Any advice to get wife to believe in ER?

[haha]

Ok, any more advice ya'll need on this topic?

LOL Couldn't have said it better myself!

Ha

 

[My Dream]

If women were rational, we would never marry. Having made that error, we would seek to correct it as quickly and expeditiously as possible.

I ..........I ..............I really don't know what to say Martha. But then I guess I don't have to.

 

[Moemg]

So that's why I still believe in happily ever after because I never made it to a really long term marriage .Thanks Martha & Ha for clearing that up for me .

 

[REWahoo]

...women are hopelessly romantic, dependent on men and stupid.

Who are you and what have you done with Martha?

 

[Zoocat]

What a low estate the American wife holds. If her husband is reasonable her life can be fine, [-]albeit missing a lot of privilege taken for granted by women all over the world.[/-]

If on the other hand her husband is less reasonable, or changes or for any reason decides to no longer acquiesce in her happiness, she is screwed.

Prior to marriage we see our happily married friends but fail to realize that they too are young, with young husbands and short duration marriages. We forget to check the background rate of marital happiness, which must after all be pretty low since roughly 50% of marriages go to divorce. It would be hard to assume that all the unhappy campers got divorced, so any guess at marriage happiness long term would have to be less than 50%.

But we women are hopelessly romantic, dependent on men and stupid. So I suppose we get what we deserve. When we finally wake up to the fact that our lives suck we tend to blame ourselves, since after all men are morally superior beings. Eventually after much pain and disappointment too often we get angry, thus justifying DHs attitudes toward us.

If women were rational, we would never marry. Having made that error, we would seek to correct it as quickly and expeditiously as possible.

Ok, any more advice ya'll need on this topic?

Thank you, Martha.Frankly, I am astounded by the petty, short sighted viewpoints of married/divorced men who do not appreciate the tradeoffs that women make to stay home with kids and take care of their families. When you divorce your wife, you will still have your career. What will she have? Nothing. Not even the respect of this society.

Certainly, I agree that in a partnership each spouse should respect the desires of the others. And certainly those desires change over time. I think that the wife should probably rethink her own desires and try to accommodate the OP in his desire to ER. But let's not bash her for her desire to keep her "great situation" going. Do we know that it is such a great situation? How many kids, what ages, what tasks she accomplishes during the day? Is she afraid the kids will be short-changed if she goes back to work FT? Maybe she is not so selfish. Maybe she feels that she is making a real contribution to her family. Is that such an unreal idea that you guys have to bash her?

 

[haha]

Maybe she feels that she is making a real contribution to her family. Is that such an unreal idea that you guys have to bash her?

I want to make clear what might not be clear- I am just BS-ing. I would never talk like this; I am soo totally supportive and metro-sexual in real life. If you met me you might even think I had a womb. This is a board, and today it is cloudy and I am bored.

I am only killing time until evening when I might find something to do.

I hope you were not offended or distressed.


Ha

 

[Zoocat]

I want to make clear what might not be clear- I am just BS-ing. I would never talk like this; I am soo totally supportive and metro-sexual in real life. If you met me you might even think I had a womb. This is a board, and today it is cloudy and I am bored.

I am only killing time until evening when I might find something to do.

I hope you were not offended or distressed.
Ha

Very civil of you to explain your comments. I'm glad you did. I, too, am bored and looking for something interesting to argue about. C'est la vie.

 

[Cattusbabe]

I want to make clear what might not be clear- I am just BS-ing. I would never talk like this; I am soo totally supportive and metro-sexual in real life. If you met me you might even think I had a womb. This is a board, and today it is cloudy and I am bored.

I am only killing time until evening when I might find something to do.

I hope you were not offended or distressed.


Ha

Yeah, OK if you say so.

 

[Cattusbabe]

Thank you, Martha.Frankly, I am astounded by the petty, short sighted viewpoints of married/divorced men who do not appreciate the tradeoffs that women make to stay home with kids and take care of their families. When you divorce your wife, you will still have your career. What will she have? Nothing. Not even the respect of this society.

