When a Sick Friend Drags You Down?

[Midpack]

Maybe I'll get blasted for being direct, but FWIW.

One of our golf group, who was never the most positive guy, was diagnosed with Parkinson's last Fall. Obviously that's not easy to deal with, and he has been trialing different meds to slow the progression I assume. While he has [-]good[/-] fair days and bad days, he is always more negative than ever and he's dragging us all down. On the one hand we understand and want to be supportive. On the other, it's not much fun to have him around. He's begun to have hand tremors, and his golf game has gone downhill, that is demoralizing. Last time I rode with him, he was having a particularly bad day, and he volunteered 'I can't remember the last time I enjoyed a round of golf...' Just not a recipe for an enjoyable activity with friends.

I don't get the impression a deteriorating golf game is going to get him to drop out. I think he's more determined than ever to keep his connections with us, and I get that.

None of us know what to do, so we just try to be supportive and continue to include him, even though it's not much fun anymore. We do try to make sure we all share our 'time in the barrel' with him.

I assume some of you have had similar experiences. Is there a better approach for all concerned, him and the rest of us?

 

[frayne]

Nothing wrong with telling him to quit his bitching and that you are all out on the course to have fun. Maybe that is a bit confrontational and insensitive but if he has any sense and wants to continue playing and enjoying the social aspect of the outings, he should get the message. Sometimes you just have to be an arsehole about it, don't ask me how I know this.

 

[marko]

This is a tough one. There's lots of people who are sick, disabled or seriously ill that buck up, put on a positive face and courageously head out each day. They know that after you're aware of their situation, they don't have to bring it up again. IMO, that's what a friend would do: not bring you down with them.

For me, rather than start dreading your golf game and "time in the barrel", I'd put some distance in this relationship. He's being unfair to you and, as I get older, have less patience with people who waste or try ruin what's left of my precious time.

YMMV. Good luck and God Bless

 

[donheff]

I got diagnosed with Parkinson's three years ago and vowed not to become a drag. So far, that's been easy. Tell the guy to find a good motion disorders specialist and keep moving. I just came back from a bike trip in Italy, so many of us can keep going for a while. Different people react differently and there are multiple forms of "Parkinsonisms," the others tend to be much more aggressive than regular PD.

 

[pacergal]

Perhaps he is looking for a way to stop playing but is afraid of losing "time with guy friends"?
Is there another avenue all of you could enjoy on a regular basis and the rest continue golf on another day?
Or perhaps, he was just having a bad mental health moment and just need to vent to a friend.

You could ask him if he finds the golf to be too taxing and offer other times to have the group together.
I agree with donheff, continued movement/exercise will be good for him. Can you be part of a walking group/gab a coffee with him so he still gets guy time with friends? Or something similar.

 

[easysurfer]

When I was in college, there was this guy living in a dorm room next to me who was like Eeyore on Winnie The Pooh.

I'd spend a lot of energy trying to have him see the bright side of things but no matter what he'd turn the conversation around and look at the depressing side of things.

Eventually was too much and I'd then make my interactions short with him to the point of almost avoiding him. Had to be that or lose my positive soul .

 

[Sojourner]

Nothing wrong with telling him to quit his bitching and that you are all out on the course to have fun. Maybe that is a bit confrontational and insensitive but if he has any sense and wants to continue playing and enjoying the social aspect of the outings, he should get the message. Sometimes you just have to be an arsehole about it, don't ask me how I know this.

Parkinson's is a form of dementia, so obviously it's going to affect OP's friend's mood and personality in noticeable, unpleasant ways over time. I don't think telling him to "quit his bitching" will be particularly effective, although I completely understand the sentiment. It can be VERY frustrating to be around people with dementia, especially those we care about and whom we hate seeing grapple with such a debilitating disease.

If I were in OP's shows, I would try to be as understanding and accommodating as possible (within reason) and would try my best to have compassion for what the friend is going through. It's very likely the friend will become unable to play golf sooner rather than later, so why not try to make his final few months(?) of being out on the greens as enjoyable as possible?

 

[Northforker]

I have Parkinsons and I can tell you for sure that a positive attitude makes worlds of difference in life's daily challenges and activities. The loss of his golfing skills and other motor skills is understandable and his frustration is also. But he needs to put his skills in perspective. It's not like any of you are qualifying for the Masters.

I think you need to tell him that the skills and the score are unimportant and the comradery and exercise is really all that's really matters. If he doesn't pick up on that, it's time to remove his negativity from your golf game.

 

[frayne]

Parkinson's is a form of dementia, so obviously it's going to affect OP's friend's mood and personality in noticeable, unpleasant ways over time. I don't think telling him to "quit his bitching" will be particularly effective, although I completely understand the sentiment. It can be VERY frustrating to be around people with dementia, especially those we care about and whom we hate seeing grapple with such a debilitating disease.

If I were in OP's shows, I would try to be as understanding and accommodating as possible (within reason) and would try my best to have compassion for what the friend is going through. It's very likely the friend will become unable to play golf sooner rather than later, so why not try to make his final few months(?) of being out on the greens as enjoyable as possible?

