look for is a strong cell phone signal to allow them the Internet connection to the world.

It's tough to be truly solitary. In fact, putting people in an isolation cell is a common form of torture. In the old days, how did people live in solitude in places like Alaska?

 

[FreeBear]

This grinder we call w*rk is crazy. The demands to make you BE the work borders on ridiculous. I try to keep my hand in things completely out of my field so when I finally get over this OMY disease, I can leave it all behind.

That's wise Joe, will help ease the transition.

I pursued music and photography late into the night during my w*rk years. I felt I lead an exhausting double life for decades.

Now I'm just that guy who plays electric guitar all day (my perception) or that bum who does nothing but sit at home or play out on the lake all day (others perception).

 

[FreeBear]

My parents, especially my Dad, lost all their social connections later in life. It was not good for them. We need interaction to keep our heads on straight IMO.

This is a concern for me too. I consider myself an introvert, but I cherish time with a few close friends and anyone of similar interests. I even enjoy random casual conversations, now that I have energy for both myself and others in ER.

I'm planning to enlarge my currently tiny circle of friends hopefully to include more folks with similar interests in music and faith/church matters. This is a challenge to my introvert nature, and I'm reluctant to get dragged into the forced socialization typical in the former w*rkplace. I'll figure out some sort of balance; I've made it this far!

 

[Mulligan]

Erkevin, I had exact same job as you. The high school principal for 8 years over 1,000 kids in HS, in a small rural town of 5k or so. Retired in same town now 6 years, and am left alone largely except to hellos while shopping.
I enjoy being anonymous now and have large tracts of free time as all my friends and GF still work. BTW- I didn't catch as much harassment as you probably did. One of my assistant principals was a lifer here and went to school there himself; I was the transplant. Parents liked to bother him all the time because they knew him and many grew up with him.


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[FIYes]

My dad was a high school principal so I know the stress that you mention in you original post. Dad did not ER and and did not embrace the idea of retirement. It was an adjustment for him when he retired at 65. However, once he retired and got away from the stress he became a much more relaxed person. I think his true personality begin to shine through once he shed the stress that comes with being a principal in a small town high school. He had many interests and developed several hobbies in retirement. Once my mother retired they snowbirded until his death. I think his retirement years were enjoyable.


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[imoldernu]

No advice, but our experience.

Retiring at 53 with not quite enough money, we moved to a campground... away from the involvement with our social/manager/consulant/helper/go-to-person responsibilities. Not an intentional break, but one that worked to a happy result... A chance to reinvent ourselves to whatever we wanted to be. Never gave up what was ingrained... compassion, service, positive outlook etc... but way to 'untrap' from those personal connections to volunteer organizations, less than friendly 'friends', and the expenses and congestion of an upscale community, and the 'busyness' of a go-go young competitive local society.

We didn't do this on purpose, but it worked out perfectly. Rebuilding everything we loved, leaving behind the more onerous parts of life. Who knew Imagine... (back in the 90's) me, who hadn't danced since high school... three times a week square dancing... then ballroom dancing when we went to FL. Emceeing parties and shows, and finding people with the same interests and outlook on life.

But, back to the original question... Seclusion in retirement. Absolutely!!!
At one time in the pre FIRE days, the fantasy was to throw a brick through the bank window, and go to jail for a year. Away from people and responsibilities... A stack of books to read and no one to bother. The less aggressive plan was to live on a mountain top with barbed wire around my property.

In retrospect, although our decisions were for a different reason, I think it would have been good to take a break, away from my community for an extended vacation... maybe a few months rental in an active retirement community, far away. Costwise, in our midFlorida area, less than $6K for 3 monhs..
Whether Texas, Arizona, or any other well known snowbird area, the same kind of lifestyle change.

Pre-retirement, a chance to spend some time, looking ahead. It's exactly what two of our kids (age 57) are doing. She retired in May, he will retire in another year. They're planning ahead, and investigating all possibilities, using our FL park as a base to investigate retirement communities. They explore, together when possible, and she alone when he's working. As of today, they're in N.Carolina... looking.

Naturally finances come into this. DS and DIL are looking to dump a 12K house tax plus a relatively heavy state tax, so the investigations for an alternate home base promise to pay for the search.

