Worried About My Future FIRE Life

[ATC Guy]

Hello all. A huge part of FIRE planning is deciding how you want to spend that time, or at least that's what I've gathered here over the years. I'm only 29, going on 30. With my current plans, I should be eligible for retirement at age 50, and I can decide if I want to keep working or not at that point.

I have always dreamed about retirement. That freedom to do whatever you want. I dream of waking up on a rainy day late in the morning, going to the living room to watch the news and drink some coffee with no real intentions on doing anything.

This is my personality. I do love to do stuff, don't get me wrong, but I also love to do NOTHING some days and just not be bothered. Maybe watch movies all day or binge on a new series.

My wife is completely incapable of doing that. But not only that. She is incapable of watching me do that! She would lay the guilt on thick or act irritated until we have a plan for the day or start our day. "You can't just sit around all day, the house needs cleaned or <INSET ANY CHORE HERE>" I am really worried that after working all these years and planning for retirement, it won't be what I want because of our personality differences. I guess I really don't know what to do about it. It certainly can't be a reason for divorce, but I also don't want to be unhappy in the years I should be living the "dream" right?

I feel like I can totally respect the fact that she wants to go-go-go all the time. Great! Go for it! I won't be upset. I won't try to stop her. But I would only ask that if I want to move like a sloth from time to time, to let me be! Any perspectives that could help me with this?

 

[RobbieB]

Get a divorce?

 

[street]

Have you talked to her about this and tell her what you would like to see happen. I can say I have a great wife that way. I do my things and she does her things and we don't have to be with each other all the time. I have never told her she can't do what she wants and she never has told me you need to stay home and do that or this.

 

[NW-Bound]

...I'm only 29, going on 30. With my current plans, I should be eligible for retirement at age 50, and I can decide if I want to keep working or not at that point...

You still have 20 years to work out this problem. I am sure there will be a solution or some compromise.

 

[kimcdougc]

After being married for 38 + years, you have a long long way until this problem comes up. She might want to do the same after working 20 or more plus years. Just wait and see would be my advice.

 

[DrRoy]

Perhaps you could find a hobby or volunteer position that would fill your time.

 

[marko]

Or you could end up like the guys who buy a coffee every day, drive to the park and read the paper in your car till noon.

As noted, a lot can change in 20+ years from now.

Good luck

 

[EastWest Gal]

Ditto the other responses. Here is my 2 cents addition:

A lot will change in your relationship, some good, maybe some bad. Work at the relationship, and she will likely do the same.

As a female in a 32 year marriage, if you "take ownership" of a few pieces of housework where she never has to do them, she will consider you the best husband ever. Pick a few things that can be done on your schedule that are onerous. Cleaning all the sinks or all the toilets for example. Take care of all the trash. Or own the vacuuming. These are things that need doing by someone, but not every day. If she doesn't have to nag you and it is visible, she will understand that you aren't treating her as your maid, and you are not handing her the responsibility of telling you what to do.

By choosing proactively to do a couple of the more onerous chores, you choose when you do them and you get your "do nothing" time.

Also, by the time you get to age 50 you will not be thinking the same way or doing the same things. You will still be you. Yet you will grow, evolve, and will gain some wisdom during that time. She will too.

Let her know you need some down time to think and recharge. That might also help.

 

[Amethyst]

Side note: Do these things up to the other person's usual standards. Don't claim "credit" for something the other person will just have to do over. Goes for women as well as men.

if you "take ownership" of a few pieces of housework where she never has to do them, she will consider you the best husband ever.

.

 

[Amethyst]

I have been married to the same man for 30 years. At first, there were behaviors we didn't like in each other. So we complained, and got the other person to change what could be changed. Some of these, by the way, were long-held behaviors that were defended as, "Well, it never bothered Spouse No. 1!" [we were both married before]. Note: Previous spouses should never be used as excuses for anything. Reasons, maybe, but not excuses! That's a rule.

We did this for each other because we loved each other and wanted to stay married. In the end, we both had to accept certain things that couldn't be changed, but at least we got them out in the open and discussed them. With age, little sticking points tend to multiply, so get in the habit of getting them out there in the daylight; don't stew over them, and don't assume the other person "will never change" until they tell you so.

