SINGLE life after FIRE

[leftbucket]

other possible solutions

I'm struggling with what to do with myself in the evenings and weekends, as that's when my SO and I would be together.

I'm not really looking to go back to w*rk (and in today's economy, it would be very difficult to find a job around here in SE Michigan). At the same time, I think if I was w*rking it would 1) give me lots of mental distractions, 2) possibly widen my social circle with the new coworkers and 3) possibly connect me with some dating candidates.

I'm wondering what other single FIRE'd people do to keep themselves occupied, meet other singles, widen their social circles, expand their brains, keep from getting lonely, and the like.

omni

Omni-

Two ideas for fulfilling goals 1, 2, and 3 as mentioned above
without w*rking...

First is, if you don't already, consider going to church. Churches
sometimes get a bad rap, but with the tough economic times we're
in, churches now more than ever are flooded with requests for
all kinds of help, so there's good volunteer opportunities and good
social support to go with them.

Second idea is to get a cute, friendly dog. Anytime you would
otherwise be bored or lonely, take the dog out for a walk. (You're already
walking 3x a week anyway.) Dogs instantly breakdown any
conversation barriers, and you'll find it is extremely easy to meet
all kinds of people. Your social circle will quickly broaden.
My dog made more friends in a month than I'd made in years.

-LB

 

[W2R]

Just to be sure I'm not misunderstanding, are you saying it's never appropriate for married people to socialize with someone of the opposite sex, at least if it's just the two of them and not in a general group setting -- even if there is no romantic interest whatsoever and everyone knows it? That's what it sounds like to me.

I was adding to my above post while you were writing this. My ethical/moral viewpoints are pretty easy to follow and do not include any "ifs, ands, or buts". See the above post (especially the section copied below) for a clarification.

Part of the implicit marital vows are that your partner is also your best friend and confidante. Putting someone else in that role is as bad as engaging in wild, abandoned sex with that person, in my opinion. True, while married and in college I had "study buddies", but I made sure we never met except in groups and discussions did not really go beyond engineering problems. As long as I was married, I really wanted to be married. My Aggie study buddies were honorable men and assumed that was the way I would want things to be, too. I didn't have to tell any of them how this should be.

I know - - I'm a hard woman! I'm also a divorced woman with a clear conscience.

 

[bbbamI]

I enjoy close relationships outside of my marriage. To not do so, IMO would be a dismal life. Again, this is my opinion, YMMV.

 

[FinanceDude]

I enjoy close relationships outside of my marriage. To not do so, IMO would be a dismal life. Again, this is my opinion, YMMV.

I guess what Khan and others are debating are how "close" is defined, its in each one's perspective.

I have a couple female relationships, but they are platonic. DW knows of these women and approves. As a man, I find that sometimes women are easier to talk to than other men, they have a different perspective..........

 

[bbbamI]

I guess what Khan and others are debating are how "close" is defined, its in each one's perspective.

Oh, thanks for clearing that up....I guess I was just having a "senior" moment...please disregard anything I say this a.m. (probably wouldn't be a bad idea to disregard most things I say)

 

[FinanceDude]

Oh, thanks for clearing that up....I guess I was just having a "senior" moment...please disregard anything I say this a.m. (probably wouldn't be a bad idea to disregard most things I say)

You're WAY TOO YOUNG for senior moments..........

 

[REWahoo]

You're WAY TOO YOUNG for senior moments..........

A sophomore moment, maybe?

 

[ziggy29]

A sophomore moment, maybe?

I don't have sophomore moments.

Sophomoric moments, on the other hand...

 

[FinanceDude]

Part of the implicit marital vows are that your partner is also your best friend and confidante.

I think IMPLICIT is the key word here.

 

[Khan]

See? I knew nobody would like my answer, though you two are very polite about it.

