What would you do?

[REWahoo]

I asked her sincerely what would happen if she got hit by a bus today. She honestly didn't know how they would make it. I told her they would be forced to figure out a solution and they would make it. She wasn't sure if she believed that, but wasn't willing to find out!

I understand her reluctance - getting hit by a bus is probably very painful!

 

[FLJim]

"I would love to move to Montana or maybe out of the country."

Move to Montana, take your cell phone and do NOT leave a forwarding address.

 

[ILikeStarTrek]

I’m not really sure why not just keep financing your kids? You can seemingly afford it. It’s only money - would you rather spend it on your admittedly imperfect children or leave it to some charity? I mean it’s not like the kids have other people’s genes or were raised by a pack of wolves. And they didn’t ask to be born. I’d say it’s on you.

Did you read OP's follow-up post #13?

OP seems to agree with your "I'd say it's on you" - per, "Oh we know this is our fault."

For your question, "why not just keep financing" the kids:

It seems like OP doesn't have a problem financing the older son who is disabled. I don't read anything particularly negative in his posts about the older son.

But the younger son got married to a lady who (quoting OP) "can’t function unless she has joint to smoke, and then she is barely functioning. Her daughter who is 16 from a previous relationship is more mature than she is". And, "They [son and wife] were both doing coke for several years". (It wasn't completely clear to me from the post whether that part is still continuing or not.) Not to mention that they live in squalid conditions (e.g. the part in OP's post about having to tear out floorboards of a previous house to get rid of the urine smell from their cat & dog). So it seems like OP's concern is that by continuing to give them money, OP would be contributing to their lifestyle of general irresponsibility and drug use. Whereas, if OP withholds the money, the hope is that that would force them to be more responsible (enough to get jobs) or else find themselves without food, water, and power in their house. (Of course this is a hope but not a certainty, which is part of what OP's post is about.)

Everyone (and thus everyone's children) are imperfect, but the younger son seems like more of a train wreck than most. Giving him more money may not be helping him in the long run but may be part of the problem.

 

[brydanger]

Oh we know this is our fault.

Im pretty sure the flight attendant has the best advice for you.
"Please put on your own mask before assisting others"

You've been trying everything else. Maybe what your kids actually need is to see their parents do what's right for themselves (and prove that accountability and happiness matters).

You might be surprised. If you aren't there to take care of them - they might just learn to take care of themselves!
Simply put, you won't always be there... and they will have to figure it out then - so why wait until you're dead for that to happen when you could be living happy and it might happen at the same time?

 

[old medic]

Yeah, that isn’t going to happen. The dad will cut the grandparents off from the kids immediately.

Our Sons has threatened this on several occasions. Not an issue for us since we are on great terms with His Mom and her parents... But in this Case, a couple complaints to DSS, then its an easy step to get custody once they move into the tent...

 

[Badger]

...We are torn as we live next door to both our sons. We own each of their homes outright. Side by side by side... We live next door to our youngest son and his family... He works half the time, several DWI’s and she lays around all day and does nothing. We own the home they live in and it’s a total wreck... Our oldest son lives 2 doors down from us, in another home we own. He is disabled due to severe medical issues not of his accord. He draws SSDI and he pays us an amount he can pay us every month.
...We have been basically supporting our youngest son since he moved out at 18. He is 34 now and his maturity is still that of a teenager’s. We are tired of buying him cars, paying light bills, water bills etc etc etc at least 75% of the time... Oh we have tried to talk to our youngest son about getting help but he doesn’t listen...

So you pay all or most of your younger son's bills, buy him numerous cars that he destroys, give him a rent free place to live that you pumped money into for him to live which he is also destroying (he has now made that house a money pit for you AGAIN). For him it is Christmas all year. Yep, you have a mess.
I would move to a place where I would enjoy living in retirement. Since you are easily accessible AND provide rent free living to your youngest son you will always be a "soft touch" for more money.

I would sell all three houses since you are moving to your dream retirement location. The younger son will have a few months to get a job and find an apartment while you sell the house (I doubt he would qualify for a loan to buy anything.). That is his monkey and his circus. Not yours. Is he going to be mad at you? Of course. The gravy train is leaving and now he has to be responsible for himself and his family and he will blame you. I think he figured out long ago that you will fall for the guilt trip he will try to put on you. Not sure how you would move him out of the house before it is destroyed any further.

I would probably find a house, condo, or apartment for the oldest son that he can afford and due to his medical issues continue to help with monthly rent when needed.
It will take time and determination but then you started the ball rolling a couple of decades ago. Good luck!



Cheers!

 

[casole]

OldandGrey,

No advice or solutions here even though you asked "what would you do". It's a painful, complicated and difficult situation. My family has had similar issues and there are no easy answers and we are still living with it every day, some days better than others. I wish you the best in trying to figure it out. It's easy to say get counseling etc. It's a years long process to undo and address years of entrenced habits, patterns, and behaviors, but you have to start somewhere in what has become an untenable situation.

 

[troutnut1]

"I would love to move to Montana or maybe out of the country."

Move to Montana, take your cell phone and do NOT leave a forwarding address.

Please. Not Montana. You won’t like the cold and the state income tax on all that money. And the cell still won’t work in the best Montana places. And everyone else in your situation just moved here and tripled the real estate prices. Just tell them you moved to Montana, and then move someplace warm and more to your liking. Make sure it is 1500 miles away. We tried using the 500 mile Rule and that wasn’t far enough. Then we tried the 1000 mile Rule. Still not far enough. But the 1500 mile Rule has now worked for us for 30 years.

 

[Koolau]

Please. Not Montana. You won’t like the cold and the state income tax on all that money. And the cell still won’t work in the best Montana places. And everyone else in your situation just moved here and tripled the real estate prices. Just tell them you moved to Montana, and then move someplace warm and more to your liking. Make sure it is 1500 miles away. We tried using the 500 mile Rule and that wasn’t far enough. Then we tried the 1000 mile Rule. Still not far enough. But the 1500 mile Rule has now worked for us for 30 years.

Hmmm, that's now at least TWO states we're not welcome in. REWahoo has warned us off of Texas because of the fire ants and high RE taxes. Now, I guess Montana is out 'cause of bad cell coverage.

Have I told you about Rock Fever? We're at least 2400 miles (5+ hours) from ANYwhere (or farther.) YMMV

 

[Walt34]

Hmmm, that's now at least TWO states we're not welcome in.

And don't even think about West Virginia. Unless your great-great-grandmother was born here you'll always be one of those "transplants" blamed for clogging up the roads with traffic and raising taxes.

 

[Koolau]

And don't even think about West Virginia. Unless your great-great-grandmother was born here you'll always be one of those "transplants" blamed for clogging up the roads with traffic and raising taxes.

If Wheeling counts, I don't want to come anyway.