What would you do? MIL issue

[Surewhitey]

So MIL went out to the car lot to buy top of the line model. Rolling in some lost equity and financing 10 years. We didn't know about this until now, 2 years later. She still owes $31k and doesn't want to pay the $500/mo now. She's wanting to move out (divorce with a prenup) of her 5th husband's home and can't afford it. He's not on the car loan.

We thought of buying it from her for $20k+our $2k beater (she would have to pay the additional $11k to make her "feel the pain". Don't really want the car, but it will help her and sis in law who can't afford it, but was going to do the same anyway.

Sounds like a country song...
Any words of wisdom? Thanks in advance.

 

[gwraigty]

No.

ETA - That's my answer to whether I'd get involved in this mess.

 

[Lewis Clark]

You know your family best, and I suspect that you know what you will do feel obligated to do.

My only recommendation is to be very, very cautious about becoming an enabler for anyone who made one or more poor decisions in the past. If you bail them out once, they will likely expect it again.

 

[Nemo2]

Move, change your name, cancel your phone.

 

[freedomatlast]

Don't become involved in that mess and all the drama that will follow.

 

[steelyman]

If you don’t really want the car then you shouldn’t buy it. I think that’s the first decision to make and other issues handled separately.

 

[MRG]

Run far and fast, don't look back.

 

[Gallaher]

Move, change your name, cancel your phone.

+1

 

[db79]

Stop enabling.

 

[Sunset]

Let her do whatever she wants with car on her own. After all she felt quite enabled to buy it 2 years ago. Maybe she turns it in/sells it, and pays off the rest of the debt.

Maybe she should keep the car until she finds husband #6 , who can pay it off for her

Is she planning to move in with you ?

 

[Surewhitey]

Best answer category... Move, change your name, cancel your phone.

I'm leaning towards the advice I thought you all would likely give. Just curious if there was more than the obvious. We've never enabled her & she lives 10 hrs away, so we keep our distance in her affairs... Just hate to see sis in law take on the "crap"... I guess it is more about her than MIL... Thanks for the confirmation.

 

[NYEXPAT]

I have been supporting my MIL for 15 years. When did it become optional?

 

[Spock]

I'm assuming nobody has a gun to SIL's head to force her to buy the car/help out either?

 

[Amethyst]

It may be more effective to let her feel the pain of repossession. Has this woman ever had to face consequences of her actions?

We thought of buying it from her for $20k+our $2k beater (she would have to pay the additional $11k to make her "feel the pain". Don't really want the car,

 

[Dtail]

Run far and fast, don't look back.

+1
5 husbands says it all.

 

[Katsmeow]

I mostly agree with others. But for another persprective. How much is the car worth if you had to sell it. If you could do this and sell the car for $22k then it would be OKish. Or even if it was $20k maybe if you are doing this to help the sister in law. And this assumes you would sell the car once you got it.

 

[aja8888]

Run far and fast, don't look back.

Exactly!

 

[Aerides]

If you're gonna bail her out (I would not) do it in full and never again.

She's not going to learn some lesson from feeling some pain. She's not going to change. If she won the lottery she'd be broke in a year.

either write the full check and walk away, or just walk away.

 

[MRG]

If you're gonna bail her out (I would not) do it in full and never again.

She's not going to learn some lesson from feeling some pain. She's not going to change. If she won the lottery she'd be broke in a year.

either write the full check and walk away, or just walk away.

+1

Pain is an excellent teacher. It motivates people to do amazing things. I quit smoking because of the fear of pain. DW and I changed how we ate and exercised because of the fear of pain. If someone prevents the natural progression of consequence they're doing the other person a disservice.

 

[Teacher Terry]

Not your problem.

 

[Z3Dreamer]

A family member got a sweetheart deal on a car coming from the settling of personal property in an estate. Value exceeded what others in this equal distribution received. Years later, claimed that they were cheated because that was a "depreciating asset".

Point being, some people will always shame you into helping them. If your MIL is one of this type, her only way of receiving future help from you is to remember the above facts differently. So, if you bail her out, next time she will say: "Oh, yeah! I was desperate to get away from Hubbie #5 so I practically gave you that car to reduce my debt. You owe me."

Run, Forest, run!

 

[NYEXPAT]

+1

Pain is an excellent teacher. It motivates people to do amazing things. I quit smoking because of the fear of pain. DW and I changed how we ate and exercised because of the fear of pain. If someone prevents the natural progression of consequence they're doing the other person a disservice.

I have also heard that "shock collars" can be pretty effective, but I would not trust my wife with the "clicker"!

 

[kgtest]

+1

Pain is an excellent teacher. It motivates people to do amazing things. I quit smoking because of the fear of pain. DW and I changed how we ate and exercised because of the fear of pain. If someone prevents the natural progression of consequence they're doing the other person a disservice.

you mean, enabling? Yeah don't enable your grown MIL. Too late for a pity party.



At most I might offer to connect her with a "we buy underwater cars " service.

 

[Mdlerth]

Danger, Will Robinson!

If you buy that car which you don't want or need, wouldn't you be exemplifying the behavior you wish that she would cease?

 

[Mdlerth]

Won't somebody think about the children?

Perhaps the darling MIL has a number of wonderful qualities we don't see. For all we know, she's the love child of Mother Teresa and Albert Schweitzer, destined for sainthood. But considering the OP's description, I think it unlikely.

Extravagant purchases, extremely long repayment schedules, soon-to-be-five ex-husbands... all those are unfortunate, but the chief recipient of the suffering should be its author, i.e., the MIL.

However, OP says his sister-in-law will step in to bail out the prodigal mother if he does not, even though SIL can't afford it. That's crazy, and it bothers me a whole lot more than the plight of the exploitative matriarch. What kind of psychological hold does the old lady exercise over her poor daughter that will ruin the younger woman's life? If you want to help someone, help your SIL break free from whatever guilt her mom is using to pressure her.

There is no helping the MIL. It's too late; she's toast. But there might still be time to rescue the SIL from screwing her own finances in a fruitless attempt to shield her mom from consequences.