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Old 07-07-2014, 11:35 AM   #41
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Well I am not a shrink and I don't even play one on TV, so I won't attempt to give you a "diagnosis' on an internet forum. Hair-splitting and looking back are yesterday. What you do going forward is your future and good luck with it. Don't try to explain or justify it to anyone here...we are not that important. Stay your course and look for a soft landing.
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Old 07-07-2014, 11:42 AM   #42
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You have done the hard part and made the decision, which I have to agree is the right one for your case. All I can say is that now you have the rest of your life ahead. Put the past behind, take some time to recover, and then full speed ahead.

Rely on friends or support group for a while, no need to suffer alone. Don't dwell on the past, but instead look to the future.
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Old 07-07-2014, 11:57 AM   #43
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sheehs, hope I'm not being presumptuous, but it does sound to me like you may have been "dancing" a fairly common dance all these years:
The Dance Between Codependents & Narcissists | World of Psychology

Very glad that you're taking your life back.
Yes perhaps JacJolie. But was well aware of this dance. Have dealt with narcissists before. And you would be correct. While we are all codependent to a degree as one has to be to exist as a couple, there are varying degrees. It is the non codependent side of me that made this decision. Thank you for your well wishes.
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Old 07-07-2014, 11:59 AM   #44
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Well I am not a shrink and I don't even play one on TV, so I won't attempt to give you a "diagnosis' on an internet forum. Hair-splitting and looking back are yesterday. What you do going forward is your future and good luck with it. Don't try to explain or justify it to anyone here...we are not that important. Stay your course and look for a soft landing.

Again thank you ivinsfan. Plan on doing just that! Yep, don't think the details or justifications are necessary. I shared the decision here as another example of financial incompatibility. Appreciate the support.
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Old 07-07-2014, 12:00 PM   #45
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You have done the hard part and made the decision, which I have to agree is the right one for your case. All I can say is that now you have the rest of your life ahead. Put the past behind, take some time to recover, and then full speed ahead.

Rely on friends or support group for a while, no need to suffer alone. Don't dwell on the past, but instead look to the future.
Thank you 38Chevy454. Only positive future things ahead. Or at least that is the plan.
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Old 07-07-2014, 12:23 PM   #46
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...... Then there is the inability/refusal to communicate unless it is with anger.........
That right there would do it for me! A major major character flaw. I had to live that, and worse things with it, until I was old enough and in a position to escape and never look back.

In the work world, I would not, and did not, put up with it.

Glad you have the strength of character and have developed the means to rely on, so you could say enough is enough, no more second-chances, that's it, finished.

Please be safe!
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Old 07-07-2014, 01:29 PM   #47
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That right there would do it for me! A major major character flaw. I had to live that, and worse things with it, until I was old enough and in a position to escape and never look back.

In the work world, I would not, and did not, put up with it.

Glad you have the strength of character and have developed the means to rely on, so you could say enough is enough, no more second-chances, that's it, finished.

Please be safe!
Good for you too Telly. Yes it is a communication killer.
Thru the years I have come to know "the measure of a person is how that person treats his/her family". Not what they do in public or how the public perceives them. Period.

P.S. Edited this after thinking about it. Too much info!
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Old 07-07-2014, 01:58 PM   #48
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Decisions come slowly.
Glacial comes to mind except where you reconcile.

I once dated a girl that had been abused by her prior boyfriend. I found this out after we had been dating awhile. Her stories were awful. It involved verbal and physical abuse for several months.

We dated about 6 months with it beginning to become "serious" IMHO and then one day she dumped me to go back with her old boyfriend. Her story was that I was "nice and fun" but he was just more exciting. She called me again about a year later and I never returned her call. I wasn't going to get on that merry-go-round.
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Old 07-07-2014, 03:56 PM   #49
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Glacial comes to mind except where you reconcile.

I once dated a girl that had been abused by her prior boyfriend. I found this out after we had been dating awhile. Her stories were awful. It involved verbal and physical abuse for several months.