I did not know that Parkinson's had a dementia component. I would agree with trying to be reasonable, understanding and compassionate but if all those fail, I would stand by being straightforward and informing the individual that he needs to change his attitude because people don't want to play with him. I play with individuals in their 60s,70s, & 80s usually twice a week and yet hardly anyone bitches about their physical condition and we all have some issues going on (artificial knees, hips, shoulders, fused backs and even mild dementia and on the first tee there is more pill popping and putting on braces than you'll see in an NFL locker room ). With all that said, there is nothing more boring or tedious than listening to us old farts constantly complain about physical issues. If you are going to do it, do it on the first tee then buck up and be a good golf partner and have fun.

 

[Sojourner]

I did not know that Parkinson's had a dementia component.

Upon further reading, I see that Parkinson's diseases does not always have (or lead to) a dementia component. About a third of people with "classic" Parkinson's go on to develop dementia. Sorry for the confusion.

I would agree with trying to be reasonable, understanding and compassionate but if all those fail, I would stand by being straightforward and informing the individual that he needs to change because people don't want to play with him.

Agreed.

 

[f35phixer]

That's tough. I have a frozen shoulder that makes full swings VERY hard, I decided to go and play with my boyz and just pitched and putted, Pretend birdies are very nice, practicing up and downs with success can be very positive....I had brought 50/56 and putter. One par 3 140yds, I said dude give me your 8, Solid hit 10 ft from pin, sunk putt. We all LAUGHED!

So that might be an approach, Hey XXXX how about pitching and putting, want you out here but we see you having difficulty with xyz of game....

We will sometimes play just a par3 game on our course, anything from 80 - 200 yds.. It's fun.

 

[Jerry1]

You have to say something. I’d start with some friendly quips. “Come on man, lighten up and we’ll give you an extra mulligan.” “If I give you that putt, will you relax a little?” He hits it in the bunker or some bad rough - “pull that out of there, this is about having fun.” Things like that. Hopefully he’ll get the hint before everyone stops inviting him or you have to sit down with him and give him an ultimatum.

Good luck. It isn’t easy for anyone. I had a friend with Parkinson’s and was amazed at how positive she stayed. She was always happy before the diagnosis but it was encouraging to see her maintain that throughout the rest of her life - it was not pleasant I’m sure.

 

[Midpack]

You have to say something. I’d start with some friendly quips. “Come on man, lighten up and we’ll give you an extra mulligan.” “If I give you that putt, will you relax a little?” He hits it in the bunker or some bad rough - “pull that out of there, this is about having fun.” Things like that. Hopefully he’ll get the hint before everyone stops inviting him or you have to sit down with him and give him an ultimatum.

Good luck. It isn’t easy for anyone. I had a friend with Parkinson’s and was amazed at how positive she stayed. She was always happy before the diagnosis but it was encouraging to see her maintain that throughout the rest of her life - it was not pleasant I’m sure.

The group I am with, about 20+, won't stop inviting anyone and an ultimatum will never come IME. There are already a few guys, not the one with Parkinson's, literally no one likes to play with - but uninviting anyone just isn't done (I've suggested it). Again, we just make sure we all take turns playing with the "few." Not my style, but it's very much a 'go along to get along bunch.' Some of us socialize outside golf, some we'd never...

I will try some friendly pushback if I can, but I expect no one else will...others might even decide I'm being heartless.

When I'm paired with someone I'm not enjoying being with, I remind myself I expect to live over 800,000 hours - surely I can tolerate anyone for 4 hours...I put up with a lot more/worse during my career.

There may be a dementia component involved, as he is clearly not as sharp as he was when I met him 3 years ago.

 

[marko]

The group I am with, about 20+, won't stop inviting anyone and an ultimatum will never come IME. There are already a few guys, not the one with Parkinson's, literally no one likes to play with - but uninviting anyone just isn't done (I've suggested it). Again, we just make sure we all take turns playing the "few." Not my style, but it's very much a 'go along to get along bunch.'
.

Someday, you may reach the point of saying to yourself "this isn't fun/worth it anymore".

I've had a few of those epiphanies with friendships during my life and decided that I was better off finding greener pastures on my own. And, it always turned out better for me.

Life is too short to be putting up with too much BS. You shouldn't dreading what should be a fun day.

 

[latexman]

Upon further reading, I see that Parkinson's diseases does not always have (or lead to) a dementia component. About a third of people with "classic" Parkinson's go on to develop dementia. Sorry for the confusion.

This is an area that needs more research. One popular theory now is Dementia with Lewy Bodies (DLB) and Parkinson’s disease dementia (PDD), which have many, many similarities, is on the same spectrum as non-demented Parkinson’s. Some people start with loss of motor skills and some start with loss of mental acuity, depending on where the Lewy Bodies manifest first. About 2/3 progress towards the other end of the spectrum, and 1/3 don’t. Again, it’s not fully understood and needs more reeearch.

 

[mystang52]

Nothing wrong with telling him to quit his bitching and that you are all out on the course to have fun. Maybe that is a bit confrontational and insensitive but if he has any sense and wants to continue playing and enjoying the social aspect of the outings, he should get the message. Sometimes you just have to be an arsehole about it, don't ask me how I know this.