.

My wife is completely incapable of doing that. But not only that. She is incapable of watching me do that! She would lay the guilt on thick or act irritated until we have a plan for the day or start our day. "You can't just sit around all day, the house needs cleaned or <INSET ANY CHORE HERE>" I am really worried that after working all these years and planning for retirement, it won't be what I want because of our personality differences. I guess I really don't know what to do about it. It certainly can't be a reason for divorce, but I also don't want to be unhappy in the years I should be living the "dream" right?

I feel like I can totally respect the fact that she wants to go-go-go all the time. Great! Go for it! I won't be upset. I won't try to stop her. But I would only ask that if I want to move like a sloth from time to time, to let me be! Any perspectives that could help me with this?

 

[brucethebroker]

After being married for 38 + years, you have a long long way until this problem comes up. She might want to do the same after working 20 or more plus years. Just wait and see would be my advice.

1+
Many times, people who love their jobs later form new opinions due to changes in management, companies being bought out, or the mental/physical stress that accumulates over the years. Other things are not so obvious: many times (since ER) my DW has commented on no longer having to drive in snow storms to report in to work and being able to totally relax on "vacations" without job worries.

Keep saving/investing and working your plan. Let time do the heavy lifting on changing your wife's opinion on ER.

 

[ivinsfan]

Well, you are back with another spouse issue! Could the problem still be that you have 2 very young children and do shift work?
I'm guessing that the things she mentions do need to be done and saying your wife is incapable of "binge watching" TV all day is a slam on her. Why don't you hire a cleaning lady..then both of your could have some free time? Oh wait that would interfere with your retirements savings.

I'm going to ask you the same thing I asked last time when you were wondering if you should divorce her because she wouldn't let you "relax" when you had an 18 month old and a 6 week old baby,What is with your obsession over what you will do when you are retired in 20 years?

 

[Dash man]

Keep the marriage healthy and never use the "D" word again. You have a long time before retirement takes place. My DW is a classic ADHD who was worried about what to do in retirement. Now that she's retired she loves it. We travel a few times a year, we're also snowbirds with a place in PA and in FL. I've always helped with household chores and carry my load, so no issues there. We're going through a period of parental care issues that I help with but am careful not to push what should be her family's decisions. I get plenty of time to chill and relax and after a long career and she is enjoying that time too. We recently renewed our wedding vows and are closer than ever. All I can suggest you do now is concentrate on saving, investing, controlling expenses and planning long term finances. That will give you options when you do retire where you both can be happy. Talk these things over with her and keep her involved in your financial planning and listen to her concerns. Most of all take time to nourish your marriage. Children can often make people forget that is important. Good luck and God Bless.

 

[MRG]

Ditto the other responses. Here is my 2 cents addition:

A lot will change in your relationship, some good, maybe some bad. Work at the relationship, and she will likely do the same.

As a female in a 32 year marriage, if you "take ownership" of a few pieces of housework where she never has to do them, she will consider you the best husband ever. Pick a few things that can be done on your schedule that are onerous. Cleaning all the sinks or all the toilets for example. Take care of all the trash. Or own the vacuuming. These are things that need doing by someone, but not every day. If she doesn't have to nag you and it is visible, she will understand that you aren't treating her as your maid, and you are not handing her the responsibility of telling you what to do.

By choosing proactively to do a couple of the more onerous chores, you choose when you do them and you get your "do nothing" time.

Also, by the time you get to age 50 you will not be thinking the same way or doing the same things. You will still be you. Yet you will grow, evolve, and will gain some wisdom during that time. She will too.

Let her know you need some down time to think and recharge. That might also help.

Well said..
When I retired groceries were DW'S most hated chore. Took those over and all the cooking too. Most days I'm told I'm a pretty good guy.

 

[Bestwifeever]

You are telling us the same story as last time. You can change only one person and it's not your DW. If you seriously think you and she will not be on the same page in 20 years (personally I can't remember what page DH and I were on 20 years ago--but probably not even in the same book--and when we had very small children we would have killed each other for watching movies all day; seriously? these are not the years either of you get to do that), maybe you should start unwinding your marriage now.

