Would you stay in a marriage if your spouse Cheated?

[kcowan]

Looks like an invitation to keep his hands off!

(BTW I think most would accept that he is a dirty old man. The question is whether he is deemed guilty for his behaviour. I find that a much tougher question!)

 

[Ready-4-ER-at-14]

First wife cheated around the time that the social roles and expectations between men and women were changing. I humbled myself for the benefit of the kids to try to save the marriage and give then an intact set of parents. I would never do that again or sugguest anyone else do that either. You get even less respect.


Second wife had a couple coworkers over the years who set off my fidelity warning
signals by courting couple type activities and spending time together outside of work. I suspect infidelity but have never conclusively proven it. She states love for me but since one lie confirmed something died in me about her. Once younger child is gone to college, I am not sure what I will do.

 

[kcowan]

...but since one lie confirmed something died in me about her. Once younger child is gone to college, I am not sure what I will do.

I think you know what you must do...

 

[Nords]

I'm a little late to this thread, but starting from the top:

Would you stay in a marriage if your spouse Cheated?

If the other spouse cheats then I'm not exactly sure whether there's any longer a marriage to stay in. Seems to me that the decision has already been taken out of your hands.

I think the cheating begins in the heart, not in the physical act. If I'm in a situation where I feel that a woman is having more than just a friendly good time with me then I'll bring it up with my wife: "Hey, did that seem a little strange to you back there?" Her answer may be "You wish, you geezer" but the point is that we feel comfortable enough in our relationship to discuss the question. Same with a guy who's overly friendly with my spouse, although her antennae are much more attuned to this issue than mine.

A cheating spouse apparently didn't feel comfortable or secure enough to have the spousal discussion, let alone maintain their fidelity contract.

Humm, it appears to me that Warren Buffett and his first wife made an arragement that worked for the three of them.

Yeah, well, gotta read Alice Schroeder's interpretation of the situation.

Warren routinely neglected Susie mentally, emotionally, & physically, and didn't at all appreciate how she felt about his very public "work relationship" with Katherine Graham. (By "neglected" I mean that Buffett's lack of emotional intelligence & social intelligence borders on Asperger's.) Susie eventually decided to live more of her own life (since Buffett had apparently abdicated by apathy) and moved out. This included an affair of her own. But Susie felt enough concern for Warren that she asked Astrid to keep an eye on him. Only Susie & Astrid know the arrangement they made, and Astrid ain't talkin'.

While Susie felt free to carry on an affair with another man, she probably didn't feel free to complain about Warren's "relationship" with Astrid. Schroeder even implies that Susie carried on her relationship long after she reassured Buffett that it was over.

Frankly, from Schroeder's description of Buffett's behavior by the time Susie moved out, it's hard to imagine him having a physical relationship with another human.

 

[obgyn65]

Many people cheat. It is not gender specific.

First wife cheated around the time that the social roles and expectations between men and women were changing.

 

[ziggy29]

I think the cheating begins in the heart, not in the physical act

Maybe. I'd not say that feeling lustful thoughts is (in and of itself) "cheating" in the heart. I don't believe it's reasonable to expect *any* of us to "turn off" our hormones completely and pretend to be unstirred by "forbidden fruit" which tempts us. As some would say, "I'm married, not dead."

Having said that, I would fully agree it's "cheating in the heart" if, provided you knew you'd never get caught, you would consider physically cheating.

 

[Nords]

Maybe. I'd not say that feeling lustful thoughts is (in and of itself) "cheating" in the heart. I don't believe it's reasonable to expect *any* of us to "turn off" our hormones completely and pretend to be unstirred by "forbidden fruit" which tempts us. As some would say, "I'm married, not dead."
Having said that, I would fully agree it's "cheating in the heart" if, provided you knew you'd never get caught, you would consider physically cheating.

I knew Jimmy Carter would come back to haunt me on this.

I mean that cheating begins when the cheater starts having thoughts which they're not comfortable discussing with their spouse. It's a big help (for me, anyway) to be able to ask her "Hey, here's something this person's doing that I might not understand. Am I missing their message?"

Of course I probably need to come up with a new line to replace that old standby "Gosh, honey, it's a good thing I met you first!"

 

[kcowan]

...Of course I probably need to come up with a new line to replace that old standby "Gosh, honey, it's a good thing I met you first!"

The idea that there is someone just for you is silly. Statistically, there are probably 1000 people that would suit you just fine. Maybe more!

But the core issue is: What kind of person are you? Robert Redford or Donald Trump? It has little to do with opportunity and everything to do with values. Shortly after DW and I got together, I had a job that took me to SEA for weeks at a time. Pretty women were readily available. Many of my workmates wondered if I was OK. Sure I am OK, I said.

In my world view, they were not OK. Just because you are in a candy store does not mean that you need to sample the candy...

Unless you have some problems with your relationship back home?

 

[Nords]

Shortly after DW and I got together, I had a job that took me to SEA for weeks at a time. Pretty women were readily available. Many of my workmates wondered if I was OK. Sure I am OK, I said.
In my world view, they were not OK. Just because you are in a candy store does not mean that you need to sample the candy...
Unless you have some problems with your relationship back home?

I accompanied spouse on one of those SEA trips for a military exercise supervised by a colonel. Every morning when we rode the elevator down for breakfast, the colonel was accompanied with a different piece of candy. This went on for six days.

By the fourth day we'd stopped wondering if someone was going to discuss the issue with the colonel's spouse. Clearly at least one of that couple didn't care who did what with whom.

 

[FinanceDude]

I accompanied spouse on one of those SEA trips for a military exercise supervised by a colonel. Every morning when we rode the elevator down for breakfast, the colonel was accompanied with a different piece of candy. This went on for six days.