I'd soften the forthright message and emphasize the bolded comment. Maybe play good-cop/bad-cop by telling him he is turning off some players who are looking to have a good time. Add that everyone feels compassion for what he is going through, and just want him to view the golf game as something of an escape from his physical issues.
I had a Bridge partner with Parkinson's, and his game started to decline. I continued to play with him, but did so less frequently. His decline definitely affected my enjoyment of the game, but I couldn't bring myself to fully cut the cord.

 

[Texas Proud]

Nothing wrong with telling him to quit his bitching and that you are all out on the course to have fun. Maybe that is a bit confrontational and insensitive but if he has any sense and wants to continue playing and enjoying the social aspect of the outings, he should get the message. Sometimes you just have to be an arsehole about it, don't ask me how I know this.

+1 You can be supportive without having your day ruined by his attitude...


I would suggest that the group tries something else that he can participate in better... At the end of my mom's life we used to go play board games with her and she loved it... but the days of us taking her out to different events had longed passed...

 

[threeonesix]

Maybe I'll get blasted for being direct, but FWIW.

One of our golf group, who was never the most positive guy, was diagnosed with Parkinson's last Fall. Obviously that's not easy to deal with, and he has been trialing different meds to slow the progression I assume. While he has [-]good[/-] fair days and bad days, he is always more negative than ever and he's dragging us all down. On the one hand we understand and want to be supportive. On the other, it's not much fun to have him around. He's begun to have hand tremors, and his golf game has gone downhill, that is demoralizing. Last time I rode with him, he was having a particularly bad day, and he volunteered 'I can't remember the last time I enjoyed a round of golf...' Just not a recipe for an enjoyable activity with friends.

I don't get the impression a deteriorating golf game is going to get him to drop out. I think he's more determined than ever to keep his connections with us, and I get that.

None of us know what to do, so we just try to be supportive and continue to include him, even though it's not much fun anymore. We do try to make sure we all share our 'time in the barrel' with him.

I assume some of you have had similar experiences. Is there a better approach for all concerned, him and the rest of us?

Find a local Parkinson's support group and offer to go to a meeting with him. It's a lot easier to open up to such things when a friend is by your side. I would bet that the group would help him overcome the mental aspect that is dragging him, and the rest of you, down.

15 years ago a good friend developed glioblastomas, brain cancer, at 32 years old. He told his oncologist to be blunt, so he was. Doc said he won't make it 12 months. So my friend was super depressed. I offered to go to a brain cancer support group with him. After the very first meeting his attitude did a 180. He became his old chipper self in no time. He made it just under 4 years, and I know that without the support group he wouldn't have made it 4 months.

People cry for help in different ways. Some simply ask for it, others want other people to offer it. Either way we all need a little help sometimes.

 

[tmm99]

Why don't you start a new group yourself with the people who you like to play with? And remove yourself from the current group, as it has multiple people you don't like to play with?

From what coud gather from your post, you didn't like this person to begin with even before he became ill, there is not much friendship to try to preserve anyway...

It's natural to feel compassion when someone is in pain, though. You can try to cheer him up, etc, but I try to minimize interactions that can be toxic to my mental health, so I would keep my mental health in mind as well.

 

[Katiek]

Perhaps you could, as others have mentioned, emphasize that you and the others are golfing for fun and you want it to be more upbeat, while also acknowledging that this must be hard and suggesting a separate time to get together and talk. That way you can still be sympathetic to the things he's going through and give him a chance to vent, while not dragging down the longer golf outing.

 

[frayne]

Believe me Midpack, I feel your pain and know exactly what you are talking about and sometimes the solution is to turn the guy off (from your own mind) as much as possible and just play your own game. Parkinson's aside, with a group of twenty or more personalities there will always be some people who you like to play with and others not so much, for whatever reasons. As long as there is a fair rotation of people and no one gets stuck all the time with certain folks, it's the best you can ask for.

 

[CardsFan]

OP, regarding the golf, why not play a scramble once in a while?

 

[Teacher Terry]

Parkinson’s disease runs on my dad’s side of the family and all the men got it but no one got dementia. A good friend of mine was the same and quickly deteriorated physically. I try to be empathetic and treat people how I hope they would treat me in a similar situation. It probably won’t be that long before he won’t be able to golf at all so I would be kind and go with the flow.

 

[Vincenzo Corleone]

Parkinson’s disease runs on my dad’s side of the family and all the men got it but no one got dementia. A good friend of mine was the same and quickly deteriorated physically. I try to be empathetic and treat people how I hope they would treat me in a similar situation. It probably won’t be that long before he won’t be able to golf at all so I would be kind and go with the flow.

+1

 

[jollystomper]

Parkinson’s disease runs on my dad’s side of the family and all the men got it but no one got dementia. A good friend of mine was the same and quickly deteriorated physically. I try to be empathetic and treat people how I hope they would treat me in a similar situation. It probably won’t be that long before he won’t be able to golf at all so I would be kind and go with the flow.

+2