To me, there are no ifs, ands, or buts. Marriage is marriage, and we all know in our hearts what is and isn't consistent with our commitments. To me, there is no gray area. If there is even the slightest doubt, then it isn't. Moreover, it's a commendable practice to err on the side of caution and avoid "almost violating commitments" by doing anything that is even remotely borderline, because it's a slip-slidey road.

Continuing a marriage for financial reasons shows a lack of respect for marital vows, and I would never respect someone who did that. Part of the implicit marital vows are that your partner is also your best friend and confidante. Putting someone else in that role is as bad as engaging in wild, abandoned sex with that person, in my opinion. True, while married and in college I had "study buddies", but I made sure we never met except in groups and discussions did not really go beyond engineering problems. As long as I was married, I really wanted to be married. My Aggie study buddies were honorable men and assumed that was the way I would want things to be, too. I didn't have to tell any of them how this should be.

I know - - I'm a hard woman! I'm also a divorced woman with a clear conscience.

Sometimes I wonder if that isn't too much to expect from one person.

 

[haha]

Continuing a marriage for financial reasons shows a lack of respect for marital vows, and I would never respect someone who did that.

I'm sure they would be deeply wounded by this.

Part of the implicit marital vows are that your partner is also your best friend and confidante.

So what is recommended when your only legal confidant is terribly ill, and you are worried sick? Go find a paid friend like a therapist?

And how about when your only legal confidant dies? If you are a man, you had better have some women friends, because men are sometimes not the most empathic beings in the universe.

Last but not least, aren't people different enough from one another, individual enough, so that it is fun to have a wider group of friends?

Ha

 

[ziggy29]

Sometimes I wonder if that isn't too much to expect from one person.

I've been blessed in that my wife *is* my best friend and closest confidante. Having said that, I don't believe that "forsaking all others" means a vow to forego close platonic friendships.

Nevertheless, I can understand the school of thought which is wary enough that it's better to avoid all chances for temptation and suspicion to develop. In any event, whichever side you're on, it just shows how important it is to make sure you and your SO (or SO-to-be) are on relatively similar pages where this sort of thing is concerned. Better for this difference to be a dealbreaker before you get too close than after hearts get broken...

I love my wife dearly and more than anything else in this world, but sometimes we both crave the company of other people as well for other perspectives on things, for different stuff we like to talk about, that sort of thing. I'd personally hate to think I have to eliminate half of the human race from consideration. For example, my wife has recently caught the knitting bug, and my eyes gloss over when she talks about knitting (which is a lot lately). I wouldn't mind it if she found a male friend who enjoyed talking about knitting with her -- if I knew about it, and about him, and I trusted them.

Of course, if I were burned in a past relationship by infidelity with a "friend" or had close friends/family who were, my attitude may be slightly less "open" in that respect.

 

[ziggy29]

And how about when your only legal confidant dies? If you are a man, you had better have some women friends, because men are sometimes not the most empathic beings in the universe.

Actually, where I live there are so many widowed women that whether you had many women friends or not, you'd probably soon have a lot of suitors, at least if you were halfway decent relationship material. My wife sometimes jokes that at least she doesn't have to worry about me being unwillingly lonely if she meets an untimely end...

 

[FinanceDude]

If you are a man, you had better have some women friends, because men are sometimes not the most empathic beings in the universe.

Best quote of the last month on here.........

 

[W2R]

So what is recommended when your only legal confidant is terribly ill, and you are worried sick? Go find a paid friend like a therapist?

And how about when your only legal confidant dies? If you are a man, you had better have some women friends, because men are sometimes not the most empathic beings in the universe.

Last but not least, aren't people different enough from one another, individual enough, so that it is fun to have a wider group of friends?

I am not recommending, or even urging or trying to persuade others in some sort of evangelical way to adopt my moral/ethical framework any more than I would try to urge or persuade others to adopt my religious or political views. You posed a question as to what is wrong with certain behaviors... and my answer is that I have an ethical/moral framework that distinguishes right and wrong, and what these distinctions are to me; and finally I think/hope I explained that to me this is wrong. As for you and others who have responded, do as you will. What you think and do in these matters is not my business. What I think and do is very much my business.