So, M&M's, Baby Ruth, Skittles, Twix, 3 Musketeers, and 100,000 bars?

 

[Da Nag]

If my wife cheated with another man, or I with another woman - we both know that would be the end.

Now...if my gorgeous wife chose to cheat with another beautiful middle aged woman - perhaps that would be different. As long as it was just once, and she gave me a copy of the video - I'd probably get over it.

 

[Mmm Rrr]

The seductive power of French women is well known, to themselves particularly.

OK, this doesn't have anything to do with this thread's topic, but FD's comment reminded me of a funny post that Olivier Magny, a young (27 maybe) French wine merchant and blogger, made several years ago about Parisian women:

Foreign girls | Ô Chateau

 

[kcowan]

Now...if my gorgeous wife chose to cheat with another beautiful middle aged woman - perhaps that would be different. As long as it was just once, and she gave me a copy of the video - I'd probably get over it.

What if she invited you to join in?

 

[FinanceDude]

What if she invited you to join in?

Then his dream would become reality............

 

[FinanceDude]

Maybe our president had some sort of feeling:

Look where he's looking!!

 

[Webzter]

So, M&M's, Baby Ruth, Skittles, Twix, 3 Musketeers, and 100,000 bars?

Oh my!

 

[kyounge1956]

Tough crowd. Having someone cheat on you is challenging, but harms you less than having her spend too much money, drink too much, get really fat, use cocaine, have lousy inlaws, get you involved in disputes, etc. Things change if she is unavailable or unloving to you.

One more good reason for a man to avoid marriage. If you aren't married and someone cheats, you and she can decide what you want to you, but you can't be punished by having her or him run off with the bankbook. In this state, you must remember to send her home to momma before she can spend 365 days under your roof.

Ha

I'm surprised that nobody in this whole thread has yet mentioned AIDS, even when the subject of cheating with prostitutes came up. Any time you have sex with someone, you also (from an epidemiological viewpoint) have sex with all of that person's previous partners. Staying married to someone who also has sex with other partners is nothing more nor less than Russian Roulette, played with viruses instead of bullets. If I ever had married and discovered my husband was unfaithful, and especially if he had cheated with prostitutes, I believe I would have left immediately. I can hardly imagine a greater breach of trust than marital infidelity which knowingly places your spouse at risk of infection with a fatal disease.

 

[kyounge1956]

(snip)I do not believe for a minute he forced her to perform oral sex because I personally don't see how a 62 year old man without a weapon can possibly force me to do oral sex. Even with his hands around my throat, I would bite where the sun doesn't shine until he drops to his knees.

Force need not be physical. Think of the authority gradient between a world figure and an immigrant maid. (snip)

(snip) It is very hard indeed for a 62 year old man without a weapon to force or command a female to perform oral sex. This woman is not a push over. She is a refugee survivor from one of the toughest parts of the world. I was not cultivated to be tough and yet I don't see how I can be persuaded to do this without the threat of death or violence and presumably no such thing occurred in this situation. (snip)

I too have not followed the details of the case, but one possibility that occurs to me is that the maid was threatened with being reported to the INS. ISTM that even the possibility of being sent back to "one of the toughest parts of the world" would have significant coercive power, and depending on the exact circumstances might even be "a threat of death or violence" if that is what she would be at risk of in her country of origin. Even supposing she is in the US legally, an INS investigation could put her livelihood at risk and make it harder for her to find another job if she lost the one she has now.

 

[Brat]

Absolutely, and her daughter would have had to go back too.

 

[clifp]

I am curious what the reaction people would have to a situation like Rep. Weiner and Weinergate, where you got your spouse sending sexual pictures to another person.

Clearly they have lusted/cheated in their heart, but would this situation be easier to forgive because there was no physical sex?

 

[haha]

I am curious what the reaction people would have to a situation like Rep. Weiner and Weinergate, where you got your spouse sending sexual pictures to another person.

Clearly they have lusted/cheated in their heart, but would this situation be easier to forgive because there was no physical sex?

Harder to forgive because it shows what a total moron the guy is.

Does anyone think that the media sex frontlines have become really really crazy lately? Wilber Mills and Fanny Fox were almost high class compared to these recent maniacs

How about Ryan Giggs, the Manchester United footballer who has been sleeping with his brothers wife for 8 years? Meanwhile he is married to his own pregnant wife, and having another fling with Imogen somebody. At first it said he is sleeping with Natasha Giggs, I thought-so? likely his wife. May be unusual for an ahtlete, but hardly tabloid fare.

Apparently I was wrong.

Ha

 

[Moemg]

I am curious what the reaction people would have to a situation like Rep. Weiner and Weinergate, where you got your spouse sending sexual pictures to another person.

Clearly they have lusted/cheated in their heart, but would this situation be easier to forgive because there was no physical sex?

I would think I had married a total idiot and I would probably put a lot of space between us .

 

[FreeAtLast]

I think that it would be your first responsibility to try to understand and perhaps try to forgive. That may not work out as each story is different. It might take time and some outside help.

No standard answer in this case.

 

[Zoocat]

With all the conversation this thread has attracted, I'm surprised that no one has considered that it is entirely possible that if a spouse cheated, he/she may not want to be forgiven. He/She may have enjoyed the experience and decided that he/she didn't want his/her old spouse anymore. It does happen that a person decides he/she is having a more enjoyable life with others than he/she had in the marriage.

Sometimes the cheated upon spouse doesn't have the opportunity to stay in the marriage, even if he/she is willing to forgive. But I suppose that is not really an answer to the original topic.

 

[Bestwifeever]

Something tells me Weiner and his wife won't be celebrating their first anniversary together this July.