Not a choice for those who choose to live and die in LA, but one possibility for those who haven't yet decided whether or not to keep the homestead.

 

[Danmar]

I also had a very high profile job and tended to define myself by the job. Been 9 years now and have gradually redefined myself, I think. I told one of my high profile co workers of my retirement plans a few months before retiring and his response really surprised me. He said "if you retire no one will know who you are". My response was, "exactly". Would be tougher to do in a small town. We moved after retirement and I basically reinvented myself. Everything is good.

 

[Cobra9777]

I'm 2 years into ER from a high profile managerial position, although nothing quite as visible as HS principal in a small town. The job was all-consuming, defined my identity, and all my social interactions stemmed from work relationships. Since ER, I've been a happy hermit, mostly doing projects around the house, hobbies (music, woodworking, building PCs), or nothing at all. Of course, lots of interaction with immediate family that all live nearby and one long-time family friend who is basically family. Otherwise, next to nothing. I have purposefully avoided social interactions. And honestly I've loved every minute.

But I've just about got it out of my system, whatever "it" was. And I find myself starting to look for more social interaction. I've stepped up my acceptance ratio for lunch invitations from former coworkers. Many are my age and like to pick my brain about retirement topics, which I enjoy talking about. Not much shop talk these days unless I ask, how's old so-and-so? I've also run into 2 local people I knew before Megacorp. About once a month, we meet for coffee, or go see a local band, or some similar activity. That's been nice and I find myself saying yes more than I used to, or even initiating some activities.

So who knows, maybe there's hope for some of us previously-over-exposed introverts.

 

[Kabekew]

A fellow retired executive friend with a similar identity issue got himself a job at Home Depot for a while; more or less to kill time.

One day, as he was stocking paint buckets, he said to himself, "what am I doing here? I'm a vice president!...".

At that moment he realized that he wasn't a 'vice president'...he was just "Bill" working at Home Depot. It cured him!! It helped him get on the road to 'himself'.

I tried something like that recently for part-time positions, thinking I could meet some people and learn a new industry, but got rejected by everyone. I met the qualifications, and didn't show anything that would indicate I'm overqualified. I think they figured my age (from my year of graduation) and wondered why a 45 year old man would be applying for an entry-level job (I had zero experience in retail or hospitality so that was really all I could apply for). They probably figured I had been in prison or something the past 25 years.

 

[FUEGO]

Sometimes I like the solitude, too. Just tell folks you're busy, gotta run, see ya later, etc.

I usually have to run the people gauntlet when I'm walking the half mile to/from school to pick up or drop off kids. There's a lot of older neighbors of traditional retirement age that looooove to stop me and chat. Then there are the friends that might be in their driveway or driving down the street wanting to chat, set up a playdate for our respective children, etc.

The whole time I'm thinking "I really want to go home and play computer games for the next two blissful hours" or "I just need to get to school to get the kids at 3:00 sharp".

"I gotta run but we'll catch up later" often does the trick.

As for real friends, those social encounters are easier to control. Don't feel like hanging out this week? Tell your bud something came up (even if it's only you wanting to sit at home, sip coffee or beer and read a book).

This week has been kind of crazy socially with a lunch with an old friend and an afternoon with friends fixing cars, talking business and investments. Tomorrow is coffee with another 30-something early retiree. Monday is play date at the park with our 3 year old and a neighbor and her twin 3 year olds.

Tuesday is an empty day on my schedule (so far) and I'm looking forward to taking the day off. But I also enjoy the company of others in moderation, otherwise I'd refuse to hang out with them. Definitely loving the complete lack of forced socialization that was the office environment. Now I get to choose who I hang out with and exactly zero of them are jack asses.

 

[kcowan]

I was the CEO of a company of 650 and I was the subject of their gossip. When I moved to the west coast and they recruited my replacement, I spent 6 months mentoring their selection in the east.

Then I managed a startup for 5 years. The main challenge was answering questions from my friends of why I retired. I said being good at somethings does not mean working at it for life.

Retirement requires developing a new set of skills.