We dated about 6 months with it beginning to become "serious" IMHO and then one day she dumped me to go back with her old boyfriend. Her story was that I was "nice and fun" but he was just more exciting. She called me again about a year later and I never returned her call. I wasn't going to get on that merry-go-round.
Have to admit 2B, "Glacial" probably went over my head a bit. Ha!

Re: The girl you dated. Good you didn't call her back.
Re: Mine. Got the AOK and approval from my mother, sisters, etc. Blind date at Golf Member Guest. Fixed up by the wife of a guy I knew in high school. All good families. Wife was my blind date's cousin (my husband's cousin). Small area. Everyone knows everyone else. Thought he was safe. Safe, nice and fun is what I was going for.
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Old 07-07-2014, 04:41 PM   #50
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Sorry that you're having to go through this but you'll be better off in two years. Been there, done that too, but mine lasted only five years.

I expected to be somewhat poor starting out but 5 years later it was getting old. Then when she wanted to take out a loan to go on a trip I saw no future down that road.

Two years later after I live like a monk that long and buy my own house she calls and wants to come over. Uh, okay, dunno what for. I still remember because I was a bit embarrassed since I'd been there two months and there were still unpacked boxes on the floor, taking my sweet time since I was the only one living there. And of course I was working full time shift work.

Anyway, she wants my approval to marry her boyfriend that she's been living with for the last year! I just said "We're divorced, do whatever you want." A neighbor who is a psychologist said she was probably ambivalent. I asked does that mean she was really asking do I want her back? "Yup".

The thought of taking her back had simply never occurred to me.

I'd met DW by then but nothing serious until later. Later this month it'll be 26 years of wedded bliss.
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Old 07-07-2014, 05:01 PM   #51
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Glacial comes to mind except where you reconcile.

I once dated a girl that had been abused by her prior boyfriend. I found this out after we had been dating awhile. Her stories were awful. It involved verbal and physical abuse for several months.

We dated about 6 months with it beginning to become "serious" IMHO and then one day she dumped me to go back with her old boyfriend. Her story was that I was "nice and fun" but he was just more exciting. She called me again about a year later and I never returned her call. I wasn't going to get on that merry-go-round.
Sorry to side step, sheehs1, but 2B - Wow. Isn't that just a kicker! Good thing she dumped you IMHO.
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Old 07-07-2014, 08:11 PM   #52
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Sorry that you're having to go through this but you'll be better off in two years. Been there, done that too, but mine lasted only five years.

I expected to be somewhat poor starting out but 5 years later it was getting old. Then when she wanted to take out a loan to go on a trip I saw no future down that road.

Two years later after I live like a monk that long and buy my own house she calls and wants to come over. Uh, okay, dunno what for. I still remember because I was a bit embarrassed since I'd been there two months and there were still unpacked boxes on the floor, taking my sweet time since I was the only one living there. And of course I was working full time shift work.

Anyway, she wants my approval to marry her boyfriend that she's been living with for the last year! I just said "We're divorced, do whatever you want." A neighbor who is a psychologist said she was probably ambivalent. I asked does that mean she was really asking do I want her back? "Yup".

The thought of taking her back had simply never occurred to me.

I'd met DW by then but nothing serious until later. Later this month it'll be 26 years of wedded bliss.
Congratulations to you and your wife Walt34. And how lovely that you are smitten. Love that!

And yes, the ex was "checking" to see if you would take her back.
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Old 07-07-2014, 08:33 PM   #53
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After a 17 year marriage, two beautiful children and then a wife who walks out on the family to "cash out", a messy and lengthy and very costly California divorce followed.

A year later I am in Texas living in an apartment with two teenage daughters and an old car and she (ex) calls me and asks me point blank if she could "come back". I almost fell off my chair. I politely said no....

Clock forward 20 years...a great new wife and a good life.
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Old 07-07-2014, 09:13 PM   #54
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aja8888 thank you for your comments. Gives me faith! Or is it hope? Wait...it is both!
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Old 07-07-2014, 09:27 PM   #55
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aja8888 thank you for your comments. Gives me faith! Or is it hope? Wait...it is both!
Keep the faith and work your plan. It will turn out OK.
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Old 07-07-2014, 09:45 PM   #56
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Good work on making your decision sheesh1. I hope that that means the hardest part is over and things will be on the upswing for you from here on out.