Certainly, I agree that in a partnership each spouse should respect the desires of the others. And certainly those desires change over time. I think that the wife should probably rethink her own desires and try to accommodate the OP in his desire to ER. But let's not bash her for her desire to keep her "great situation" going. Do we know that it is such a great situation? How many kids, what ages, what tasks she accomplishes during the day? Is she afraid the kids will be short-changed if she goes back to work FT? Maybe she is not so selfish. Maybe she feels that she is making a real contribution to her family. Is that such an unreal idea that you guys have to bash her?

Granted we have only the OP's side of the story but it does seen his wife is dogging him big time. I ain't gonna lie her set up is sweet but if what he says is true then she is wrong. Two five year olds who are out of the house at school most of the day. Come on how hard can her day be?

 

[chris2008]

TexasProud, please excuse. English is not my native language and I am living in Germany. DH is 55 years old but I know sometimes it feels like 75...

 

[Zoocat]

Granted we have only the OP's side of the story but it does seen his wife is dogging him big time. I ain't gonna lie her set up is sweet but if what he says is true then she is wrong. Two five year olds who are out of the house at school most of the day. Come on how hard can her day be?

Hello? Have you ever had kids? The day starts early morning when she gets them off to school. Then she does the errands, housework/management and has a life while they are at school. Her day gets into high gear when the kids get home, parenting, managing their homework, playtime, sports, eating. Then she cooks, cleans up, supposedly has time with her husband, and then gets the kids ready for school the next day and into bed.

Yeah, it's a sweet set up, all right.

It's probably 9 pm by then. Granted many parents do this plus hold a full time job but is it any wonder why a lot of moms would rather only have ONE full time job?

 

[Sandy]

What seems to be missing from all of this is the point that marriage and a relationship should be a partnership. One where each person should willingly make reasonable adjustments over time. After all, nothing stays the same for 40 years. Defining what is reasonable to each person is where things get sticky. And making radical changes is always harder than incremental ones.

Folks on this board (self included) tend to support Beer Mans' side, given the presentation and think that the wife should adjust to accomodate most/all of his request - for his well-being and their future.

But maybe it can't/shouldn't be all or nothing. More communication and maybe bringing in a third party (therapist or even the accountant) may help develop a compromise that will work for them - allow Beer Man to slow down while only asking the wife to incrementally change the way things have been for years.

 

[citrine]

Very interesting debate...but I really think the wife is milking the entire situation! I have never had kids, but I have a lot of friends who do and they are able to hold a full time job, take care of the kids, the home, the cleaning, laundry, and find time to hang out. It works because her and her husband work as a team.
In this scenario, you have one spouse killing himself to provide a comfortable life for the other. The wife does not even want to consider that he is tired and wants to spend more time with her and the kids. I am sorry....but this is not a marriage.....it's a mooch fest!

 

[happy2bretired]

Marriage really is a partnership...anyway I believe it should be. My husband and I had a great partnership in our marriage. We talked over everything and both of us were able to bend when bending was required. My husband worked nights during our daughter's grade school years and I worked full time during the day. The one time that my husband didn't "talk it over" with me first was when he just up and quit his job. It was just one of those "I can't take it any more" things and he just quit. During that time I was the only bread winner and again, we were partners. We did a lot of growing during our marriage.

 

[FinanceDude]

Very interesting debate...but I really think the wife is milking the entire situation! I have never had kids, but I have a lot of friends who do and they are able to hold a full time job, take care of the kids, the home, the cleaning, laundry, and find time to hang out. It works because her and her husband work as a team.
In this scenario, you have one spouse killing himself to provide a comfortable life for the other. The wife does not even want to consider that he is tired and wants to spend more time with her and the kids. I am sorry....but this is not a marriage.....it's a mooch fest!

Have to agree with you. Like I said before, if she really LOVES you, she will respect your wish to lessen the work hours so you can live and be happy.......

If she fights it, you need counseling. If she refuses, you only have one choice..........