 

[EastWest Gal]

My melancholy moment:

This seems to be about letting go and moving on. The older we get, the more we are forced into letting go. There is both pain and freedom in this process. Our best neighbors just told us they were moving to a retirement/condo community. Ouch!

My dearest former work colleague moved halfway across the country two weeks ago. Ouch!

I moved from all that I held dear except DH and DS 16 years ago. Ouch for those we left behind.

It seems this process accelerates in ER and in our later years.

What I find the most difficult to grasp is the "what ifs" my imagination embraced for my life.

Those who I loved should have been together more, but w**k and children got in the way.


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[Markola]

I think you are articulating well the sad flip side of having such great freedom as we have in America, where the grass is always greener.


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[heyyou]

In retirement, you can become who you want to be, instead of who you had to be in order to do your job.
Can you imagine reading a book, cover to cover in one day? Retirees get to do that.

During my second year of retirement, I found volunteer work that suited me well. The first 6-8 years of retirement were the best years of my life. I wish you the same.

 

[Which Roger]

In a way, I feel lucky that my Megacorp was struggling and all the opportunities for creative and interesting work that had existed in the past disappeared for the last few years of my career (along with most of the co-workers who I considered friends). I naturally replaced the creativity and social interactions that once existed in the office with endeavors and a social life separate from w*rk. So when I pulled the plug, my retirement identity was dominant, and my w*rk identity barely existed anymore. It made the transition very easy.

 

[ExFlyBoy5]

I have always fancied myself as an introvert, so my retirement has been great...I simply slipped off of everyone's radar. I get the occasional e-mail or text but it's never related to my previous j*b.

Now that I am doing the law school thing (not to be a lawyer, just one of those things I thought I'd 'give it a try') I am very annoyed at all the "networking" that goes on. Not the networking per se, but people trying to DRAG me down that road. Some classmates have threatened to nominate me for the student bar association "class leader" position...they don't seem to understand that I am ONLY there for the education and I'm there FOR ME, and no one else. We will see if I make it past the first semester!

 

[freebird5825]

It took me a few years to go from being a high achiever total extrovert to a calm relaxed FIREee. I still have some thoughts about "I should be doing something, achieving something" but then I go play with my plants and that feeling passes.

I'm FIREd since 2007, so I should be chilled out by now. 80% of the time I'm good about just doing what the hell I want to do. The other 20%...I'm getting there.

For the OP, you will find the path to your steady state.

 

[LoneAspen]

I usually have to run the people gauntlet when I'm walking the half mile to/from school to pick up or drop off kids. There's a lot of older neighbors of traditional retirement age that looooove to stop me and chat.

I faced the same thing as a kid, and hated it. I grew up in a neighborhood of mostly older people and retirees, and the neighbors loved to stop me and chat as I was coming or going from the house. We didn't have a garage, either, but an open carport, so it was impossible to dodge them. As a teenager with places to go and people to see (at least to me, at that age, LOL) the last thing I wanted was to get ambushed by the old fogy neighbors for a chat

 

[tmm99]

Mead and Healthy brought up another struggle I am going to have to face;
personal identity and professional persona. In reading "how to retire wild, happy, and free", I realized that my personal identity is almost completely wrapped up in my profession. Somewhere, along the way, I lost almost everything else that I was and i either have to find that person again or develop a new one.

I thought I would be one of those people who may be lost without my job, but several months into my semi-retirement (I may still get a j*b later on, but most likely not, the way things are going...), I don't feel I have lost myself at all. I was still in contact with my old work people for the first 2 months, but now, my work feels like a distant dream. It probably helped that I moved out of the area right after I quit my j*b. When people ask me at gyms etc what I do for a living, I just say I don't work. Also it probably helped that I was totally done with my profession. (I cannot imagine ever enjoying doing it again.) One thing I think about is, I used to talk to a lot more people when I was w*rking...although looking back, I didn't even like half of the people I talked to at w*rk, and even the ones I liked, I didn't like them all that much (except for a small handful)! I have become more social now that I have very little social interactions.

So, anyway, you may be right with your concern that you have expressed, but it's possible you will be pleasantly surprised.

One thing I would like to say... If you enjoy your j*b, even if you are ready to FIRE, you may want to keep on w*rking.