I read the link on the co-dependent article and people "who are giving, sacrificing, and consumed with the needs and desires of others" probably describes most of the moms I know, so maybe we are all co-dependent enablers in our own way.
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Old 07-08-2014, 07:17 AM   #57
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Good work on making your decision sheesh1. I hope that that means the hardest part is over and things will be on the upswing for you from here on out.

I read the link on the co-dependent article and people "who are giving, sacrificing, and consumed with the needs and desires of others" probably describes most of the moms I know, so maybe we are all co-dependent enablers in our own way.
Thank you daylatedollarshort. You are exactly right. Most moms could fall under this category as could most "caregivers" (when our parents are ill). The term "codependent" is a tricky one.

I am anything but passive and submissive, am not a follower and did not give up my own personal power. Hence the conflict. But I DID do what needed to be done both in raising the children, taking care of the home and yard, establishing "family traditions", etc.

Unlike the article referenced I also do not have any problem being alone. I am not lonely, alone. I was used to being and navigating alone inside this marriage. Truth be told, I probably like it too much, as it was my source of peace thru the years.

I let him know my needs were not being met, letting him know what those needs were. He didn't care. And while I am sure my self esteem took a hit at first, I got over it and proceeded to do what I either was suppose to do or had to do in raising the kids, taking care of home, yard, establishing family traditions, etc. I knew my values, instinctively knew this day would come but at the time was too busy to make it happen and too tired to handle the fall out of it at an earlier time..

It remains telling that we have/had not one physical thing that was/is shared, not a house, not a bank account, not a goal. We had not one couple as friends to do things with, meaning separate friends. Bit by bit anything that we did share early on, such as going to church where we sat beside each other holding hands as husband and wife went by the way side (probably 15 years ago!). Golf on Sunday mornings for him won.

My point is it is possible to co-exist and not be co-dependent. Although the affects of living with one who does not know how to truly give of himself are with me. The acknowledgement of my own anger and resulting situational depression from all the betrayals, the playing over and over in my head of the many times my daughter experienced the same, the confusion of all the crisis, the anger of feeling like I had most of the true burden and responsibility - while I have been processing this all along the way - am sure a bit more processing is needed.
Thanks to all for your comments and support. In my opinion, it all goes back to his addictions and being a gambler which is a deep integral piece of his character and personality with all the residual affects to those around him.
I am done.
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Old 07-08-2014, 07:30 AM   #58
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After a 17 year marriage, two beautiful children and then a wife who walks out on the family to "cash out", a messy and lengthy and very costly California divorce followed.
That's interesting. I worked with a woman whose sister was talked into getting a divorce by her friends so she could enjoy all that money that her husband wouldn't let her spend.

She got her divorce and her pile of cash. She spent a year shopping and partying with her best buds. The problem arose when the money started to run out and her low paying job no longer would support the lifestyle she had with her old "skin flint" ex. She also tried to go back and he laughed at her. What in the world was she thinking? Fortunately, there were no kids.
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Old 07-08-2014, 07:38 AM   #59
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Sorry to side step, sheehs1, but 2B - Wow. Isn't that just a kicker! Good thing she dumped you IMHO.
That started me developing my theory that a significant number of women seek out men that treat them like crap. They want the emotional rush that comes with what I can only imagine as totally unacceptable. I would under no circumstances tolerate it from anyone else or subject anyone to it. I doubt my wife or any ex-girl friends would classify me as "exciting" but I don't think I'm totally boring. I certainly avoided being on any emotional roller coasters.
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Old 07-08-2014, 12:06 PM   #60
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living in an apartment with two teenage daughters and an old car
Personally, I am fascinated at the number of women who leave a marriage, and leave the kids with their ex-husband. I can think of several without even trying. It's supposed to be the other way around, but women leaving the husband and the kids seems more common than we are led to believe.
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