 

[Beer man]

Hello? Have you ever had kids? The day starts early morning when she gets them off to school. Then she does the errands, housework/management and has a life while they are at school. Her day gets into high gear when the kids get home, parenting, managing their homework, playtime, sports, eating. Then she cooks, cleans up, supposedly has time with her husband, and then gets the kids ready for school the next day and into bed.

Yeah, it's a sweet set up, all right.

It's probably 9 pm by then. Granted many parents do this plus hold a full time job but is it any wonder why a lot of moms would rather only have ONE full time job?

Just to clarify...I cook the kids breakfast and take them to school 50%,and usually stop by the store to pick something up for dinner, then cook it, then do the dishes, then get the kids ready for bed as a team with the wife. This is the best part of my day. I don't mind doing it at all, but it doesn't leave much couple time or time to take care of myself. Work is getting in the way!

 

[Achiever51]

Just to clarify...I cook the kids breakfast and take them to school 50%,and usually stop by the store to pick something up for dinner, then cook it, then do the dishes, then get the kids ready for bed as a team with the wife. This is the best part of my day. I don't mind doing it at all, but it doesn't leave much couple time or time to take care of myself. Work is getting in the way!

BeerMan,
I'm curious. Do you have any idea exactly what your wife DOES during the day?

When our daughter was younger, my DH started his own business and worked out of our home to cut down on the expense of full-time day care. I worked more than full-time (60+ hours a week) with international travel thrown in. But, if I was in town, I still cooked breakfast, took DD to school, did the shopping, cooking, dishes, and everything else you just described. Other days, DH would have to work late into the evening on his business because he was otherwise occupied during the day. It was tiring, but the sacrifices were well worth it to have a family, build a business and save for the future. And now we've been married for over 30 years and I can't imagine my life without him.

As I said in my earlier post, a successful marriage is a partnership -- and not one where each partner gives 50/50 every day. Somedays, one partner has to give 100% -- like when I was traveling and my DH would have to schedule his day around our daughter's needs.

But from what I've read throughout your posts, there's something WAAAAYY out of whack with the share of the load you're carrying. Wishful thinking on your part isn't going to change this dynamic -- I sincerely hope you find it within you to get your wife to understand why you must make changes . Good luck.

 

[Cattusbabe]

Oldbabe;544542]Hello?
Hello to you.

Have you ever had kids?
No. And by the time I married the step kids were married with kids of their own.

The day starts early morning when she gets them off to school.
Yah and...It starts the same time to get hubby off to work or to start your own day.

Then she does the errands, housework/management and has a life while they are at school.
Again and... you have to do the same to maintain your self and spouse if you have one. And guess what she has a life while the kids are at school so how horrible is that?
Her day gets into high gear when the kids get home, parenting, managing their homework, playtime, sports, eating.

I'll give you all of that except the eating part since she and hubby have to eat also.

Then she cooks, cleans up, supposedly has time with her husband,
Girlfriend has to do that anyway whether she has kids or not.

and then gets the kids ready for school the next day and into bed.
Score one more for you.

Yeah, it's a sweet set up, all right.
So far I am not impressed. Most of what you listed she would have to do whether she had kids or a spouse or not. Seems like she has a smooth ride so far.

It's probably 9 pm by then.
Oh don't tell me she falls out soon after because she is soooo exhausted. Please. Sell it somewhere else. I am one of seven children, the oldest daughter, and both my parents worked. It is called life and you live it no matter how many are in the house.


Granted many parents do this plus hold a full time job but is it any wonder why a lot of moms would rather only have ONE full time job?
Now if you tell the lady is beating rugs, making her own soap, canning her own food and making her kids clothes, I would be impressed but this is 2007. How ever did our mothers and grandmothers manage? Have you noticed how the level of women's complaining increased with the introduction of each labor saving device? Guess I better duck now since I'm breaking ranks.

 

[Cattusbabe]

Just to clarify...I cook the kids breakfast and take them to school 50%,and usually stop by the store to pick something up for dinner, then cook it, then do the dishes, then get the kids ready for bed as a team with the wife. This is the best part of my day. I don't mind doing it at all, but it doesn't leave much couple time or time to take care of myself. Work is getting in the way!