 

[brewer12345]

I am in my mid 40s. I will tell you that in some ways I am the same person I was 20 years ago, but in other ways I am very different. A lot will change by the time you are nearing eligibility age. I don't think I would spend a lot of time worrying about it in the next 15 years. Better you should do a more proficient job at enjoying yourself while accumulating assets than I did.

 

[HadEnuff]

I think you need to spend less time wondering whether or not you will want to work in another 20 years, and more time attending to the present.

Currently, how much time do you spend helping with the children, and cleaning the house?

 

[WestLake]

Why endure a nagging wife?

 

[ivinsfan]

Why endure a nagging wife?

Gonna need a flame proof suit for that one Since when is wanting ordinary household chores done "nagging". BTW I hate that word in my mind it's interchangeable with the B word.

 

[Rambler]

ATC guy, I could have almost written that post. I had a very hard charging career, did well for myself and for my family, retired at 51, now 55.

First question, every day, from my DW: "what's your plan today?" Some days, my reply is "I dunno, what do you have planned for me?" Other days, I ask, "is it ok not to have a plan today?" You get the picture. Some spouses are that way. Mind you, I'm no lazy bum. I'm usually fiddling with some project or another (which is one reason I've been absent here so much in the past couple years), but most of those are outdoor projects. She runs the indoor stuff, incl her crafting. Some days though, I just want to chill, because I'm tired, or didn't sleep well, or whatever...but she wants to be go-go gadget.

No need for the big D or anything like that. But, you and she will need to come to understand that each of you has a different approach to keeping busy (or not), every.single.day... Besides, you are 29. I imagine she is around there as well. Someday, she'll likely slow down a bit as well.

BTW, does she every stop, or at least slow down, to smell the roses?

 

[WestLake]

Gonna need a flame proof suit for that one Since when is wanting ordinary household chores done "nagging". BTW I hate that word in my mind it's interchangeable with the B word.

Well it was meant to make him think. I'm kinda sneaky. Or was that reverse psychology?

 

[haha]

Perhaps you could find a hobby or volunteer position that would fill your time.

But he doesn't want to fill his time; that is the whole point of this post.

I don't see why "this certainly cannot be a reason for divorce". It's as good as any, and when it comes to divorce, sooner is almost always better than later. What unmarried man would let someone other than his employer give him his daily parameters? That is why you grew up and left the family home when you were around 20 or so. Your job is to earn a living, not to satisfy someone else's idea of how you should live. That is what bosses are for, do you also want a home based boss?

Is it hard for you to find feminine companionship? If so, and you need it, maybe best to just realize that she is the uber-boss and start meditation or something to help you survive.

Ha

Edit- I just read another posters mention of your young children. Cancel everything I said, you are already on a long trip. Do what you can to help out and hope and work for the best.

 

[Dash man]

Divorce is a miserable experience and with kids involved it never ends. Been there done that. I'm not saying there aren't cases where everyone is better off with a divorce, but make every effort to make the marriage work first. Worrying about how things may be twenty years down the road is just foolish because so many things in our lives can change over that time period.
Sometimes people forget why they got married in the first place and need to remember.

 

[Redbugdave]

I suspect ATC Guy is a shift worker. I knew several ATC people and I did a career as a shift worker in a parallel field. If he is...I can understand completely about just wanting to veg out some days. You just don't have the get up and go sometimes when you have worked a string of mids.

 

[daylatedollarshort]

You might want to read a book like Second Shift and see if that changes your perspective - "The Second Shift found that women still take care of most of the household and childcare responsibilities despite their entrance into the labor market."

My suggestion would be to run your household like a work project. Lay out all the chores and divide them up fairly. When your kids are old enough to do simple chores they should help out, too. Post the chore chart on the fridge. Then what you each do in own free time is your own business. Maybe your wife is a type A who always needs to be needlessly busy, or maybe she's on your case legitimately for not helping out enough or maybe the truth lies somewhere in between the two scenarios.

If you both work and have two young kids I know statistically which scenarios is most likely to be true.