 

[Moemg]

When I first read these postings I was kind of at the black & white stance but the more I think about it there are a lot of gray areas . Suppose you are married but your spouse is in a coma for years or in a nursing home with Alzheimer's and doesn't even know you . Are you supposed to just lead a lonely life for years ? In an ideal world we would all forsake all others but this is not an ideal world . I would not cheat on my SO but I do not judge what other people would do under different circumstances .

 

[haha]

When I first read these postings I was kind of at the black & white stance but the more I think about it there are a lot of gray areas . Suppose you are married but your spouse is in a coma for years or in a nursing home with Alzheimer's and doesn't even know you . Are you supposed to just lead a lonely life for years ? In an ideal world we would all forsake all others but this is not an ideal world . I would not cheat on my SO but I do not judge what other people would do under different circumstances .

To me morality is not harsh and punitive. It is loving. If I had a wife or SO, and I were incapacitated such that I could not be the full meal deal for my woman, I would much rather that she hang in with me, help me, comfort me. If she needed a lover somewhere to do this, it would hurt but be entirely understandable, and easy for me to prefer over being abandoned, or over her being hard bitten and frustrated and eventually resentful.

ha

 

[youbet]

Continuing a marriage for financial reasons shows a lack of respect for marital vows, and I would never respect someone who did that.

Can you respect folks who live together in a commited relationship but don't marry for financial reasons? For example, two professionals with equal incomes who would pay higher taxes if married.......

I don't. They should marry and pay our govt for the privilege.....as I do!

 

[W2R]

Can you respect folks who live together in a commited relationship but don't marry for financial reasons? For example, two professionals with equal incomes who would pay higher taxes if married.......

I don't. They should marry and pay our govt for the privilege.....as I do!

? I assume you are joking. Otherwise it sounds like you are saying that you married in order to pay more taxes. You can pay all the taxes you want (and more) while single, I assure you.

 

[youbet]

? I assume you are joking. Otherwise it sounds like you are saying that you married in order to pay more taxes. You can pay all the taxes you want (and more) while single, I assure you.

No, not joking...... The marriage penalty is alive and well. And DW and I know two commited couples that live together but don't marry strictly to avoid paying the higher taxes! We wouldn't change our situation, but sometimes there is a bit of jealously as April 15th approaches!

DW and I didn't marry in order to pay more taxes (how did you get that out of my post?), but as a result of being married we do pay more taxes just as a result of the way the tax code is written.

You said:

Originally Posted by Want2retire
Continuing a marriage for financial reasons shows a lack of respect for marital vows, and I would never respect someone who did that.

And I was just wondering if you also wouldn't respect someone who remained unmarried for financial reasons?

 

[Moemg]

Can you respect folks who live together in a commited relationship but don't marry for financial reasons? For example, two professionals with equal incomes who would pay higher taxes if married.......

I don't. They should marry and pay our govt for the privilege.....as I do!

You Bet , I never thought about this but in a sense you are right . I know lots of singles who do not marry because of pensions so they are staying single for financial reasons so what is the difference between people staying married for financial reasons ?

 

[FinanceDude]

You Bet , I never thought about this but in a sense you are right . I know lots of singles who do not marry because of pensions so they are staying single for financial reasons so what is the difference between people staying married for financial reasons ?

There is no difference.......

 

[bbbamI]

They're evil-doers...every last one of them!
(tongue placed firmly in cheek)

 

[Moemg]

They're evil-doers...every last one of them!
(tongue placed firmly in cheek)

Even me ??

 

[Dawg52]

I enjoy close relationships outside of my marriage. To not do so, IMO would be a dismal life. Again, this is my opinion, YMMV.

Your cuffs or mind?