Dude you are either the most hag ridden man on earth, a class A smacked a** or you are doing some big league major leg pulling here. Quit posting because you are losing major cool points each time you do.

 

[Beer man]

Dude you are either the most hag ridden man on earth, a class A smacked a** or you are doing some big league major leg pulling here. Quit posting because you are losing major cool points each time you do.

Don't really care about "cool points". Just trying to explain that the everyday living "work" is far more enjoyable at this point in my life than going to the office and listening to adults whine like 5yo's about their percieved problems. Don't feel "hag ridden" and could easily just go to work in the AM or go out to dinner in PM and DW would be fine with that. It's not about the "work" at home, it's about the hours of work at work. Making eggs in the AM with the kids beats the heck out of a 6AM Board Meeting or some other Urgency. And life does not get much better than flipping some meat on the grill with an icy cold Fat Tire Amber ale in hand. Another Fat Tire for clean up and life is good! You know, the days I start work at 5 or 6AM, I would much rather be getting the kids ready for school. The nights I work until 11 or 12 or 1, I'd much rather be home "working" any day. At this point "being" is far more "cool" to me than "doing."

 

[clifp]

Just to clarify...I cook the kids breakfast and take them to school 50%,and usually stop by the store to pick something up for dinner, then cook it, then do the dishes, then get the kids ready for bed as a team with the wife. This is the best part of my day. I don't mind doing it at all, but it doesn't leave much couple time or time to take care of myself. Work is getting in the way!

Beer Man, it is a pity you are married and a guy, cause at this point hell I'd even want to marry you

(FYI: I am guy and straight)

 

[citrine]

Beer Man, it is a pity you are married and a guy, cause at this point hell I'd even want to marry you

(FYI: I am guy and straight)

Ditto....but I am a woman and sraight!

All kidding aside Beerman, in this day and age with all the amenities available, your wife has a really easy setup. Hey, you are the primary breadwinner....you get to decide if you need to cut back on working 18 hours a day. If your wife is that concerned about the quality of life....well then she will need to learn how to budget and get a full time gig of her own. Marriage is definitely a partnership.

And if it doesn't work out....you have two offers of marriage...one from a guy and one from a girl!

 

[spncity]

Well, I think you both are not tuned in to hear each other's hearts (as in deep, real, honest communication). At least she is not hearing your heart.
But to do that you have to express that you feel like you're not being a successful father or husband when you excel in making money - but that you do not excel in "being there" timewise for your kids and for her. You two have to redefine success (best done together).

So I'd agree with the counseling part. Also, if you are killing yourself to protect her feelings, you may want to check out a book something along the line of "Co-Dependent No More" or something similar.

 

[Cattusbabe]

Don't really care about "cool points". Just trying to explain that the everyday living "work" is far more enjoyable at this point in my life than going to the office and listening to adults whine like 5yo's about their percieved problems. Don't feel "hag ridden" and could easily just go to work in the AM or go out to dinner in PM and DW would be fine with that. It's not about the "work" at home, it's about the hours of work at work. Making eggs in the AM with the kids beats the heck out of a 6AM Board Meeting or some other Urgency. And life does not get much better than flipping some meat on the grill with an icy cold Fat Tire Amber ale in hand. Another Fat Tire for clean up and life is good! You know, the days I start work at 5 or 6AM, I would much rather be getting the kids ready for school. The nights I work until 11 or 12 or 1, I'd much rather be home "working" any day. At this point "being" is far more "cool" to me than "doing."

That is my point. You state you are working a 60 to 80 hour work week, and take on 50% of the house hold duties. Do you commute to work? When do you sleep?

 

[FinanceDude]

Just to clarify...I cook the kids breakfast and take them to school 50%,and usually stop by the store to pick something up for dinner, then cook it, then do the dishes, then get the kids ready for bed as a team with the wife. This is the best part of my day. I don't mind doing it at all, but it doesn't leave much couple time or time to take care of myself. Work is getting in the way!

Sounds like me.....are we related? But, I don't work 16 hours a day, but I know that wouldn't work........

Who does the housework??